A new pastel pink bikini was delivered to me this morning unannounced. Caleb had it sent from a store where I once admired their things and then came to my senses because swimsuits, in my universe, don't cost $1100. I promptly got what I needed at Wal-Mart with the dark green number for a cool $17.99.
He says that's why it doesn't last. I pointed out they don't last because sand/concrete/wood is snaggy and the bum fabric gets grabbed and pulled so easily and sorry, but I'm not one of those Ibiza ladies in her high heels, full makeup and jewelry dancing on a yacht in my bikini and never sitting down. I'm a kid. I skid off the dock on my arse. I sit on the beach. I sit with my feet in the pool. Fuck Ibiza. Fuck yachts. Swimsuits are for swimming. Those people are wearing glorified lingerie.
I went over and asked him to send it back. Just lie and say it didn't fit or was redundant, that I can't take gifts from him anymore and that thank you but I plan on picking up a new suit this weekend. Probably at Wal-Mart.
He cringes. (Wow. Nice. It's horrible if it isn't Dior? What the fuck, Caleb. You weren't raised like this so fuck off with the snobbery, I'm thinking but he's busy steamrolling ahead.)
My parental support includes household needs. You're part of the household and have a need for a new suit. Enjoy it, Bridget. With my compliments.
ARGHHH.
Is that 'thank you' in Carnyspeak?
No.
Bridget, the money I have given you is yours without conditions but I still have more than you so if I want to treat you then I should be able to pick up the occasional item that you require without it turning into world war three.
I fired you.
No, what you asked for was a break.
Wow, I love revisionist history. I asked for a permanent bre-
A physical moratorium, and as you can see, I've chosen to decline. I'm hoping this phase of yours doesn't last long. In the meantime please give an old man somethig nicer to look at then your half-naked bearded friends around the pool.
You're saying if I grow a beard I would be less attractive to you?
I didn't say that.
Oh so you're saying if I did grow one I'd be as attractive?
Bridget-
Maybe moreso?
Stop. Please.
What if I get PJ to wear this suit and I'll wear his board shorts? His beard is so lovel-
What will you wear on top?
Nothing! He doesn't wear a shirt. Why would I?
If you would like to skinny-dip, call me.
I knew it. The beard turns you on.
Christ. Will you keep the suit, Bridget?
Because beards are hawwwwwwwwwwwww-
BRIDGET.
I'll ask Lochlan if it's okay.
Why does he need to approve this?
Hey, I didn't say I didn't want to be submissive anymore, I said I didn't want to be a sub to YOU.
I draped the bikini pieces over each of his shoulders and went home.