A little of everything, AKA nothing.

Inside of a week we went from endless rain and snow to rain and no snow and also an ever-present lingering threat of meaningful double-digit temperatures. Today was supposed to be twelve and it barely made it to eight, and we wore our coats on our lunchtime walk up the road and back again. I finally finished the mending pile, as I was angry about not being able to garden. Not quite yet. The snow's been gone for two whole days, Jesus. 

It's been twenty-four hours since my last meltdown. I fired a kiln full of porcelain goodies today. I plan to make it all pastel and pretty and simple instead of my usual over-complicated plans and glaze for days.  I feel as if this winter and spring is an existential crisis in full bloom and I keep thinking I'm through the worst and then I slide back to square one. 

Lochlan laughs at me in his rueful way. Always one-quarter disapproving and three-quarters encouragement, the whole part that I ignore and we argue about nothing and forget about the fight a minute later. I want to be a cowboy, thanks to Yellowstone but I want Costner's (sorry, John Dutton's) job of telling everyone what to do and being menacing but graceful, and spewing some cute little devastating quotes that stick in Bridget's head for days. We've assigned characters to everyone in the house and it's become hilarious here as we limp towards the end of Season four. 

Will we finish it? Who knows? I had to drop everything and watch the Gabby Petito edition of American Murder. Oh my God. Was Brian Laundry a forty-year-old loser or what? Yes I know he wasn't that old but what a weirdo. Like he wanted to be his own cult but his mommy issues were too great. His parents raised him in their image, I guess. If Henry killed someone I wouldn't help him dig a grave, JESUS ROBERTA. I would drag him down to the station myself. But let's be real, he would probably call me from there, because he does the right thing, which one should. I don't know. Call me a hypocrite if you will. I was up to some insane shit in my early twenties too, but not MURDER. 

Yeah so it's been a fun twenty four hours trying to act natural and even keeled and normal. You know me, those descriptors aren't even on my radar. I did some tax stuff. Ha. Only a little, don't worry. 

I did some spring cleaning. Also only a little. The older I get the more I realize my OCD and my anxiety are both leaps and bounds worse than I ever could have imagined but I'm also high-functioning about it, so there you go. 

I had a nice call today too from Batman, who said I should come over for hot chocolate tonight because while he was shopping he saw maple-flavoured marshmallows and bought some for us to have in our weekly hot talklot (which is what we call it). 

I'll let you know how they are tomorrow.

More fun less regular life.

 I'm visualizing being the luckiest girl on earth today, Manifesting good things into my life, letting my anxieties wash away in a torrent of heavy rain that has turned the ocean into a dull navy blue, a pre-spring grey field of fog and nothingness, a rare time of year in which I don't care how meaningfully the saltwater flows through my veins. It is Schrodinger's ocean today, neither here nor there. Neither alive nor dead. 

It'll be very much valuable tomorrow but today I am attempting to summon a level playing field in which I am evenly matched with my own mind and spirit instead of ridiculously underarmored. 

Will it work? Who knows? If maladaptive daydreaming saw me through the first forty years maybe this will work for the other forty, even though it's exhausting. I don't have a name for it but at least it doesn't have the obvious and overreaching flat stench of chemical calm. 

***

Good fortune finds me. Good things come to me. I have a skill in crafting a beautiful life. I am popular and people love me. I am strong. I am worthy BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

Jesus.

I am sick of myself. 

***

The rains need to wash away all the bad things. All the shitty memories, all the crap we've seen and done, all the crimes of the heart, all the dirt from the trucks, all the sand from the steps, all the chipped paint from around the side door where I so lovingly painted the trim only to pressure wash the siding and blow most of the paint right back off the wood. It's a losing battle on an exposed and harsh spot, however so no big deal. I'll be painting the whole door this spring anyway as I have a metric ton of front door paint left so my plan is to paint all of the exterior doors for fun. 

Painting isn't fun but changing up the house is fun. I repainted some of our feature walls already over the winter because they seemed dark. Now it almost all seems too bright. We bought some new pieces and let some things go. We're ending what doesn't work but worked because good enough. Rarely can you get me to change up good enough for really good but here I am doing it. Surprise. 

The rain is threatening to wash away dreams, roads and fingerprints at this point so I gotta go and make sure the kittens are all cozy and the hatches are battened down. Why this falls to me I will never know. 

The Mourner's Songbook and my grateful ears.

(Weird. I just put in my Google Authenticate number to log in to write and had a symbol at the end of the numbers by mistake and it let me in anyways. Should I be worried? Does Google know it's actually me in the same way it knows to say sorry when I tell it to stop being so fucking slow turning off the lights as I yell to it to do so? 

Probably. We aren't private. We don't get to have these perks and still retain our relative anonymity. Life doesn't work that way any more.)

Don't talk to me about tariffs, the super bowl or the weather. All three things are pissing me off and I'm trying to avoid it all. It's so dumb. It's like the whole universe has become People Magazine circa 1982 and we're breathlessly immersed in one-dimensional pop culture while all the while looking over our shoulder to see if the sky is falling. In the eighties I was terrified of the ozone layer, quicksand, lightning strikes, my own jealousy over the large and seemingly perfect backyards of children in television commercials in which they played with their RC cars and GI Joe vehicles, and the Chernenko/Gorbatchev threat from the East in the form of a cold war that seemed to be at our doorstep, or so the newsman liked to make it seem.

Fun times. It feels just like that in the air, right now. Like when you smell the chill that means fall is coming. Like rotten leaves, bone-chilling wind and helplessness. 

(I was terrified of far more than that, but for the sake of this entry we'll keep things light because it's a happy time or something.)

I finished Echo by Thomas Olde Heuvelt. I hated it. Well, I love-hated it. The scary parts were so scary, and the campy parts OH so campy. The pacing was all over the place but it's a masterpiece somehow and I will chaulk up my issues to the fact that it was translated into English and maybe that's the reason it was such a hard read. 

I'm thoroughly entrenched in Season two of Yellowstone and I hate every last character. Wes Bentley's habitual expression (is it Wes Bentley?) is killing me and at one point Kevin Costner's character was half into his girlfriend's pants and made a crack about being sixty-three and I was like...wait, what? And then I remembered that's how old Caleb is and I guess I get it now but also not. Thank God my cowboys are all ex-hockey players and I'm still marvelling every single scene at how Cole Hauser is a completely different animal from twenty years ago. And then last night one shot with one song made me think of Sons of Anarchy and I discovered one of the actors in that show is the creator of this show and it makes sense. 

My pop culture is a complete circle, apparently. And since people have asked, sure, I love Taylor Swift. Like LOVE her. I love the sad songs. The slow ones. She is a necessity for young women. When I was that age I had Jewel. I wore out multiple walkmans and Jewel's album on cassette (Pieces of You) became a part of me. Part escapism, part romance, heartbreak, loneliness, comfort, you name it, it was in that album. 

I just found out she's coming to Vancouver (well, Richmond, I think) to play at a casino in March. At least I think it's March. No one will want to take me so I probably won't go. I don't drive at night and I don't even like to go out alone unless I'm going to visit Ruth, so I will miss it but play the album all the way through to feel twenty-something again. I'm old enough now that it depends heavily on the venue, the time of year and how many fans are in the house before I can commit to shows. I've seen so many.

But speaking of amazing pop culture, Dobber Beverly (the drummer for Oceans of Slumber, who were here last year but I didn't get to see them and I still have regrets) just released a solo album and I think I may have died and this is what heaven actually sounds like. It's a rich, gorgeous tapestry of talent that is unparalleled in this modern time, and perhaps he's a time traveller. It's a respite from every last breath and I can't get enough of it. Headphones on all day. Don't bug me. I'm busy listening as hard as I can.

Bridget is afraid of her shadow so that means six more lifetimes of misery (or something).

I somehow skipped right over Robbie Burns Day and Groundhog day too. I no longer know what day it is, other than later than before, as it's light out when I get up and I love that. 

It's also light out until after I start supper and we all know I love that too, even though we're in a deep-freeze fugue state over here as of late. I don't know who's medicating me now but I love it. The walking twilight sleep (team Jacob, sorry, that's my own joke but it stays). I can't remember the other guy's name any more but it's not important. 

I took my earrings off and left them in the dish by the sink. Anything touching my ears gives me anxiety. I should learn.

I put on my heaviest winter coat and went down the highway to the grocery store, fully a quarter of the drive in four high. It's crappy out lately but I don't have to go anywhere for the next forty-eight hours and just get through the cold snap and then we're in the clear. 

I'm watching Yellowstone. I don't know if you remember but twenty years ago when 2 Fast 2 Furious came out and I spoke of my love/hate relationship with Cole Hauser and imagine my surprise when he's on this show and everyone's like Dammmmmmmnnnnnn he's so hot and I'm like, oh please, that's one of my fake movie boyfriends from a hundred years ago. So we're watching the new show and all I can think is what's happened to him? Why does he look so different? That can't be the same guy and then I realized it's been twenty years and we've both grown old. 

It figures. 

The show is good though. Very soapy. It's giving Try Hard. It's giving Dallas. Kevin Costner is almost eighty I think? Why does he never change? He was that old in Dances With Wolves and I still don't like him. I do love the character of Beth. You know she hurts a hell of a lot and she's taking everyone down with her. I wish I had seen this show twenty years ago. Things would be vastly different.

The bluest Monday (Awesome. Wow.)

It's eight in the morning and everyone has scattered already to the four corners. Duncan made a take out coffee run for at least ten of us. No one slept. Maybe it was something in the water. Or something in the air. Either way the third Monday in January is called the worst day of the year for mental health by a travel company who was trying to drum up business fifteen or so years ago. Before that we called it late January in fucking Canada and it was just as hard but now it can be hard with a side of guilt for not looking after your self and mental health by booking an expensive shitty tropical trip somewhere lame. 

If you love that kind of thing, enjoy. I am famous for not sitting still ever, so the thought of lying on a chair drinking overpriced methanol in the blazing destructive sunshine would be a form of torture to me. Built Different, as my shirt says today, but it's baby pink and the words are bubble-font with flowers and sparkles. 

