This morning I was woken up the same way he always used to wake me up back when life was all magic, no clocks.
By staring at me.
Watching me sleep. Viewing my dreams like a movie. Probably trying not to laugh because I snore when I'm stuffed up and I'm so stuffed up this morning and so worn out, jammed against Ben's chest, cool and safe, his arm down around me, his hand cradled under my head. My cheek is warm and stuck to the palm of his hand so when I raise my head up I look like I've been slapped.
Breakfast outside? Lochlan leans back so I can look out the window and see the sun reflecting on the water. No wind. Twelve degrees. Spring.
Yeah. Okay.
Ben does not get up. Ben would sleep until dinner if we would only let him but I'll come back for him later and make him have breakfast outside too.
We take coffee and toast outside on the back step and sit down, plates on laps. We eat quietly. When I'm done I just sit and stare at the waves. Lochlan takes both plates, stacking them on the steps beside us and then he takes my hand and kisses the back of it.
What do you want to do today?
Drink coffee. Draw. Have a walk on the beach. Maybe see a show tonight?
What's playing?
No, I meant maybe you could do a show, if the wind holds off.
I could do that. He doesn't look so sure.
But I don't deserve it. Right?
What are you talking about?
I moved us back here. I took the proposal. You didn't want me to do that and you've been angry ever since.
Bridget-
I do everything you don't want me to do. But you know what? I weighed the odds. I listed out the pros and cons and it's not as if I can just push him out of our lives. I have to see him every second or third day anyway and this works, you know? I like it here with everyone and I-
Bridget.
What?
Stop it. I'm...disappointed I guess but I'm going to put my daughter and my love before my own feelings. I mean, if people want to say I sold out then that's fine. I'll have to bear that but his proposal was more of a tender to apply to stay in your life at any cost and everyone benefits from it, him least of all.
I could have refused.
How? Bridget, the one mistake you've ever made in your life was in giving him an heir.
Then surprisingly Lochlan was the one who looked as if he had been slapped because without thinking I reflexively reached out and slapped him for absolutely not saying that Henry was a mistake. My head knows better than that.
Oh my God. I'm sorry, Loch.
I should have said it differently. You know I love Henry. I just wish he was mine. I wish he was ANYONE else's and we could leave Caleb behind instead of carrying him. His weight burdens you. Everything just serves to keep us in the past.
That's where the magic was. Right beside all the bad things.
No, Jesus, Bridget, magic is fully portable. We brought it here.
Prove it. I try to touch his face but he pulls back.
I've been trying forever but half the time you don't see it anymore. And I never had the guts to rescue you. I let you down so bad I don't think I deserve any of this room you've given me in your life. You don't understand the gift you have given me, the gift you are.
The slapping girl. Woo. Lucky guy.
Heh. Yeah. Stop doing that.
I'm sorry! Here, just slap me back and then we'll be even.
I think I'll pass. Everyone already thinks I'm an asshole.
Who?
The universe. You write the worst moments of my life down.
And the best too.
No. Not even close.
What did I miss?
Everything, Bridget. Jesus, everything. You have no concept of my perspective on things. Moments I think you were maybe almost too young to remember or maybe just too...damaged to retain after all this time. I don't know. And I can't take a stand because I don't want to drive you away and...maybe we should change the subject. I'll try harder. I'll not withdraw when you need me. God. I don't even know how you slipped right through my fingers when I had everything a man could want.
Bad things change people, Loch.
That isn't fair! They shouldn't have this much power. HE shouldn't have this much power.
Can we change the subject back to coffee and long walks on the beach now then?
He laughed. But there were tears too. Not big ones, just the quiet almost-tears that you have to know him to catch at all. You want a show tonight, I'll do one for you, Peanut. I'd do anything for you. I just hope you see that. I'm not here because it's easy living. Hell, it would have been easier to stay away. But I couldn't anymore. Do you understand that? I can't.
We're not good apart. I echo the words he said to me when he held me in the ruined camper after everything changed.
No, we're not good apart. He repeats and he knows exactly where I am in my head. Leave it there, Bridget. Come back to me here. Let's stay near the good parts of the story.
I'm trying but I keep messing everything up.
I know. Me too.
