I found what I was looking for. One tattered caveat that states that if I see the landslide coming from far off I can overrule everything.
And it's here.
When I think about changes I want in my life this is not one of them and I am not a willing participant to this extreme method of dealing with my special brand of trauma. At this point things are too far gone. It's not as simple as Everett thinks it should be (or Lochlan wants it to be). It isn't something I'm willing to entertain anymore. It's just not.
And it's fine if it's a further symptom of all of this. It's fine if it isn't okay and I've made my peace with it and mostly they have too now. And somehow every time things try and get fixed that is the elephant in the room that everyone goes after, instead of the ghost.
I won't let go of him either, truth be told. Not anymore, though I would like to figure out a way to keep him from just magically appearing. The worse things get in my head the more he does it and that is how I know things are bad. And I do know why they are so bad but I also think this is a special case and turning trauma into tragedy doesn't work for me.
They'll agree, for a time. I am really high-functioning, after all. Maybe a little too high and so it's alarming when it slides sideways, out of the blue. I am the impending natural disaster all the time. You think you're prepared until it happens and then you panic.
Bless all of them. I love them so much. And I think in my case, in particular, the ways I have learned to cope with things I can't control is through love and that's the best possible outcome right now.
We had a meeting last night. I laid all of this out to be inspected and considered. I pointed out the obvious pitfalls, traps and the fallacy of safety. I pointed out roles, rules and regrets and reminded them all of time being the one thing here that we can't control and also the only thing that proves my point.
It's been so long. So, so long now.
And so I am there last evening subjugating the entire army and no one could argue with me anymore. They're not going to push so hard after this week. Their attempts to find me some peace and Ben's attempts to kindheartedly repay me for something he doesn't need to backfired gently enough that we missed the sound. I have no blame for anyone. Lochlan has been trying since I was eleven to fix this and he's tried just about everything and then some more but this is a grievous, colossal, complicated part of me now that is too protracted to fix and the deal was comfort at all costs while I live out the rest of my miserable but beautiful existence at his (the Devil's) expense. It can't be fixed. It can't be helped, cured or driven out. I'm not possessed in that way, just in every other way.
I'm not flexible on this, the way I am on virtually everything else.
I will not negotiate the terms of my very existence and I won't suffer any further heartbreak under rules that I made, and I now remind them that if anyone doesn't agree based on what I've laid out that they are free to go, but oh I will miss them.
But if they can't live peacefully with these decisions then the door is there.
I would miss them so terribly, though, and it wouldn't be fair at all and to that end they also can remain here and live in this odd comfort, this brotherhood. My army.
And no one moved. Not a soul. I stood back and watched as the wall fell on them, blocking any escape, covering us all in the weight of the past and we grabbed for each other's hands and just held on.