Deep breath. Open eyes. Nine years and I'm still doing it. I'm still going, Jake.
Deep breath. Try and keep some coffee down.
Deep breath. Church. Every time Sam looked at me I could feel the lump in my throat growing.
Deep breath. Lunch out at the greasy diner. We sat in random booths and filled the whole place. Batman paid for everything. Yes, I ate.
Deep breath. The drive home. Lochlan holds my hand.
Deep breath. Look at garage the whole time he's parking the truck. Don't go inside.
Deep breath. Take PJ's pity-hugs without absorbing them, for self-preservation.
Deep breath. Plan the afternoon. A movie. Maybe a walk in the rain. Maybe a run to see if I can leave the screams inside my brain far behind me. Maybe just a cuddle by the fire.
Deep breath. Didn't do anything. It's raining and dark. So dark. I set all the clocks back last night, and as many watches as I saw. And the house alarm and the trucks.
Deep breath. Day's almost over and then I have tomorrow and then I'm in the clear. Birthday tomorrow. He would have been forty-six. Somehow the after is more easy to navigate than the during. I'll get through it. I'm tough. Tough and raw. Tough and pillowy-weak. A mess.
Deep breath. Every time I take one I bump into someone. I have no personal space. I wouldn't want it but I also need to take that breath soon.
Deep breath. Thank you for shifting an inch to the left, Ben.
Deep breath. I can sleep now.
Deep breath. It's not so bad. It's been so long. It's going to get better. This is fate. This is history. This is the future in which things that happen shape who you become and maybe I'm better than I was. Maybe I'm worse. But at least I'm taking my knocks and trying my hardest. At least I stayed for the character. At least I remained a freak. At least I have the other freaks now, and they keep a circle around me. Not to keep out evil, but to keep in everything else.
At least I can take a deep breath.
