Tuesday, 12 August 2014

There, but for the grace of God (go I).

Be my reminder here that I am not alone in this body
This body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion
Maybe by his own recognizance, maybe at Sam's urging, Batman wants a barometer and I'm having none of it. Where was he a week ago? Where was he when I've been hiding in the garage or the library watching my mind squeeze through the cracks in the floorboards and soak into the bedrock?

I've destroyed Caleb's work, I've failed at being trustworthy and oh, yeah, I found my Lateralus CD under the seat in Daniel's car. Because I had to move the seat up all the way to reach the pedals and I saw it when I was getting back in. So I still haven't grown any and that's just the last straw, I tell you. 

Batman puts his hands in his pockets and laughs nervously because when I get going he doesn't know what to say and I know he liked me quiet and easy to lead. He isn't used to strong personalities, he's very unassuming, able to step back and blend into his environment and that's made for an easy time for him here. Sometimes I wish he'd go home. He wants to be my conscience but that position has already been filled by Sam, who reminds me daily that I need to think before I say things and not do so much damage when I spread my moods over the collective like thick warm butter, suffocating every living thing for miles.

If you want to come in and save the day I think you need to start sooner, otherwise maybe you could be my friend? My nosy neighbor? Part of my storied past?

Indeed. I don't want to get involved without being invited but I think sometimes you have resources that you forget about, that would make your life easier. 

I snort. (Easier? Naw, I'm going to do this the hard way, gunning her straight through.)

So I'm here as a reminder, that's all. 

I'll keep it in mind. 

Better yet. Let me deal with him. 

I can deal with him. 

Yes, I see that and I see how poorly you come out as a result. 

I'm fine. 

He shakes his head and stares at me. You're never actually going to let me in, are you?

It's my turn to look away and shake my head. I've got a lot going on. 

Nothing's changed, then. 


Then can I extract a promise that if you need anything, be it money, muscle or just a hug, that you'll come to me? If I can do anything. I feel helpless here, Bridget. 

Don't. You live in a beautiful spot. The view's not bad either. There's New-Jake, shirtless in the driveway cleaning the bike and I gesture at him. Batman smiles.

It's a waste is what that is. 

Maybe he'll be only unscathed one here. But then Jake sees me and hurries over.

I doubt it. 

Me too. 

Thanks for the vote of confidence. 

If I had any confidence in you being able to weather these years relying solely on your own stubbornness, I wouldn't be here right now. You're tough, Bridget but you're no match for this. 

Sure I am. I'm here, aren't I? 

Only because they won't let you go.

I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Right here. Right now. You worry too much.