The coffee is delicious (still black, though for my next trick I'm going to try the espresso over orange juice that I saw in a travel vlog where a British couple went to Chengdu to see the pandas and seemed so terribly unprepared but insanely flexible and wholesome at the same time. I actually worry about them but also travel vlogs while knitting are great since you can only watch Hamilton five or six times in a week before you begin to quote it nonstop and drive your loved ones mad. 

Of course if they can do it, I can do it so it's been added to my bucket list. Pandas in Chengdu. Not sure if it will happen because right now I'm OBSESSED with Chongqing videos and yet I know if I go there I will be lost forever because I'm so bad with directions I get lost trying to find my way out of bathrooms at movie theatres and on ferries and it would just be awful but at the same time the culture shock would be incredible. 

Also I'm currrently on a kick to make some dystopian fingerless gloves for all of us because they look so cool and are so practical so I have lots of work to do and will need lots of content to watch. I'm a Netflix whore forever but I stacked up Don't Move and Alice, Darling on the weekend already so two is lots. Don't Move had Finn Whitrock (he was amazing in American Horror Story) who was so good as a good bad guy, and the premise was terrifying. But also it was a bit convenient and the boat part was neat. But I prefer flat out slasher films and European spy movies to just straight up backwoods thrillers. This didn't have enough chase because duh, she was paralyzed. 

Alice, Darling was so well-acted I paused mid-movie to see if Anna Kendrick had won any awards for it but also it was weird in that her boyfriend's level of control was described very ambiguously and I was left thinking they played it a tiny bit safe but had they let the boyfriend slip any further the movie would have been a modern day Sleeping With the Enemy, which, well, nothing can touch. 

I had two packages of instant Cream of Wheat sprinkled with brown sugar with my coffee so my insides are warm too. It's not at all due to my Joe Fresh leggings because they are t-shirt weight or due to my WEST COAST sweatshirt from a pop-up shop at a farmer's market in a little town out in the valley. It's the coffee and the fuel and it's as close as I can get to grits here so good enough. 

Caleb laughed when I made my bowl and when I offered him one he hesitated just long enough so tomorrow I'm sure he'll join me and we'll finish the box and then I need to work on the last two boxes of instant oatmeal. Otherwise they will sit in the pantry until next winter because I only eat them when it's super cold out and it's -4 right now, -6 with the rare winds that keep blowing through. I kind of love it, since no one has to go out and it's cozy inside.  

I'm going to get all of my chores done fast so I can watch the American things happening below us. Best horror movie ever, frankly. I wish it didn't have so many sequels.

The Orchard Puppy Squad, established 2025.

It's going to rain. The air is so heavy I could take huge bites out of it on my way up from the beach this morning. Hot chocolate by the bonfire this morning for breakfast and we had some sea lions vying for our attention like big stupid dogs and it makes me laugh. Lochlan has a granola bar in his pocket for me and Caleb suggests I pick out names for the lions and we can begin a database. I don't know how I'll be able to tell them apart but I have names ready. 

Strawberry, Vanilla, Peach and Plum, I proclaim them, and Vanilla roars his approval before slipping off the rock back into the sea. Peach flaps his tail. He is white with huge grey splotches on his sides. Hard to forget. Strawberry and Plum continue their efforts to sleep and PJ laughs at my names. 

You hangry Peej?

No, just amused, Bee. 

Lochlan smirks so briefly all I see is the flash of a single dimple and then it's gone again. 

What if more come? 

Banana, Fig, Cosmic crisp and Grape, then. I can go all day. 

One specific kind of apple?

The BEST apple, Locket. 

This makes Ben laugh and then everyone is smiling. 

It's cold. 

Yeah, let's go up.

Fire men.

 Seems smart to make the title a wild double entendre, because that's the kind of day I'm having. You know when you crash into bed long after midnight but then somehow pull off a solid seven hour stretch of very high quality sleep because you're that tired? That's me today and I'm glad because it's been a weird week so far and it's hopefully going to get less weird but somehow I doubt it. 

Los Angeles is burning, emergency room doctors are angels in disguise and trucks suck but so do cars and suddenly everything is a fridge bought after 2015, stupidly poor quality until you get the right mix of parts replaced and then it's okay. So wish me luck? I guess, and yes I know I glossed over the big one here but I keep telling Caleb he should be happy he got out at the top of the market in Malibu because I think that house is gone now. Then I got mired in watching the Getty villa burning and thought it was the Hearst mansion but it isn't and I'm not good with sprawling geography so there you go. 

That wasn't the big one. We're all good. Again, love on your local Emergency room. They're out here doing the lord's work and getting abused for it.

 

Bye 2024 (*kicks entire year into the trash can*)

Okay, so. 

It wasn't a great time. 

The year began with a gradual decline and then a full-on death march. Grief followed, and then apathy followed grief, as always, like a small puppy looking for a pat on the head. 

(Except the puppy is gone now and I swear to God it hurt worse than when the Preacher flew to heaven and I think it was purely because of the time involved. Had I had sixteen whole years with Jake I swear I wouldn't be here right now but for my kids, who got me through the year in an incredible way but it still hurts and also I am ashamed because I'm supposed to be their cheerleader and it is far too soon for them to be mine.)

Apathy was followed by dread, which hung around and is still hanging around. And I am going to move and leave no forwarding address for it, no thanks. 

There are also many other things that I am attempting to deal with, that I can barely deal with and my Afib is just bouncing along like a white girl trying to dance to a beat and I need to breathe and I can't seem to. 

I promised myself a year of writing again after a year of a hundred false starts so here we are. Life begins for us again on Monday, including Henry, who was called back to work for a short contract that will hopefully be extended and his life will even out a little from half a year of uncertainty and much patience and worry on his part. 

My nose is running. 

Lochlan said I snored so loud last night he left for a while. Ha. 

The one thing I enjoyed most about the holiday was giving myself permission to not work myself to pieces, and just to let things slide a bit, or a lot, actually. We did have company and then some, and it was a wee bit crazy at a few points in December but then we returned to our insular cocoon. We did nothing but we also did a huge declutter and took old paint to be recycled and donated a huge load of furniture, clothes and books. We rearranged and reevaluated and I felt so good after that I'm considering it a high point. Especially when I saw so many things being kept for the wrong reasons finally leave the house. 

It's a wide open house. Sometimes things pile up. 

We're starting in an okay spot. Need my front brakes done and so I booked them because I don't want to do them in the winter when it's cold and wet outside. I need a beach day but that will come later on. I have tons of groceries. I did the budget and changed the cat bowls and washed the trays. I made a plan for my knitting for the rest of the winter and I didn't even pull out any of the baking I did for Christmas so that will be nice through the colder wet months where we may actually see snow. 

I have a few stragglers who read who haven't left yet and I want to promise you I'll give you things to read in 2025. 2024 just hit like a truck and I had no words to describe it. Drama still persists around here but in an exhausted way. Like PJ said yesterday: Christmas is a minefield and it brings up feelings and leftover dynamics you thought you were done with, in a colourful holiday that is so dressed up as a happy time, it almost makes it all worse. 

He was much more poetic in his description but I have had no coffee yet so can't even paraphrase. It's supposed to rain heavily today and my plan is to wind some yarn to make myself a meadow sunset wrap (high on my making bucket list this year) and maybe finish up my two sewing projects and then I'm giving away my 1962 Soviet sewing machine because I still hate sewing in the end and 2025 is going to be the year of not putting up with anything at all that is bullshit, including my own attitude.

 

I would have called this Winning Wednesday but now it's Thursday.

Time has become like the proverbial quicksand we were taught to fear and survive, as I scoop minutes and hours into my hands, clutching them against my chest only to have them pour out through and between my fingers like water. It speeds along and I constantly find myself remarking that it's already whatever date and then I light my advent candles and wait for them to burn down to the right numbers so I can look like I have my shit together. 

Ha. If that was all it took I'd be the Queen of Fucking Togetherness.

Maybe I am though. I have finished all of the shopping and wrapping that I can do. Whatever is left on the list is up to the boys. I baked banana breads and chocolate thumbprint cookies. I bought a metric ton of ingredients, including the turkeys this week. I got the stockings done and everything is wrapped and bagged by recipient, I ordered gift baskets and Christmas centerpieces. I subsidized UPS for whatever reason and then one very important package got separated from the rest and got stuck in a snowstorm in Quebec. I got all my stuck mail finally from Canada Post yesterday. I engineered drop off of local gifts that need to go out and I organized the times and dates for big Christmas Dinner and Departure Tourtiere. We will have guests for four days. I washed all the sheets and towels and cleaned and put out bowls of wrapped Christmas candies and chocolates. The lights are lit outside around the clock now until New Years Day.

 Maybe I feel a little less anxious now. All of our extended family have their packages. Everyone is off starting tomorrow night at dinner (INCLUDING SAMUEL) and it's time to celebrate Christmas. Finally.

Struggle Monday.

The anxiety is through the roof today and I'm not sure why. It's a Monday. It's pouring rain. I think I'm ready for Christmas but I could use a few extra small things. I had a whole host of unexpected bills which are leaving me nonplussed as I've kept a very strict budget this year in favour of leaving Caleb a little more removed from my life and it's been going well. 

Just like old times for me and Loch when I would wear three pairs of socks to bed and make canned beans and weiners for dinner and just 'forget' to put the ketchup on the table because I was trying to ration it and condiments are not food. 

No, absolutely not like that at all but those are the sorts of lessons I learned right before my brain finished forming and I was doing household budgets as a teenager and so those are the things that stick and everything else is just fluff. It still feels decadent to buy marshmallow fluff or heck, even relish so I guess that's a good thing. 

We have a heavy rainfall warning and I declined to go food shopping today since I wasn't feeling well this morning. Once I did feel a little better, I swept, mopped and vaccuumed (It's been over two decades and I still can't spell it) and did a few loads of laundry but that was it so now tomorrow I'm going to have to take some of the boys with me to get turkeys. 

I hope there's some left. I've left some things until the last minute but at the same time have I? I'm sure I have time. If not that's okay too. We are nothing if not flexible, whether it comes to condiments or dates on a calendar. 

Let's look on the bright side here. Do a list, Bridget, find the light. 

The days will begin to get longer starting on Sunday. 

We don't live in the Prairies anymore. 

