The magic words are awesome: Please.
For Christmas I asked for the Devil.
(It was harder than it seems. Not only for me but for Loch.)
Not that it's any of anyone's business how or with whom I conduct my life but things weren't working without him in this place. I missed him something awful. I'm just damaged enough to still need him and just stupid enough to still want him. Plus not sure if anyone ever notices but everyone is a lot happier when he is happy. And when he's happy he's not flipping tables, levelling threats and brandishing weapons. Caleb has no in-between. He has nothing or he has everything and that includes moods, emotions, reactions, cash. It's the way it is. The C_____ brothers were known for their passion, or maybe just the trouble it got them into.
So I took my Christmas campaign to Lochlan. Since he was feeling generous and confident after the Sam-thing. He isn't going to lose me to anyone. Since I really didn't want to waste another minute trying everything short of that coveted lobotomy to fix things here. Since it IS Christmas.
But I didn't just ask for contraband quality time with Caleb. I asked for them to clear the air. To make up and move on. If I was the wedge driven between them then I will also be the glue to seal the rift. The original deal between them goes back into force (sharing is caring) and they can both look after me if they want. No one gets to fight for time since I decide. If it comes down to priority, Lochlan wins because I say he does. He remains the Alpha. The husband. Caleb remains the Sugar Daddy everyone adores. Caleb continues to do what he's always wanted to do, provide for us. All of us. And in return he gets time with me. I don't have to be ashamed of wanting time with him. It just becomes a de facto thing.
We can't do it with rules but we're going to use common sense. No violence. No velvet ribbons or asphyxiation bullshit. No safe words because they won't be needed. No holds. No weapons whatsoever. No withholding. No arguments. No selfishness. Just peace. Ben gets included in everything. (He may have fistpumped the air when he learned of this because I never know if he's going to feel left out so I preempt that risk with promises I wouldn't break on my deathbed.)
They were locked in a room for most of a day talking, shouting, at one point throwing fists and then they got past it and figured out something they haven't addressed since I was eleven. They renewed their promises to do what they set out to do in the first place. They vowed not to stab each other in the back. They got somewhere.
They actually got somewhere.
In the end Lochlan agreed to try. No true rules but I choose and if Caleb fucks something up it stops. If Lochlan loses his nerve or if I don't want to do something it stops. If I find it isn't working it stops. It's a trial. Nothing else has worked. Let's try this. We tried a few times before but we weren't clear in what we would be getting or giving. They didn't talk before. They're talking now.
Maybe that's been the one thing missing all this time. Maybe now we can start over. That's the theme for 2017. That is how we're going to move forward. It's been too long a fight. Gotta try getting along instead.
And for the issue with what started all this? I forgave Caleb a long time ago. He stuck around. He's been making restitution, forcing himself into my life so as to remain a big part of it. He gets credit for that. He didn't cut and run. Sometimes you have to let things go or let the people behind those awful things help you move on. We all make mistakes. Lots and lots and lots of them.
