Licking every drop of poison off a pocket of keysI'm pushing Sam's buttons this morning, playing as much provocative music in the sanctuary as I can get away with. Sometimes he's not paying attention to the lyrics, other times he is keenly aware and this pained expression will cross his face but it's errant, distracted. He shakes his head to get his hair out of his eyes and then he'll say my name sharply. He's actually pretty cranky for a Sam. He's getting this viral flu/cold thing I think.
While some daddy's little angel's getting dirt on her knees
When the Sun goes down, the filth run free
You'll never find a finer specimen of filth than me
I don't want this, I just need this to carry on
I got the white line fever and an appetite for sin
If there's a black hole headed for Hell
Then, baby, count me in
I sold my soul so long ago
A bullet in the chamber with nowhere to go
If there's a black hole headed for Hell
Then, baby, count me in
No, I'm just a bit out of sorts.
How do we get you into sorts again? What do you need, Sam?
He sits back, drops his binders on the floor and stares at me for a moment and then he gets up and leaves the office. I watch him go down the hall through the window and then the music is gone and he comes back.
I couldn't hear myself think.
That's usually the goal of putting it on that loud.
He stares at me again. Seriously? I didn't think you were literal.
Oh, I'm always literal. That's why I play music so loud.
I thought it was your hearing, that you needed it loud.
I do need it loud, like I said, but not for that.
Fuck it, Bridge, if you're just going to talk me into circles maybe I should run you back down to the house.
That stung and I pointed out carefully that it's lunchtime so that's a good idea. I'll call ahead and PJ can have something ready so we can eat something. I'm thinking Sam is just peakish from being on the go.
But when we got home, he pulled up in front (his usual parking spot is up higher by the barn) by the door and waited as I got out. Then he drove away, leaving me standing there in surprise.
Geez.
I went in and PJ said that Sam messaged him and said he didn't mean to be harsh but that there was no reason to subject me to his mood today and maybe Lochlan should check with him before just dropping me off without warning. PJ said it was fine, that tonight things will be better and that he would take control of the package for the afternoon.
Except..well, just...no. I don't work like that. I grabbed my keys and went right back out the door, got in my car and went back to the church.
The fuck, Sam. If you have an issue you share it. That's the deal.
I already did. He's got the heels of his hands over his eyes like he has a headache. He's holding together by a thread here.
Call your backup. We're both actually going home this time. I'll call the boys to come and get your car.
I have work to do, Bridget. I can't just work when I feel like it.
Oh, yes you can.
I have bills.
I'll have them paid.
Bridget-
When you have a problem YOU ASK FOR HELP. Remember?
He stares at me tearily. I can't have help with this. Sometimes it just flares up like a bad rash and then it goes away again.
Loneliness.
Yes.
I shake my head to the right, once like I didn't hear his answer but he's still nodding when I meet his eyes.
I'll talk to Loch. I say it softly.
Don't. He doesn't like me much as it is.
He loves you, Sam.
Not when it comes to you.
You saved my life. He owes a huge debt to you. Let me worry about him.
Bridget, I'm going to tell you this once and if you can't obey my wishes things will drastically change. Don't ask him for anything. Just don't.
Stung again. Sam's a veritable bee's nest today and I'm...I don't even know what I am. I want Sam to be happy and content. That's all.
Fine. I choke it out and match his eyes for tears.
But thank you. He smiles for a brief second and it's enough. I throw myself at him for a full-body hug and I get it and he doesn't let go fast like he normally does. He just holds on forever. This is what he needs and I dropped the ball. This is all anyone seems to need and I'll give it willingly.
Finally he lets go and I realize I can breathe again.
Already better. Thank you. He smiles. Look. I need an hour to get some calls made and then let's find some lunch and head home early. Maybe we can watch a movie.
Only if we can have a fire too. It's cold. Maybe hot chocolate.
We can do that. And he looks hopeful for the first time all day.