Christmas is a lovely time and this year we're hosting dinner on actual Christmas day which means instead of relaxing I get to cook but it keeps me busy and the day will fly by. We're going to do a whole extra turkey this year because surprisingly, but not surprisingly at all, Ruth's husband can outeat every one of the boys here and it's hilarious and we almost ran out of turkey last year and I loved every second of it. 

Everyone is healthy and coping pretty well. 

(The dread though. It sucks oh my hell whyyyyyyyyy) 

I think I'm going to put a fire on in the fireplace and watch a movie and knit. Maybe open the prosecco early. Maybe not. Maybe get more sleep. Maybe do a whole extra page in my gratitude journal. Maybe look back at two years ago things were changing so fast I couldn't keep up and now that everything's changed I still can't catch my breath. 

Maybe later I'll ask Ben if he wants to go and scream into the void with me (off the cliff). Sometimes that works pretty well. Actually yeah, I'm looking forward to that too.

Thirty-five years on.

 I didn't forget. I never do. In fact, I woke up with the usual sadness, the low-key dread of memories that dates and times remember and won't let me forget, but frankly I wouldn't dare. 

I can't believe it's been thirty-five years tonight since my university in Nova Scotia decided to continue with the schedules and hurriedly put security teams and gates in place and checked our identification and our bags and pockets as we entered the theatre to write our freshman winter exams.

It was a mostly-female university, now peppered with a few males, as they couldn't discriminate, but it was heavy on equality and heavier still on feminism and women's rights and on that night we all cried as we wrote, knowing that only hours earlier in Montreal at a similar university fourteen women had been shot simply for being women.

 Did it force a nationwide reckoning, as one publication proclaimed today?

Did it? Of course it didn't. Will it ever? No. I don't think. We'll still fight tooth and nail for everything, whether it's equal pay or a shred of safety in a familiar space but nothing ever changes. 

It's Taylor Swift weekend too here in Vancouver and women everywhere are celebrating their own voices and finding camaraderie in the shared experience of being a women. I feel like men don't manage heartbreak in the same way and when men sing about it it's a difference you can feel. Maybe I can't put it into words but today I remember the names of the women who didn't get to finish their programs and watch their children grow up and dance to Taylor's music and it makes me weep.They should be here, living and loving life and it's amazing to me that we have all learned, much like in all school shootings before and since, how to live in and around the horror of those who hate.

All caps for Christmas.

 It's December third! The day each year when I give myself permission to go whole-hog on the Christmas season. The baking is underway. I made decadent dark chocolate cookies and have plans to do brownies and banana bread as well. I can only do a about a day or two a week of baking because if it gets too chaotic then none of the baked treats actually make it to the holidays thanks to a house full of predictable men with big appetites, and crafty, clever men who will distract me with charm and affection while the rest carry off entire trays of still-warm cookies and cakes. 

It's maddening and frustrating and I love it. I make decoy treats that they can decimate and then I don't mind so much and can run off with a a huge box to load into one of the freezers in the garage. The locked one no one is allowed into because I don't like surprises. After six or seven locks were cut off in honour of being fair they have relented and let me have a whole freezer to be organized with and the other one is the free for all with frozen waffles and air fryer stuff and a few sacrificial treats, in with the buckets of ice cream. 

We'll never eat right, though I have transitioned over from so many treats to more fruit and ingredients and if you're really hungry a half a bagel with a slice of cheese or a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar is a good alternative to seven chocolate chip cookies. 

Right, Benjamin? RIGHT? 

I have Ali & Theo singing around the clock, doing their greatest Christmas songs like Where Are You Christmas? and Let It Fall, as the world is sleeping on this duo. And Eisley's Christmas songs because they're just freaking MAGICAL.

 I have all of the decorations and outside lights up and done (Thanks to Lochlan and Duncan and Sam and Matt, who breezed in and without asking or directing on my part, emptied the bins that were neatly stacked in the front hall, just in time for Advent to begin and Sam will be too busy to do anything now until Jesus is born and after that he will rest until Easter and do it all again but the countdown will only be like a long weekend instead of four straight weeks and it's easier somehow) and the tree will go up early next week, I hope. 

I'm not doing it. 

I played the boys Paris Paloma's Labour song once and that's all it took to get a huge amount of preemptive help. I've also started to let go of some things that I just did and don't do any more and I feel like some of the work is lifting and I have more time to watch Netflix and knit and sew (holiday romance, true crime and documentaries, if you will, at present. I finished my list of horror movies left over from Halloween that were on my list (NO GOOD ONES JESUS) and so far A California Christmas is still winning, because it had a SEQUEL, City Lights. I also watched Christmas in Rome, Hot Frosty and A Crown for Christmas and Hot Frosty was hilarious but obviously written by someone who hated sci-fi but saw Fifth Element, and A Crown was weird because Danica McKellar is MY AGE and they positioned her as a burdened thirty-year-old and I couldn't help but think that the whole movie was written for Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany but someone didn't land the budget and so they went this way instead. 

I'm not even going to talk about the BUY NOW Documentary because it was so bad and once again the onus lands on me to use shitty paper straws and not buy from Shein but ignores the companies and countries using plastic and shipping our 'recycling' to places out of sight. 

Wait, what? 

I'm doing everything I can. I want Amazon to have a 'deliver everything at once' so when I order eight things (saving gas, time and the carbon footprints of multiple stores) they don't bring them in fifteen separate trips. Goddamn. Last night they delivered a single box the size of my Jeep. Inside it was a sole button battery for a ornament that lights up. I tried four different stores and couldn't find that one size so I ordered it. FUCKING SUE ME. I was so mad that it's come to this, but I did spend the past six years with a dark ornament so it's not like I need instant gratification, I just decided this year I would fix the darn thing. But ARGHHHHHHHH.

I have more thoughts if you're interested but the boys aren't which is why I put them here.

The princess dipped in coloured wax.

I just found out this morning that Tony Scherman passed away from cancer last year. We bought a painting on the weekend and I was telling someone about how it was the second time I have walked around a corner and been struck breathless by an artwork on a wall. The only time previous to this past weekend was in 2018 when we went to the Murakami show and I found Poseidon. 

I wrote about it then. 

I feel as if based on his methods and subject matter I could most likely pick out one of his works in the wild without prompting and I'm grateful I was able to see one in person because seeing a photo of them online doesn't do them justice for their light and texture and emotion. I shouldn't have to even say that when it comes to seeing a piece in person versus looking at a photo but also I feel like I do have to say it. 

I navigated all of my anniversaries and I can still smile. I have hauled out the totes of decorations and lights and have thought about decorating but haven't. I haven't shopped.  I haven't baked, Christmas is a month from today and yeah. Time to get to work.

HBD, JT.

Fifty-four. 

Happy birthday, Preacher. 

PJ and Lochlan pour their drinks off the cliff and turn to go back inside. Who drinks these days? We need the few wits we have left. I wish for theirs while I gulp my own, wind howling so loud now all I hear are my drowned sobs, choked back before they can be detected, and the strains of Dire Straits' Sultans of Swing, a song I don't think I know a single word to, and I'm okay with that. The music has been playing softly over the speakers-in the kitchen and patio and the rest of the house is Choose Your Own Adventure, due to screens or books or rest. 

I finish my drink in four gulps (Lochlan always overpours me on November days) and fire the cut crystal glass off the cliff. I'll either cut myself on it in the spring or find the most beautiful pieces of sea glass, worn smooth from former sharp edges. 

Ha, like me. 

I can feel the fire from my throat travelling down into my stomach. My ears are red from the cold. Dire Straits have been replaced by Robert Plant and I sing under my breath. 

Shall I rest for a while at the side?

God. Every song is an IED blowing up years of my life faster than I can make it to safety but I run anyway. I get halfway back to the house and Ben scoops me up and carries me the rest of the way like a little kid. I'd laugh but I don't have any feelings left any more that I can trust.

Bullshit.

Pigalet-

I hold up one shaky finger. A warning. Don't-

I just wanted to see how you-

How I'm doing? How do I look like I'm doing. I'm the only person in the world who can still move while being completely paralyzed-

Bridge-

Please. Just don't. Don't show your face. Don't have that accent. Don't come back around like you miss me when you really...just.. don't. 

But I do. 

Then you shouldn't have jumped. 

Maybe I didn't. Maybe it was metaphorical. 

Then my whole life is a joke. 

It's not, and that's not funny. 

Right. I didn't get it either. But if it was metaphorical then everyone's head is going to roll, starting with mine. 

I never liked those out-loud intrusive thoughts of yours. 

I never liked the ghost of Jacobs Past showing up to fuck up what should be such a venerable, sombre week in the first place. It never rained right through November until you ruined your life, and mine, and all of theirs, too. I turn and stare at the house. I can see Lochlan behind the glass of the patio doors staring at me. I wish he could see Jake. I wish he could save me now. 

I stepped aside-

Right off a ledge. 

Does it matter anymore?

I turn back to stare at Jacob and the wind whips around me, stinging my eyes. Yeah. Yeah it matters. It will ALWAYS matter because I'm the one who has to deal with it and I still can't figure out how.

Nuts.

I think I have the week by the teeth. A good grip, as it were as long as nobody asks me how I'm feeling or what's up or even what's for dinner. 

We stopped at a Dairy Queen for dinner on the way home and I had an ice cream sundae. Not for dessert but just for dinner itself. It seemed like a good idea at the time and I maintain that sometimes we don't need a whole dinner but we definitely need a treat and after a week of rain and bullshit and tears and bullshit and another incoming storm the ice cream won. Easily. 

It's late and so I will be back tomorrow. I promise.

The least favourite countdown.

Is it wrong to sometimes want to disappear and sleep or just travel invisibily for days or maybe weeks on end and then somehow figure out how to crawl out of my own head and rejoin society? Did I want to do that? Should I bother? Or maybe just pick and choose my timeline so I don't have to have mental lists and mental hurdles and mental...moments. I would like to be ignorant, oblivious and dismissive. I would like to dissolve into a pool of coffee and glitter. I want to shake things up but also I want to keep the status quo just fine. I want to appreciate the finer things and the fun moments and the excitement and joy of life but at the same time I want to skip fast-forward through the hard parts. 

Thursday is Halloween. Next Thursday will be Jacob's birthday. I only showed up here because some people asked. 

