Come-from-aways.

Every morning I wake up to boy-filtered news, thanks to the boys who send me links of interest and things I might want or need to know, or even just funny little things. They call it the Bridget News, and it's a roundup of links that I read each morning to get my take on the day.

Everyone sent only one link today. An ironic one, to boot.

Bob, what can I say? You were supposed to wait for me but apparently you grew tired of me chasing after painters, ministers and musicians. Didn't you see the trend? You were on the list and you've blown it now, mister. Congratulations and I hope she can keep up with you. I could have. Though Utah and I didn't get along so well, honestly, so you would have had to move here. It's okay, everyone comes here eventually. I collect people.

People like August, who came here and stayed because he and Jacob always liked the same things, and he has taken over the frustrated, appropriate outrage at all things Caleb, since Lochlan has apparently passed the torch and Ben is off working and pretending real life isn't real and fake life is. So my day yesterday, coupled with the fact that I had abruptly canceled dinner with August Monday night, was difficult. He made me wait over an hour for him for lunch yesterday and then sat there and ate and in between bites he ticked off a list of everything he doesn't like about me and everything I did Monday that was detrimental to my emotional well-being and everything Jacob had ever told him about the efforts made, once upon a time, to keep Caleb and I apart, be it on Cole's watch, or Jacob's or Lochlan's, or Ben's, of course, but we're still going under the assumption here that Ben is going to stick his head in the sand and wait me out because he needs to work and so he needs to focus.

The more August talked yesterday the more he simply turned into Jacob again. Only Jacob without wings and muscles on his muscles. Jacob without the curls mixed with straight. Jacob with a darker blonde crown and not-blue eyes. Jacob more laid-back and Jacob more objective.

I've gone down that road with August before. Letting him be Jacob in my head. I've done it with everyone, looking for one more moment with Jacob or with Cole, just a little more time. We know it's not a good idea. They are desperate to find comfort for me and I am desperate to have it.

Yesterday it caught up with me just enough and I finally stood up, picked up my bag and said a curt goodbye to him before the tears could completely ruin whatever thimbleful of composure I still possessed. I walked out and headed down the sidewalk and ran straight into Skateboard Jesus who asked if time was finally healing all wounds.

No, it doesn't change a damned thing, I said, and I kept walking. I walked all the way down past the University and I didn't stop until I was outside of a bridal shop with the most beautiful princess dresses in the window. White full tulle skirts and tiny embroidered roses, the kind of dress that would have been perfect for me only I've never had one like that, because like I told you before, my moniker has absolutely nothing to do with the high-maintenance type of princess label that gets cast about these days. I stood looking at the dress, oblivious to my surroundings until I felt hands on my arms and I thought Oh, no, I zoned out and someone's going to steal my bag and I was turned around to face August-Jake who told me he was glad he knew how bad things were and glad for my transparency of admission and glad that I don't keep my feelings inside ever.

I stood there and wondered who he saw, who he was describing because it wasn't me. It's easy to admit that you see dead love in every face and memories around every bend. Hell, that's child's play. It's the rest of what's in here that they should worry about.

I let him finish his thoughts because I won't lose another, I have my collection of wonderful hearts that form a fence around my broken one, sentries against further damage and I can't bear the thought of losing any more and so I suffocate all of them and I project and I rail against their good judgement and bad, too. I let him talk and then he asked what I had to say and I turned and pointed at the dress and asked once again where my fucking fairytale was.

Where is it, August? What's the holdup?

I don't know. I can only help but you won't let me.

I'm not your client, August.

No, you're my friend and I love you.

Then you need to not be yelling at me on the sidewalk.

It's okay, people think we're fighting over that dress.

I should just buy the dress.

What in the hell for?

For when Robert Redford comes to take me away from all this.

I think you've already been spoken for.

Ben will understand.

I doubt that.

Do you really?

Jesus, Bridget. Have you seen the way he looks at you?

Not recently.

You need a hobby.

I have one. It's men.

Stop joking around, Bridget.

I would but then I'll cry and you don't want to be the guy standing next to girl crying in front of the wedding dress of her dreams, do you?

I've been in worse places.

Are you running, too? Is that why you're here?

This isn't about me.

True. It's about an imaginary princess, isn't it?

No, it's about a girl and her friends.

Are you my friend?

One of the very best, I hope.

I thought you were in charge of keeping preacher's memories intact from my attempts to discredit him?

I'm in charge of keeping Ben and Lochlan apart so your life goes smoothly.

How is that going for you?

Pretty easy when Ben's away, actually.

Not for me.

I know, princess. But it will get better. The more he goes and comes back, the better you will do.

Now I know what you're in charge of, then.

What's that?

Encouragement and good vegan food.

Then next time you should eat something.

I will, I was too busy listening to your list of everything that was wrong with me.

Then you didn't hear a thing I said.

Your falafels were noisy.

He laughed. So loudly people turned and stared at this goofy couple standing in front of a bridal salon, the women with tears drying on her face and this man laughing, and they probably wondered what in the hell was going on.

It's okay, we wonder the same time sometimes. Actually most of the time. My circle has become a lazy oval and Robert Redford has finally killed my princess dreams for good.

Ben will be so happy.

Interest only.

I should be used to this by now. Caleb and his thousand-dollar suits and seven-hundred dollar shirts, his weekly haircuts and close straight-razor shaves that evolve into an incendiary threat to my fair skin with each point of contact. He activated the fluttering early in my hands by pretending to miss a cheek kiss and landing it just under my earlobe, a calculated, successful attempt to throw me off guard while he murmured appreciatively that my dress and killer heels were very pleasing to him. Ironically I chose that outfit specifically to throw him off, and as usual, I was lagging early on in the power struggle that we've come to define our adult relationship with.

I was an observer yesterday. Holding hands, ready with hugs and tissues as Ruth acted out quietly in the way she does when she doesn't know quite how to act, Henry checking and then mimicking her lead, hoping for cues to tell him what to do because he doesn't know. Perfect Uncle Satan deflecting everything smoothly with the promise of having phoned ahead to his favorite restaurant, securing a private dining room and arranging for an ice cream sundae bar, dropped just at the right moment as an incentive to find some happy in a sad day and they would toast with their silver spoons to giant pieces of their lives that are gone forever. I tried not to roll my eyes. He forgets the fallout from these kinds of extravagance. The sugar highs that only serve to magnify the hurt later on, that ice cream is a band aid, just like anything else.

But it wouldn't be important because he said he would stay until they were asleep and he kept that promise, even when Ruth came wandering downstairs close to eleven to make sure he was still there and he was, suit jacket flung over the back of the big easy chair, sleeves rolled up on now-wrinkled shirt, nightcap in one hand, Blackberry in the other. We've boiled life down to the occasional good dessert and keeping promises. Relationship dynamics and trust. The point people, a chart with retro-astro stars made of circles connected by straight lines to see how our own galaxy appears on paper and in our hearts.

I waited all day for the fear to trickle in and it didn't because he knows better, oh does he know better. Medicated just enough to not be able to hold my breath and yet still able to walk in those shoes was a nicer choice than trembling through the harder parts of the day without the lifeline of my guys, who were clutched in my hand in the form of Ben's old phone and Caleb only asked twice if I was ever going to put it down and I never answered him nor did I ever once put it down.

Sometime around four in the afternoon as the kids expressed their interest in more movie time, watching their father larger than life on the big screen, Caleb smiled and said he would cook, that we should keep watching. His excuse to round out the day, spending more time watching me than even I am used to and I'm sure every eyelash on my face and every freckle on my skin was inspected, catalogued and filed away for his future use. That's what they don't like, you see, the way he looks at me.

It's the same way Cole used to.

I know what he wants and he's not getting it, and we're going to be old and white-haired someday down the road and still doing this dance and I will win because he'll get tired first. I can get what I need, and not from him, and he's not having that same kind of luck and frankly I don't care. I left the focus on the kids and on the good parts of our memories of Cole and the rest can go fuck itself.

