In a cruelly wonderful twist of irony, I left my drama on the point today to go run some errands and wound up lurking near the set of reshoots for Fifty Shades of Grey.
Yup. Charmed life, I tell you. CHARMED.
Came home to my very own west coast millionaire who doesn't have a helicopter (he leased a plane for a while once though) or three homes (wait a second LOL) or a red room of pain (it's..wait for it...grey) but he's always angling for a waiver that lets him use me however he pleases and I demur so hard I think I've broken things. No one's going to make a movie about me though. This blog will have to suffice. Though it's less of a blog and more of a diary. Strictly writing. No comments, buried in the internet wasteland just like E.L. James' fan fiction before she started reading Saltwater Princess.
You never know. Maybe it happened. Maybe no one's ever heard of me. I'm fine either way. I wouldn't have picked Jamie Dornan to play Caleb but dammit if he isn't pretty cute.
Jamie..not Caleb.
Well, Caleb's pretty cute too.
Okay, shhh...
Thursday, 16 October 2014
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
Acolytes and Adulation (back on the horse, the reprieve is definitely over).
(The five year break was when Caleb disappeared into his firm on Bay street and made his mark. Driven, focused, he put his personal life aside completely. I had asked him to let Cole and I have a shot at fixing our broken marriage, raising our kids and being a family without his influence. Not only did we do worse than fail, he slipped and started living the life you see in the movies. Fast cars, spendy glass palaces and hard drugs. Under duress he'll admit that the drugs were the only thing that worked to make him forget about me. I can only imagine. I asked for them once to forget about Jake. Caleb didn't disappoint. And I have brain damage now.)
I asked him quietly to tell me what was wrong and he struck out so fast I couldn't even catch the cursive reply. The marks remain on my skin. It stung because I was trying to draw him out and he erased my efforts instead.
He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, looking exhausted.
Is everything okay? English this time. No endearment, no tenderness. Professionalism. He's more used to it and it gives him the lead to respond in kind.
I haven't slept. That's all. Let's finish up so I can send you back to jail.
Jail is the main house today, I'm guessing. Do you want me to stay?
Of course, he snaps back so fast I have whiplash and I wasn't even very close. Jesus. I'm being verbally pummeled here and I don't..
But I do.
He is a lot like me. Conditioned to thrive under heavy affection and absolutely ruined otherwise. Bereft. It's a lot like grieving except with grieving the hole never gets filled. No one can cover that place, it just gapes and waits for you to fall in blindly and drown.
And I can't abide by that. I won't. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even him.
(Advocate, defector, thief.)
(Little liar.)
Come here. I whisper it but Caleb is already right there and I put my arms up around his neck and he just crumbles such a tiny bit my ego picks up speed and slingshots right around Mars, coming back and skidding to a stop just at the atmosphere of earth to see what's next.
His arms slide tightly around me and I am lifted off my feet. Jesus, Neamhchiontach. Were we always doomed?
From the start, I think. Confirmed. Some people exist in the prison that is their own mind and will. Me. Cole. Caleb. Jake. Ben. Lochlan. We're not here by chance, we're here because we're all the same.
Find out how much he would take to let me have twenty-four hours with you. He lets go and I'm cold suddenly.
Cale, it's not up for discuss-
Find out. Or I'll just take you anyway and deal with him later. Go and come back. Now. Quick.
If I go I won't be able to come back. Besides, you're still on notic-
Then you're staying right here. He comes back to me and takes my face in his hands. I don't do well without you. Not at all. I always think I can but it doesn't happen, Bridget. And I don't know what that means but I don't like it anymore. Things are never going to change so just give in. I'll try to make it work, I won't make it hard on you but you need to give me something. I'm at your mercy here.
I have to go. I can give you a hug, I can't give you anything more than that. I can't stay here. I'm sorry.
I was halfway across the driveway when he could articulate a response. He yelled my name so loudly I flinched hard enough to lose my balance and Lochlan stepped around from the back of the camper, wiping his hands on a blackened cloth, looking half worried and half scared shitless.
Now what the fuck have you been up to, Peanut?
Nothing, I tell him. Brain damage, I told you.
(I forget, Locket, but I tried to hug a demon because he has feelings too but it always hurts too much and then I just want to cry because I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Give me a job. I'm big enough to help now. I promise I won't get in the way.)
