Got the Italian theme right.

This morning when I stepped into my underwear in a hurry after a shower that was way too long and places I was supposed to be, I missed the hole for my left leg and wound up sticking my toes into the lace trim, tearing it off, swearing because this is one of my prettiest pairs and it figures that I don't even have enough grace to get dressed in the morning, like a normal person.

Probably because I'm not a normal person.

I part my hair in the middle, add a berry lip stain and put on all-black. My hair will wave out wild and the clothes say I'm serious in spite of it.

I am driven downtown where I conduct my first big real estate transaction without any assistance. Caleb is there but he says nothing. He wants to see what I come up with.

And I do great. I sign my name on all the papers and I walk out with a better deal than he could have gotten, probably because I'm sweeter and that's deadly sometimes.

Outside he holds his hand so high in the air for a high-five I wonder if he's signaling an air-taxi but but he has forgotten to do it at shoulder-level so I make a pass at it and succeed.

That was a stunning and appreciable event, Neamhchiontach. 

Thanks. I think. Now I have to go home and research whatever it is that I just talked them into. 

You've secured your future, and that of your children. 

Have I, though? This could go south. I'm amazed that any deals still go down in the middle (at the end?) of a pandemic. Plus the future was well-secured years ago.

That's when the best deals happen. When everything is flatlined and everyone is looking the other way. 

This actually doesn't help me. 

Oh, it will in the long run. And that's all that matters. 

He kisses my cheek when we get home, letting me out with my satchel of papers right beside the side door to the kitchen and continues down to his parking place further down the driveway. Lochlan comes out in bare feet, flannel shirt with only three buttons buttoned and I might not make it into the house for my knees have lost their ability to hold up the rest of my body suddenly.

Done with business? How did it go?

The charm still works. 

Ah. Good! Omelets then? To celebrate? And more coffee?

Yes, please. You should have heard my stomach all morning. It was like a Raptor. 

Bird or basketball player?

Dinosaur!

Ah. 

Over the best omelets we've ever had I regaled him with not only the underwear story but then the gatekeeping one where Caleb asked me if I could still name all of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sure I can..I love the movies. I watched the show because it came on before The Price is Right in the mornings when I was just home from a half-day at university. We only had one channel. It was the only thing on.

And then I realized I could name about three. Maybe.

Uh. Yeah, I can! I posture for effect. Fettuccine, Ravioli, Meatball and Parmesan!

He looks at me for a second and bursts out laughing. Then Lochlan does too, hearing the story.  I'm so pleased I can still entertain them, sitting here in my ripped undies. I don't want for much, truth be told, real estate deals or not. 

Not today's post but I wrote it over the weekend and don't know where to shove it so here.

How's..things? Caleb's standing in the patio door frame, looking surprised that I'm around at all. I don't think he expected to find me bringing in the bin from sorting the recycling, something we do at least twice a day anyway. I'm not sure if I'm above that or if he thought I would be somewhere chewing off pieces of my own face right now. Maybe we should both be more grateful and less surprised.

What, no hug? I drop the bin and hold my arms out. I don't have to ask him twice. He folds me in against his chest, pressing his lips against the top of my skull.

I was worried. I asked that they give you to me, that they not medicate you.

Clean. I hold my hands up in surrender. Since when are you an advocate for pushing through that kind of event? This is the man who gave me drugs right through my twenties to keep me from remembering that he abused me and also lays claim to all the fun we had.

Or something.

Since I realized it's just an endless circle if it goes that way. Ahh. I was so worried. You don't know how relieved I am to see you today.

You can come see me whenever.

Lochlan asked me not to. A power move after I asked him to not pull out the drugs as a solution.

What will he say if I ask him what happened?

He'll say that I asked for you. To look after you and he declined because he needs to man up.

So how does that spin into a power move?

I know him better than you do. I dearly wanted to be the one to hold you through this.

You weren't around.

I'm sorry, Bridget. He looks completely destroyed. I don't think he's slept. I'm doing so good as long as you don't mention names or ghosts or anything. It's either the calm before the storm or it really wasn't bad enough to invoke Joel chasing me down the hall with a needleful of forgetfulness.

It's fine. It seems like the worst has passed. 