Last night it didn't seem like it's been only three years. It felt more like fifteen years, maybe that's because everything moves slower with Caleb. He's walking nerve gas to me and I have to fight to stay conscious because he brings out this horrible, animalistic craving in me to just give in and get what I need straight from God and Bridget's biggest enemy, only because it will be that much sweeter and I can just pay for it later. But now the tab is too high and I find myself working it off but not making a dent in the balance and at some point there will be an emergency plan invoked to help get it consolidated into something else but for now, for now it's still manageable. He is manageable. It's either the calm before the storm or the rare mellow Caleb that I could adore, save for the fact that he is probably the only person left on this earth who can destroy me without lifting a finger.

I don't like that, but I like that I'm done with yesterday and the children with their heads and hearts are still intact and the boys haven't killed Uncle One and I didn't add to Caleb's bag of tricks and eventually even this fluttering will go away.

Like Cole did.

Except not forever.

Today I have breakfast to go to with August, who was suitably Jake-angry last night when I cancelled our dinner plans with seconds to spare, because the Big Master Plan included his classic deprogramming, which consists of his counselor-rhetoric that I never really hear and his Jake-accent and Jake-sensibilities that helps bend me back the other way from exposure to too much Cole. I didn't get that because at that moment I needed more Cole and I wanted to be swallowed by the dark but I didn't, I just stood near the hole and looked down but of course I couldn't see a damned thing anyway, just the absence of light. And so I made another date because the delicious thrill of ice down my spine is enough cause for alarm and enough reason to explore why I'll put myself on the ledge for someone who isn't good for me and I'll have some crow for breakfast, choking on bones and feathers and being looked upon with horror.

It's funny, really. The pain is going to kill me, and my honesty is going to kill them. I told them I didn't care that they were angry so that they would know. I sounded my own alarm so that they would know and I endured the eight extra hours with the devil because I know.

You don't know.

The choices are not mine to make.

I don't know why I wrote this out. Maybe just because people wondered if I went off the deep end again and wound up with Caleb as monster, like after Jacob flew. I didn't, okay? Well, not that monster that he can be. I got the garden-variety everyday Caleb-monster. So you can relax.

Instead of being up early to run this morning, I was up early to let the puppy out, and I spent a small fortune in time with the newly risen sun and my thoughts and the cool still air of a summer morning. That sweatshirt-required cool dampness that burns off as the sun warms us? Love that part of the day. It reminds me of simpler times.

Or maybe everything just reminds me of everything else.

Three years ago today Cole took his last breath before my very eyes and I still haven't dealt with it yet. They had to peel my fingers off him, one by one and then my eyes and lastly my heart, but they left a huge piece stuck to him because they were in a hurry, you see.

I am not.

When I think about him I choke, swallowing back huge gulps of regret washed down with tears because of the way I have managed to vilify him for leaving. Because he was the smart one and I got tired of living on my knees and I did something so horribly selfish and destructive to my family that I still can't live with it but I got burned by it and in the end I think he got off easy and I am here to spend the rest of my life in emotional shackles as a punishment. As a curse. I shouldn't have done what I did but now the only choice left is to begin again. There's a lot of that around here. I always say I'll tear it all down and start from scratch, only it's not turning out the same. I can't rebuild it. It doesn't work so I get a little ways in and then I rip it down again. I need lessons. Time. Experience. Whatever, I don't even know anymore.

There were good things about him. Great things about him and there were awful things too, things he was driven to do because he couldn't control the incredible gifts he had, things he would live to regret when they became the platform upon which I would build my reasons for leaving.

I spent the early part of the morning talking to him. I've been awake for longer than I've been up, you see, with places to go and things to do and I brought a Maglite this time so I could see his face, so I had a focus on his dark blue eyes shot with red and his fingers now permanently curled into claws. Because he is the villain and I am the ghost and not the other way around. It's the only way I can picture us. I told him about the kids playing with the new puppy and part of his face broke off when he smiled, cracking and shattering on the floor like new porcelain. From the corner Jacob sent a beam and when Cole looked up again his face was whole but his eyes had further darkened into bottomless pools of blue unspoken emotions and I clicked the button on the light because my regret came flooding back in a tidal wave and I ran out of words and he screamed for me not to go but I had to. I had to because the fear of myself is so much greater than the fear of him.

Today we'll be going to the bench with Caleb, who is taking us out for a long brunch afterward and then to his loft for some home movies on his stupidly extravagant projection screen. The kids are looking forward to marking this day, though I don't even think they really remember Cole. How many memories do you have from when you were four and six? I mean, they remember who he was, but I don't think they really remember him.

I gave him this because I don't deserve any better. Three years in and I still don't know what to do with any of it. Not a clue. But last year I wouldn't have said it was okay to miss him and this year I am giving myself permission to do just that.

He snorts in his sleep just like I do.

Meet Bonham, a three month old Lhasa Apso/Bichon/Shih Tzu cross who weighs less than my big platform boots and sleeps more than Benjamin does, when he's home.

After Butterfield, the saga of The House that Needed a Dog returned with a vengeance, only I didn't have the heart to look for a dog and ignored it, just on principle. But Bonham came looking for me, and so we brought him home this afternoon and he fits in just like icing on cake.

Or maybe like peanut butter on Milk Bones.

(Bonham, for those not in the know, is for John Bonham, the late drummer for Led Zeppelin. I think that part will soften the surprise when Ben comes home since he doesn't know yet.)

Surprise, honey. Isn't he cute?

They'll be chanting GSP! GSP! by ten o'clock for sure.

It's one of those positively gorgeous days. It's lush outside, green and warm, and the air smells fresh thanks to the storms last week that washed away the rest of the grime that coats the city. We've cleaned up the branches and swept away the debris and noticed how much everything grew from the long drinks of Thursday as the rain never seemed to end. It was worth it to wake up to this. Yesterday was nice but the promise of today looms huge, blocking out everything else.

I have all kinds of plans, around a quarter of which will be accomplished, and the rest left to the wind.

I also have a little free time in my schedule for the next month at least, as I won't be running.

I will most likely switch to lifting weights instead. I kinda sorta totally broke a toe yesterday, smashing it head-on into a door frame while going into the kitchen. I stub my toes a lot in this house, there is some beautiful woodwork and the baseboards are all twelve-inch high works of art that extend two inches onto the surface of the floor as well. You have to give them space and I always seem to miss. I thought it was stubbed and I would be fine but walking for the rest of yesterday was tough and I still can't put weight on it today. It's turned a lovely black and purple and I will take a picture of it for you and post it so you can enjoy how wonderfully I bruise.

Like a newborn star as seen through the Hubble telescope.

So that's three, if you add in the fall on the steps two weeks ago and February's head trauma in the garage when I wiped out on the ice and knocked myself out cold on the floor.

I think my house is trying to kill me. All it needs really is to time opening the dryer door while I'm facing the furnace and it will be all over for me. Seriously. It's like Kill House, only my house is way nicer and my life far less cheesy. At least I hope so.

Snort.

In other news, it's Fight Night. Where my house fills up with testosterone and beer and then it foams out under the doors and over the window sills and you can hardly breathe for all the flexing muscles and shameless intent. I'm an odd girl, I love the UFC. Go Lesnar and Dalloway! Wooo!

Caffeine-free princess.

It's official.

I have no vices left.

Okay, maybe I have one. But even that has been removed at present.

I don't drink pop anymore. I don't smoke anymore. I never did drugs past the barest of experiences (Shhhh). I don't have a gambling habit. I don't eat too much. I don't have a shopping problem or a candy addiction (PJ, be quiet!). I drink a glass of wine or a cooler when so moved, like once a week or less and really, I'm about to enter middle age as the poster child for healthy living.

Which is funny, really. When Cole and I got our first apartment I happily lived on Kraft Dinner and Jack Daniels, and when we had a few dollars, I would have McDonald's for dinner. I extolled the virtues of being able to choose for myself and put my physical well-being on the back burner in favor of tipsily hitting the dance floor five nights a week and chasing the hangover with some deep fried food the next afternoon, or whenever it was that I would wake up. Heading in large groups to various cottages only meant we'd trade the dance floor for midnight swimming and the fried food would be replaced with delicious things grilled on the barbecue.

