Friday always brings a second post, if you didn't know that then welcome and enjoy. Friday is a giant mood ring for me. I start off black and by sometime around three o'clock my mood ring displays the most beautiful shade of blue you will ever witness with your bare naked eyeballs.
I wonder how many hits 'Naked Saltwater Princess' will bring to this doorstep via Google over the coming weekend.
Jake says if every day was as bad as I painted it here we'd all be sipping belladonna and navigating a slow death a hundred times over. Do I do that? I don't mean to do that, but this is how it plays out in my head. I'm not an effortless optimistic, by any stretch of your imagination.
So here's a very upbeat! new! development! because there is nowhere to go but up. Right?
Jacob has cancelled my birthday trip.
And it's okay. Well, we were going to cancel it anyway. I have no intentions of taking my kids overseas while Israel and Pakistan Lebanon (Thank you Potor) are at war. And then Cole finalized our plans by not changing his will. Which means I need to take his ashes home to Nova Scotia. To top it off there are only so many vacation days you can take as a minister each year, so while we're home we'll spend time with both families-Jacob's parents live in Newfoundland, and call it the summer vacation.
I'm looking forward to it. Neither one of us have been home in years. Hopefully it will all go smoothly. Optimistically speaking.
Friday, 21 July 2006
Wait. I make him laugh, dammit!
This morning I exchanged the intoxicating freedom of the open highway where I swear I was seventeen all over again for the crushing personal roadblocks and congestion of couple's therapy, from which I emerged into the blinding sunlight choking back sobs and trying to uselessly force my way out of Jacob's strong arms, having just been yanked back weeks progress-wise. Our time even ran over and yet we weren't on speaking terms with each other when we left, despite the desperate measures we (okay, they) took to try to sort it out while we were still there. Because Jacob is fed up and because I am in pain.
I am 'emotionally immature' (I want to write 'duh' here but that would just confirm it). And when I was pointedly called upon to define myself under that label I straightaway looked to Jake to FIX IT BECAUSE THAT ISN'T FAIR. And the counselor pounces again and asks me what Jake is going to be able to do for that, since he is part of the problem.
Jake? Well, he studied the floor like it was going to magically scroll the answers across the tiles beneath his shoes.
In trying to help me develop tools to stand on my own two feet in this relationship (translation; grow the fuck up) instead of being so goddamned submissive when it comes to men, specifically the ones I love, all of my flaws are exposed to the light, then they have verbal acid thrown on them and then they're kicked to the curb to be repeatedly run over.
Jake is asked to list some of the things he brings to our relationship. Easy. He DOES THIS FOR A LIVING, people. He rattles off so many concrete examples. Flawless. Bravo. I am lucky. A million times over. I love how he never has to point out his fears like I do in these sessions.
What do I bring?
Ha. Um. The kids, okay, yeah, Ruth and Henry. Um. Ah. Optimism that the future will be better than the past. Oh and I can totally get my way with sexual favors.
Bridget do you feel that your power comes through sex?
Aw geez, you people are harsh. Inside my head the wild girl is screaming with laughter. Of course it does, watch as I seduce any man I want without having to speak a single word. Idiots!
Outwardly:
Well, no, it shouldn't, but..
Do you think this is healthy?
Oh now here comes the belligerence. Such a fucking brat.
Yes, actually I think a healthy sex life is very important in a relationship.
Healthy if you're using it as a means to an end instead of just as recreational intimacy?
Well, that's why we're here now, isn't it? Because I don't have any other obvious bargaining chips.
Jake laughed. At the very worst time ever. Which turned out to be good, because the therapist got to witness us argue briefly, to see both Jacob's total faultlessness and my purposeless, misunderstood, automatic compliance, as I deferred to him. As usual.
Bridget, why do you do that?
What?
Drop the argument and yield to Jacob?
I didn't even hear myself whisper it. So he doesn't leave me.
Therapy was stopped then, and it was decided that we were going to step up the frequency of the sessions because when they tell me I'm doing well they lie. It's a verbal pat on the head because I didn't fire anyone that session, or something. When they say I'm doing well I take it to mean that I'm almost normal again. Which colors me as an optimist, because when they say I'm doing well, what they really mean is that I'm progressing normally for a totally fucked up girl. Textbook.