Maybe it'll all be okay this time. Sometimes it is. Sometimes if I have something difficult to do I promise myself a little reward on the other side like a big Cobb cinnamon bun or a drive to a pumpkin patch or a new pair of jeans from Old Navy. I rarely fulfill the reward part but it helps for some reason. Maybe it will help this time too.

 

 

 

I watched Lonely Planet so you don't have to.

(Disclaimer: This is a big spoiler. Also the only role I've ever liked Laura Dern in was as the lawyer in A Marriage Story so that may cloud this a little or maybe a bunch.)

Okay so. 

I've been a fan of the books forever. I virtually travelled for YEARS thanks to the library before I could travel in real life and the Lonely Planet books were always very informative, fascinating, unpretentious guides to places I could only dream of. I heard they were making a movie loosely-based on the phenomenon a bit ago. Then I forgot about it. 

Then it debuted on Netflix and I thought I gotta see this. 

Ninety-six minutes later, and I can't remember why I thought I had to see this. 

Honestly, with the premise, it had the potential to land somewhere between The English Patient and Eat Pray Love and instead it wound up a hallmark Christmas trope. Struggling boy meets girl. Girl pays attention to him so therefore he loves her. Everyone is hypocritical and magic fixes it all and poof, ends with a kiss. 

Oh my God. Of course. 

Christ on a pancake. Zero character development. Laura Dern breezily pointing out Liam (The Lesser Hemsworth as we call him, even though he's a good actor) has a girlfriend who maybe is becoming full of herself because some people don't handle fame well and huh, sometimes it happens. Laura doesn't think Liam's girlfriend has her shit together and oh well, maybe she should swoop in and steal Liam because he is put out, ignored and unable to commit to following the girlfriend around like a puppy. Why should he? He has his own subplot! The girlfriend is PISSED about it though and sneers at him through the entire movie.

Meanwhile, Laura doesn't have her shit together either and CLEARLY handles success poorly and keeps ducking into closets whining about trying to 'work' and sneaking around being super anti-social until she senses a dick in her vicinity. Then she acts all weird and coy. It works and she gets laid.

And POOF! All brain cells vanish, she has her bag stolen, has a meltdown like a four-year-old, leaving North Africa and Liam too. Because ShE iS a WrItEr. And didn't back up her work. In spite of planning to travel a very long distance, bringing her laptop and being on the cusp of finishing her Best. Book. Ever.

Riiiiiight. This is a bestselling author. What a liar.

But back to poor Liam. Aw. He just had someone actually paying attention to him. Or to his dick, I mean. And now she's gone. Everyone's gone. Girlfriend's gone. He kept some of his morals though. Just enough to keep him from becoming successful as a cutthroat venture capitalist or something. 

Sigh.

I will say the blink-or-you-miss-them location shots of Morocco (FFS Netflix!) and some of the music was pretty neat. Some of it was also pretty bad (end credits) and they travelled for no reason at all, frankly, heading down avenues in the story that didn't need to be there while they bonded without actually bonding. Also I fear there were some important people who were far deeper than our main characters relegated to nothing at all. The brothers who had to fix the car and brought them home for dinner? The woman who ran the whole retreat in the first place? Why such build up and then nothing? Oh wait. It was to set up the story and then to indicate Bonding with a capital B.

But then sexy times ensued! We JUST met. No condoms. No testing. Whatever happens in Africa stays in Africa, I guess. Laura Dern's heavy breathing was loud enough to kill any STDs, perhaps. Liam was not breathing at all which is why he is the lesser Hemsworth to me. He might be dead and that's why he acts so straight-laced in EVERYTHING. Like The Hunger Games.

(Come on, Gale. I believed in you) 

In any case, the neat-as-a-bow ending and ridiculously untenable relationship blooming and hideously-bratty-but-also-not girlfriend left me wondering why they left out all the good parts and left in all the dodgy moments. It's like they let AI make a movie (I despise it when people reference AI but really it was THAT bad) and this movie is what was spit out. 

I'm giving it a solid 2/10 but only for the option to play a drinking game while watching it-take a drink every time there is a tagine pot in the frame.

You'll be shitfaced in seconds. You're going to love this movie.

Maybe I can start a new genre: 'Woman being chased by apex predators'.

Nothing in the world could fail me now.

We did have a belated Thanksgiving with a handful of people rolling up to the kitchen table. I didn't set the dining room table because no one would commit. It's dark before dinner and the rain and the lack of excitement from me was palpable or maybe we all just weren't in the mood. Maybe it was because if I don't make a big deal and begin preparations no one will. I'm not sure if everyone is regularly depressed, seasonally depressed or just oblivious but it's concerning regardless. 

It meant leftovers. Henry and PJ managed to divide them without any fights (or tears) over the next couple of days.

I think the whole continent is sort of holding it's collective breath for the next two or three weeks but also I hate that subject altogether so let's talk about my treadmill videos instead. Did I tell you? We got a new treadmill. It's more me-sized than them-sized because no one wants me outside getting my fresh air fix by walking as far up the mountain as I can go and when I get tired, bored of an inkling of anything at all I turn and walk all the way back down to the ocean. It's been a thing forever and I don't care if it's eight at night. I don't care if it's seven in the morning. Sometimes it's four pm sharp. So the treadmill arrived and I jumped on, fired up a walking video because I can't just stare at the wall and I can't just listen to music so I found a hilarious-to-me genre on Youtube called treadmill walks. 

Oh boy. Where to even begin. You probably knew about these ages ago but I didn't and I told Lochlan without context that I was going to walk the Appalachian trail. 

You mean the Pacific Coast Trail and no, you're not. 

No I mean the Appalachian Trail. I showed him the video and he laughed (with relief I bet) and we dug into what else there was. 

Ultimately the first video I ended up putting on was a walk around the city of Venice in Italy which was somewhat disconcerting because somehow the cameraman found the most perfect, dry, sunny and virtually empty city to film and the whole time I'm thinking Venice never looks like that. 

It made me laugh. I have been a few times now and it always seems to hit the same week the rain hits and the mild flooding and the crowds and the rats and the mold and I'm sure I've written about it before but it's so beautifully tragic it's become a gorgeous memory of choosing terrible vacation plans because that can be a sport, you know. 

(One I can win Olympic gold in.)

Go into everything with low to no expectations and you will be gobsmacked. Sometimes disappointed anyway (look at my efforts with Burning Man) and sometimes you'll even try AGAIN because you're a baby masochist or stupid or both but rats. 

Rats. 

Not a huge fan. I'm not going to jump on tables screaming or anything but I had nightmares they were chewing my hair. I never got warm there. I never really felt safe there. 

So the next video will definitely be the Appalachian Trail one. Unless someone can find me some horror-themed treadmill walks. I must look. That would be amazing.

In other news a total stranger complimented my hair colour yesterday. Not Lochlan's but MINE. We were both surprised but then after he says I told you. It's so unusual. Huh. Yeah. Aren't we all. I pretty much shy away from attention in public anymore. My tattoo suit does a good job of keeping most people away and the few who approach somehow want to be cool by association and will start a conversation, which I indulge and will always find an easy compliment for them because they're usually way cooler than me to begin with. Having tattoos isn't cool, it just means you have money and like to lie on tables in pain while artists leave their beautiful works on you. Sometimes you pick the art, sometimes you let them pick it or tell them an idea and let them run with it.

That's what life is, running with ideas. Let's move. Let's get married. Let's try this restaurant. Let's buy this tiny treadmill so you don't get eaten by a bear. Let's not do the Appalachian Trail in real life but let someone else do it and we'll give them a click like a tip for a job well done. 

Risk your life to maybe be eaten by a bear (or a skinwalker in that region I mean who are we kidding?) and someday Youtube will send you a plaque that says you had a bunch of people watch the thing you filmed. Cool. 

You're cool. I am not cool. I couldn't even do Thanksgiving on the right day or fully utilize the giant treadmill we already own. I can't seem to see Venice on a sunny day and yet I have had far too many conversations with bears to make anyone comfortable and that's how I'm going to keep you.

Light a candle, throw the world away.

I can't sleep. I got up at six and stole PJ's chore list for the day since it was quiet things like laundry and sweeping and I'm cursing myself for being this ridiculous bu also as soon as the final load of sheets goes into the dryers I'm going to go up and run a hot bath and then I'll feel better. The littlest of cats was hogging my tiny island of bed all night and she wouldn't move and I figured she would stretch out and snooze when I left but instead she came with me and now perches at the top of the landing and looks annoyed that I woke her up. 

On the upside it's eight and everything's done for the day. We're not hosting a dinner. I still have an endless headache and I left everyone to the wind. There are ingredients. I don't know what to do but I also don't care. Thanksgiving is my throw away holiday. I either go to McDonalds or I make a huge dinner and go all out but I'm not feeling it at all this year.

I can still be thankful, grateful and beyond blessed. I can also be profoundly irritated and in need of a long winter's nap. A lot of people are wondering why I didn't write, why I haven't caught you up to speed on things, what Caleb is up to (no good, as always but in a wearier way) and why I haven't been more present in the moment. It's like a cycle. I don't know how to explain it. I am feeling defeated a lot lately. I lost my dog in the spring and I can't get past it easily and why should I? He was my companion for sixteen years. I feel like everyone is mean and selfish and unhinged lately and I need a long cry and a longer hug, maybe. Maybe some chocolate and a long drive. Maybe that lobotomy I keep thinking I have gotten and it turns out to be false prophets. Maybe I'm haunting myself. Maybe I'm feeling up for nothing and everything and maybe the perspective is hard to keep in mind. It's okay. I'm human. I'm allowed. 

All I know is it rained a tiny bit and it's going to rain a lot more and I can make life cozy and wait out the feelings until they change again. Like I said, it's a cycle.

The park bench murders.

The trees are turning red and gold and the hot chocolate and pierogie season is well underway now (but not together). We are winterizing the property in advance of cold weather and finished the final thing today. I didn't finish it before. It's supposed to rain for two solid weeks so it was time to get it done.

Now the only thing we leave out are the hoses until just after Halloween. Just in case. People here love to light fireworks in the nieghborhood and you never know when one is going to go rogue. I'll put the hoses away on November first. 