Life is different now. Jack Daniels is rarely welcome and Kraft Dinner causes gastric issues since I haven't really been able to handle dairy products in large quantities for years. Smoking gave me headaches and cost a staggering penny, and pop is fizzy and makes me have to pee all the time, and ask any of the guys, I pee enough. Christian says it's like having a perpetual potty-training child around, every place we go I scout for the nearest washroom, just in case. Whatever happened to my teenage aversion to icky public washrooms had to be hung up as I realized any place was better than holding it in.

I think I have veered off my point.

What the hell was it? Oh yes.

I quit coffee this morning.

Not really cold-turkey, over the past few weeks I've been tapering off slowly, down from more than 40 ounces a day. I cut out the afternoon cup first and staggered through days and days of narcoleptic moodiness. Then I began to drastically reduce the morning cup until I was down to 10 ounces and finding that I still had lots left in the late morning as I ignored the cup and went about my day.

This morning I didn't have any at all. It's 9:30 and I'm ticking along on my regularly scheduled Friday and I don't miss it. My father calls it liquid pesticide. It was never more than a crutch anyhow and the fact that my headaches and anxiousness have dissipated all together leads to me to believe I've done the right thing.

At least I hope it's the right thing.

(If you see me writhing on the sidewalk later clutching my head in agony, for heaven's sake run to the nearest Starbucks and save my life!!)

Now, about that last vice. I'm kidding. There is no Friday porn entry because as you can see, my husband is still AWOL. DAMMIT ALL TO HELL.

I will live, I guess. Caffeine-free, no less.

Drop names like rain.

I always listen to the Allman brothers (at the Fillmore East) when I get tattooed and I listen to Pink Floyd when it rains. My boys have raised me well. I listen to heavy masters jazz through the open window of my vintage neighbors when we walk and I listen to Norwegian speed metal (all kinds) when I clean the house. I fall asleep to Phish and make love to Tool. I'm very picky, I guess.

This house alone is a full-time job, I think. Though the work was outside as we had the mother of all storms this morning. The street became a lake and I put on my slicker and went outside with the big sharp shovel to clear my adopted storm drain, and then the one across the street, too, since I was completely soaked within seconds, and because my neighbors are lazy (and dry!). I wore my sauconys, I'm afraid they won't recover and I'll be in my vibrams this winter. Not sure if that's good or bad, maybe it's just brave. But I did it because it's MY storm drain and it's MY branches and leaves stuck in it from MY yard and MY street, even though I faithfully clear it every time I do any yard work at all.

Once everything dried, we took the kids on a short walk to see the muddy high creek and pick clean wildflowers and then returned to sweep the patio, check all the gutters and assess any further damage. There are roofing trucks parked up and down the street now, and people who thought they had some problems before with their roofs now have emergencies. I don't have an emergency. I got a new roof for my birthday and my house was bone-dry after the storm save for one tiny leak on the north side behind the washing machine. I can deal with that, this house is ninety-five years old and very gracious in her old age.

Lochlan has been the gatekeeper this week, and it's going well. My new routine is to get the kids into bed and then I crawl underneath his arm and fall asleep until Ben calls for a second time and then if I'm lucky I can pick up where I left off and Lochlan is beginning to complain that he is too old to sleep on a couch and he misses his big spendy bed so he gets a pass and I will torch PJ instead with the heat of my nightmares and the damp fear of my dreams. PJ figures sleeping anywhere but home is cause for excitement. The kids just love the fact that he eats all the Froot Loops Ben keeps buying but is never home to eat.

Oh, and when the sun comes out we listen to Switchfoot. Surfing noise from the surfing boys.

Works for me.

Five to three.

Fitful dreams in the heat of Lochlan's arms where I fell asleep in spite of myself last night drove me to the caves underneath my heart. It hasn't rained in a while so there were no puddles to splash through to heed my arrival. I walked slowly, feeling my way with my hands outstretched in case I tripped, the concrete is broken and wedged up along the way. It's a treacherous walk.

I make it to my room and throw the bolt again, an action I can do in my sleep now, twisting it slightly to break the rust. I pull the ring and then automatically wipe my hands on my skirt. The door opens and I call his name because I don't see him.

Jake.

God turns on the glow light. My dead husband is a Playskool toy. Squeeze him and he lights up. Only I can't squeeze him. I can't touch him. Cole screams from the rafters and my eyebrow goes up slightly in bemusement and fear, too.

He's angry.

Why?

It should be his time right now.

It is. That's why I'm here. I can't do this on my own, so you're being prewarned.

Where is everyone?

Away.

Now? Have they forgotten?

I don't know. I don't ask.

Cole bellows in agony and a fine cloud of dust descends, settling in my hair, giving a haze to the air that magnifies the glow and makes it hard to see. I call up to him.

They didn't forget, I think they're just waiting to see what happens!

He stops and considers this and Jacob begins again.

Will you be coming here?

Yes.

You shouldn't, Bridget.

I don't care.

I smooth my filthy skirt again with one hand, trading my contraband to the other fist and he watches me.

What is that?

Nothing. Just a worry stone.

May I see it?

No.

Perhaps next time.

Cole snarls and Jacob puts a hand up toward him and turns his gaze to what I can't see.

Black wings disturb the air, flapping indignantly and Cole is somehow quieted. They've been communicating again. I like it when they do that. Makes things feel safer to know that they are safe together. It's such a tiny room. I can't do any better right now.

When are you coming on Monday?

Five in the morning. Do you have other plans? Does it matter?

I need to prepare.

Ice-cold blood in my veins.

Will you be here, Jake?

Of course I'll be here for my princess.

Will you..will you switch places for a little while for me?

He turns his head and points again and I see that there's a wooden chair in the right hand corner of the room. I couldn't see it in the dark. He has Jesus beams that blow out of his broken fingers. It's like a superhero talent down here.

Thank you.

I didn't put that there.

Yes, you did, princess.

I look up and strain to see Cole's face in the dark. Jake sends some light his way, not enough to burn him, just enough for me to get his attention.

Will you talk to me on Sunday overnight?

He nods, sullen and rebellious.

I'll see you then. His voice suddenly overrides the screeching monster sounds that crawl out of his throat and he speaks to me clear as day. I always look forward to time with you.

It's been a year since he has said so many words to me down here and my breath catches and chokes me. I stand up slowly and turn to step carefully through the door, not willing to trip like last time. Once safely on the other side I turn back and as the door swings closed I notice they have already taken their positions, Jacob is sitting in the chair and Cole is standing in the center of the room, the backlighting from Jacob's glow giving him an impressive, daunting presence.

I spin the bolt, whisper that I love them both and take off down the hallway before the darkness closes in. When I emerge into the bright light again I look down at my hand. Clutched in my dirty fingers is the case from an old pocket watch. Inside are two locks of hair. One is a warm golden brown, tied with a thin black velvet ribbon. The other is white golden and tied with a ribbon of blue. No one knows I have this, and no one ever will.

My kids were glued to the screen, I was glued to the table (stop laughing).

Yay! I got the zap glue off my fingertips, long enough to touch the laptop and let you know that the last baby peregrine falcon chick has fledged. She took her sweet time. Thanks, CBC!

Synonym toast.

Well there ain't nothing wrong with the way she moves
Scarlet begonias or a touch of the blues
And there's nothing wrong with the look that's in her eyes
I had to learn the hard way to let her pass by

Henry popped downstairs this morning and asked for synonym toast. I think he meant cinnamon, but he's just like his mother and found a way to stand out in the crowd of two in the kitchen.

It's okay. Yesterday as we were driving downtown, I was narrating my usual mix of kid-friendly expletives at other drivers and pointing out neat things and at a long stoplight I said Oh look, a hipster boy with a manbag and a jaunty floral scarf. Ruth gazed at him until the light turned green and then said Awkward.

I laughed for the remainder of the day, I think.

Yesterday we filled up on library books and I snagged a copy of Living with the Dead which made me squee virtually the whole way home. I didn't crack it last night, my eyes were far too heavy by the time Ben called for the final conversation of our day. He said he was craving my lip gloss and my hair for a security blanket and he was tired. That he was back in his hotel and he told me about his afternoon and what he ate for dinner and he asked how long it took Ruth to fall asleep after he talked to them at bedtime and if I was doing any more drawing that I could scan in for him and he said he loved me.