And because pressing myself against the inside of the truck door isn't very comfortable I sit like a robot beside Jake on the drive home. Wait for it, wait for it...here we go.
Why can't you believe that I'm not leaving you?
Because trust takes time.
Oh, and you can't trust me? After all this time?
I can't trust anyone, Jake.
Then why did you say you could before? What changed?
Nothing, I just decided telling you what you want to hear isn't going to make this feeling go away.
What feeling?
The fear that this is all a dream and you're not real. That you'll leave. People say things they don't mean every single day, Jacob.
Well, I don't. I'm real. You are not sometimes. Bridget, when I touch you I feel like I'm in heaven and it's not real. You're too good to be true. When I go to sleep at night I pray that I won't wake up in the morning and find you've changed your mind. That you don't really want me, because you're too beautiful and I'm just a servant. That you'll find some great new guy who will take you out of this godforsaken place for good and give you everything, with none of the bad memories we have in our past.
I'm never leaving you. Ever.
Okay then I need another promise. Promise me you'll never stop making me laugh like you did today. Because I knew exactly what was going through your pretty little head even as you said something completely different. You're impossible. I couldn't help laughing out loud.
My purse bounced harmlessless off his head and we almost went off the road laughing. He is better therapy than the professionals that cost us money.
I am 'emotionally immature' (I want to write 'duh' here but that would just confirm it). And when I was pointedly called upon to define myself under that label I straightaway looked to Jake to FIX IT BECAUSE THAT ISN'T FAIR. And the counselor pounces again and asks me what Jake is going to be able to do for that, since he is part of the problem.
Jake? Well, he studied the floor like it was going to magically scroll the answers across the tiles beneath his shoes.
In trying to help me develop tools to stand on my own two feet in this relationship (translation; grow the fuck up) instead of being so goddamned submissive when it comes to men, specifically the ones I love, all of my flaws are exposed to the light, then they have verbal acid thrown on them and then they're kicked to the curb to be repeatedly run over.
Jake is asked to list some of the things he brings to our relationship. Easy. He DOES THIS FOR A LIVING, people. He rattles off so many concrete examples. Flawless. Bravo. I am lucky. A million times over. I love how he never has to point out his fears like I do in these sessions.
What do I bring?
Ha. Um. The kids, okay, yeah, Ruth and Henry. Um. Ah. Optimism that the future will be better than the past. Oh and I can totally get my way with sexual favors.
Bridget do you feel that your power comes through sex?
Aw geez, you people are harsh. Inside my head the wild girl is screaming with laughter. Of course it does, watch as I seduce any man I want without having to speak a single word. Idiots!
Outwardly:
Well, no, it shouldn't, but..
Do you think this is healthy?
Oh now here comes the belligerence. Such a fucking brat.
Yes, actually I think a healthy sex life is very important in a relationship.
Healthy if you're using it as a means to an end instead of just as recreational intimacy?
Well, that's why we're here now, isn't it? Because I don't have any other obvious bargaining chips.
Jake laughed. At the very worst time ever. Which turned out to be good, because the therapist got to witness us argue briefly, to see both Jacob's total faultlessness and my purposeless, misunderstood, automatic compliance, as I deferred to him. As usual.
Bridget, why do you do that?
What?
Drop the argument and yield to Jacob?
I didn't even hear myself whisper it. So he doesn't leave me.
Therapy was stopped then, and it was decided that we were going to step up the frequency of the sessions because when they tell me I'm doing well they lie. It's a verbal pat on the head because I didn't fire anyone that session, or something. When they say I'm doing well I take it to mean that I'm almost normal again. Which colors me as an optimist, because when they say I'm doing well, what they really mean is that I'm progressing normally for a totally fucked up girl. Textbook.
And because pressing myself against the inside of the truck door isn't very comfortable I sit like a robot beside Jake on the drive home. Wait for it, wait for it...here we go.
Why can't you believe that I'm not leaving you?
Because trust takes time.
Oh, and you can't trust me? After all this time?
I can't trust anyone, Jake.
Then why did you say you could before? What changed?
Nothing, I just decided telling you what you want to hear isn't going to make this feeling go away.
What feeling?
The fear that this is all a dream and you're not real. That you'll leave. People say things they don't mean every single day, Jacob.