My little bottle of thieves oil smells like dragon's blood. I'm not all that impressed. It's not potent, doesn't do anything and while it smells nice enough, a blend of eucalyptus and cinnamon, there's no magic qualities or extra effort that it puts in that I can see and so I brought it upstairs to throw it in with the mop water next time I mop. Use it up, learn from it, and never buy it again. 

We voted today. They fed my voter's card into a big machine that looked like a zamboni crossed with a work printer. I watched in fascination, received my sticker and went on my merry way. Hoping for things to stay the same in this province so I have to do my part. I made the boys come, and Henry too, because we all have to do this. Henry was excited as always and said he hoped all his friends voted. Me too. They're the future. 

Lochlan and I split an order of chicken McNuggets for dinner and then he went off to have a quick nap and I settled in to make some little blankets with some old yarn. The new cats get cold and we can't have that. Plus I have old yarn and I can see no other purpose for it. I'm going to finish this one while I watch the new episodes of Unsolved Mysteries because no one's bugging me tonight for anything. Perfect.

Resurrection fern.

 Spending the morning being a selkie, as it was pouring rain and I walked up to the mailbox alone to get the mail, in a t-shirt and jeans, no less. I didn't think it was raining that hard but it was and now I am vaguely damp and cozy yet back in the house with the lights lit and Iron & Wine on the google thing in the kitchen. Pod? Screen? Tiny TV? I never know what to call it. It's not a nest, and it's not a home, so it's a screen on the counter and it shows dust in the sunlight and I may get Ben to build a little floating shelf for it so it can be up and away. I'm a big fan of clear counters. 

We've done a lot of work clearing clutter this summer and evaluating things that haven't moved in forever and we got a smaller kitchen table in a brighter wood hue. I'm a huge fan of blonde woods and light shades to offset the dark greens and navies and greys and sometimes you have to mix the two and then you can cover all your bases decorating-wise. What I mean is that-all white with pine is just lovely but not for the entire house. You need to break it up with some lush rich hues and texture. So trade off between the two and amazingly it works well. 

I'm fighting the urge to drive up to the store and buy some salt and vinegar chips. This week I have really minded being a highway away from everything. I used to walk so much more so it didn't matter. There were stores on every block as the kids grew up and then suddenly I chose the ocean over the ease. 

I'm still doing it. I just want some chips today. Also the finale of The Rings of Power is tonight! Thank god. It wasn't good but it was also amazing. How to explain that? No idea.

How can so many different size hands make the same size noodles, indeed, buddy.

Halfway through getting all our things done and I've been assured that I actually procrastinate far less than most people and my to-do list is shorter and less catastrophic. I'm not sure why people ignore the things they should be doing. I would perish. Maybe that's why I stress when things start to pile up-I'm not prone to enjoying having things hanging over my head. 

Huh. Who knew? 

I did have some hot chocolate yesterday afternoon. It was raining and lovely. I finished a couple of shows and a knitting project. I started more of both. I love late afternoons when it gets dark early. I walked up the hill and fetched a package Ruth was expecting. I breathed in the fresh air. I really enjoyed the moment. I have to remember it's just now October and there is no huge rush, though I did my first leaf raking already too. Ha. 

Lochlan is like Sit down. Jesus, Woman. And also go do what you want to do, then.

So I do. 

Also I need to talk about the new Chef's Table: Noodles. Like halfway through the first episode and I'm looking around thinking Seriously?? This guy is oblivious to everything and has mommy issues and also is downright masturbatory about his freaking pasta. I'm completely grossed out and snort-laughing through it at this point. Netflix, come on. I love you but stop with this series, it's just getting worse and worse. Like actual food porn, as if someone took that phrase and ran with it. I hate it but I'm hoping it gets better? I don't know how it could but it's making me laugh. Duncan said maybe if I acted that way I would also enjoy cooking but he is wrong. 

I will never enjoy cooking. I freaking hate it. I'm a grazer by nature and only want a whole meal once or twice a week. That's it. Give me a hard boiled egg standing up at the sink or a banana in the truck on the way to an appointment and I'm good. 

Probably malnourished but good.

Talks of pep and wearing a hole through a worry stone.

 Ahhh fall. My Afib is back, my headaches are back and everything is breaking. No, seriously. Amazon won't let me cancel a package it won't even ship, the garbage can in the kitchen is motion sensitive and a ghost keeps opening it, three of our most-used vehicles need work and we spent all day doing plumbing and gardening projects and getting nowhere fast. Three cords gave up altogether on things that need to be charged, and the list of to-dos and to-fix grows ever longer. 

And I am easily overwhelmed but also confident that it will all get done and grateful that we had a very long spell with zero issues and not much going on altogether. It's kismet, though, isn't it? You spin out cash for a long, leisurely break and then everything breaks to pay you back somehow. The universe always calls in its favours eventually. It's almost funny but since I have troubles with being frustrated (aka easily overwhelmed) it's not funny but it will all be fine. It's just stuff. It's just life. It's just a mild heart issue. 

HA. 

I need to slow down, I say to myself as I sit and knit and knit and watch Secret Lives of Mormon Wives which is terrible but also compelling and I already churned through Worst Ex Ever and The Laci Petersen movie and a few others and damn, I need something silly. I finished Love is Blind UK. We're almost finished Rings of Power and I wait patiently for the new season of Outer Banks to drop (in two parts! GEEEEEZ Netflix!) I watched Emily in Paris. I am a busy girl hahaha. 

I also watched eight hundred thousand movies with Ben and Lochlan, sometimes with Dalton, sometimes too with PJ and a couple with Batman. 

I taught Ruth to knit and now that's all she does outside of work. 

It's a panacea for a stressed out mind. Same with gardening. I should be deceased for all of the worrying I do, honestly. I know it will kill me quickly but it's like telling me not to breathe. 

 On the upside I did get more hot chocolate and I've been chipping away at fall cleanup and winterizing even though it's early and  I have a whole list of junk tv to get through and I'm super pumped for sweater weather since hat weather is already here for me. My hair is a half-inch long all over and I love it. Very Jean Seberg. Very gamine. Very Mia Farrow. Very cold head. Hahahaha.

I reset the garbage can already. Two vehicles are booked in for experts. Plumbing seems good and the gardening will get done. It's fine everything's fine. I don't need to worry but I do.

It's been a really really really busy month.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself it's time now gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head
In burning red 

I'm sorry for my absence and even sorrier you didn't have access to the archives. We went to Burning Man and also had a nice vacation before and after it, because it wasn't all it should have been. This was my do-over year and it sucked worse! And I lasted two days again! 

And I'm never going back but this time it was more luxury, less lung infection, and still it was so awful. We flew out before I even figured out where everything was. We flew out before I even ran out of clothes. We flew out before I had time to inhale enough playa dust to wind up in the hospital and let's face it, no one wanted me to be there in the first place but Lochlan also loves to spoil me rotten while he stands patiently off to one side and then says I told you so and I hate that but also I love it. 

While I was gone, Caleb deleted all my shit after hacking into my gmail. I got a bunch of emails and one of them actually was kind enough to point out the blog was gone. The rest were asking me if I was okay and I didn't know why. Of course I'm okay. I keep on clanging through the days, tripping over memories and skipping through mud puddles. 

I just happen to have an in-house Devil who has had it in for me since 1979. 

I mean, don't we all? 

What do you mean you don't? 

In any case, we are home and unpacked and caught up and I went today and got groceries and gas and did my banking and put away the suitcases. Well, I didn't. PJ put them up in the attic down at the sunny end where the tiny window is. He promised he left them all unzipped and with a fresh dryer sheet in each. 

It makes a difference. 

But I had a hot vacation, a dirty vacation and then a mountain vacation and I am set for the winter now. We got out and back with some good weather to spare and I didn't sleep but I did laugh a lot and eat a lot and I feel pretty good going into fall here. With the blog. With the Devil. With August still doing check-ins. With these two stranger-cats and Benjamin the big jovial giant. 

With myself, in my own skin, comfortable. 

I negotiated a bunch of deals. I shaved my head. I did not kayak even once this year. I didn't buy any pumpkins or grow any either. I navigated some long roads and I didn't sleep at all. I cat-nap now. Today I've got everything prepped and I've put on Taylor Swift and am making hot chocolate and it's about to rain. 

It won't be a month plus this time. I know I say that every time but a new season means a new routine and I think I do better when I write.

The laundry is caught up, there's a new Thirteen Senses album out, and I'm enjoying watching the Back to School panic from afar.

Welcome back, me. I've rolled back into town just as pilots are talking about going on strike, Burning Man is faltering, the Gathering is over and the trains have shut down. I went and left the heat, the traffic, the construction and the idiots behind and went somewhere completely new, where I had to navigate for myself, figure out meals and lodgings and attractions and weather without any habits in order to maybe better appreciate not having to do it here, at home. I was at my wits' end, my last nerve, the final straw with the camel standing by and I had to go. 

Luckily it all worked out and I am safely home again with lots of tall tales and fun moments and now we are just one Monday remaining and the one after that will be Labour Day. The days are definitely getting shorter, the nights colder, the leaves more colourful and the boys more calm as we roll on towards September in the best way possible.

We even had some rain. I was out hacking up the butterfly garden yesterday. It's long spent. The pears are almost ready, apples too and the grapevines are heavy with fruit. We watched a whole family of raccoons visit last night in the orchard, pipping and squawking and chirping to each other while they found purchase on the arbours. Four little babies and their parents. So cute. I only say this because I didn't grow any vegetables for them to work through so I can relax and enjoy their little masked faces this year. 

Everyone is happy I'm back. I love that. I missed my boys, I missed Henry who loves having the independence of not having his mom bugging him all the time, and I missed Caleb's heavy-handed but somehow comforting presence. 

I let go of some long bad habits through doing this, and I learned some things about myself and I found a quiet confidence I don't think I had before but now I'm back and after many stops and starts it's time for some more stories. 

See you tomorrow.

Weeeeeeeeeee.

 Five Mondays and it will be Labour Day. 

Yay! I stopped coughing at last and now only start if I laugh too much which is at least every breakfast, lunch and dinner hour thanks to PJ who is always up for making me howl til the howl turns tea kettle turns wheeze turns cough. 