I said I loved him too.

Good day?

Yeah, it was, actually.

A looking in view.

Her footsteps creak the floor
The shadows give away
Someone outside the door
Won't let him in

Here's a bunch of stuff. The brain is being emptied, it's Monday. I like Fridays better.

American Eagle Outfitters is having a sale, just FYI. Plus buy three things and get free shipping. I love their v-neck t-shirts so I ordered three. Two black, one teal. One says East Coast, which yeah, I'll be living in that one for the rest of my life. Girls with gardens to weed can't wear dresses all the time, you know. Also, horseback in a dress? I could probably pull it off, but I'm not sure that I want to.

Before Ben left he put a star map application on my phone. I saw Vega last night and snorted ginger ale out my nose. Vega. They should have sent a poet. I should pull that movie out and watch it again, it's that good. Instead last night we watched half of Pineapple Express and all of I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry because I may or may not have a crush on Kevin James. (Fine, I do.) Then I tossed and turned all night. I don't sleep well alone. Ben called four times and I still couldn't muster up enough comfort for a whole night so darn it, I'll have to muddle through.

I think I can muddle through, it's sunny and beautiful out. My grass is growing. The flowers have bloomed, and really I can't think of someone who is more blessed right now than I am. In spite of my efforts to prove that I am nothing of the kind.

Also, FYI for the Alice in Chains fans out there, did you hear it yet? Oh my God, AWESOME! Bravo, boys.

Charm? Right there beside 'Airplane Mode'.

It was one of those Sundays when the sun was too hot, the drive was too long and the nerves were too frayed to play nice except for in front of the children. Otherwise we were prone to throwing insults to the wind, cursing under our breath at each other, slapping steak spice and barbecue sauce on the ribs as they cooked and generally slamming cutlery around in a sort of angry tango. The after-meal walk was more of the same, with Ben stalking ahead of me through the woods, talking to the kids intently, wisely choosing to ignore my mood. Not sure if the emergency of him leaving changed things or if my declaration that he was being a jerk wore him down (it probably surprised him) but by the time we returned to the house he had his arm around my shoulders and I had my customary position with one fist curled around the back of his shirt at the waist.

And then he smiled and grabbed his pack and kissed the kids and I followed him outdoors into the glare of the sun once again, head still splitting from the stress of waiting for this moment, and he kissed me and followed Christian to the truck, headed for the airport, back to work, back to routine, back to a scaled-down version of life on the road but not because there's no bus and seven minutes down the road from the studio is a place that makes even better ribs. He should know, he'll eat them every single day.

Here's the weird part. My bad mood? (Aside from wishing he didn't have to fly out again) Saturday night got away from me and I followed some of the boys onto the vodka train and then fell asleep late, waking up with nightmares of living in Sussex facing a dike, not concerned for the floods but for the small-town mentality and the fact that the apartment we had leased was still full of furniture that wasn't ours. I woke him up with my unconscious hyperventilating and so we didn't get any sleep. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

He said we were sharing, He was hung and I was over.

As usual, he is right.

Snort.

The blank slate.

I try to save you but I can't
Find the answer
I'm holding on to you
I'll never let go

I was waiting to fill my backpack. A good book, a drawing pad and a few pencils. My favorite jeans and clean shirts and a warm sweater with a hood. A rain shell and a wooden comb. A tiny box to hold my hairpins and my ring while I sleep. My violin case lashed to the front of the pack for when I play and a jacknife dangles from one of Jake's old carabiners. There's a forgotten house key at the bottom of the pack and if I'm lucky a granola bar with chocolate chips.

My phone is in my pocket with my headphones and my glasses are on my face. They're spotted with rain and smudgy but I haven't noticed yet. Hearing aids, check. I'm wondering if I should wear two braids or one or just tie a knot at my neck and let my hair go halo like it always does. Starting out combed smooth and then escaping in wisps all throughout the day until I look like a lunatic at dinner. And shoes. I'll never be able to pick shoes but if I had any say it would be the FiveFingers, though I'll probably be vetoed in favor of something with ankle support for the hard parts.

From here on out it's food/sleep/comfort/experience. Or so I expected, in the beginning. The endurance race that I put off forever, delaying, never starting out for fear of going to the wrong place with the wrong people, or maybe hating it. The perpetual gap year that somehow got lost in a shuffle of appointments for tires and bloodwork, homework, grocery lists and clean sinks.

It wasn't mandatory and I've found that what I thought I needed in my pack isn't enough for any more than a year proper anyway. It just isn't.

And so on this long weekend at the farm I didn't pack sparingly, and I didn't pack like a college student going on the life-changing trek.

I packed like a mom, and a hurting one at that. A magic bag. Iodine, because we always get great ghastly splinters in the barn and on the split-rail fences by the paddock. The book Ben got for me, The Time Traveler's Wife, because I read like a hungry masochist, such inappropriate things and he's not a slave to herstory, as he says. Cappuccino! Because I still need caffeine in the morning or I'm going to become a social pariah, nodding off when I should be sparkling. Warm socks because at night my feet get cold and let me tell you, I look damn cute buck naked with striped blue, purple, and green fuzzy knee socks on.

Okay, so maybe I packed like an aging stripper. My point is it's not about the big trip, the once in a lifetime adventure, no sir. It's about the little things. The little things like the cherry lipgloss I brought because it was in the pocket of my bag with my keys. Ben ate it this morning but promised to replace it when we go back to the city on Sunday. I got a little thrill that shivered up my spine with the promise of a trip to the drugstore where they have a wall of lipgloss for people with the same kind of weird tactile addiction to tubes full of glittery fake-flavored chemicals that I have.

I might be really adventurous and try the papaya one. Who knows? The world is my oyster, after all, and the experience of that will count for everything in the end.

Peach, definitely. Or maybe strawberry.

Okay, strawberry.

Tangerine?

I'll have to let you know. I can't make up my mind.

Hello Hurricane this October.

NEW!

Not my video (I haven't been in California recently) but it kicks ass all the same.

If you find me face-down in a bowl of Cheerios, at least wipe off my chin, okay?

The upside of cutting my coffee consumption by 75% over the past week and a half is that the anxiety issues are a lot better as of late. Or maybe life is just teaching me how to roll with the punches via experience.

The downside? The narcolepsy. It's bac-

Zzzzzzzz.

Red-eye.

At eleven last night the doorbell rang. I was already asleep, curled up on the couch under Lochlan's arm while he read a book, phone on the table waiting for the call that never came.

If you live in a city and the doorbell rings late at night, you panic. It doesn't happen. Home invasion? Emergency? Bad news? All the boys either have a key for the back door or call first and I meet them at the door. I never hear that bell. I'm sure it still has Cole's fingerprint on it and possibly Jake's too.

Lochlan told me to stay put (FAT CHANCE) and he went to check. He looked through the window and let out a huge laugh and swore and then threw the door open and walked away.

There were my brown eyes and the smile I like to stick my fingers in the sides of because I hardly ever see it. Lurch goes the heart and everything magically stops hurting.

BEN!

Woke up the kids, who came booking down the front stairs sleepily and they got hugs and Ben said tomorrow there would be presents and he took them back to bed and tucked them in because love is thicker than blood and he said he was sorry he missed bedtime. They quieted instantly, Lochlan packed up his things and slipped out, to his own house down the street and within ten minutes it was just Ben and I, standing in the front hall smiling at each other.

You big jerk. Why didn't you call?

I was busy working as hard as I could so I could come home, bee. Hell, I married a Canadian girl, I have to be here for Canada Day.

He said if you didn't call-

I haven't had that many pucks to the head. I called him first and let him know I was on the way. Everything's fine.

Everything is NOT fin-

He grabbed my head in his hands and looked right into my eyes, crinkling his up in a further smile. Most people I know smile and their eyes get warm but don't change shape, Ben's go from big black circles to mirthful half-moons. It's amazing. His whole face is handsomely comical when he wants it to be.

It's okay, bumblebee. I'm home.

I nodded and he let go and pulled me into his arms, squeezing hard. Holding on.