Well, I don't. I'm real. You are not sometimes. Bridget, when I touch you I feel like I'm in heaven and it's not real. You're too good to be true. When I go to sleep at night I pray that I won't wake up in the morning and find you've changed your mind. That you don't really want me, because you're too beautiful and I'm just a servant. That you'll find some great new guy who will take you out of this godforsaken place for good and give you everything, with none of the bad memories we have in our past.
I'm never leaving you. Ever.
Okay then I need another promise. Promise me you'll never stop making me laugh like you did today. Because I knew exactly what was going through your pretty little head even as you said something completely different. You're impossible. I couldn't help laughing out loud.
My purse bounced harmlessless off his head and we almost went off the road laughing. He is better therapy than the professionals that cost us money.
Thursday, 20 July 2006
This just in: I'm one hundred percent not cool.
In response to the emailer who asked me how I could post so flippantly less than two days after my husband's funeral. I only have this to say:
You deal with things your way, and I'll deal with things my way, with help from my family, friends, two therapists and my writing. Maybe even with help from my boyfriend.
And for the record, I've been grieving for Cole since April when I actually went back to him briefly and then again in May when he tried to kill me. He's been dead longer than just a week in my world.
I need a thicker skin. Tomorrow I'm going to talk more about comparisons and new couple dynamics and the effects of that on said family and friends. It's been...interesting, to say the least.
And now, I'm hitting the road with the sunroof open in my little sportscar and I'm taking my Def Leppard Hysteria CD with me. Because 1987 was a good year for music, a full ten years before Savage Garden ever made it to my stereo. And because Jake refuses to listen to the lead-in to the chorus for Love Bites because he says it's painful so he wouldn't let me play it in his truck. I don't get it but he won't explain. Pfft.
I don't wanna touch you too much baby
cause making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it
Oh, on second thought I totally get it now.
You deal with things your way, and I'll deal with things my way, with help from my family, friends, two therapists and my writing. Maybe even with help from my boyfriend.
And for the record, I've been grieving for Cole since April when I actually went back to him briefly and then again in May when he tried to kill me. He's been dead longer than just a week in my world.
I need a thicker skin. Tomorrow I'm going to talk more about comparisons and new couple dynamics and the effects of that on said family and friends. It's been...interesting, to say the least.
And now, I'm hitting the road with the sunroof open in my little sportscar and I'm taking my Def Leppard Hysteria CD with me. Because 1987 was a good year for music, a full ten years before Savage Garden ever made it to my stereo. And because Jake refuses to listen to the lead-in to the chorus for Love Bites because he says it's painful so he wouldn't let me play it in his truck. I don't get it but he won't explain. Pfft.
I don't wanna touch you too much baby
cause making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it
Oh, on second thought I totally get it now.
Blackmail for two.
BRIDGE!
Yes?
What is taking so long?
I'm putting on mascara.
What?
I'M PUTTING ON MASCARA!
(Finally I make it to the back porch.)
Why are you putting that on? Your eyelashes are long.
They're white. Like yours. Read: invisible.
And?
And I want to look pretty for you.
You look pretty asleep. Sweaty. I'm not picky really. Besides, you didn't even brush your hair. You're secretly a high maintenance scatter-brained tomboy.
Yes I did brush it.
It's vaguely messy.
It's controlled 'just rolled out of bed' you like it?
Very much now put that way.
Are we ready?
Do you have the CDs?
Yup.
Which ones?
Um, Black Sabbath and the soundtrack for Heavy Metal.
Oh Lord.
What did you want?
Savage Garden.
No, seriously Jake. If the guys find this out they're going to make fun of you.
I like that moon song.
Yeah me too. Back in a minute.
Yes?
What is taking so long?
I'm putting on mascara.
What?
I'M PUTTING ON MASCARA!
(Finally I make it to the back porch.)
Why are you putting that on? Your eyelashes are long.
They're white. Like yours. Read: invisible.
And?
And I want to look pretty for you.
You look pretty asleep. Sweaty. I'm not picky really. Besides, you didn't even brush your hair. You're secretly a high maintenance scatter-brained tomboy.
Yes I did brush it.
It's vaguely messy.
It's controlled 'just rolled out of bed' you like it?
Very much now put that way.
Are we ready?
Do you have the CDs?
Yup.
Which ones?
Um, Black Sabbath and the soundtrack for Heavy Metal.
