I tiptoe into the room where Ben is sitting on a low armless chair, headphones firmly in place. He is playing because I can see his arms moving but I can't hear anything. He is facing away from the door.
I lean against the wall and wait. I haven't thought this through. I want to be careful. I look down at my toes. Sky blue polish. Glitter. I frown to myself. It's more suited to Ruth only I'm the one who still feels twelve. When I look up again Ben is watching me. He has twisted around and pulled off his headphones and he laughs and asks Why the sad face? Could you hear the song?
No, I tell him, I can't hear anything. I was just thinking.
He puts the guitar down and comes over to the door. Great. Now I'm intimidated by his attention. He's looming over me so I duck around him and go and perch on the chair he was just on. It will force him to sit on the floor. We're at eye-level.
What about? Have you decided what you want to do tonight?
No.
I have some ideas. He smiles at me but I remain determined.
Did you have something to do with Lochlan's trip?
Yes, he says, waiting for the next question. I'm surprised into silence for a moment. I figured Ben would say Of course not and pretend everything was just fine.
Why?
Simple. It's our anniversary, not his. I wanted to spend it alone with you.
But Caleb-
Today. I meant today. Last night doesn't count as our anniversary, does it?
No but-
Bridget, just say it. Look, I know you didn't like the way last night turned out but-
You have regrets. About us.
Is that a question or a statement?
Both, I whisper.
Yes and no.
My turn to wait for him to talk. We've worked very hard on listening to each other. It's obvious.
I don't regret anything we have done but I regret how I've behaved, Bridget.
I keep listening.
I regret that I didn't set limits in the beginning. Because I don't think I want Loch this close to you.
He isn't close. He's very far away right now.
Yes and you're miserable.
I'm sorry.
Don't be. If I thought you could help it I would take that apology and expect things to change but Caleb's right. Loch is...He's your other half.
I shake my head and my eyes begin to well up but Ben is immune.
If I wanted to be with him I would. I'm not. I'm with you.
You're with him, Bridget. I don't know if I'm a novelty or revenge but you're with him. Always have been, as far as I can tell.
I spin away from him in the chair so I am facing the door. So I can look anywhere but at Ben's face. He takes the chair and turns it back.
I'm fixing it, Bridget. I think I know how to fix things.
Is there a hit out on him?
What? No. Jesus. I don't function like that. If I wanted to kill Loch I would sneeze and he'd fly off the edge of the cliff. Featherweight.
Then how do you fix things?
I set limits. I make rules.
On how you'll interact with him?
No, on how YOU will interact with him. New limits for you. To keep you in line.
To keep me in line. I'm repeating him slightly disbelievingly. Everything coming out of his mouth is something I have heard before.
Caleb-
Yes, he's been helping me a lot. He knows you best.
No, he doesn't-
After Lochlan, of course. But how do you approach your adversary and ask him to teach you how to make him go away.
I thought you loved Lochlan.
Oh, I do, Bridget. But he's non-reciprocal and I finally realized that he is simply waiting me out. He doesn't care about me. I don't think he cares about Ruth. The only thing he sees is you.
That pisses me off. First of all, he's a good father. Not like he's had a lot of time to absorb all of this. And second, I have no intentions of being with him exclusively.
The ring.
Was a gift.
It's a band, Bridget. Do I look that stupid?
This was YOUR idea. The commitment ceremony, the sharing. All of it came from you. I asked for none of this. I didn't ask for last night either. Caleb-
MY MISTAKE, Bridget. I screwed up. I was fine with it until I started watching the two of you and I realized I was on the outside the whole FUCKING TIME. Maybe last night was retribution against both Lochlan and myself. Maybe I'm just punishing myself.
But you're NOT on the outside. Lochlan is. He's the one that's not here.
And right now, sorry, honey, but neither are you. Your heart went with him. And somehow I don't think it's coming back.
I get up. I'm not going to do this today. I cross my arms and rock myself. I didn't come in here to fight with you about Lochlan. Or talk about last night.
Liar. He says it softly.
You should talk, I whisper. Looking to the devil for advice, Ben. How could you do that again?
Caleb still has complete control over you. That tells me all I need to know. I watched you. I SAW him order you to do things last night and you didn't even hesitate.
But he doesn't-
You're here aren't you? He told you to ask me about Lochlan and HERE YOU ARE. If that isn't control then I don't know what is. Jesus, I'm in third place after all. It's worse than I thought.
But you're NOT!
I had hoped I wasn't but your behavior tells me different. He pulls me down onto his knees abruptly, pinning my wrists at my sides, forcing my attention. I asked you to tell me if I was a sitting duck but you're not being forthcoming. I am shaking now and he just holds tighter. How do I get that control, Bridget? How do I get you to follow my lead the same way they do? Huh?
The tears multiply until they begin to drop over my lids and soon the rivers down my cheeks have begun in earnest. Ben is horrified suddenly and he drops my wrists and throws his arms around me. He sits back on the floor and begins to rock. I am holding on for dear life. He pulls back and wipes his thumbs across my cheeks. He's saying Shhhhh. I look up into his eyes, breath hitching and I say Happy anniversary. Four years, Benny. Can you believe it?
Then, true to recent habit I push off him, stand up and walk out. I hear him throw the chair but I just keep going.
***
He finds me later, buried in a book, curled up on the couch, forgotten cup of tea next to me, determined to die a slow death of ennui in order to protect myself from a war with four sides. That is, if I get a say in my life. I don't think I do, however.
He gets down on his knees and puts his head on my legs. I start to shift and I hear him say Just stay like this, Bridget, please.
Bridget, please. So much of that lately. I should just draw and quarter myself and then everyone would be happy. The fourth piece would be all that's left and to that I would stake my claim and make my own decisions. But I give in, because I love Ben. I PICKED Ben.
I reach out and run my fingers down the side of his face. Let's do something tonight. Just the two of us. We need some alone time. You were right.
He looks up hesitantly. A little boy, hopeful and anticipatory. Look, I'm sorry about last night, I get carried away-
Onward and upward, Benjamin.
Oh, there's Zero's line again. You need your own catch phrases, little bee. But his mood has changed one hundred and eighty degrees and he looks relieved. We spend our days going out of our way to sabotage each other and then making up. It's a slow doom. Perhaps if he holds tight to my hand we can outrun it. My legs aren't long enough to go very fast but his, well, he's very tall.
And I'm not letting go.
He takes my hand in his and pulls it up to his mouth to kiss it and then he answers, as if I spoke out loud. I won't let you go. But then he gives me that smile again, the one that doesn't reflect in his eyes and I'm left wondering how much of his allegiance is mine and how much has returned to Caleb. Two against two.
(You're dreaming if you think this is a fair fight. It won't be fair at all. That's what last night was all about. Not being fair. I am a living warning now, meant to cause alarm. Or raise it, at the very least.)