We'll figure this out. We've been through worse, bee.

Right, so now we should catch a break.

I love what I do. Besides, I have to put food on the table.

So be a farmer.

If I'm plowing who will sing to you?

And based on the fact that we both found that too funny to continue, rest assured that we went to bed where I inhaled enough airplane-fuel-smell to leave me downright queasy today and we slept hard, waking up together in a lazy tangle that we were reluctant to sort out.

On that note, Happy Canada Day.

See what I did there? I circled back in error. Have to try breadcrumbs next.

The battle you picked was so one-sided.
Now dependent on me, the one you invited.
Beg, plead, scream.
For redemption, for forgiveness.
Beg, plead, scream.
Sorry, I'm not listening.

I have a sharpie headache from drawing in the truck, PJ looks like he's ten years old without a beard and I have this uncontrollable urge to keep offering him freezies and it turns out only Caleb was wearing Tom Ford, which clung to me like shame today.

The best line of the morning?

If I wanted to kill her, she wouldn't be here right now.

Nice. Thanks, boys. Luckily they all managed to keep the focus where it belonged this morning and I got to soak up the excitement of being less than ten years old and knowing you have the entire summer stretched out ahead of you like a blank slate. Even though when I wasn't in the ocean or lying on the picnic table watching fireworks and fireflies I would be hidden somewhere with a book. Surprise. Little has changed. It seems like I have a set list of activities that I do now and I'm going to have to work hard this summer at managing play dates and being available for the kids in ways I don't have to do when they're in class.

And I had a treat last evening. A grown-up treat. Caleb came over to spend some time with us and he made mac and cheese with the kids and read some Harry Potter to them (we are still slogging through the Goblet of Fire) and then put them to bed with the flourish only a blood uncle can provide (which doesn't say he's better than anyone else, he simply brings more of Cole to them. If you think that doesn't mean a lot then go away, please.) and they were asleep in minutes, content with Caleb's handling of parenthood and as a reminder of their father as only children can be. They know what they want, they're at the age where they make their voices heard.

Once they were tucked in, one light left on upstairs and windows and curtains closed against the cool night, Caleb got to work impressing me. Spoiling me by pouring wine and pulling a barstool up to the counter so I could sit and talk with him while he cooked ME dinner. Ahi tuna steaks and asparagus and garlic bread and freshly-baked chocolate cake special-ordered from my favorite bakery. Caleb doesn't cook as a rule, he's content to order in and keep the bare minimum on hand but he keeps this talent up his sleeve because his mother always taught her boys that they should have these skills. Amazingly Cole cooked some of my favorite foods and he could do it blindfolded so I knew Caleb would be able to pull it off.

He did. Since the kids were asleep we could eat at a leisurely pace with no interruptions. After the cake I placed my napkin on the table and savored the last mouthful of wine and when I opened my eyes he was smiling at me. That's when the night was ruined.

Do you understand the kind of life I could give you and the children, Bridget?

I nodded. I did his bookkeeping. I know what he has.

I don't think you do.

It doesn't matter. Once again, I married someone else. Better luck next time.

Your flippancy barely masks your misery, princess. Speaking of which, has Ben called?

Nope.

Oh, that's interesting.

No it isn't. He's working.

And?

And? And I make things difficult.

Is that what he tells you.

That's what I tell me.

What does Ben say?

That it's hard and he's tired and he doesn't want to wear himself out and start making poor choices.

So if he comes home he'll drink and this will be your fault.

No. Not like that. Well, I don't know.

Tell me, does anything with Ben ever change?

Let's talk about something else.

No, let's talk about how the man now claiming my brother's family for himself doesn't have his act together any better than he did before rehab.

You don't know Ben the way I do.

I've seen you two fight.

I'm not asking for your input.

Do you want me to set him straight, Bridget?

You leave him alone.

He'd never fuck up again.

Oh, like you did with your brother? See how well that worked, didn't we?

That was different. Cole had issues.

Oh, we all have issues, Cale. Jesus Christ. Ever look in a mirror?

Touche. My offer stands. When you're done with your 'character building', call me and we'll make arrangements.

See, that's why you're lonely. People deciding to spend their lives together don't 'make arrangements'. Love is not a business decision.

It is when there are financial interests that need to be protected.

I don't want your money, Caleb.

And that's why I'm lonely, princess. You're the only one not in it for the money.

I can't help you with your problems.

Then just take what you need.

Oh, here we go.

Discretion is an art-form, Bridget.

Not in my world.

Your world is a strange place. We keep more secrets than anyone I know.

And it's killing me.

Then you'll be a beautiful corpse.

I already am and now it's time for you to go.

I got up and stood waiting. Caleb took his time, piling dishes to carry into the kitchen. Then I followed him to the front hall where he collected his suit jacket. He put it on, shot his cuffs (which slays me every single time) and then he stepped toward me. I was expecting a cheek or forehead kiss and instead he wrapped his hand around my throat and pushed me into the wall.

I can take the pain away forever. Just pick up the phone when you get tired of marrying immature romantics who can't look after you because they can't look after themselves and I'll fix everything.

And then he kissed me. A great, crushing razor-burned kiss that left my cheeks and my sensibilities burning and I put my hands up and shoved at him and he didn't budge.

I thought you were going to be kind.

Oh, I am being kind, princess. This night could have gone rather badly for you.

Jesus, Caleb, you were here to see the kids.

No, Bridget, I was here to see all three of you. Don't think I'm not keeping an eye on everyone involved this time. Jacob may have kept me out of the loop but Ben isn't nearly that bright. Too many pucks to the head, perhaps. But overall he's doing okay. Surprised me most of all. I thought he would crumble ages ago. So maybe things are to be left alone for now. For now.

You speak like you have a say in the matter.

Pay attention, princess. I've had the final word for a while now.

He walked out the door then, and I saw the headlights come on as Mike started the car and slowly edged up in front of the house before putting the car in neutral and coming around to open the door for his boss.

Caleb stopped at the car and turned.

If Ben doesn't call by tomorrow evening when the children go to bed I want to know.

I nodded, even though I doubt I would have to tell him. He'll know anyway. Maybe before I do. That's the funny thing about blackmail. If I could do something about this I would but I can't.

Did I mention I hate beard-shaving season?

It's the last day of school. By lunchtime my kids will officially be in grades 5 and 3. Holy Hannah. I'm headed to the school shortly with the hunkles to see the kids graduate from their grades. Not a big ceremony but parents were invited to watch them get their extra-curricular certificates so I am taking as many guys as are free today which isn't a whole bunch but more than enough, actually.

Shortly the gym is going to reek of testosterone and Tom Ford aftershave.

Should be fun.

More later.

Elvis on the radio.

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine

Last night was one of those curtains-open, lights blazing, dirty dishes all over the kitchen kind of nights. I made dinner for ten and the kids were in bed early, tired from all the craziness, worn out from fresh air. We sat and talked around the living room until late into the night, Elvis Presley crooning from the radio, Johnny Cash filling in on set breaks. It was cool and breezy and I left all the tiny white lights on inside and out when I went to sleep because I like them best when pitch black night comes and the universe parries down into just the black, the lights and the near-constant ringing of the big wind chimes I can hear through my bedroom window.

In my head I turned out the lights with the giant movie shut-down click-ratchets. One by one by one. There are six strings of twenty-four and each one takes 4 seconds to turn off. It takes turning them off in my brain seven rounds before I can't remember what I'm counting and I fall asleep.

That's not so bad. It used to take longer.

I have Ben's ring again. Keeps my hands busy with the heavy smoothness of it. Brings him back to me in my head. I was showing it to Jacob this morning. I held it out from my perch on the door ledge so he could remember it, held it up in one tiny quavering hand and he told me it was nice. He told me I should put it on a cord and wear it as a necklace since it's far too large for my fingers and I might lose it. That was a good idea, I never would have thought of that.

Surprise.

Oh but I could be so bitter.

Trying. hard. not. to. be.

Worse than the twilight homesickness that takes over every night after dinner for pretty much every single night of my life, a weird twinge, gone as fast as it arrives is that empty feeling when Ben goes away.