Oh Lord.
What did you want?
Savage Garden.
No, seriously Jake. If the guys find this out they're going to make fun of you.
I like that moon song.
Yeah me too. Back in a minute.
Wednesday, 19 July 2006
The way a fool would do, madly.
Today will be long again. I have therapy and then meetings all morning and in the afternoon we're playing airport taxi again. Jacob just left for work because he has to actually do some. I guess I can't hide behind his capable shoulders today. I'd like to. And him going to work involves him strolling the three blocks down to the church with his coffee and stopping fifteen times along the way to charm all the elderly ladies who seem to conveniently have to go out on their porches just as he passes by. It's adorable.
It goes well with the kids right now. Who haven't stopped playing Heart & Soul on the piano, since we went to see Superman Returns.
But I feel like I'm living in an episode of The Truman Show today.
Except taped to the front of my refrigerator is a sign that says
BRIDGET
DON'T
FORGET
TO EAT
It goes well with the kids right now. Who haven't stopped playing Heart & Soul on the piano, since we went to see Superman Returns.
But I feel like I'm living in an episode of The Truman Show today.
Except taped to the front of my refrigerator is a sign that says
BRIDGET
DON'T
FORGET
TO EAT
More than fine.
Late this afternoon the kids and I decided to brave the warm summer sun and walked the 4 blocks to the row of shops that border our leafy neighborhood-there's a bakery, a chiropractor, a dollar store and a deli. We were stalked by our member of local government who as usual pounced on me to see how the kids were doing, were they excited about starting school, and they had a quiz to name a statue that he had pins of. They got the pins even though they answered wrong.
He asked how we were doing, I said fine.
The funniest thing in the world to me right now. I suppose I could have entertained him with a litany of news. My husband died a week ago but it's okay because we separated in April and then again in May and the minister is now living with us because I half had an affair with him for the past ten years and I just recovered from the beating I received at the hands of my ex and I'm currently attempting to rebuild my happy go lucky/wild/enthusiastic self without resorting to any more alcohol and my kids had DNA tests even. Like Holy #$%^&*!
But sometimes 'fine' is the better choice.
It really is.
God love me. I'm a Jerry Springer show.
He asked how we were doing, I said fine.
The funniest thing in the world to me right now. I suppose I could have entertained him with a litany of news. My husband died a week ago but it's okay because we separated in April and then again in May and the minister is now living with us because I half had an affair with him for the past ten years and I just recovered from the beating I received at the hands of my ex and I'm currently attempting to rebuild my happy go lucky/wild/enthusiastic self without resorting to any more alcohol and my kids had DNA tests even. Like Holy #$%^&*!
But sometimes 'fine' is the better choice.
It really is.
God love me. I'm a Jerry Springer show.
Tuesday, 18 July 2006
Home.
Still going. I'm the energizer bunny. Thankfully I'm just not angry like I was this morning. Instead I am tired. Just very tired. Worn out. Possibly coming down with the flu.
The memorial is over. Thank God. They did a great job, Cole's..OUR friends all put aside their judgements that they had leveled against each other and against me and created an unforgettable tribute to him. A fitting one. Lots of funny stories. Tons of pictures passed around. A nod to his talent, constant reassurance that he would live on forever through his much-admired work and through our children. The magnificent effort of so many to tell those stories without touching too heavily on me, as I have been there beside him since he was nineteen years old. Some of his genius borne out of various overwhelming moments of joy or pain with me. The temperamental artist and his faithful muse.
I pegged this as the hardest day but it isn't and for that I'm grateful. I'm grateful also for the random hugs from friends, the offers of help, hell the offers of continued friendship from a group of guys who have put up with me and my wildness for so long they are family. And I'm grateful for the comments, emails and the real live snail mail cards from reader friends who have no idea how much they really mean to me. Thank you.
I want to write that I'm not going to talk about Cole here anymore but on second thought I don't want to make a promise I can't keep. Some days I don't know where my entry is going until it's there.
The memorial is over. Thank God. They did a great job, Cole's..OUR friends all put aside their judgements that they had leveled against each other and against me and created an unforgettable tribute to him. A fitting one. Lots of funny stories. Tons of pictures passed around. A nod to his talent, constant reassurance that he would live on forever through his much-admired work and through our children. The magnificent effort of so many to tell those stories without touching too heavily on me, as I have been there beside him since he was nineteen years old. Some of his genius borne out of various overwhelming moments of joy or pain with me. The temperamental artist and his faithful muse.
