Will the faithful be rewardedRight now it's three in the morning. I open my eyes as Lochlan's hand slides down my face and wraps around my back to pull me into his arms. He's not even awake, he's in the sweet place in life when you don't know your dreams aren't real. Once he can get his left arm fully around me to hold me close he climbs over me. Oh, he's awake now, right hand curious and alert as his lips land against mine. I pull him down and we start to move. In reverse, starting slowly instead of crazy-fast like we usually do, out of breath, in a rush.
When we come to the end
Will I miss the final warning
From the lie that I have lived
Is there anybody calling
I can see the soul within
And I am not worthy
I am not worthy of this
He builds up gradually until we're at speed and then changes direction again. More pressure, slower even than before, holding me down with one wrist pinned against the quilt. His mouth is open, lower lip slack, eyes watching me in the dark. He bends his head down and kisses me like he used to. I don't even fight for breath. This is great. I can die right here. But no, he still has other plans for me.
He scoops me up closer to him and begins to move faster and harder. I slide my hands up into his hair and he pulls away again and smiles at me. Then he gets up and flips me over onto my stomach and resumes the faster cadence, holding both my hands tightly in his left hand, over my head, his face right there above my shoulder, his mouth warm against my hair. He makes the most glorious sound and then slows to a agonizing crawl before stopping. He lets go and turns me back tightly into his right arm this time as we lie there staring at each other in the dark.
*
I can't write this stuff properly. It comes out sounding like a poorly-executed romance novel and yet when I do try to write about it it's because it was particularly profound or singularly significant. There's no way to convey it but I try anyway. It's been just me and him in the big bed for months and last night was the first night that I didn't feel the stinging cold absence of Benjamin shrouding everything like a miserable fog.