Breaks my heart to see you cry
In the wake of incomplete time
The clouds are weighted today, heavy, obscuring the sun as it tries to burn off the pain of the point. I think it's going to stick around a little longer and keep trying, and the pain will be here forever to fight back.
Caleb's bitterness is sleepy this morning, and I have a new habit for the past several weeks of getting up early and going to crawl in with him, like I did with Lochlan for years and years and then PJ after that.
Time doesn't want to let go, making me crawl over the same lines over and over again, waiting for the end, waiting for a hand up but instead I trigger the mines and they blow me to smithereens, history destroying me only to have the hope of a future build me up again.
I'm not one of your bad dreams, Neamhchiontach. A lazy tender kiss is pressed through the hardest part of my skull, making it's way inside my brain to tenderize it. I'm just a man who has made mistakes. You won't find one who hasn't. The difference is most of them run away and I come back to face the one I hurt, to make it up to her. I pledged my life to you to fix this and for him to dismiss what we have every chance he gets is hurtful.
You all take the moment you're in to build yourself back up. You're doing it now.
There's a perspective I didn't consider. Another kiss, hard against my temple and his arms are tight. He is awake now, savoring the dense light, smoothing his hand over the pain, washing out the ripples and tears just under the surface of the water before another wave undoes all of his hard work. I just don't want him to build himself at my expense.
Diabhal-
You're here, that's all that matters. What would you like to do today?
May we fill the pool?
That's...phrased as asking permission.
It works better with you.
With...me?
Can we fill it?
Go back. What do you mean?
You don't like my impulsiveness-
I LOVE your impulsiveness, what are you-
Whenever I just blurt out a plan you push it down.
I'm sorry, Neamhchiontach. The last thing I want is for you to feel you communicate best with me in a formal tone.
Like that?
I'm sorry?
Don't be. I ignore his request for clarification. Does he need it? I doubt it. I slide out of his arms and out of his bed and head back into the hall. He says my name once but doesn't push it. I don't feel settled, I feel like I'm picking a fight if I continue this trajectory. Better to just go back to Lochlan where I don't have to play head games or word games. Back to where the clouds can't push me down on a day when I need to be up.
Caleb's bitterness is sleepy this morning, and I have a new habit for the past several weeks of getting up early and going to crawl in with him, like I did with Lochlan for years and years and then PJ after that.
Time doesn't want to let go, making me crawl over the same lines over and over again, waiting for the end, waiting for a hand up but instead I trigger the mines and they blow me to smithereens, history destroying me only to have the hope of a future build me up again.
I'm not one of your bad dreams, Neamhchiontach. A lazy tender kiss is pressed through the hardest part of my skull, making it's way inside my brain to tenderize it. I'm just a man who has made mistakes. You won't find one who hasn't. The difference is most of them run away and I come back to face the one I hurt, to make it up to her. I pledged my life to you to fix this and for him to dismiss what we have every chance he gets is hurtful.
You all take the moment you're in to build yourself back up. You're doing it now.
There's a perspective I didn't consider. Another kiss, hard against my temple and his arms are tight. He is awake now, savoring the dense light, smoothing his hand over the pain, washing out the ripples and tears just under the surface of the water before another wave undoes all of his hard work. I just don't want him to build himself at my expense.
Diabhal-
You're here, that's all that matters. What would you like to do today?
May we fill the pool?
That's...phrased as asking permission.
It works better with you.
With...me?
Can we fill it?
Go back. What do you mean?
You don't like my impulsiveness-
I LOVE your impulsiveness, what are you-
Whenever I just blurt out a plan you push it down.
I'm sorry, Neamhchiontach. The last thing I want is for you to feel you communicate best with me in a formal tone.
Like that?
I'm sorry?
Don't be. I ignore his request for clarification. Does he need it? I doubt it. I slide out of his arms and out of his bed and head back into the hall. He says my name once but doesn't push it. I don't feel settled, I feel like I'm picking a fight if I continue this trajectory. Better to just go back to Lochlan where I don't have to play head games or word games. Back to where the clouds can't push me down on a day when I need to be up.