I pegged this as the hardest day but it isn't and for that I'm grateful. I'm grateful also for the random hugs from friends, the offers of help, hell the offers of continued friendship from a group of guys who have put up with me and my wildness for so long they are family. And I'm grateful for the comments, emails and the real live snail mail cards from reader friends who have no idea how much they really mean to me. Thank you.
I want to write that I'm not going to talk about Cole here anymore but on second thought I don't want to make a promise I can't keep. Some days I don't know where my entry is going until it's there.
Guess where I'm going now?
Never ever ask someone how they're doing an hour before. Never. Trust me.
Maybe I should write a handbook for ungracious widows.
Seriously. There is no place to put the uncivilized, disrespectful thoughts. The ones going through my head as I prepare to leave for the memorial *ahem* retrospective. The thoughts that say I had the last laugh after all of Cole's bullshit over the years. All the tears I shed for that man, the pain and humiliation and the doormat that I was to him. So where do you go to acknowledge being glad he is gone and positively disgusted to realize that you miss him? That you still love him?
Ack! I know. I know. I'm horrible.
Where do I put the euphorical ohmygodthemortgagewillbepaidoff thoughts with the ''who the hell is going to upgrade the wiring now and who will reassure me that the house will not burn down if we don't get to it right away" thoughts?
Where do I go to point out how hard I tried to love that man?
Where do I get the rights to make decisions on his behalf when I was so afraid of him I couldn't control the shaking? How does anyone expect me to do any of this according to his wishes? What about my wishes?
Oh , Bridge. Hello, you WISHED HE WAS DEAD.
I did, didn't I?
I'm not sorry I did that and I won't apologize for it. He'll get a last heaping dose of my petulance. He loved the lower lip sticking out, the refusal to talk to him when he was being awful. Here you go, Cole. He was human. I ruined something in him and I don't know what it was. I think I built up his badness and he had such big shoes to fill he became what I thought he was. And he used it to tear me down.
God help me if I do that again.
But.
I don't think I will.
For one thing, and oh yes, let's compare notes, shall we? Today of all days let's just stand them up side by side and share the details. No, just one.
Jacob has confidence in himself that Cole never ever had. No one believes me. It's true. So possibly he might emerge intact from falling down this rabbit hole into my world. Possibly. It's hard to tell. This morning Jacob told me if he could he would shield me from all of this and I would never have a sad, or scared thought in this world ever again.
Well, we all know what happens when you try to put Bridget in a box. To keep her safe. To keep her to yourself.
She bolts. She lets her heart wander away even though she's standing right next to you still.
Oddly this time there is exactly no place to go. The escape is here. Fantasy has collided with reality and I wound up with everything.
Take that to the afterlife you fucking asshole.
Cross my heart hope to die
Never meant to make you cry
Never ever ask someone how they're doing an hour before. Never. Trust me.
Maybe I should write a handbook for ungracious widows.
Seriously. There is no place to put the uncivilized, disrespectful thoughts. The ones going through my head as I prepare to leave for the memorial *ahem* retrospective. The thoughts that say I had the last laugh after all of Cole's bullshit over the years. All the tears I shed for that man, the pain and humiliation and the doormat that I was to him. So where do you go to acknowledge being glad he is gone and positively disgusted to realize that you miss him? That you still love him?
Ack! I know. I know. I'm horrible.
Where do I put the euphorical ohmygodthemortgagewillbepaidoff thoughts with the ''who the hell is going to upgrade the wiring now and who will reassure me that the house will not burn down if we don't get to it right away" thoughts?
Where do I go to point out how hard I tried to love that man?
Where do I get the rights to make decisions on his behalf when I was so afraid of him I couldn't control the shaking? How does anyone expect me to do any of this according to his wishes? What about my wishes?
Oh , Bridge. Hello, you WISHED HE WAS DEAD.
I did, didn't I?
I'm not sorry I did that and I won't apologize for it. He'll get a last heaping dose of my petulance. He loved the lower lip sticking out, the refusal to talk to him when he was being awful. Here you go, Cole. He was human. I ruined something in him and I don't know what it was. I think I built up his badness and he had such big shoes to fill he became what I thought he was. And he used it to tear me down.
