And I'm not seized in desperation
No steel reproaches on the table from before
But I still can feel those splinters of ice
I look through the eyes of a stranger
For rumours in the wake of such a lonely crowd
Trading in my shelter for danger
I'm changing my name just as the sun goes down
In the eyes of a stranger
I was eleven when this song came out. It's my favourite Duran Duran song, only edging out Lonely in Your Nightmare by a note or two, in all honesty, and I always looked forward to becoming an adult so that I would understand the words. Or what they mean.
I still don't.
Maybe the I'm still chasing after rainbows part. I get that. I don't know if that's what they meant but I get it.
Hopefully right now I am between episodes of 'emotional torment'. Maybe that's a kind way to put it. Lot of people have been to talk to me. They're worried it's worse than they think. The boys are even more worried that I go from joking about Duran Duran songs on the internet to crying so hard I can't breathe.
Oh, well, welcome. It veered a little too far into the psychotic lane this week though and that was scary because I didn't even recognize my own brain at that point and I usually can predict what the little fucker is going to do. All I know is one minute I was lying on the swinging bed in August's loft, enjoying the perfect quiet, perfect temperature, perfect lighting, perfect foreplay while he kissed along the inside of my knees and then I looked at him and he wasn't August anymore.
And I couldn't get him to switch back. Usually it stops in a minute, or at least when August says something or I blink but this time it wouldn't stop and so I told Jake I needed something at home and I'd be right back and I came home and hid under the covers and told them I was tired and no one believed me and August was here twice ratting me out and pointing out the strange behaviour but when he walked in and I looked at him Jake was still there instead only it actually was Jake and I lost it again and he's standing there just like Jake talking about me and my behaviour and I am hyperventilating and none of them are noticing and then I fell asleep (drugged) shaking like a leaf and then I woke up and I couldn't figure anything out.
Then more drugs. As always. Drugs will fix it. Drugs will make her act less scary. Drugs will make her too slow to run and too mute to scream and too weak to fight us off and fuck the fucking ghosts anyway, right?
I am blessed with a high metabolism for drugs though and my body fights those too, just into a dull background river of absolute pink noise and mild irritation at not being able to concentrate. Words are harder to find. To arrange. Ghosts get hard to see again. No one buys my explanations (all lies anyway) and all of them wonder at what point we need to switch to professionals at all hours.
Never, he says, and I watch his curls fix in defiance. If you had all left her alone in the beginning none of this would have happened.
We can't go back. Even the devil has regrets. He'll never get alone time now. Not with this level of medication where I can't feel pain but I can feel my heartbeat in my own fingerprint whorls.
I laugh and they look at me, alarmed and then look back to each other.
He should be gone. We got rid of him.
She keeps him here.
Where?
All around.
We need to fix this. This gets harder every year.
She can't move forward. She doesn't have the capacity. There's no emotional maturity to draw from.
(I wonder why, Caleb? Why is she ten years old? Because that's where time stopped for her and all of this is just a book she reads over and over.)
It's not going to get better. You all know this. This is the deal. This is where we're at, thanks to you and to Jake. This is it. Find a way to live with it that doesn't involve drugging her out of her fucking mind twice, since you know I've already done it, just to navigate a holiday.
I can't listen to her scream.
Me neither.
I laugh again, pointing out if I had screamed the first time I was told not too, this probably wouldn't be happening right now and Caleb gets up and slams out the front door.