1 1/2 cups buttermilk
1/4 cup of butter
2 large eggs
2 cups flour
2 tsp. baking soda
3 tbsp. sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla
Matt and Sam let me spend most of Friday torturing them with my misery and then finally Lochlan was home and he did what he always does when he comes home from many hours gone. He grabbed me in close against his chest and rocked me while standing in place. Tight enough so that I can't breathe which is ironic because he's home and now I can, white knuckles showing color again, brain unravelling, heart filling up with blood, nerves repaired.
He tucked his head down against mine. You are a Good Human, you just give too much of yourself to people who don't deserve it.
I shake my head and he says, You have to trust me. In this world where all of us are awful and selfish and reckless, you are selfless, sweet and careful.
This is not a bad thing, Peanut. Never a bad thing. And I missed you. I get a kiss that rivals just about any movie I've ever seen and he finally pulls away and winks at me. I brought you a present.
A home lobotomy kit!
A bunny-pancake machine?
A devil-containment kit?
Oh, I could contain that fucker but no.
Then what is it?
This! He unwraps a gorgeous little stained glass camper. It's a lamp. It's beautiful. It's similar to ones we saw in Tofino but this one is stubby. Like our camper was on the fair.
JESUS CHRIST THIS IS AWESOME!
It's cute isn't it?
Oh it's SO cute!
I will make a list for Christmas with those first two guesses on it though. He walks over to the counter and plugs in the camper. It glows softly. I love it, it looks like home. I never had post traumatic stress disorder inside the camper afterward and I thank him for that. He always said bad memories shouldn't come from places, only people and he was right.
Where am I going to find a home lobotomy kit anyway, Bridgie? It's December. I don't have much time.
Pshh. The hardware store? Seems kind of obvious.
Sometimes you frighten me.
You should have been here yesterday then. You would have been terrified.
I heard. But do you want to know something? He's got enough money and time to travel to the best doctors in the world so there is no point in worrying about him.
That doesn't mean I can just turn it off like a light switch.
I wish it did. I wish I could be selfish and ask you not to care. Hell, I wish I could ask you exactly what I'm supposed to buy at the hardware store that comprises this kit because your brain literally terrifies me.
A chainsaw, crowbar and a good claw hammer, Locket.
And you do what with these things?
Open up the top of my head and take out my brain.
Then what happens?
I'll fill the hole with cotton candy and colored lights.
What will happen when you try to remember the past?
That's the good part. I won't be able to. It will be like starting fresh.
You'll lose the good memories too.
No, I won't. You can tell them to me all over again.
And they'll go in one ear and out the other if you can't retain them, Peanut.
Sure I can. Cotton candy is probably very absorbent.
Naw, you better stuff some pancakes in there too, just in case it's not.
This is going to be fun.
I don't think it is. I think I'd rather buy a bracelet for you for Christmas than a chainsaw.
God, Lochlan. I thought you knew me.
Pretty sure I do, so chainsaw it is. Maybe I can incorporate it into my routine.
Now that will be awesome.
You'll be impressed with me every damned time, because you won't remember if I'm good or bad at it.
I'm already impressed with you every time. You just don't believe me. I'll give you a lobotomy too. Maybe we should write down the memories we want to keep before we do this.
Yeah. Good idea. And the pancake recipe. Just so we're ready.
I woke up the next morning to find both of his arms wrapped tightly around my head like he was holding the whole world in his arms as he slept. When he woke up and I remarked on it, he told me he was.