Wednesday 7 December 2016

A sea of bees.

Cause if this was our destiny I'd treasure the fact
And I'd give you whats left of me if I'd held back

But I don't need a soul
No I don't need a soul to hold
Without you I'm still whole
You and life remain beautiful
I haven't been avoiding Sam.

Sam and I take hours-long walks or spend time just about every day. We do role-playing, we ask questions and throw out ideas, we dig deep. He sets up scenarios and I navigate them. He gives me things to try and I work at it. I come home or come back downstairs exhausted and mostly in tears. Sam opens the door for me and then when the whole house descends on him in a rage he nods. He doesn't tell them what we've been doing, he works with me, not them. He doesn't feel the need to reassure them. That's my job. He's the clinician, the counselor right now. He isn't their friend right now. It's a dirty job but he said he'll be damned if he spends all this time here and doesn't overturn every last stone to help me.

This has been going on for months and it's made everyone a little crazy. They've accused Sam of things, they've barred him from me, they've asked him to fill them in and he mostly lets them think whatever they want. He is indeed lonely but that was also a cover. It's a long story but I've made a lot of progress, I've slid backwards a few times (okay, dozens of times) and I swore I would hate him forever but then I realize I've turned another corner.

Since nothing else works he's been teaching me how to live with my demons and also my ghosts, how to exist in a world where I'm half-woman, half-child, how to use the things I've learned in the past to navigate the present and hopefully the future, and how to live on my own terms instead of those of everyone else.

How to grow up when everyone else wants to keep me small.

How to speak up when I can't hear the sound of my own voice. How to ask for what I want, and get it without danger, without harm coming to me or to those I love.

How to move on. Evolve. Change. Mature.

It turns out he is definitely qualified and ridiculously observant and has a much thicker skin than I realized. I'm growing a similar one as we speak. It turns out the boys, on the whole, are rather reluctant to see any of this take place as it interferes with things always staying the same. They want what's best for me but at the same time they've done nothing but fight to keep the status quo. Sam has also taught me that this isn't something I should be angry about, as I knew it all along, but that I can change their minds, I can lead by example, I can show them that this is necessary. It's so long overdue I may have missed the boat but then Sam said if I look hard, there's always another one going by that will take me to the same place.

Just cross your fingers for me, would you? I might be finally doing okay here, and that's what I want, even if it means the end of being perpetually twelve years old.