Lochlan is always pissed at him but then again Lochlan is the one who has had to listen to me cough and cough and cough for almost a month straight and I feel for him so he enjoys the coughing-free moments more often than not these days and isn't excited to return to them. I offered to drown myself in the pool for a while there but he was even more pissed about that so really he just gets older and more worried and I'm glad he wasn't like this when I was in my early twenties or I probably would have murdered him, to be honest. 

We watched the new documentary on Netflix: Skywalkers, A Love Story. Oh my God it was so good and also I am really glad I mostly had a net and was only a story or so high. They have nerves of steel and it was so stressful to watch but afterward I felt as if I can let go of the every day stresses because I'm not depending on a sponsorship for a high risk, illegal activity to pay my damn bills.

I have Caleb for that. 

Anyway, there are popsicles in the freezer and avocados on the counter and the recycling and garbage is done and it's a long weekend and hopefully it won't be as hot as it was yesterday. It was so stupidly warm I swam in the ocean instead of the pool and Lochlan didn't like that either because I am definitely no Olympian. We came in after ninety minutes and watched the Olympics for the rest of the day. I hate the heat and I hate exercise and I'd rather eat burgers and watch someone else balance and do acro or gymnastics than do it myself anymore. 

I think this long weekend will just be more of the same and I'm really excited about it, suddenly.

 

"You don't face your fears, you ride 'em"

Hi. We had houseguests. Talky ones. I was given no chance to break away nor could I rest and so I am STILL coughing. Like forcefully. Constantly. I drink hot tea all day. I try and rest now as we are a few days out from it all. We got the house pulled back together, rode out the heat wave (finally ebbing) and cleaned up. We ran errands and scrubbed everything for a fresh start for the rest of the summer (seriously, six Mondays and it's pretty much over) and this week I will be taking it extremely easy and resting and eating popsicles and doing crafts while floating in the pool.

Because I need to. I also successfully talked the whole point into taking me to see Twisters this afternoon and hoo boy, I'm so glad we went. I was a superfan of Twister, it came out when I was twenty-five. This one was really good too. I loved it. I won't spoil anything but I was super surprised one of the final songs on the soundtrack was not Dolly Parton but Miranda Lambert. That shocked me. I may go see it again tomorrow. It was really really good. 

The plants are all doing crazy good things. All of the trees have new growth. All of the flowers are blooming and the roses are just budding one after another. All of the days meld together into one and we are all worn out and cranky from being overly warm in spite of AC, in spite of water to swim in, in spite of the fact that we are all together. Ben has been spending early evenings with me in the hammock and then sometimes on the patio with tea and hand holding and listening to the song sparrows and the singular American Goldfinch that keeps visiting. 

Soon the days will get shorter and I will lament wasting summer so I'm glad we got the summer theatre blockbuster out of the way today so it's not going to be a total waste but I really go into with a lot of expectations and plans and come out saddened and disappointed at how little of those plans get carried out. Maybe it's life. We are getting older. No one sleeps. The weight of the world gets tiresome to carry but then there are such bright spots. I need to find more bright spots that can be colourful polkadots to obliterate the dark parts. I need to get rid of this fucking cough because my whole chest hurts like a mofo all the time now. 

Weeeee.

I finally got to see the Rolling Stones! All the boys went to see them in the 80s for the Steel Wheels tour in Toronto. I was to young to join them. It took me over three decades to catch up to that promise and I got to go! It was hot. It was PACKED. The band was a machine. Keith's guitar kept getting away from him, and I questioned if he was playing all the time. He stuck his tongue out a lot. Mick was flawless. Chanel Haynes was a powerhouse and stole our hearts. Ghost Hounds (the opener) were absolutely delicious and tight and really really too good to be opener-material, I think. 

So of course, guess what happens next?

Sometime after lunch on Saturday I had a breakdown of sorts. Nothing fit, nothing was fun, nothing was nice, I wanted to swim somewhere shady and quiet, my armpits are swollen, my throat hurts, I hate air conditioning but I hate the heat so much more and I didn't want to eat that, didn't want to do anything, hated life and really couldn't get a grip at all. By nightfall I was inconsolable.

It was a harbinger of a severe flu because when I woke up on Sunday things were that much worse. I couldn't swallow, couldn't talk without coughing (not a nice polite cough but a weird barky-loud dry but soon to be productive cough that made people visibly withdraw), my eyes were burning and my armpits and the rest of my lymph nodes blew up. My skin was burning, my head felt like a balloon and my nose ran, nonstop. 

I had to go to bed. I've done that only a handful of times in my life. 

Monday was the same. 

Tuesday? Same but worse. I couldn't lift my head up but oh no we're going to vomit. I had a sip of water and an aspirin and nope, it's coming back. I lay on the floor in the bathroom for HOURS. I called for help but no one was checking their phones. Ha. They thought I was sleeping, maybe they thought I was faking (for the record, I don't fake. I'm the polar opposite. I'm fine, I can do everything. Don't worry about me) until I crawled downstairs to check my vitals because if any number was off, I was taking myself to the ER. Henry decided that if I said I should go then we were going, but I said no. 

No fever. My skin is BURNING. I'm so hot I want to die. 

No blood pressure changes. 

Huh. Okay, no, we're staying put. It'll be fine. 

And slowly, it was. I had three chores to do today and I struggled but I got them done. My nose is no longer running. My head no longer feels like a balloon and all my nodes are back to size. My throat is the straggler. I was up all night coughing and had a death rattle that sounded like I swallowed plastic wrap but otherwise I feel like I'm turning a corner here. 

Yay! 

I tested for Covid. Negative. I tested again. Negative. Those swabs are painful to shove up my nose. PJ bought me Cup-of-soup (I love Cup-of-Soup when I'm sick). Lochlan admitted that on Monday he thought I might die so he stayed awake all night. 

No one else got sick in the house. 

Thank God.  

I'm going to blame the seats at the stadium and the size of the crowd. I am five feet tall and half the weight of the boys and the chair was tight with zero shoulder room. It was almost painful. Like being on a Cessna 152-painful. Squeezed. So yeah. Too close, too tight, too hot, too many people. I can't believe I stayed awake the whole night and will never forget this show if only for the fact that I don't think I would have gotten sick had I stayed home, but I wouldn't have stayed home if you paid me. I will pause and probably mask before the next concert because fuck this.

Happy Canada Day!

 We went to a nearby small town, fuelled on coffee and pop tarts and took in the live entertainment, face-painting, bouncy-castle, open-air market and food-truck goodness of it until I couldn't stay in the sun any more and now we are home and I'm just happy I grabbed comfy trainers on the way out the door early this morning because it was supposed to be a coffee run and ended up being a whole celebration instead. I did choose to grab a red sweater this morning and I never wear it any more but I chose it specifically for Canada Day hoping something like this would go down. 

We are all hurting today thanks to some well-meaning ice cream runs that were so good- instead of dinner yesterday and I love ice cream and I still firmly believe some days that I can maintain the diet of my twelve-year old self but then am amazed and horrified to be reminded that I cannot, as my body no longer wants those things so often. My brain still does and usually wins and then the clapback of low energy and cravings for fresh boiled vegetables overwhelms me before I have time to exhale. 

It's fine. I'll figure it out someday. I am glad I passed on the Krispy Kreme display or however it is that you spell it. Someone's always doing a box of doughnuts fundraiser. I will always grab three or four boxes to bring home. Today I did not. Good thing, that. 

In any event, I'm going to spend the rest of the week in the pool and all of next weekend at the bottom of the pool. The hot weather is incoming. The leftover PTSD from heat domes is incoming. Summer is incoming and we are slowly waking up to the idea that the next ten weeks will be super warm and then it's over again. 

Neato. 

Also the first fireworks season without a little dog to cuddle and comfort is far more difficult than I expected as I lay in bed last night with all the windows open and the ceiling fan twirling blissfully above me, listening to fireworks up the road and realizing I don't have to panic and medicate the dog and hold him in my arms all night. I still miss him every waking second. This is somehow worse than Jake, and I don't understand it.

Sitting in the passenger side of Lochlan's truck as we make our way East, I am struck by a barn in a field way back from the road. It's grey, weathered, abandoned but not, as witnessed by the single glass light over the wide double doors. The light is lit, it is golden hour and it looks like the saddest, most homesick and yet peaceful place I have ever seen. It reminds me of sleeping in the hay bed in the house by the river, counting the swallows queuing up on the power lines between the house just below my window and the hay loft window on the barn across the yard. 

I used to hate those swallows and their golden-hour sounds. I felt so alone, dumped at the farm for the summer to do hard labour and be emotionally abused and ridiculed and sunburnt from such a young age I still dread the onset of summer, deep down, and yet now I wish I could have had Adult-Bridget there to appreciate the peacefulness of the nights. The simpleness of a plank-salmon supper on cedar boards, my grandfather manning the barbecue for the volunteer fire department and the church ladies (including my grandmother) making salads and squares and doing all of the cleanup while the men talked crops and industry.

 The wood mill up on the other side of the river dominated the whole village, and the talk never stopped. I was woken up every morning by the chainsaw sounds, as they worked somewhere off up in the hills, and the rushing river that was too violent to cross or swim in. Instead we would drive to the lake for an hour in the afternoons, and I would soothe sunburn and then wade out and Bailey and I would pick the leeches off our legs and eat freezies while sitting on the picnic table, still in the godforsaken sun. Bailey tanned beautifully, a brown summer child while I remained a sore red-faced baby, loathe to let the rough cotton sets my grandmother sewed for us to wear touch my skin because everything hurt. She was too tough to care about my feelings, no doubt lost in her own regrets, stuck in that town her whole life.

But also maybe not. What a beautiful barn at twilight.

He deleted my Pinterest, too. HAHAHA. It's fine, I hardly used it anyway.

Tried a few new restaurants this week. Ate a salted pretzel with mustard while sitting on a bench at the mall. Went for a non-walk around the block to get the mail and didn't order a single thing online for once. Yes, I have an Amazon cart loaded, yes it can wait. 

I got a little further in Yarn Harlot and snorted way the fuck out loud when she described starting a difficult colourwork pattern and wondering if all of the partying she did in the eighties actually did do some damage. It's better or maybe I am less bristly at the chaos of the beginning of the book. Like, endear me to you first and then show me your flaws. If you show me the bad things first I don't want to know you. 