I will fail youHe wasn't doing anything different but he was tense. So tense I could have bounced quarters off the space between his shoulder blades or even his forehead if I had dared but I never take dares when they come to the Devil. They find me and take me first.
To the core
I asked him quietly to tell me what was wrong and he struck out so fast I couldn't even catch the cursive reply. The marks remain on my skin. It stung because I was trying to draw him out and he erased my efforts instead.
He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, looking exhausted.
Is everything okay? English this time. No endearment, no tenderness. Professionalism. He's more used to it and it gives him the lead to respond in kind.
I haven't slept. That's all. Let's finish up so I can send you back to jail.
Jail is the main house today, I'm guessing. Do you want me to stay?
Of course, he snaps back so fast I have whiplash and I wasn't even very close. Jesus. I'm being verbally pummeled here and I don't..
But I do.
He is a lot like me. Conditioned to thrive under heavy affection and absolutely ruined otherwise. Bereft. It's a lot like grieving except with grieving the hole never gets filled. No one can cover that place, it just gapes and waits for you to fall in blindly and drown.
And I can't abide by that. I won't. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even him.
(Advocate, defector, thief.)
(Little liar.)
Come here. I whisper it but Caleb is already right there and I put my arms up around his neck and he just crumbles such a tiny bit my ego picks up speed and slingshots right around Mars, coming back and skidding to a stop just at the atmosphere of earth to see what's next.
His arms slide tightly around me and I am lifted off my feet. Jesus, Neamhchiontach. Were we always doomed?
From the start, I think. Confirmed. Some people exist in the prison that is their own mind and will. Me. Cole. Caleb. Jake. Ben. Lochlan. We're not here by chance, we're here because we're all the same.
Find out how much he would take to let me have twenty-four hours with you. He lets go and I'm cold suddenly.
Cale, it's not up for discuss-
Find out. Or I'll just take you anyway and deal with him later. Go and come back. Now. Quick.
If I go I won't be able to come back. Besides, you're still on notic-
Then you're staying right here. He comes back to me and takes my face in his hands. I don't do well without you. Not at all. I always think I can but it doesn't happen, Bridget. And I don't know what that means but I don't like it anymore. Things are never going to change so just give in. I'll try to make it work, I won't make it hard on you but you need to give me something. I'm at your mercy here.
I have to go. I can give you a hug, I can't give you anything more than that. I can't stay here. I'm sorry.
I was halfway across the driveway when he could articulate a response. He yelled my name so loudly I flinched hard enough to lose my balance and Lochlan stepped around from the back of the camper, wiping his hands on a blackened cloth, looking half worried and half scared shitless.
Now what the fuck have you been up to, Peanut?
Nothing, I tell him. Brain damage, I told you.
(I forget, Locket, but I tried to hug a demon because he has feelings too but it always hurts too much and then I just want to cry because I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. Give me a job. I'm big enough to help now. I promise I won't get in the way.)
Tuesday, 14 October 2014
Play it pretty with a pat on the back.
This could be the first time in the history of me that Lochlan hasn't shared a cold with me. Not sure if it's out of sheer stubbornness or just the luck of the draw but he's regained full use of his lungs.
How do I know?
About an hour after my parents left for the airport and the kids left for school and Matt made his way out again too, Lochlan started singing Woman. I thought it might be a one-off, but nope. He's doing the whole Hysteria album here. Without music. He's up to Pour some Sugar on Me and he looks so cross when he does this song. I used in my one and only pole dance in public which I will never do again and don't know how I did in the first place but money's nice and Bridget's not, I guess.
I only shimmied a little when he started, I swear.
He broke into his own song and said Stop it, and I laughed and obeyed him because damn. Just keep singing and as usual, I will follow you anywhere.
Ben looked even crosser. Ben isn't going to sing Def Leppard. What the fuck. It isn't even actual metal, he says.
But he liked that shimmy.
Loch's moved on to Armageddon it and I have a ton of stuff to do today and still don't feel well enough to do it. All my thanks this giving went to PJ, who is as good of a mom as anyone these days, and I'm very grateful for that. I'm grateful Loch is feeling good enough to sing so fucking loudly and I'm grateful that Ben didn't find this holiday with parents so hard, because he has us and we're his family now and I'm grateful I'm not feverish anymore so they can stop with the Ebola jokes at last.