The first trip was over and done before I could register, the promise of regular commuting being the free pass that was supposed to make this painless and uneventful. Only with the first short return and subsequent six hours of driving, (WHICH WAS HIS IDEA) Ben is too tired to do this and he said as much as he was walking to the gate tonight.

I can't get back until next week, he said.

He knew and he didn't tell me because I'm a belligerent, spoiled little girl. I would have given him a hard time, I would have asked him to come anyway because this is about me. Only it's not and he goes off and shuts down this part of his life to make it easier for himself to work and focus and not worry about Bridget because Bridget is worrying about Bridget and there's no redundancy in ignorance.

So fuck it.

Just fuck it.

Argh.

When it rains we catch up on movies.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

I firmly believe that hearts speak through music, because they don't have a voice of their own. Sort of like how Bumblebee plays the car stereo to talk to Sam in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and how Glen Hansard sorted out his life in Once. Or maybe my weekend simply had a theme. Music as heart. It's always been something that makes perfect sense to me but I can openly appreciate the...uh...cheesier aspects of life as easily as you'll make your disdain for them known.

In other news, wet wooden painted steps and Bridget in a hurry always equal bad things and I took one hell of a fall yesterday. So Ben was reduced to very incredibly gentle missives last night so as not to make anything hurt and that is so not fun in the way I like my fun to be had. Gentle? Fuck that. Tenderly? No, thank you. Softly? Move along now. Ignore it and go for broke? Yes, please!

But he doesn't listen to my head. Just my heart. It sings so much louder. For that I'm always appreciative.

The notion of a heart to wrap around.

Waking up at the farm this morning was the salve on the open wound that is my life. Ben flew in yesterday afternoon, trading a case full of dirty clothes for the case full of clean ones I had already packed and we were off, latching the kids into the backseat of the truck and headed off down the rainy highway to Nolan's farm.

We got here around seven-thirty last evening and Nolan ladled up some of his beef stew with buttered rolls that warms me better than the fires he builds and my eyes were so heavy I think I barely registered Ben pulling me to my feet and walking me to our room at the end of the hall. I'm sure I registered the part when he undressed me and pulled the quilt up to my neck and then he went and took a shower because for some reason when he flies now all we smell is airplane fuel afterward. Like he's a sponge soaking up the smell of travel and it's not pretty. I think I smelled soap in my dreams though, that's good.

This morning it's still raining heavily, too wet for a comfortable trail ride or even an umbrella walk but we were up fairly early to relieve Nolan of his morning chores in exchange for the safe refuge and hopefully the weather will clear before we have to leave here. I don't want to leave here, I think I could happily draw a line in a lazy oval shape around this property from the tree up by the Kentucky rail fence where the driveway begins to the picnic rock by the stream on the other side of the pasture and burn the line right through until we separate from the rest of the planet and drift away into outer space.

But only once the boys are here. I couldn't be without them. They were sweet this week too. Lochlan watches over us at home and August tried and failed magnificently at being less like Jake and won the mother of all meltdowns when he came over for dinner on Thursday and tucked into his food like he hadn't eaten in days and it was a flashback to something wonderful that's gone. Gone but not forgotten. Gone but missed every second of the day, gone and not coming back so stop finding him in everything. August has had to pick up a lot of the emotional slack that Joel used to manage and Ben still can't manage, and for gosh sakes, Bridget doesn't manage but Joel is still forbidden fruit and August is still too much like Jake and really, all I could do was count the seconds in the minutes and the minutes in the hours and after 25,000 seconds and then some Ben was home and August wasn't Jake anymore and no one blamed me for what has become a trend of late. Miss Jake? Find August.

It can be worse. Miss Cole? Find Caleb.

I never said I was healthy in those areas. I'm probably a lot less healthy and a lot more twisted than I would lead you to believe. And I refuse to hide behind missing Ben or being afraid he will never come back (bad things, they happen in threes!) to have my bad behavior excused so easily. No, I seek them out and I take what I want and it makes me feel better for a few thousand of those precious waiting-seconds and then it makes me feel a whole hell of a lot worse on the other side because it magnifies the truth and the truth burns like hot iron.

But for now, nothing burns. The fire is out and I'm watching Ben wash dishes and when he's done I'll go over and stand on his feet and he'll put his arms around my head and I'll put my cheek against his chest to get the reassurance of the pulsing heart inside and then we'll have to find something to do because card games are getting old and it doesn't look like the sun will shine today.

It's okay. I don't need it to.

The halo is for radar. Bridget-radar.

The door is like any door you would see in a place like this.

Wooden with iron supports and a throw bolt the size of my arm, underneath which rests a pull ring I can fit both hands around, which is good because I need all my strength to pull this door open. It swings out, into the hall where water drips like the slow burn of rage and the bare light bulb illuminates exactly nothing.

He sits inside, in the center of a windowless room. The walls, floor and ceiling are concrete, of the kind built by hand. Layers that appear straight but probably aren't, and more standing water in puddles all around him. His beautiful white wings are folded close to his back, almost glowing in the oppressive dim. His head is down, hands clasped around his knees, naked and dirty save for the wings which serve to provide dignity as well as glory.

I speak and he doesn't answer. He only briefly raises his head in acknowledgement before returning to his private hell within this hell. Save for the fact that his knuckles have gone white I would believe that he doesn't really know I'm there.

That's as far as I ever get into the room because always and without fail the music cues up, the screaming distorted guitars, beautiful folk melodies barely audible, tangled with power chords that throw my progress off. The other one descends so quickly I only have time to raise my hands up in front of my face and I feel the darkness complete as his wings brush my hair and knock me back.

One black feather hovers in the air in front of me before dipping back towards the floor.

He screams in my face, an inch from me and I feel the heat of a thousand suns on his breath but I don't recognize his voice because it comes out in seven octaves of sound that washes over me in a drone. It doesn't appear to have come from his mouth but instead from his mind perhaps. I scream back and he stops and turns, because the angel with the white wings stands up now, casting light into all corners of the room, burning the flesh off the black angel who reacts by unleashing another thundering, unholy bellow before returning to the safety of his high perch.

Go back, the white angel says and he smiles gently. This is an order, not a suggestion.

I don't want to, I tell him. Jacob, I'll take you back with me!

I reach forward to take his hand, maybe I can pull him out of here, maybe I can somehow sneak him away from this place. And then in the light I see that all around his face is blood and there is just empty blackness where the back of his head used to be. His arms are bent at funny angles and his back isn't really doing anything at all. He's a bag of bones held up with his magnificent love for God and locked in this hideous purgatory with Cole because I won't let them go anywhere else.

He shakes his head and doesn't say anything but I hear him so clearly inside my head.

Go back, Bridget. I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm blown back to the other side of the door, falling over the threshold and landing on my ass. The door creaks with a huge heavy sigh and slams shut. I run back down the hall in the sketchy light, splashing through the puddles until I reach the sunlight at the end of the tunnel and...

I'm awake.

Old habits die hard.

So hold your breath and make a wish for me

It's Thursday and today will be Godsmack day. And did you hear I'm quitting coffee?

Yes, finally, Jacob.

Well, I'm down to twelve ounces a day now from probably forty and dropping like a rock at ten each night, worn out. I'm not anxious anymore either. I can't wait to see how my moods shift when I'm down to four ounces, or nothing even. Amazing the sort of damage seven hundred milligrams of caffeine can do on top of everything else. And sleep does seem to be a little better quality-wise but let's give it a month or so, it's only been two days. So far so good. I need to do this gradually so I don't get headaches.

I don't like to need things. That's all. Coffee is a crutch, and it's doing me more harm than good. I have a whole list of things I need to quit, unfortunately most of them are human and will be harder to give up. Let's start with the small things then, and work our way up.

Second watch.

The world has caught on fire from what I've been told.
These city lights are killing ever slowly the sanity within me.
Maybe I lost in my creation.
This isn't how I thought I'd turn out.

In your eyes I'm picture perfect.
In your eyes the grass is greener.
Have you seen it though my eyes.

Cause through my eyes.
Stars are burning brighter.
So bright we can't ignore.