I am busy helping Ruth with appointments this week. She has a dentist consult and some small-business marketing things and would like company in her travels so I reworked my schedule a little to go. I like to support my kids. Henry and I often go for the long drive to get take out together and have deep conversations at dinner when everyone else is busy or scattered. 

I am still grieving though. I thought it might be easier, as a seasoned professional and all but I feel detached from life again and unbothered by that feeling altogether. I know I've lost interest in things and I feel forced and bitterly angry most of the time. Lochlan is frustrated. PJ? Resigned. August is not much help at all and I don't expect anyone to fix anything anymore. I just drift on the wind. It will fade, eventually but I expected it to be weeks, not months (not decades either but we won't talk about that) and yet I'm here in the quicksand looking at all my own constructs. 

Therefore the writing didn't bounce back like I thought it would. I haven't touched the computer except to put on a movie when it's one no one else wants to see. I watched Encanto and by the end of the it the boys were gathered around me. It's a keeper. What about Bruno? Is something we're asking each other daily, still. We watched Godzilla X Kong. We watched Godzilla Minus One. We watched Guardians of the Galaxy 3 and I cried. I was upset. I was so angry. I don't care if it's a message about animal testing, it was an entire hour in the middle of pure torture watching animals get hurt and even if they're not real it was too fucking much and I will be forever mad. I watched Season 10 of Alone and am savouring the last couple of episodes because I don't know who wins yet and I have favourites (MIKEY). I started the Bon Jovi documentary on Disney +. 

I rewatched Sleeping with the Enemy and can still recite all of the dialogue in the whole thing (I've time to change). That movie has aged beautifully, the only dissenting factor being Patrick Bergin's stupid mustache and I noticed for the first time that Laura's mom is supposed to be CROCHETING in the scene where he comes to visit and he picks up her hook when she drops it and for some reason they spend way too long showing her weirdly pretending to knit with this hook when she is completely blind and not even holding it right. But I don't mind, it's still in my top five. 

I did end up planting some tomatoes, radishes and irises after all. I hope they survive the coming rain. Not going to lie I like it better here when it's pouring but my fruit trees would like a little break and so would the roof shingles where moss is beginning to grow. I know I'll be wishing for this when it's hot out so maybe I will make some tea and appreciate it a little more first. I'm adaptable. I feel like a walking war crime of some kind these days but I know I'll find more words in here somewhere, somehow.

Busy B.

Okay so I disappeared again but I'm here, I'm just trying to do a life reset, as it's a new season of life for me and since I had a birthday I get to change things up as I see fit. I've been doing more hardscaping and landscaping and less gardening. We opted out of a full veggie garden this year in favour of spoiling the fruit trees and the lilacs and maybe the roses too. The veggie garden out on the end of the point behind the little boathouse has been levelled and we took all of the spare patio stones and rocks out there and made a new Victorian patio like the one we had in the Prairies and I love it. Lochlan built a big bench for extra seating and an arbour over the top and Ben likes to sit out there on nice evenings and play his guitar. It's closer to the sea, further from the house but somehow removed from the noise of the house, pool, life, neighbors, traffic, planes. I don't know. It's literally forty feet away from the pool but somehow it's become a designated quiet spot. Like a library or a hospital ICU. No loud voices allowed. 

Yes, he could have gone to the little grotto out front but we redid that too as a larger perennial space and made it so it's more secure-a higher wooden fence now surrounds the whole property so if you are a bear or a person with ill intent you have your work cut out for you. Motion lights and cameras too. Caleb isn't happy with the bears even though I swore up and down that their intent wasn't malicious, just curious. 

He didn't believe me, and no, I did not build the fence. But maybe I do appreciate it just enough that I do feel safer. I feel like Ben will be safer and August too. August never tells anyone when he's coming or going. The rest of us always check in with someone. This way everyone is accounted for and no one can be eaten by a bear. This morning I did see one malicious squirrel though. A large brown one who has been planting peach pits all over the property and we have little trees popping up here and there. It would be funny save for the fact that in the Prairies in the castle we had to pull the soffits down because a squirrel family made a nest and made a mess and it was expensive to fix and then I felt bad because it gets so cold there in the winters. But what do I do? Allow holes in my house? Crank the heat and hope the furnace doesn't break? Ha. No. Bye squirrel. Go build a home in the garage or the treehouse, or at the neighbors. 

So I did not welcome this little brown squirrel. 

I also learned that if I stay up late watching movies and shows or knitting I actually sleep better. I've learned I can skip my chores and they are only 15% worse the next schedule. I've learned that we don't need military precision for meals and I don't need to be treated like a child. I've got my ability to feel back, as witnessed this morning while I was reading my weekly chapter of Yarn Harlot (I'm a very slow reader okay? This book is only read while I wait for the washer to stop so I average 10 minutes a week if that on it) and the chapter on being a doula and knitting the tiny sock had me crushed to a pulp before the last paragraph. 

I did some exploring and broke my phone, which let to a quick panic to replace it on the fly because the battery life went from alright and kinda sucky to Hope You Get Home as the GPS was necessary and so I have an new phone and no good cases again. I had just amassed a perfect collection and declared my iphone 12 my ride or die until a folding phone comes out from Apple. Lochlan laughed and probably cursed my phone and it promptly decided it was done holding charges. And bless their hearts at Apple, we walked in, they saw this tiny little woman with white hair and began to inquire kindly what I use my phone for and I laughed and said everything and listed what I needed them to bring out for me to buy and they did. 

I found a few different routes which quell the strange confusion around some busier areas and I feel more capable with navigation of some spots I have had trouble with for the better part of the fourteen years I have been here. 

Things I have been wanting to do I am doing, and no one is telling me no and no one is trying to stop me and I'm shoving that in their faces with as much grace and gratitude as I can.

Wildcard.

Thank Schuyler this time for usurping the power-hungry one and out-cooling everyone else, pointing out how juvenile it is to deny a grown woman internet at will, for any and all perceived or imagined or even concrete-proofed slights. 

Schuyler is such a king. If only he could shoot his cuffs like Caleb I would be such a goner. Actually never mind, I am a goner most of the time. 

I had a birthday and declined all activities. It was one of those things. Maybe one of these years. I still miss the life I thought I had and it went by so fast and I was so busy and now the life is new and the years are different and the light is different and I don't know if I took a wrong turn somewhere back along the path and am close by but not quite or if this is where I'm supposed to be but it feels strange and different and new somehow. 

Schuyler said I felt different. Like the joy has been sucked out of the room again. He said some normalcy will help and then he found out I had no outlets suddenly save for him and that's when he swept house, pretty much. Everyone got a lecture with their piece of cake. 

Bridget, of course, has had cake for breakfast every damn day this week. It was delicious.

I just wanted to be yours.

Acceptance and affection are my currencies. I don't do any exchange, it's all at par and it's freaking expensive for you. Worse for me still as I can't put a price on the absolute value. It wanes like the sunbeams across the wooden floor, unpredictable new cats lounging in the warmth left behind. 

It's sweet, for sure but difficult too. Like that first time you make a calculated decision to change something because he likes it better and you want to please him. It makes him happy and the thrill you feel down between your shoulder blades when he smiles at you with unchecked delight is the reward for selling yourself out. That's a long race to the bottom and it's a race you should never put yourself in. You're not qualified, you haven't trained, and yet you know in the moment you're going to spend the remainder of your life chasing the high of that thrill like the best drug you never wanted but were given anyway. 

Oh, but his face when he smiles.  

***

The reason the pills went away wasn't because I was a zombie, even though I was. They would have left me locked in that cage forever. It was safer. It was easier. It was convenient and peaceful and stupid, that Bridget being a yes-man when she's been an obstinate nine-year old for her entire existence, all fifty-some odd years of it now. 

They went away for other reasons and I'll never let them do that again. 

Even if it means the smile fades like those sunbeams.

It won't. 

What if we just wait and see, Lochlan?

It won't. I told you and I mean it.

Chipmunks in the willows.

This little corner of the internet turned twenty on Friday. I would have posted but I keep opening my yapping trap and losing my internet privileges. The blog might be an adult now, but I don't think I ever will be, at least not to Caleb, who controls the flow of information out of the Collective most days, or to Lochlan, who can't be bothered to die on that hill, frankly and I don't blame either one of them. It's a blog, not a big deal really. A place where I overshare and foist my tiny frustrated opinions on everyone and you just take it. You read it and then you probably shake your head and get on with your day. 

Yes, imagine me in real life. This is why the boys need naps. 

Eighteen years ago I started writing my tiny, stupid opinions on things and telling you about my tiny stupid life from a tiny, stupid brick apartment building, in a crumbling-paint lead-lined fifth-floor walkup a park away from the main thoroughfare through the city. 

I took that all down. Then it became After Jake. 

Then it really became After Jake because he died and it took me (it's taking me, I mean) the better part of sixteen years to come to terms with the weight of that and how to walk and drag it along with me without becoming out of breath. 

That was three addresses ago that I started it. I just remember people kept hitting our car in the parking lot and that's how I met my neighbours, all decent people who would pitch in and help me with the kids on fire-alarm days, anyway. Then we bought the castle, and Trey (Cole) lost his shit and then he lost me and then he lost his life and I started writing like a joyful little maniac, thinking I had all the time in the world, never once turning around to see the freight train coming at me. Of course I never heard it either. I'm functionally deaf and the biggest faker you will ever meet, pretending all the time.

But there is never enough time. Twenty years goes by in the blink of an eye and I am trying and failing to ease myself back into the every day here but it's tough going because I had the wind knocked out of my sails and I don't fight with Caleb much anymore, I just let him shoulder the guilt as I turn away, tucking my shoulders in, putting my head down and going and finding something (or someone) else to do. 

I never said I was an angel. That was Lochlan's nickname for me. One of thousands. He still looks at me with rose-coloured pupils and for that I am eternally grateful. They all do. The zookeepers with their little monkey. The wolves with their feral forest girl. I never said I gave up any bad habits I just took a break from writing about them because with the inclusion of possibly two years of the worst medication I have ever been on, you would have thought it was a major Red Flag. Like last time. I get stoned and everyone shrieks that I am being taken advantage of so it's better not to say anything at all. 

