Ben came over and rested his chin on the top of my head, standing directly behind me as I looked out the window into the dark. I leaned back against him and he put his arms around me.
Why aren't we packing?
It will only take a half hour or so.
True. Are you looking forward to it at all?
I twist around so I am facing him. Of course I am! Are you?
Yes. Though it's fucking cold there I think. Why else would Nolan leave?
He's not going on a tropical vacation, if that's what you mean.
It was a joke. A very bad one, considering.
Nolan is going to a funeral in Colorado. He needed someone to take care of the property for a week. We need a break and so we were selected to fulfill this duty. The only caveat? Only bring each other.
I was so excited until it sank in, exactly and now I'm not so sure. And he can see that without my pointing it out and we are mostly deluding ourselves here and clearly we really need this trip to sort some things out and then we'll be back for the big First Anniversary parties and whatnot.
But still.
I turn back around and stare out into the night. I count Mintaka, Alnilam and Alnitak. Betelgeuse. Saiph. That one I never forget. It's the same as safe.
He's not coming, Bridget. You can count all the stars you want but you already had a break with him and I know it wasn't ideal but this is our time now.
I turn back around. I know.
Maybe we shouldn't go.
We need to go, Ben.
I think we do too. But I have to wonder if I'm delaying the inevitable. Same sky, same place and all that. I've reached a point where it's finally beginning to sink in that I am the first runner up here and he's the fucking beauty queen.
In spite of myself I burst out laughing and clap both hands over my mouth but it's too late.
You think that's funny?
No. You just never do that.
Do what?
Make analogies.
Sometimes the best parts about you rub off on me, Bee, but it's the worst ones that I need to learn to live with.
Those are the ones you figure out first, not later, Benny.
What do you mean?
I married you knowing you had issues but I can live with them.
I have issues, do I?
Tons.
But you married me anyway.
Yes.
Thank God for that, Little Bee.
But do you? Do you thank Him or do you curse Him for the strife he has brought along with the unanimity?
You know something, Bridget? I have stood by and watched as you have fought to make peace with the dead and the living alike and I watch you struggle and fall down and get up again only to be knocked down and I don't know why you don't let me help you.
So you don't get hurt.
See, I don't think you'll hurt me. I don't think you could hurt me.
Oh, Ben, you don't even know what I'm capable of.
See, that's where you're wrong. Because I've seen it all and I'm STILL HERE.
Maybe that's a mistake.
No, that's the only thing that's right. He smiled at me, and his eyes were shining so bright I thought they might explode into a million new constellations but instead they gradually softened back into the warm brown that I know so well and I tried to smile back but it's hard because I don't trust myself. I was raised to be wrong and to be nimble and fickle and old habits are so hard to break it's like they're made of stone.