(And also I'm really sorry to all those I love getting on planes with bad colds today because of me.)
How do I know?
About an hour after my parents left for the airport and the kids left for school and Matt made his way out again too, Lochlan started singing Woman. I thought it might be a one-off, but nope. He's doing the whole Hysteria album here. Without music. He's up to Pour some Sugar on Me and he looks so cross when he does this song. I used in my one and only pole dance in public which I will never do again and don't know how I did in the first place but money's nice and Bridget's not, I guess.
I only shimmied a little when he started, I swear.
He broke into his own song and said Stop it, and I laughed and obeyed him because damn. Just keep singing and as usual, I will follow you anywhere.
Ben looked even crosser. Ben isn't going to sing Def Leppard. What the fuck. It isn't even actual metal, he says.
But he liked that shimmy.
Loch's moved on to Armageddon it and I have a ton of stuff to do today and still don't feel well enough to do it. All my thanks this giving went to PJ, who is as good of a mom as anyone these days, and I'm very grateful for that. I'm grateful Loch is feeling good enough to sing so fucking loudly and I'm grateful that Ben didn't find this holiday with parents so hard, because he has us and we're his family now and I'm grateful I'm not feverish anymore so they can stop with the Ebola jokes at last.
(And also I'm really sorry to all those I love getting on planes with bad colds today because of me.)
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Should have made a turducken.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I have a really bad cold and there are seemingly dozens more people here than I can comfortably or uncomfortably manage. We're having our big turkey dinner and epic Warcraft Monopoly tournament today and so on that note I think I'll just throw in the towel here and not attempt to liveblog the holiday or the weekend or me being sick again. The Leafs lost but the Canucks won their season openers so just nevermind and I'll see you Tuesday.
I have a really bad cold and there are seemingly dozens more people here than I can comfortably or uncomfortably manage. We're having our big turkey dinner and epic Warcraft Monopoly tournament today and so on that note I think I'll just throw in the towel here and not attempt to liveblog the holiday or the weekend or me being sick again. The Leafs lost but the Canucks won their season openers so just nevermind and I'll see you Tuesday.
Saturday, 11 October 2014
Friday, 10 October 2014
Surrogate wife/Youngest child.
Sam is darling. I'm not sure how I feel about him right this second. I feel like he latched on to me, messed me up more than a little bit and basically decided I was going to fill in the gap for Matt's absence.
Sam knows better. I say that often because it's true. He does. So this sort of hurt. However. He's rejected whatever new light he saw me in and he's back to being himself so maybe I'll bring it up later in our weekly porch jazz session, complete with coffee and vinyl and affection that labels us friends, not possibilities. The way I want to keep it. As adorable as he is and as much as sometimes I think he understands me better than anyone I've ever met in this world, I need to keep this dynamic the way it is. And I've never considered anything else.
***
On that note, because things get really weird sometimes,
My parents are here.
Which means a three-day reprieve from table/fist/food-throwing, verbal wars and misappropriated affection. We do commune-lite when they are here, which isn't often. They think it's lovely.
Even Lochlan kind of let out a breath like he could relax for a bit and just be normal. Because it's so much fun to pretend.
Sam knows better. I say that often because it's true. He does. So this sort of hurt. However. He's rejected whatever new light he saw me in and he's back to being himself so maybe I'll bring it up later in our weekly porch jazz session, complete with coffee and vinyl and affection that labels us friends, not possibilities. The way I want to keep it. As adorable as he is and as much as sometimes I think he understands me better than anyone I've ever met in this world, I need to keep this dynamic the way it is. And I've never considered anything else.
***
On that note, because things get really weird sometimes,
My parents are here.
Which means a three-day reprieve from table/fist/food-throwing, verbal wars and misappropriated affection. We do commune-lite when they are here, which isn't often. They think it's lovely.
Even Lochlan kind of let out a breath like he could relax for a bit and just be normal. Because it's so much fun to pretend.
Thursday, 9 October 2014
One of us.
Matt got home early, having switched his flights so that he can maximize his time. He walked in through the front door at exactly 5:10 this morning, setting off the alarm and making the dog go apeshit. He yelled Honey, I'm home! and turned on lights and the coffee maker as he made his way around the house before looping back to his wing, where Sam (an incredibly heavy sleeper) was still far below, in dreamland. The rest of us are up and grudgingly waiting to greet Matt and where is he now? In bed with his traveling clothes on (gross. It's one of my issues) with his arms wrapped around Sam and Sam's face was absolute ecstasy and I thought See, Sam? This is how hard it is but I didn't say it, I just turned and decided if we're all up early I may as well make french toast.
