Untethered.

 7:56/4:44

 We've reached a whole new level of stress over here and I don't want to talk about it. 

I want to look forward to the Olympics and spring.

I want to decorate for Easter maybe and host a dinner.  

I want to hang out with Ruth and hear all her tea.

I want Henry to travel and to be happy.

I want to just breathe. Not box breathing but regular. 

I want it to be March and not January. 

I want to be able to shove aside anxiety, which isn't even anxiety but straight up dread and panic. I'm in fight or flight all the time now and that's not healthy or normal. I want to be carefree and capable and not helpless or unsure. I want to be efficient and productive. 

I feel like I'm in quicksand and it's already up to my shoulders. Maybe my neck. 

The dark doesn't help. Maybe it doesn't hurt? Maybe I can hide my wide-eyed panic, cloak my tears, muffle my sobs in the night. Maybe I can pretend I'm tough all the while you're looking right through me. 

Five golden rings.

 8:01/4:34 but my God this RAIN. 

It just won't stop. 

 On the upside, I'm watching the Canadian National Figure Skating Championships. Starting with the best part, the free dance and I'll work my way backwards to the Men's program and then I'll be prepared for the! Olympics! Winter! Ones! Finally! Eeeeeeeeeeee! So excited even though the time zones will be a mess. CBC always has good programming and I got it all set up and bookmarked and have the app and I'm ready to cheer like I'm there. 

I'm still getting used to the change in allowing songs with LYRICS in the free dance program which still seems odd but also it works so well and I'm really excited to tune out current events for a bit, let me tell you. Sure it's a privilege to be able to do so but also it's a NECESSITY as I am fragile, don't you know?

Anyway these days I like every last sport in the winter, all of them. I can't wait. 

 

Flesh wounds.

Sunrise 8:03, Sunset 4:29 and just like that in less than a week we've gained almost ten whole minutes more of daylight. Wake me up when it's 6:00 and 8:30 if you please, I am hibernating with the winter animals, but not here because it's never cold enough, even though it was cold enough that with the frost this morning and the freezing rain last night I walked outside, gingerly made my way down the slippery back steps only to promptly wipe out at the bottom on the wooden deck, as if I have ventured into the new and surprisingly difficult career of slapstick comedy. 

I've done a little charming clowning in my day, let me tell you but I was never good enough, nor was Lochlan confident enough for me to engage in anything truly dangerous on my tightrope. We left that to the stronger older men with solid life insurance policies. What did we know? We were two broke kids on the run. 

I still value my bones, Lochlan still blamed himself for me falling (I shouldn't have let you come outside) and I still miss the complicated and absolutely simple life we had in the show. Times have changed. Now I yell at Google to do stupid shit like read me the weather or turn on various lights and music around the house, I miss my kids like a deep ache that's a whole different kind of grief (they're here, they're just grown up and I can't park them in front of a Pixar movie with grilled cheese sandwiches and just admire them anymore, well maybe I could- I'll have to ask) and the bills always grow. We are prudent with money, don't get me wrong. It's nice not to have to be so hungry that I resort to stealing but it would also be nice if utilities and phone bills and grocery costs stop rising for everyone, wouldn't it? 

In any case I've been ushered back inside with my wounded pride bruised and humiliated (the boys never fall, slip or are otherwise unsteady except for Ben and even he could manage the stupid icy patio) and am now safely in my brightly lit kitchen sipping hot chocolate and eating oatmeal with a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar on top. I think today will be even slower than usual and I say that as someone who woke up on Monday with the full-on flu, throwing up and chills and general pain that sent me back to bed. I never had a very strong constitution even though I'm sturdy and energetic. I get sick a lot.

I will be wearing masks for the remainder of my life again in public, mostly for germs but also conveniently so no one sees me fall and knows its me. The subsequent sympathy is exhausting. 

I'm fine. 

"You keep dancing with the Devil, one day he's going to follow you home."

We did not watch The Hobbit and instead watched the new Fantastic Four and Sinners. I hated F4 (not a Marvel girlie) but Sinners was SO GOOD omg. If only every movie was that well-paced and featured an Irish jig, a full rendition of Rocky Road to Dublin right in the middle of a straight-up vampire flick.

Stunned, we were. 

If you think about it hard enough everything is a straight-up vampire flick, whether it be bloodthirsty interactions or energy suckers. We are horrified because we need to be and we can use different tools to change our luck. I don't know, it's Friday and I not only caught up on all my chores but the boys decided we should do a huge grocery run and so we did and now I don't have to fight to do it next week when no one wants to go and things are super post-holiday busy.

Sunrise at 8:05am and sunset at 4:22pm indicate that the days are still very short indeed. A little snow threatens on the horizon and the ocean has that flat but roiling January grey that renders it so unremarkable it's almost sad. My favourite ocean is the breezy dark teal of fall with crisp whitecaps under a stiff wind. It's delicious. Like human blood. 

It all comes back around. Like another winter. Another intense scrutiny of our ratio of hours in the day to daylight itself. Another attempt to hole up in our theater room and wait it out watching as much as we can consume. We have corn chips and queso and cans of pop and chocolate too. We have provisions for the long cold winter. We have gas in all the trucks and have learned our new neighbors names. We have plans for the future. We may leave the point. Forever home? Ha. Too many rooms. Too many stairs. Too many freezers and butlers pantries and ridiculous space that we don't need. 

 I'd like to simplify my life. I'd like to scale down a little. I'm finding it rather jarring that my children are full-on adults, and they don't need me. Well, I still love to cook their favourite dinners for them but outwardly they don't 'need' me and the boys are routine-bound and we're all getting older so maybe going back to writing every day will remind you that I'm human too. I go through stages and periods of difficulty and I decided I need to write again if nothing else because nothing's working. 

But I'm also dealing with some health things and a lot of emotional things and heck, may as well share the load so I don't have to bear the weight all the time. 

We bought spaghetti in record quantities though. Trust me, it helps.