7:56/4:44
We've reached a whole new level of stress over here and I don't want to talk about it.
I want to look forward to the Olympics and spring.
I want to decorate for Easter maybe and host a dinner.
I want to hang out with Ruth and hear all her tea.
I want Henry to travel and to be happy.
I want to just breathe. Not box breathing but regular.
I want it to be March and not January.
I want to be able to shove aside anxiety, which isn't even anxiety but straight up dread and panic. I'm in fight or flight all the time now and that's not healthy or normal. I want to be carefree and capable and not helpless or unsure. I want to be efficient and productive.
I feel like I'm in quicksand and it's already up to my shoulders. Maybe my neck.
The dark doesn't help. Maybe it doesn't hurt? Maybe I can hide my wide-eyed panic, cloak my tears, muffle my sobs in the night. Maybe I can pretend I'm tough all the while you're looking right through me.