***
He brought presents! Keep Calm, I'm the Queen t-shirts for the boys (yes, all the boys) and a beautiful teapot for me, because I have a tiny little black one that dribbles all over the place when you pour from it. This one is not drippy and also bigger. Because we always say we should drink more tea and less coffee and then we don't because there's not enough room. He bought a new Poland flag for Sam too. It's becoming their in-joke. We'll always have Poland, they say.
***
Last night Ben fired up Netflix again, stripped me down to nothing and forced me to watch Nicholas Sparks movies. I don't think we're compatible anymore.
***
Caleb sent flowers and the card said Just Because you're my Neamhchiontach in someone else's handwriting and Lochlan set them on fire. Someone should write a movie about my romantic life. They could classify it under horror. I would watch it and cover my mouth in shock, completely forgetting it's based on a true story until the credits at the end.
***
My throat hurts exponentially. I'm pretty sure it's psychosomatic. I always seem to get sick once the kids settle into routine and the weather changes. It's still 20 during the day and no lower than 10 or 12 at night and the furnace isn't even on. I may or may not have worn shorts this week more than once but my Blackcomb hoodie has always been close by too.
***
He brought presents! Keep Calm, I'm the Queen t-shirts for the boys (yes, all the boys) and a beautiful teapot for me, because I have a tiny little black one that dribbles all over the place when you pour from it. This one is not drippy and also bigger. Because we always say we should drink more tea and less coffee and then we don't because there's not enough room. He bought a new Poland flag for Sam too. It's becoming their in-joke. We'll always have Poland, they say.
***
Last night Ben fired up Netflix again, stripped me down to nothing and forced me to watch Nicholas Sparks movies. I don't think we're compatible anymore.
***
Caleb sent flowers and the card said Just Because you're my Neamhchiontach in someone else's handwriting and Lochlan set them on fire. Someone should write a movie about my romantic life. They could classify it under horror. I would watch it and cover my mouth in shock, completely forgetting it's based on a true story until the credits at the end.
***
My throat hurts exponentially. I'm pretty sure it's psychosomatic. I always seem to get sick once the kids settle into routine and the weather changes. It's still 20 during the day and no lower than 10 or 12 at night and the furnace isn't even on. I may or may not have worn shorts this week more than once but my Blackcomb hoodie has always been close by too.
Wednesday, 8 October 2014
Pepperoni, ham, pineapple and black olives.
My surprise turned out to be pizza and horror movies. In bed. Sans clothes except for a t-shirt because my shoulders get cold sometimes. It's one of my favorite ways to spend an evening and if only I ever had the energy anymore to stay up late I would be able to watch more than two movies. It's okay, I can't do half the things I could do when I was twenty. Like eat pizza for instance. One slice and I'm good. Two and I'm staggering around like a little water buffalo with furry tongue and bloating.
No, it's not adorable. Yes, I did it anyway.
It was the perfect surprise Tuesday night activity. I hope for a repeat weekly. It's been promised, if time permits. But I'm only going to have one slice next time.
No, it's not adorable. Yes, I did it anyway.
It was the perfect surprise Tuesday night activity. I hope for a repeat weekly. It's been promised, if time permits. But I'm only going to have one slice next time.
Tuesday, 7 October 2014
October isn't my favorite.
A surprisingly normal and average night and day so far.
I was told to cut my nails. They grow like crazy here and I scratch and poke everyone unintentionally.
John, Daniel and PJ pitched in and helped get the whole house clean, bathrooms included. In one day even! This hardly ever happens!
Lochlan set up a pre-Christmas contract with good remuneration. More art projects for him. He's so happy.
Ben said he and Loch have a surprise but not yet, tonight, which make me make a smarmy face at him and he said no it's not related to that but that they could prepare a second surprise if I want and he waggled his eyebrows at me. His face is weirdly expressive or completely stoic. He has no in-between.