Lochlan appeared on my back steps right around the end of dinner last evening, seven beers into his evening and looking for comfort and a fight. Lochlan's been on the wrong side of a lot of beer and anger and need lately and I promised I wouldn't write about him and I guess I lied about that too, because he's my friend and overtly he hasn't done anything wrong other than show up in his tux at the alter just a little too late because the bride married your new best friend and they rode off into the sunset an hour ago, buddy.

Lochlan always tried to be above the drama and lately he is ALL of the drama all by himself. He's now concerned that he'll be made out to be the bad guy in my life, with a drinking problem and an obsession to boot. He's afraid Ben is somehow using the quietest moments we spend together to whisper into my broken ears that Lochlan is bad for me and I should stay away from him. Lochlan dares to have that much ego that in our darkest hours of deep conversation, he is that important that we're talking about him. Last night he was told the world doesn't revolve around him.

It can't, because it revolves around me.

He was fine with that.

Because in my darkest hours I have bigger ghosts to fight off, and for Lochlan's handwringing over having lost at love and lost his way and lost everything, in sober daylight he hasn't lost anything, really. He let go and things didn't come back and that's how you know something isn't yours.

He hasn't lost anything, not when we're comparing scars. I can lift up my shirt and you see the living autopsy I have become with the hole in the front where Cole died holding my heart and then the big tear in the back where you see where Jacob grabbed for it when he fell, and closed on air because it wasn't there. I guess he forgot he was already holding it and he didn't pull it out of his pocket in time and that's why sometimes I lose track of the pieces now. They were given back to me and I gave one to everyone because I wasn't ready to have any of it back, truthfully. Honestly.

Lochlan hasn't done the hard jobs, he's danced along the top of the wall while we dug under it. He stood back and leaned against it, supervising, while we rebuilt whole sections, and he hid behind it while we stood with our backs to it to fight so many times I've lost count.

Ben and Lochlan have created a forever-argument in the moment that Ben had to tell me Jacob was gone, because Lochlan couldn't do it, even though Lochlan should have done it. He was supposed to do it and he should have stood up and spared Ben from that. Instead he hoped that I would transfer the mask of pain onto Ben's face and begin right there to put up a wall between Ben and myself.

So everyone is well aware of how magnificently that plan backfired and Lochlan is out in the cold.

Only he's not, because he's one piece of my puzzle, holding one piece of my heart, so tightly it keeps squirting right out of his fist and he has to go chasing after it. He's the glue that holds the memories to the wall so I can go look at them when I want to, he's my link to happier Bridget before the boys fell in love with me, before death, and before life turned out so strange, he's my voice of reason. I'm so selfish I can't ask for that piece of my heart back from him. (KeepitandIcankeepyou.)

And he has lost things too. Love, above all else. Friends. Time. Ground. Me.

If there is one thing we have learned about having the upper hand is that it isn't about making sure the people you love suffer as much as you have, go through what you've been through or be forced to experience the same pain you have so they really get you, it's about making life easier for them, as much as you can, easing their suffering in the best ways you know how, and making sure they're protected for the rest of your days. Making sure they are safe. Happy. Loved.

He tries to do that for me now and Ben lets him. Because Ben knows the sort of desperation you can find at the bottom of a bottle or when you're fresh out of hearts or when the need for Bridget overtakes plain old good common sense. And for that, everyone wins, and we get pulled back up to walk along the top of the wall for a little while again.

The view from up here is so nice, I like it, and so much easier when the ghosts aren't reaching for my ankles. And as long as I stay here sandwiched snugly between Ben and Lochlan, the ghosts can't get close at all, let alone reach out and grab me.

I brought Lochlan coffee this morning out on the patio where he sat with the mother of all headaches. He thanked me profusely.

Being an asshole to him doesn't help you.

He's generous with both of us.

He's not going to do to you what you've tried to do to him, Lochlan. Be grateful.

You don't think I am?

No, sometimes it doesn't seem like you are.

How did you get so far away from me that you don't see these things anymore, princess?

The wall. It's in front of you.

What?

Nevermind.

I have figured out my television but this isn't about that.

It's like Christmas only with meat.

I think I make Ben laugh sometimes. Unwrapping the paper packages from the butcher in order to barbecue some dinner, I said that without thinking and he just roared. This after already having a mini-Christmas (!) when he bought me a pretty pink phone case and a copy of Heavier Than Heaven (!!) to read, a book I was having trouble finding. Later on he roared again with laughter when we collapsed on the couch, watching Dirty Jobs. Mike Rowe was directing some mules to carry fallen trees out of the woods with a set of words that would send them in various directions and I said it was cool that mules speak English, it makes the logging job easier.

(Thank you, I'll be here all week.)

No, I think it's a combination of the heat, some recent flu-bug issues and trying make plans and keep up with life that have left us failing to match our brains to our mouths lately.

Yesterday most of the day was spent separately with Lisabeth and then with Sam. Their separation is full steam ahead, the brief spring reconciliation not being successful and I'm sad for my friends. I'm sad that the church has tested another heart that I love and I'm sad that subconsciously I'm taking sides because that's what people do. Lisabeth understands. She knows damn well that Sam will be here more and I'll talk to him first and so she let me off the hook for that. She's moving so it won't be a dance of avoidance for them, just a chapter in Sam's life that he will keep fondly because he chose the church before his marriage. Few professions would call for that, but God beckons long and loud, I think.

I told Sam he was being foolish. That God doesn't expect him to be a saint, denying himself things people need to survive in this world. He told me I didn't have to worry about him so much, and for the first time ever I wished I could make Sam laugh, give him a little levity at a time when things are more sober than ever. I know he'll be okay. He has GOD on his side.

I have meat on mine, apparently. Meat and English-speaking mules.

The ten-second interview.

What three things do you look at first in a man?

Um, what? Oh Lord. Smile, hair and the width of the shoulders. I can't believe you asked that.

Moving on. Last album download.

Rev Theory's Light it Up.

Latest time consuming activity?

Learning to use Ben's old iPhone 3G. He got the 3G S yesterday.

How many freckles do you have now?

This interview is over, Duncan.

What did I say?

I liked your beat poetry better than your Larry King.

Lights off.

Yesterday Ben won me a giant stuffed Hello Kitty at the fair. My freckles were activated, though the power of our sunblock held strong, and I didn't refuse to go on a single ride that was presented to me, which meant I found myself swinging far out over the midwestern sky in the broilerplated heat two stories in the air with only slick metal chains keeping me from certain death more than a dozen times.

I ate pizza on a stick, which is one of those magical foods where the first bite is the best one and it's all downhill from there, I climbed up the Euroslide, had a change of heart, and then Henry talked me back into it, because Henry's 52 inches tall and you have to be 54 inches.

Mommy's 60 inches tall so she HAS to take me because Ben is 76 inches and might make for some drag on our speed and we want to have a race.

Pffft. That ride right there? Death trap.

Besides, Ruth in all her 54 inches of height and newly-big-kid glory won hands down. Because she jumped the gun and that's fine, you do that when you're nine.

And there were carnies everywhere, under the darker shade of the tents, charming us out of our cash and enticing us to stay longer and throw harder and take our time and come over to the next booth and ride the coaster again later after we've stayed here for a while and not leave through the big white gates at the magic hour, you don't want to go just yet, the fun is just beginning and you might miss out on the greatest summer of your lives if you go now. I can stamp your hands and you can come back for more.

It was then and only then that the tears began to sting behind my eyes. He's missing out. He didn't want to go JUST yet, the fun IS just beginning and dammit, there is no stamp for reentry. The sun has gone down and the fair has packed up and left town for him and you know what was dumb? That I have that one stupid memory of him here, walking along the dusty road between the games with their barkers, hands in his pockets, smiling politely because he always felt like they wanted him to sell his soul for the price of picking a duck with a letter on the bottom. The games made him uncharacteristic, superstitious, uncomfortable. He would spend a couple of dollars only, and then we'd leave that whole area, returning to the rides and the barns and the light, the open sunny skies because he was never comfortable with trying his luck, even though he had a knack for that kind of magic and so many illusions of his own making.

