Wednesday, 29 January 2014

More from the confession without absolution crowd.

Claus was here today!

Remember Claus? Well, he came at a good time, for I had already decided I wasn't going to get out of bed. It's been five years since I've seen him. He was my favorite head-doc in the cold lands. Post-Cole, mid-Jake. 

He and Sam had a great chat. They remembered each other. I didn't know Sam was privvy to some of Jacob's private talks with Claus. Gee, you think Jake spent his time grooming Sam to be my keeper in Jake's afterlife? 

Yeah. I think he did. 

Claus got an earful from me, holy shit. I don't think I was ever actually straight with the man because he liked knowing how I felt in the moment. And then how to keep the momentum. How to use emotions as leverage to survive. How to thrive amongst the chaos. 

Instead I told him a bunch of other things and he asked me why I never told him these things before, that it would have helped, it would have made a difference. But I am no longer hopeful, just resigned and so I pointed that out, that thirty some-odd years of silence makes for interesting fucked-up-edness and I don't share these things because I don't want to be a curiosity. 

He made me cry. He told me that I was strong. 

I hate it when people say that because I am hypnotized, prosthelized, brainwashed and objectified and not nearly as strong as I could be, oh no.

He asked who was actually on my side and I gave him names as if it mattered. Does it? I don't know. 

He asked about Joel. Joel is pretty much guaranteed not to be on my side, so that's that. 

He said he had hoped things would be better. They are, I told him. Well, in a different way, I mean.

He's heading off to Vancouver island to do some exploring. Canada's a huge country. He said he'll swing back around on his way home in a week or so and he gave me some things to think about in the meantime.

But I won't.