I'm so glad. 

Thanks for the offer to take over. 

I'd do anything for you. 

Then I appreciate you letting Lochlan deal with it. He needs to learn-

I know, Neamhchiontach. He didn't run away. It's a first.

Oh, I'm kidding. We actually have a ridiculously cohesive militarized home menu plan.

Down the imaginary hopscotch-blocks on the sidewalk, making up the game as I go along.

Quiet-quiet-LOUD! I shout, two feet on the final rectangle that has a capital L on it.

What are you doing?

Making my brain tired so it will sleep. 

Is it working?

Of course not. Does it ever?

Vodka shots?

Maybe later. I'm winning. 

Winning what?

Maybe a chance to be together-enough to join you all at dinner. 

I think you've done it. 

Have I, though? 

Until you start drawing actual blocks on the kitchen floor, yes. 

Oh. Good to know. That was next. I roll up the sidewalk into my brain, snapping it out so it rolls all the way up in a rush and follow PJ to the butler's pantry to find some stuff for dinner.

I thought I was going to get a technicolor dream sleep through some powerful tranquilizers but instead he planned a camping trip.

The camper at the end of the yard, near the fence but back far enough to still have a view, as it's at the top of a gentle slope so you can see the water over the fence another fifty yards away.

A little campfire, the tiny lights strung up everywhere and the heaviest blankets we own. No wi-fi. Hot dogs over the fire and wine. No condiments. Just like the old days where we had to go to a diner for ketchup except instead of half a can of flat ginger ale for me (too young to drink on the road) I got to have wine too.

What happened to the benzo train?, I ask him finally, in the morning, once he stopped talking until I stopped freaking out and was able to sleep, in his arms, under the blankets. Under the stars, except the stars were outside the camper and we were inside.

I can handle this. You just need a change of direction and a voice to lead you back away from the edge. 

I nod. I need to be morning-drunk like this, is what I need. To remain in this tiny insular uncomplicated world where there are no clocks and there's no wifi. This is glorious. As long as we can make a fire, store and cook enough food for two and the weather holds (but even if it doesn't) this is good. He's right. I listened to him all night. We passed the wine bottle back and forth. He talked until his voice started to catch on memories and then we put the fire out, went inside, locked the door and slept until past noon.

It didn't need to be a show, he said finally and I know this. I'm here for you, he said and I know this.

I love you, he said.

And I know this.

You know when you wake up wondering WHAT WAS HE LISTENING TO WHAT WAS IT SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS IS IMPORTANT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ITS NOT A HARD QUESTION

Don't do it, Peanut. 

I think I have to. I pushed him away and went down to the piano, where I punched out REO Speedwagon's Can't Fight This Feeling at top volume. Hit all the right notes too when I sang. Everyone was up and at 'em by the time I was finished and I feel a lot better for some reason. I need people to help pull me out when the crazy train starts circling the hole of Despair.

(Had a good laugh in Ozark with the REO Speedwagon stuff -no spoilers because I'm not even finished it yet) but damn. REO and Jason Bateman in the same moment and I'm twelve again, I swear. Two of my favorite things in life, no lie. The rest are ectoplasmic, and harder to explain, I'm sorry.)

Pedals and everything. You can play that piano so fucking loud it would wake the dead but they keep telling me that's a euphemism even though I keep trying.

Peanut-

He can read my mind today, that train stopped on the tracks for what seems like hours now. This isn't natural. It's loaded. It's full. So many cars. So flammable. Blocking everything. Maybe this is a terrorist event. Maybe we should all get out of here in case it blows up. He can't see the break in the tracks, he's too far behind me for that this morning.

(Up and at 'em, boys!)

Maybe it's loaded with benzos, Lochlan offers helpfully. Finally.

God, I hope so.

The metaphor is water and the meaning has drowned.

Breaks my heart to see you cry
In the wake of incomplete time

The clouds are weighted today, heavy, obscuring the sun as it tries to burn off the pain of the point. I think it's going to stick around a little longer and keep trying, and the pain will be here forever to fight back.

Caleb's bitterness is sleepy this morning, and I have a new habit for the past several weeks of getting up early and going to crawl in with him, like I did with Lochlan for years and years and then PJ after that.