It isn't them. It never was. It's me. All the time. I take the blame. I am the blame here, every day of my life. Brick by brick, letter by letter, pill by pill. 

Happy birthday, blog.

***

I am 1/4 into Yarn Harlot and it's...well? Upsetting. I have trouble reading about people who are wilfully irresponsible. Ironic, isn't it? I guess I hate reading about people who shove their kids aside and maniacally laugh about psychological issues. I have all sorts of those and I still gave my kids my all. I always will. I'm going to stick with it and then maybe burn it in the bonfire later this week. It's a weird navel-gaze, anyway. Maybe it will get better?

***

I finished Gypsy on Netflix. Thank God I watch these things on one and half speed, sometimes two, so as not to waste my own time. Everyone says the actors sound like chipmunks when I do that, but I'm just gleefully content not to have wasted over ten hours. I LOVE LOVE Naomi Watts. I want her to play me in the movie of my life but this was a terrible thing. She was bad, it was bad. Billy Crudup was amazing. It should have been a two hour movie with a murder. Then it would have been okay. Maybe. Maybe I shouldn't have watched it after Penguin Bloom, which was a full-on masterpiece. Doing the lord's work here, as always. 

***

Jacob would have loved the way Caleb uses the internet as a reward-based system to keep me in line. He would have laughed in that hoarse, incredulous Newfie twang that rang through the halls when something was that Oh-My-Fucking-God. He and Caleb would have probably killed each other by now if Jacob had been stronger. But he wasn't and so there's that. And I'm sorry this has been eighteen years of strife and misery but like I said, at least it's going along at a rapid clip. Just read it all in a chipmunk voice. It's what I hear when I picture you reading it out loud.

Radium paint and Closed for Lunch.

I'm having fun today with the Geiger counter (long story which I WILL TELL if you really want) and measuring everything from the WWI antiques with radium accents (to glow in the dark, like me now, I bet), drunk on exhaustion from staying up past midnight because Coachella. 

Coachella was amazing. But only from 10:45 to midnight and only on the Sahara stage. Then we switched to the mainstage and Lana Del Rey was singing, looking pissed off as ever. Is it shyness? Is she a snob? Lizzie never tells. Her voice is solid like a freight train, so that's that. Of course, it's easy to be steady on your notes if you don't move when you sing. 

That's never happened at an Ateez show. They ate. They danced. They had a blast and so did the audience. So did all of us tuning in from home. Even the boys, who got all excited when Bouncy and Crazy Form were performed. It was awesome. Turning all my metalheads into kpop stans because it's HAPPY. It's FUN. 

Don't get me wrong, metal is fun as fuck but this is a weird eternal-spring/first-love sort of happy feeling and what kind of music does that these days?

So I slept until nine this morning and then we did an inventory of groceries and supplies and made the Big List (this is done weekly to make sure we don't miss anything when we go out. The grocery and hardware stores and shopping in general is way down the highway. Gas is $2.20 a litre and rising and time is money, friend) and then I set to work figuring out if the Geiger counter actually works or if it's a novelty or a false sense of security, or worse, if it works perfectly and we are being irradiated incessantly out of our minds on a daily basis. 

We tried to go antiquing but in British Columbia nothing is actually old because *gestures* reasons and so we came home and for a Saturday everyone has scattered to the wind (like nuclear fallout) and that rarely happens.

Yeah, so we're watching Fallout. How about you?

Sam's lists.

Things I am sick of: "No worries" comments, solar eclipses, gas-powered outdoor landscaping equipment noise, waiting for paint to dry and the infuriating instant-cry that happens when I think about death. 

Things I am grateful for: sunshine and dandelions, pear blossoms (even if they do smell bad), handsewn patchwork, sleepy cats, and Ben's easy hands fixing the coffee grinder which otherwise sounds as loud as one of my nemesis outdoor equipment noises. I believe a bean fell down and got stuck in the sharp parts and it sounds like some kind of electric voodoo blender these days, and so he's having a look. 

This is of  no consequence to me, since I refuse to make fancy coffee and if no one is free these days I'll make instant but a scoop of instant mixed with a scoop of hot chocolate for a de facto mocha which is equal parts awful and delicious. 

So there. 

There's a house near us for sale for four million bucks. It is smaller than most, has two bedrooms and probably will be flattened to make room for a huge mcMansion right to the edges of their property line, which is three cliffs instead of one and not a good plan at ALL. I like the house but I don't want to own it. I am working hard to uncomplicate my life in the extreme and doing really good at it, frankly, including my finances. It was sort of the last hurdle as I do a refresh of sorts. A digital cleanse and organize to follow all of the physical ones that have taken place. 

It's bright enough today to work on the dark green socks I am knitting for Lochlan so off I go to drink some tea and remember that the world is beautiful and all of this is the important parts. The thoughts, dreams, sunny breezes and hot tea. The act of mindful work for a loved one. The gratitude list, playing like a mantra over the squiggly line that makes up my own unalome. The faded patio pillows against the fresh dark green grass and the noises ebbing at last as people hang up their tools, trading them for dinner utensils and quiet pursuits at sunset. 

I'll still burst into tears randomly but maybe I'm grateful for that too.

"Now that the lilacs are in bloom, she has a bowl of lilacs in her room." -T.S. Eliot

We were poking around thrift stores out in the valley on the weekend (Dalton and PJ are always on the hunt for what I lovingly call 'musical electronics' (old amps, guitars, heads, etc.) while Lochlan looks for vintage hand tools and I just look at everything, but I have my sights set on a 'nice' vintage Cowichan sweater for cold nights by the fire when a blanket and five men don't cut it but finding one in reverse colours (dark body, light colorwork) is a unicorn) and I found a copy of a book called Yarn Harlot. 

It seemed vaguely familiar. 

Stephanie's was one of the first blogs I ever read, and probably one of the reasons I started writing about my daily life. Something about a peek into someone else's home/day/routine/mindset is comforting, instructional and entertaining all at once. Sometimes we covet what someone else has. Sometimes we feel better about our own relationships, cleaning routine or feelings after reading about someone else's. It's invasive and voyeuristic and delicious, and I've never been one to demure about any of it, while all the while retaining my privacy to a degree that surpasses any level of reason. 

Anyway, I am one page in and I love it already. It was $4 on a shelf of otherwise terrible knitting pattern books and maybe the reason it called to me was to remind me that I have this outlet and I am not using it to the fullest? Or maybe to remind me of who I used to be? Excited to sit down, tell you everything, delete the worst parts (sometimes the best parts) and then hit publish as if I had completed my magnum opus, every single day. 

Sometimes it's been the only reason I got up in the morning and sometimes I used it to punish myself, the reminder that I haven't done anything to make myself famous or noteworthy, that those who do have a whole team of people lifting them up in the background and I definitely fall squarely into that category, believe it or not. 

I recently picked up my knitting again, probably a year ago now, a way to keep my hands engaged. I'm absolutely compulsive about my hands moving. If they're moving, they may as well be writing, drawing, painting, spinning, knitting, sewing, writing or forming clay. You can't always be touching someone, though that will forever and always be my first choice. 

I am now almost a couple of months out from the very last pill and physically things are starting to calm down. Emotionally I am the Pacific National Exhibition though, all thrills, chills, delight and horror all at once. That will calm down eventually, maybe now even, since the physical issues are ebbing. 

(I am also a couple months out from the heavy-handed and punitive internet embargo that infantilized me right back to the eighties, when the internet wasn't around but the boys' rules were just as miserable.)

So all that is to say thank you for sticking around. Somehow I think it was easier when I had that full-blown psychotic break and went to stay at the hospital with the locks on every door.  It was like speed dating. They pumped you full of drugs, asked a lot of questions, then immediately withdrew the drugs, asked many more questions and then suddenly I was home again. This was a years-long drawn-out ridiculous fugue state where I couldn't be anxious no matter how hard I tired but everything else went to shit. I laughed inappropriately at sad things. I got in fights because I couldn't empathize with the things that were important to others. I gained a lot of weight. I wasn't me anymore. 

I need to be me, or else who am I? 

And spring is a time of renewal and change and reassurance. The lilacs have their tiny buds bursting to come out, the nights are cool but warmer than before and it was light out last even until past seven-thirty, which I exclaimed with great delight in the moment, knitting in hand. I will always have my hands busy. I took my sewing box (it's a Turkish cookie tin) to bed last night and sat up in the middle between Lochlan and Ben with a cat and a flashlight in my lap and pieced together a patchwork cloth that I will then cut into to make a book cover for my paperbacks to live in as I read them (it keeps them nicer in my bag) and to remind me that physical books are as important to care for as my beloved kindle, and I did that until midnight and then I finally turned off my flashlight at midnight and slept until six-thirty. 

So normal. So invasive to tell you this. So looking forward to the lilacs this year.

Stop it.

I am continuing to struggle here and no, I'm not that Princess. And no, there are no good guesses when people think I'm writing under a pseudonym. I only did that professionally. This is just me and so you're reading about a regular princess here. One soaked in brine and regret and sometimes full on sillyness. I had another death to deal with, another realization that life is slipping by. I finished a book, missed a show I would have loved to have seen (Jon Foreman opened for someone here a week ago and I had no idea-this on the eve of the release of his latest solo effort, no less and WHY didn't someone tell me??) and am playing Catch Up and (sometimes to their alarm) am playing Don't Care too. Why? Trying to withdraw from some seriously serious medications have kicked me off the cliff. Doing it while dealing with death? Harder still. Do I want to talk about it? No. Do I need to? 

Maybe. 

I got four weird emails guessing I was the Princess of Wales. HA. Because easy enough to fake and especially since Canada is a country with a King. Right? Right? 

No? I'm sorry but that's dumb and I am me and you all know that. I cringe a bit when someone discovers y little corner of the internet and skips the whole middle part. I might know a lot of musicians, but as I said constantly, I am not famous. Are there Getty images of me? Nope. Are there press photos of me? Not recently. 

Is it cold and raining today? Yes, it is. Henry is home from California. He went with Caleb on a business trip. He had a great time and we're all sick now because he caught a cold on the plane even with a mask. So I am wrapped in a sweater with the heat up and the bag of Jalapeno Cheetos on the table while I knit and Netflix. Ha. Some princess I am.