I am beautifully recentered this morning and well aware that Caleb's reassurance sought is merely an act, in that he pretends that I wield the power in our relationship because it's prettier than the knowledge that he is the captor, and I am his victim, for all eternity. That we skew it so it isn't awful at all and maybe that's better than the alternative. I love him and I shouldn't, but I do. Accepting that removes a huge weight from all of our shoulders and God and everyone else knows he has worked hard and shown face to outcome our past instead of hiding from it.
Last night Lochlan and I were detailing a list of everything we love about summer. It's only the end of May. The most exciting season is incoming, like a freight train. Now, don't get me wrong, my favorite season is fall, but for completely different reasons. Summer is lucrative and opportunistic. Fall is quiet and cool, still and dim. Fall is cozy and handknit and colorful. Fall is the last breath of nature before winter shuts the whole thing down.
But summer has it's own perks. So here's my top ten little things I love about it.
1. The lights. Amusement lights, patio lights, dock lights, fireflies. I like them all.
2. Fireworks.
3. Sand on the bottoms of my feet.
4. Campfires/bonfires/fire-pits, barbecues. I'm not picky. Light it up.
5. Coming inside for a warm shower after an icy swim.
6. Fresh dry beach towels.
7. Eating outside (I love it so much they put glass over the whole pergola and installed more outdoor heaters so I can do it all year around but there's something amazing about a plate of toast with jam down in the orchard.
8. BUGS. They don't scare me anymore. I have butterfly friends and snails everywhere and sometimes more ominous crawlies but that's okay too.
9. Stars. We're closer to them in the summer and I will never forget the nights we slept in the back of the pickup truck or on top of the camper and Lochlan taught me all the constellations and I fell asleep with them (and him) watching over me.
10. Boys. Without shirts but with lots of tattoos. Preachers in short sleeves with collars on Sunday. Man buns. Bare feet. Skin. Sundresses without underclothes. Laundry on the line. Maybe that's eight things instead of one but I put it all in the same category.
I don't want for much. Just lights, magic and skies. Some spiders and clean towels. A book of matches and a kind word or an arm to curl up in. Lochlan's top ten was virtually the same, save for number 10.
His last one was seeing my hair in the sun. He said it shines like a beacon in the night.
So lights. I need something different, I tell him and he thinks for a moment.
Watching you eat carnival food, he says with a laugh. Best thing ever. Though sundresses without underthings is up there too.