Time doesn't want to let go, making me crawl over the same lines over and over again, waiting for the end, waiting for a hand up but instead I trigger the mines and they blow me to smithereens, history destroying me only to have the hope of a future build me up again.

I'm not one of your bad dreams, Neamhchiontach. A lazy tender kiss is pressed through the hardest part of my skull, making it's way inside my brain to tenderize it. I'm just a man who has made mistakes. You won't find one who hasn't. The difference is most of them run away and I come back to face the one I hurt, to make it up to her. I pledged my life to you to fix this and for him to dismiss what we have every chance he gets is hurtful.

You all take the moment you're in to build yourself back up. You're doing it now.

There's a perspective I didn't consider. Another kiss, hard against my temple and his arms are tight. He is awake now, savoring the dense light, smoothing his hand over the pain, washing out the ripples and tears just under the surface of the water before another wave undoes all of his hard work. I just don't want him to build himself at my expense.

Diabhal-

You're here, that's all that matters. What would you like to do today?

May we fill the pool?

That's...phrased as asking permission. 

It works better with you.

With...me?

Can we fill it?

Go back. What do you mean?

You don't like my impulsiveness-

I LOVE your impulsiveness, what are you-

Whenever I just blurt out a plan you push it down. 

I'm sorry, Neamhchiontach. The last thing I want is for you to feel you communicate best with me in a formal tone.

Like that?

I'm sorry?

Don't be. I ignore his request for clarification. Does he need it? I doubt it. I slide out of his arms and out of his bed and head back into the hall. He says my name once but doesn't push it. I don't feel settled, I feel like I'm picking a fight if I continue this trajectory. Better to just go back to Lochlan where I don't have to play head games or word games. Back to where the clouds can't push me down on a day when I need to be up.  

"We love the things we love for what they are." ~Robert Frost.

Ben did finally turn into a giant smoking pumpkin, leaving us sometime in the predawn hours when it was dark and quiet, handing me back off again to Lochlan, who pulled me into his arms, buried his face in the crook of my neck where it tickles and fell asleep. But before that he first reaffirmed everything he feels for me, talking the entire time he made love to me about how we're meant to be together for life and it doesn't matter who or what drifts in and out of our lives in the interim, that Jake is a memory and Ben a mirage. Caleb? Just a bad dream, Peanut. It's okay.

I fell asleep underneath him when we finally stopped moving and woke up much the same and he squeezed me tight against him, back in charge, back in possession.

At least four weeks in the studio now, give or take a meal.

Cause I
I cannot start to crumble
So come on and try
Try to shut me and cut me down

I won't be silenced
You can't keep me quiet
Won't tremble when you try it
All I know is I won't go speechless
Speechless

One of my more fun Bridget Can't Do Self-Care routines involves singing all the Disney songs at top volume around the house all day. I warm up with tunes from The Little Mermaid and Moana, then move on to Coco, then Beauty and the Beast, back around with with Aladdin and eventually I'll devolve into Frozen because why not?

I don't really like Disney movies per se but I've seen everything because kids. Kids make you watch it all.

I love musicals though. That much I don't have to say again.

I got a Ben-Day as a bonus today. Ben won't sing along with me and asks me to stop while laughing. Lochlan never asks me to stop, never ever but Ben has had enough half a song in.

Ben is here because he doesn't feel comfortable leaving me to the wolves if half of them are Russian and so he's handed Duncan off to August and Sam (or as I like to call them, The Holy Triad of Hotness) (Shhhhhhhhh) and he's presented himself to me, not needing a deadline to return to work for once.

He smiles at me as he tells me this and I am rapt, crushed by the weight of his easy charm, and how different he is from Lochlan. Ben is my giant frat-boy, my Everything-Will-Be-Okay, he's...

He's what Lochlan used to be before the weight of a different kind crushed everything. It wasn't charm, it was fear. It was regret and damage and defeat.

Ben brings back the weightlessness of Life Before. Lochlan has device-handoff in Ben, who brings us back around to being out from the weight. He's a beautiful departure from everything and God, I love him so, in a way I don't love anyone else.

What do you want for lunch?