I watched Jacob walk down the road yesterday in my head until I couldn't watch him anymore and then I turned back to the living, where no one blinked as the boys pulled out bill after bill, hoping for one of those tiny Henry-sized motorcycles and the biggest teddy bears I have ever seen. I let the memory burn in the sun and I didn't get my hand stamped, because I'm not coming back to this.

Fair warning.

His name was William, and he was just another unrequited crush.

Got a taste, can't be saved, I'm a junkie for life
She fuels my fire and adrenaline high
My need for speed's got me gunning
One touch, she screams to keep it coming
Are you ready for the best damn ride of your life?

Gimme a "hell"
Gimme a "yeah"
Stand up right now

I had my arms raised over my head just like the teenagers, freckles mixed with dirt, sprinkled across the bridge of my nose and my cheeks, braids loosened and tied in knots to keep them out of my way, too long bangs swept impatiently behind one ear, green eyes open wide as evening approached, the colored lights of the midway forming a glow around this huge field on the edge of nowhere, the small town where I was born and where still nothing happens, and still they greet me by name when I enter the small diner down on the road beside the river that empties into the sea. I never know which direction to take to get to Green Bay or to get out of town and go to the city. I never know which end is up when I'm there. I was never required to.

My job was to get sunburned and grow freckles and white streaks of sun in my hair and brown legs with pink shoulders and nose.

My job was to eat blue cotton candy (my favorite, always) and hold up one tiny wrist at the carnies as I made my way onto the Scrambler to wedge in beside Bailey and her friends.

My job was to stay with the group and not spend too long in the barn petting goats and oxen.

My job was keep quiet so I watched the Ferris wheel operator do his job. He looked like Gregg Allman. He had a beard and kind, world-weary eyes. He was tanned and blonde and he never cared if we had bracelets or not. He counted extra turns when we were on the wheel and he never made us get off until someone stopped smiling. He wore dirty jeans and a ripped white shirt and he had tattoos from some other life before the one in which you live in a broken-down camper, towed from one small town to the next.

One late night he asked me what I was staring at. I told him the lights were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He walked over to the canopy where the rainbow lights were and he reached up and unscrewed a round red bulb and he brought it over to me and told me I could keep it so I would always remember the fun I had that night. He became a fixture after that, and every year he gave me a different colored bulb that I would collect near the end of my evening. I brought them home and kept them in a cardboard box pushed far underneath the big iron bed with the mattress that sagged in the middle. The cocoon bed, I called it, home away from home at my grandparent's house.

When I was twelve I decided when I was eighteen that I was going to marry him if things with Lochlan didn't pan out (because they weren't anyway because I was twelve), and I'd wear a pretty yellow embroidered apron and fix him nice dinners at the three-legged table that was bolted into one corner of the camper and at night we would sleep in the tiny bed in the other corner with a threadbare blanket and he would sing me to sleep while the carnival traveled to the next town.

Pay cheques were dispensed in cash and time off was where ever and whenever you could find it. There were no shopping malls, no school and no long car trips, there was only the gleeful screams of the people on the rides, the food that hasn't changed in sixty years, since his grandpa operated the wheel and the lights that always, always make me dizzy. Those lights are better than the northern lights and better than fireworks to me, because those are the lights of true adventure around every bend. Familiarity in rusty bolts and discarded paper cones, ripped paper bracelets and discarded, dusty prizes.

I never had big dreams. Mine are so very small and simple. And I still have one of the lights that he gave me. It's rusted now, and even if I had a socket that it fit I doubt it still works. He would be probably late fifties, early sixties by now, maybe he still travels with the shows and maybe he closed up his trailer and stopped somewhere nice when the carnival passed through a town that looked appealing. Hell, I'll never know. But it makes me feel happy to think about sometimes.

In this breath just now there was no worry, oddly enough.

Train of thought today, sorry.

I'm consumed with gratefulness for the tiny rituals, like Ben playing guitar every night, schooling the children in Hendrix and Sabbath while they finish their dinners, and rituals like late at night when we collapse on the couch in front of a movie and split a green apple, always green because they're crunchy and sweet and an apple a day keeps the demons away. Or something like that.

I'm watching the skies for the coming thunderstorms and glad to have the afternoon in front of me to write and work for once, free from the worry that has consumed me recently. I have come to think that I worry too much about things that don't bother others. Like, way WAY too much. Anxiety unleashed and out of control and I have settled for it as an uncomfortable status quo, too lazy to move from where I rest on my bed of nails because it's a bed and beds are where we lie, correct?

I'm relieved that there are still good people in this world, good people like the plumber who didn't charge me because the pipe is fine, that's what it does, it isn't ominous nor is it in need of replacing, and the previous plumber may have been a little green behind the ears and so that isn't a reason for me to pay their fee for the visit and the city had my water turned back on in under an hour.

Now, in order to relax I've brought some water and my laptop and my blackberry out here to the sunny backyard and I'm sitting under the umbrella, feet up on another chair pulled close, a light breeze stirring the leaves on the trees and I wish I could hear them but the hearing aids will bring the barking dogs and lawnmowers and the squeal of the train and all the city traffic and instead I'll just try to find an hour or two of contentment inside my muted little garden oasis.

Soon Ben will be home and I can share this latest offering to the writing gods with him and he will share some of his news with me and we'll lock the doors and retire once again to the tiny rituals that bring so much unexpected peace so suddenly. Kind of like finding a feather on a bed of nails and imagining where that feather is as a softer part of impossible situation. It will do for now, anyway.

Closing gaps.

You're the one
You are the hurt inside of me
And you are the one that makes me weak
Shadows that crawl all over me
Swallow the light that lets me see

One of my weirdest throwbacks to being little is saying grace. We do it when there's a significant spiritual presence and at large gatherings as a verbal amulet to hasten a good year, some good luck, a better season and to publically acknowledge our blessings.

I get right in there and put my elbows together on the very edge of the table and I place my forehead against my fists and I close my eyes. I've always whispered the words that had to be said en masse, because I couldn't hear them well enough to keep up and I wind up in my own little world quite easily as a result.

Caleb brings this up yesterday in the car on the way to his breakfast, french cuffs and whiskey in fine form at eight a.m.

What's your point?

Are you going to be difficult?

No.

Good. My point is I watched you then and I watch you now and you haven't changed all that much. God, so beautiful. I don't know what my brother was thinking.

We both know precisely what your brother was thinking.

Cole was more talented than he was smart, princess, just like you.

He was the smartest person I will ever know, Caleb.

You know, hearing that makes me as glad as I used to feel when mom would put me beside you at Christmas dinner. I could watch you up close with your funny little facial expressions and exclamations. That amazing gap when you'd fail to realize someone had addressed you and the resulting command of everyone's attention. And you respected my brother.

I did nothing of the kind or I wouldn't have what I have now.

What do you have now?

Secrets I don't want anymore.

Everyone keeps secrets, princess. Yours are just more exciting than most.

There's no point anymore, Caleb. Everyone's dead.

We're not. And we should be embracing this life, because we know firsthand how short it is.

I am. I'm trying to but you won't let me.

That's because I have your best interests at heart, beautiful.

No, you have yours and yours only.

We both know how you lie, princess.

I don't lie.

Your whole life is a lie, Bridget. You may tell the truth with your feelings but you'll leave out everything else, and you'll keep this up because you don't get a choice anymore.

Suddenly the door was opening and I saw Mike's face. Caleb got out and reached back in for my hand, which I gave him and I exited the car as gracefully as possible. I stood up, far too close to Caleb because he hadn't moved and I stumbled back and he caught me with his arm, pulling me so close to him I smelled whiskey and I could count his eyelashes.

It doesn't have to be like this, Cale.

Smile pretty and fake the next hour, alright, princess? It's what you do best.

He turned away, heading into the hotel, pulling me behind him while I fought back tears and won, because my anger always outweighs my fear of my brother-in-law. I got into something awful once and I don't think I'll ever get out of it. This is hopeless and now I'm stuck and it's dark and I don't like it here.

I played my part, applauding and smiling when he was introduced, laughing lightly at all the right points during his speech, and accepting the admiring glances as they washed over me when he had the nerve to out me as one of the great loves of his life from the stage.

Wish he hadn't done that.

It really made me mad.