I woke up breathless, in panic. I can't breathe, can't get enough air, can't quiet my racing heart with both hands pressed against my chest as hard as I can until the ache begins in my right hand and I have to rest it down.
In my dream it was so hot and I was feverish and in ruin. Jacob was sitting beside the bed, trying to smooth my bangs back and failing and he would chuckle gently every so often and sometimes he would pray, brimstone and flames all around and sometimes he just sat back with his eyes closed and I could study his face for as long as I wanted with no one there to check me in my guilt. Sometimes I slept and then I felt slightly better, fever breaking along with the dawn.
Lochlan asks what I need and I try to shove him away with my bad hand, hearing the bones crack and slide like they're not supposed to but it's the least of my problems right now.
Ben is on his feet. Lights are on suddenly and they are pulling on shirts and jeans. I can hear steps coming up the stairs and down the hall and then the door is open and there's more lights and then flashing ones and I don't know who to listen to first and then there is a mask over my face and air blowing into my nose and I try and focus on that and a pinch in my arm and then they let go, pulling the band off, letting the fake euphoria flow into my veins to chase away everything else. Reason, sadness and dread grab their shit and run out the fucking door and I turn over on my cloud, curling up into a ball to sleep. A sleep that would last, unbroken, for the remains of the day.