Outwardly Caleb would move heaven and earth to see that I have what I need, that I'm comfortable in my skin, that I want for absolutely nothing. That I get what I need to feel better lest I feel like this forever. He will pay anything, go anywhere, agree with almost any plan, if it's a good one.
But he also hates every second of it because he knows it begins a countdown of sorts and that he will disappear when the timer reaches zero, when his luck runs out, when the tides turn and never go back to the constant back and forth of right now, eroding my resolves only to build them back up later in the day. Sunrise and sunset are a mark on the calendar toward a time he actively loathes.
Even though it is by design and he never meant to be here right now. Never meant to stick around. Never planned to fight for such a share as this. Never planned to hate the thought of leaving. Never planned to show his face again after making sure I was set for life until Jacob gave him the perfect opportunity to wade back in, to change everything and make the perfect life for the perfect army. Caleb made an open offer to show his remorse and I picked the beneficiaries and now I have that perfect life and he's still here and I'm still struggling so hard and Jacob didn't do anything, truth be told, save for that one tragedy and if I wasn't the way I am I could have dealt with it and moved on.
The problem is, I can't move on. And with very specific reasons I am still here, still like this, still ruined beyond belief.
I am always hopeful, though but now I know for a fact that I'm not going to let Caleb go.
And of course that's one of the first things Everett wants to address.
And it's funny because everyone always goes into these grand plans to help me stop seeing my ghosts and the people who oversee those grand plans always want me to stop seeing my monsters.
In any case, I wrapped my arms around Caleb's neck last night and slept like a goddamned child. I'm keeping this monster. I don't care what anyone else wants.