Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Closing gaps.

You're the one
You are the hurt inside of me
And you are the one that makes me weak
Shadows that crawl all over me
Swallow the light that lets me see
One of my weirdest throwbacks to being little is saying grace. We do it when there's a significant spiritual presence and at large gatherings as a verbal amulet to hasten a good year, some good luck, a better season and to publically acknowledge our blessings.

I get right in there and put my elbows together on the very edge of the table and I place my forehead against my fists and I close my eyes. I've always whispered the words that had to be said en masse, because I couldn't hear them well enough to keep up and I wind up in my own little world quite easily as a result.

Caleb brings this up yesterday in the car on the way to his breakfast, french cuffs and whiskey in fine form at eight a.m.

What's your point?

Are you going to be difficult?


Good. My point is I watched you then and I watch you now and you haven't changed all that much. God, so beautiful. I don't know what my brother was thinking.

We both know precisely what your brother was thinking.

Cole was more talented than he was smart, princess, just like you.

He was the smartest person I will ever know, Caleb.

You know, hearing that makes me as glad as I used to feel when mom would put me beside you at Christmas dinner. I could watch you up close with your funny little facial expressions and exclamations. That amazing gap when you'd fail to realize someone had addressed you and the resulting command of everyone's attention. And you respected my brother.

I did nothing of the kind or I wouldn't have what I have now.

What do you have now?

Secrets I don't want anymore.

Everyone keeps secrets, princess. Yours are just more exciting than most.

There's no point anymore, Caleb. Everyone's dead.

We're not. And we should be embracing this life, because we know firsthand how short it is.

I am. I'm trying to but you won't let me.

That's because I have your best interests at heart, beautiful.

No, you have yours and yours only.

We both know how you lie, princess.

I don't lie.

Your whole life is a lie, Bridget. You may tell the truth with your feelings but you'll leave out everything else, and you'll keep this up because you don't get a choice anymore.

Suddenly the door was opening and I saw Mike's face. Caleb got out and reached back in for my hand, which I gave him and I exited the car as gracefully as possible. I stood up, far too close to Caleb because he hadn't moved and I stumbled back and he caught me with his arm, pulling me so close to him I smelled whiskey and I could count his eyelashes.

It doesn't have to be like this, Cale.

Smile pretty and fake the next hour, alright, princess? It's what you do best.

He turned away, heading into the hotel, pulling me behind him while I fought back tears and won, because my anger always outweighs my fear of my brother-in-law. I got into something awful once and I don't think I'll ever get out of it. This is hopeless and now I'm stuck and it's dark and I don't like it here.

I played my part, applauding and smiling when he was introduced, laughing lightly at all the right points during his speech, and accepting the admiring glances as they washed over me when he had the nerve to out me as one of the great loves of his life from the stage.

Wish he hadn't done that.

It really made me mad.