That's a silly question.

Is it? He grins salaciously.

It totally is!

Huh. We should go find your husband and bring him with us.

Yes. Wait. Where? Where are we going?

Upstairs. For lunch. Go get him, Bee.

Okay. I run off across the lawn to find Lochlan who is wrenching through his quarantine and likes to do as much as he possibly can before asking for help but most of the time when I go looking for him he's juggling tools and singing. It's kind of ridiculous. We're meant for greater things than entertaining the boys of Point Perdition, I swear.

I run right into him and almost get stabbed by a Robertson. Or maybe it's a Phillips. Maybe it's a Hex, like me. 

Jesus, Peanut. Be careful.  Such a dad. Christ. This makes my brain hurt.

Got a second?

For you, always. Now he sounds like Ben.

Come inside?

Sure.

I have a surprise for you.

Is it a Ben?

Maybe!

Awesome. Oh, my heart. He missed him too.

What am I doing right now, Ben asks?

  

Nothing.

A lot of people are reaching out.

And I'm not a sociable person, truthfully.

I'm ridiculously awkward and have a tendency to throw on an act, be it weird or perfectly normal, I never know what's going to come out. I have eight hundred emails here and I'm trying to reply in order of how much I like you. Corey called me direct and I told him it was my number, and who did he want, I'd give him theirs, or I would let them know he was calling and they could call him back but he said he wanted to talk to me, and I asked why, almost rudely. The only time he wants to talk to me anymore is to talk me into something for his work and I don't make music videos or single covers anymore unless there's a lot of money involved or it's something insane like a pool full of bubbles and fire but no, he just wanted to catch up and see how I was.

Which was nice and he is good, though he hates where he is currently and already broke up with his girlfriend. So clearly he's bored and he called me. I get that. We had a nice chat and when this is over I invited him out for supper.

Then the Russians showed up which was really fun, as we scrambled to figure out how to tell them we aren't accepting visitors and finally Caleb went out to the porch and while misguided, they were concerned that I had been feeling poorly and wanted to see for themselves that I was better. I walked out on the porch and when I got to where Caleb was he stopped me so I could go no further. The driver walked to the bottom of the steps and laid down a huge bouquet of roses for me and Easter chocolate for the children. They reminded us to call if we needed anything and then the two black cars reversed down the driveway, one a Ghost, one a Mercedes.

Jesus Christ.

We came back in and made coffee and breakfast quite robotically after that. I can't believe they didn't trust their own doctors not to lie to them. What the fuck. Caleb is shellshocked. I'm just angry that the doctor is giving updates about my private health issues to a bunch of mob-

Bridget, you know that's how he gets paid. 

I thought you paid him to do house calls. 

I do, but he's on their payroll. They know everything. 

I thought this was finished. 

It is. 

Then why were they just in my driveway demanding proof that I'm fine from a simple ear infection?

I think the old guy is fond of you. 

Yeah, well, I'm scared of him. 

Then Robin called but I let it go to message because I didn't want to vent all over him and he finally called Dylan who relayed all of Robin's concerns by shouting them across the room until I made the throat-slitting motion and he stopped and I'm not supposed to mention Dylan anyway.

Lochlan squeezed my hand and says the only way I can spin it is to be glad there are a lot of people high up looking out for me.

I look at him and nod. What's your name again?

Bridget. There's no use being nervous. 

The mafia didn't just show up looking for proof you were alright. I need to get Caleb out from under them-

He made his bed-

With me in it!

It's fine. They're out for a drive. They want to help. Lochlan, who has spent his entire life around shady folk, folks on the run, folks up to no good and people looking to escape the wrong they've caused is completely at peace with all of it.

If they come back no one open the gates. I'll talk to them on coms. They don't get to be here at my house. 

He nods. I know he's putting on a brave show for me, just like he does every time the doctor shows up and he knows a report will be made.

The doctor is an easy perk. Use who you know. 

Is that riffing on 'Keep your enemies closer'?

Maybe. 

I vow to spend the rest of the day on the beach, my phone upstairs in a drawer. There are two different places I can hide down there and pretend the world isn't real, which was nice for a moment or two as an escape but now it seems like an absolute necessity.