The unmistakable sound as Sam said my name, calling me back into covenant, bathing me in the light of Jesus before I even set foot in the church. When we arrived I (all but eight years old here, as ever) took off to visit with the overly-friendly chickadees that enjoy my pockets full of sunflower seeds stocked on purpose for them now on days when I go to church. For once it's not cold and pouring rain but based on the general state of spring here in the rainforest, Sam is keeping church indoors to save himself the liability of someone slipping on the rocks. Our own steps at home are dipped in green and murderous with moss. You would think it would be great since it looks so incredible but it's simply nature's deathtrap, a fight back against building inorganic shapes in an organic setting.
Caleb has graciously deferred and I let him. Now isn't a good time. We'll host a family dinner with cake and speeches but a private birthday date is off the books for the time being. He's not short on basic affection but I'm trying to hold myself together here and the boys are still skittish about his teeth and based on everything and nothing lately we're just going to maybe wait until later in the spring. He is concerned that he'll end up as Batman has, being pushed off indefinitely.
I gave up Batman the same week I gave up haircuts, and it has indeed been over a year. My hair is almost halfway down my back and I don't have the complication of yet another man to muck up all the things that seem to be going to well right now.
I can skirt around the hole. I can pretend I don't see the ghosts. I can appreciate and be so grateful for this one fiery soul who lays it all on the line, handing me his flaming heart, expecting so little in return.
So little that I gave him everything and exposed myself to him. He kissed every last bee in turn and pulled me in against him, not letting go until the dark faded back into the light. He's bit his lip and let me fumble, let me try and make decisions and let me learn and grow and figure it out and I love him for it. It would have been easier and safer for both of us had he just been heavy-handed and succinct but that's not who he is.
And I feel like I've grown. As messy as this is, with my heart handing off small pieces to break and share, a reluctant communion, my blood pounding through the veins of everyone here on the point or so it sometimes seems, with the offers to give it all up and hope for the best or lay it all out and see if it works he is cautious but open. I've never been able to figure this part of it out but he asked once if I remember the saying if you love something set it free.
You came back, he said. We've had this conversation before, Peanut.
Because I'm yours, I remind him without reservation.
Because you're mine, he repeats with a smile.
Caleb has graciously deferred and I let him. Now isn't a good time. We'll host a family dinner with cake and speeches but a private birthday date is off the books for the time being. He's not short on basic affection but I'm trying to hold myself together here and the boys are still skittish about his teeth and based on everything and nothing lately we're just going to maybe wait until later in the spring. He is concerned that he'll end up as Batman has, being pushed off indefinitely.
I gave up Batman the same week I gave up haircuts, and it has indeed been over a year. My hair is almost halfway down my back and I don't have the complication of yet another man to muck up all the things that seem to be going to well right now.
I can skirt around the hole. I can pretend I don't see the ghosts. I can appreciate and be so grateful for this one fiery soul who lays it all on the line, handing me his flaming heart, expecting so little in return.
So little that I gave him everything and exposed myself to him. He kissed every last bee in turn and pulled me in against him, not letting go until the dark faded back into the light. He's bit his lip and let me fumble, let me try and make decisions and let me learn and grow and figure it out and I love him for it. It would have been easier and safer for both of us had he just been heavy-handed and succinct but that's not who he is.
And I feel like I've grown. As messy as this is, with my heart handing off small pieces to break and share, a reluctant communion, my blood pounding through the veins of everyone here on the point or so it sometimes seems, with the offers to give it all up and hope for the best or lay it all out and see if it works he is cautious but open. I've never been able to figure this part of it out but he asked once if I remember the saying if you love something set it free.
You came back, he said. We've had this conversation before, Peanut.
Because I'm yours, I remind him without reservation.
Because you're mine, he repeats with a smile.