God help me if I do that again.
But.
I don't think I will.
For one thing, and oh yes, let's compare notes, shall we? Today of all days let's just stand them up side by side and share the details. No, just one.
Jacob has confidence in himself that Cole never ever had. No one believes me. It's true. So possibly he might emerge intact from falling down this rabbit hole into my world. Possibly. It's hard to tell. This morning Jacob told me if he could he would shield me from all of this and I would never have a sad, or scared thought in this world ever again.
Well, we all know what happens when you try to put Bridget in a box. To keep her safe. To keep her to yourself.
She bolts. She lets her heart wander away even though she's standing right next to you still.
Oddly this time there is exactly no place to go. The escape is here. Fantasy has collided with reality and I wound up with everything.
Take that to the afterlife you fucking asshole.
Cross my heart hope to die
Never meant to make you cry
Monday, 17 July 2006
Taking inventory (more foolish daydreaming).
Because Jacob makes very good coffee while I talk to myself. He's happy I'm talking at all. Prattling even.
Fragile Miss Bridget's 96-hour bender appears to be officially over. Not willingly, mind you. In all honesty I would have forgone reality altogether but again, Jake took away all the liquid escapism and even the pills again and left me with this rawness that hurts when the wind touches it.
If you cover it up it will never heal, you beautiful mess, you.
Why does he do this? Oh yes, to push me forward. Onward, you idiot. Get moving. Get better. Get a grip on yourself and be a proper mother because you are all those kids have. And you are all he wants.
Right, okay. Faces are washed, breakfast is made. I am scrubbed and shining and wearing jeans and a shirt. Buttons again! Braids. Jacob came in with coffee and nodded his approval because when you're drunk, dresses half fall off sometimes which is lovely, and he gave me aspirin. I swore at him because I am such a bitch sometimes.
Instead of laughing at me he asks if he can have the ten year designation a bit early. He wants to claim ownership. I know, feminists cringe. Oh shut up. He's tired of everyone knowing me as Cole's wife.
What the fuck?
Oh hell. The most confident man I have ever met in my entire life is asking me for validation? For reassurance? Kind of like looking for shelter within a house of cards. Did he think I had taken the easy way out by leaving Cole to be with him? I point out the uncharacteristic lack of confidence in that statement from Jacob.
He just shrugged. Shaken again because of me. I should be so lucky as to not ruin everyone I love somehow. Seriously. The 'It's not you, it's me.' statement people use? Well, it's me. By far.
Of course he can. He has it. I told him it was only after the requisite decade did I ever allow myself to claim ownership of a feeling, obviously. It's funny how this long a time afterwards we both still remember our first real conversation, word for word. How naively I hung on to that decade with Cole that I had just accomplished like some sort of endurance marathon, and I held that up as the standard by which all relationships should be compared.
Hell, not like our relationship is really any less dysfunctional, most of it so far spent in total lust and complete denial, and yet if you ever saw us make dinner together or argue efficiently, you would guess we had been married for a hundred years.
It will be so perfect if only we are now given half a chance to enjoy it for what it is and what it should be. I can't even imagine life without Cole's presence looming over me. I can't. More denial which Jacob ripped the lid off because he's in a hurry. And after tomorrow is over with we can begin. The hundred year storybook marriage in complete love that I wished for so badly my whole life and I can't imagine it with anyone else, ever. I can't breathe at the thought of all that happiness within reach once and for all. He is holding his breath too. I'm touched beyond belief that he even still wants me, us, at all.
I just need strength to get through tomorrow first. I didn't want the grieving widow designation. So I won't claim it. Honestly I had wished Cole would just die so many times over I am exceeding careful of what I wish now. The memorial is not for me. It's not for Jake. It's for Ruth, Henry and all of Cole's extended family and friends. The ones who knew him as the loving father, helpful son, talented artist, the crazy musician, the passionate guy who boasted so loudly of his beautiful wife to total strangers even, the guy with the work ethic that never ever quit. They can have it. I won't argue. I'll sit passively and not openly cringe while they ignore the Cole I knew and instead exalt the virtues of the Cole they knew. That Cole was a very cool guy. I wished I could have known him. He was quite the superstar of our little universe.
But since I didn't, I will join Jacob and just pray to get through the day. Hurry hurry.
Fragile Miss Bridget's 96-hour bender appears to be officially over. Not willingly, mind you. In all honesty I would have forgone reality altogether but again, Jake took away all the liquid escapism and even the pills again and left me with this rawness that hurts when the wind touches it.
If you cover it up it will never heal, you beautiful mess, you.
Why does he do this? Oh yes, to push me forward. Onward, you idiot. Get moving. Get better. Get a grip on yourself and be a proper mother because you are all those kids have. And you are all he wants.
Right, okay. Faces are washed, breakfast is made. I am scrubbed and shining and wearing jeans and a shirt. Buttons again! Braids. Jacob came in with coffee and nodded his approval because when you're drunk, dresses half fall off sometimes which is lovely, and he gave me aspirin. I swore at him because I am such a bitch sometimes.
Instead of laughing at me he asks if he can have the ten year designation a bit early. He wants to claim ownership. I know, feminists cringe. Oh shut up. He's tired of everyone knowing me as Cole's wife.
What the fuck?
Oh hell. The most confident man I have ever met in my entire life is asking me for validation? For reassurance? Kind of like looking for shelter within a house of cards. Did he think I had taken the easy way out by leaving Cole to be with him? I point out the uncharacteristic lack of confidence in that statement from Jacob.
He just shrugged. Shaken again because of me. I should be so lucky as to not ruin everyone I love somehow. Seriously. The 'It's not you, it's me.' statement people use? Well, it's me. By far.
Of course he can. He has it. I told him it was only after the requisite decade did I ever allow myself to claim ownership of a feeling, obviously. It's funny how this long a time afterwards we both still remember our first real conversation, word for word. How naively I hung on to that decade with Cole that I had just accomplished like some sort of endurance marathon, and I held that up as the standard by which all relationships should be compared.
Hell, not like our relationship is really any less dysfunctional, most of it so far spent in total lust and complete denial, and yet if you ever saw us make dinner together or argue efficiently, you would guess we had been married for a hundred years.
It will be so perfect if only we are now given half a chance to enjoy it for what it is and what it should be. I can't even imagine life without Cole's presence looming over me. I can't. More denial which Jacob ripped the lid off because he's in a hurry. And after tomorrow is over with we can begin. The hundred year storybook marriage in complete love that I wished for so badly my whole life and I can't imagine it with anyone else, ever. I can't breathe at the thought of all that happiness within reach once and for all. He is holding his breath too. I'm touched beyond belief that he even still wants me, us, at all.
I just need strength to get through tomorrow first. I didn't want the grieving widow designation. So I won't claim it. Honestly I had wished Cole would just die so many times over I am exceeding careful of what I wish now. The memorial is not for me. It's not for Jake. It's for Ruth, Henry and all of Cole's extended family and friends. The ones who knew him as the loving father, helpful son, talented artist, the crazy musician, the passionate guy who boasted so loudly of his beautiful wife to total strangers even, the guy with the work ethic that never ever quit. They can have it. I won't argue. I'll sit passively and not openly cringe while they ignore the Cole I knew and instead exalt the virtues of the Cole they knew. That Cole was a very cool guy. I wished I could have known him. He was quite the superstar of our little universe.
But since I didn't, I will join Jacob and just pray to get through the day. Hurry hurry.
Sunday, 16 July 2006
Jacob didnt conduct the service. At the last minute I think he decided I was to trashed to sit upright and so he sat with us and let me lean against him and enjoyed the heck out of Carolyn's sermon instead.
Afterward. I got a zagillion hugs. So nice. I would pay for those. Wonderful.
The feelings are going. It's not reverse homesickness or whatever. It's fear. The fear is going. Still drunk though. But just durnka nd not scared. I have to stop that. I can't be drunk this week. Too much to do. Memorial on Tuesady. It grew before my eyes. Cole has so many friends. None of whom can blame him for his craziness because of me. And they love me too. The kids, jake. Weird.
His office. God I can;t do this.
I asked Jake if he still wanted to marry me. He laughed and said no. Not until I'm sober again. He said he's going to out a limit on my foolishenss and I cant blame him. So I'm going to go dance on a table now and finish out the night and then tomkorrow I'm not touching anything. So hoepfully by Tues morning things will have evened iout.
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