Caleb sent me some paperwork to sign and return. He let Henry courier them to me and back for kicks. Henry enjoyed his new responsibility. They are going to eat hot dogs and watch Pacific Rim tonight. It's one of Henry's favorite movies. Cale took a very big step back and I appreciate it. I like him better as an absent Sugar Daddy than an omnipresent lover anyway. I keep trying to pet the wolf and then seemed shocked when it bites me.
Corey stopped by to borrow some equipment from Ben. Not only was he polite but he was almost pleasant and he didn't ask me for anything.
Sam is down to counting hours until Matt gets home Thursday evening. He's coming for an extended long weekend. He's not faring much better than Sam, in the heart-growing-fonder department. I think they really are soulmates. This will give Sam the fortitude to muscle through the final weeks. It's been rough. He's gone a little bit off the deep end.
Ruth had me camping the website all morning for the annual Fall Out Boy Halloween shirt. It looked pretty cool. I would wear that. Except I only know one song. She's been playing Centuries on repeat since it came out. I hit refresh dutifully right up until they said they would pick a later date because the servers crashed.
I cooked a whole package of bacon. It will feed half of us (I didn't notice the packages got smaller weightwise while the price went up yay) so I'm going to have to cook another and I didn't realize it until I was finished. BLTs for dinner with potato chips because it's been very warm in the afternoon and bacon sandwiches are easy to throw together for dinner right up until the stragglers come home very shortly before I give up on trying to stay awake and go the fuck to sleep.
Duncan is much better lately. A lot more relaxed with easy affection and his usual half-cool, half-mischievous attitude. He helped Dalton with some project today and now they've gone off for a coffee and a round of golf (Dunk doesn't golf. I asked for video) and then they'll be around tonight too.
I keep falling asleep in my chair. I think I'll go prep the veggies and set the table and then at least if I don't make it to supper time they'll be able to fend for themselves and I can crash hard. I hope the surprise can wait, if I do. I'm a very curious little person but I'm too tired to bug them today.
I was told to cut my nails. They grow like crazy here and I scratch and poke everyone unintentionally.
John, Daniel and PJ pitched in and helped get the whole house clean, bathrooms included. In one day even! This hardly ever happens!
Lochlan set up a pre-Christmas contract with good remuneration. More art projects for him. He's so happy.
Ben said he and Loch have a surprise but not yet, tonight, which make me make a smarmy face at him and he said no it's not related to that but that they could prepare a second surprise if I want and he waggled his eyebrows at me. His face is weirdly expressive or completely stoic. He has no in-between.
Caleb sent me some paperwork to sign and return. He let Henry courier them to me and back for kicks. Henry enjoyed his new responsibility. They are going to eat hot dogs and watch Pacific Rim tonight. It's one of Henry's favorite movies. Cale took a very big step back and I appreciate it. I like him better as an absent Sugar Daddy than an omnipresent lover anyway. I keep trying to pet the wolf and then seemed shocked when it bites me.
Corey stopped by to borrow some equipment from Ben. Not only was he polite but he was almost pleasant and he didn't ask me for anything.
Sam is down to counting hours until Matt gets home Thursday evening. He's coming for an extended long weekend. He's not faring much better than Sam, in the heart-growing-fonder department. I think they really are soulmates. This will give Sam the fortitude to muscle through the final weeks. It's been rough. He's gone a little bit off the deep end.
Ruth had me camping the website all morning for the annual Fall Out Boy Halloween shirt. It looked pretty cool. I would wear that. Except I only know one song. She's been playing Centuries on repeat since it came out. I hit refresh dutifully right up until they said they would pick a later date because the servers crashed.
I cooked a whole package of bacon. It will feed half of us (I didn't notice the packages got smaller weightwise while the price went up yay) so I'm going to have to cook another and I didn't realize it until I was finished. BLTs for dinner with potato chips because it's been very warm in the afternoon and bacon sandwiches are easy to throw together for dinner right up until the stragglers come home very shortly before I give up on trying to stay awake and go the fuck to sleep.
Duncan is much better lately. A lot more relaxed with easy affection and his usual half-cool, half-mischievous attitude. He helped Dalton with some project today and now they've gone off for a coffee and a round of golf (Dunk doesn't golf. I asked for video) and then they'll be around tonight too.
I keep falling asleep in my chair. I think I'll go prep the veggies and set the table and then at least if I don't make it to supper time they'll be able to fend for themselves and I can crash hard. I hope the surprise can wait, if I do. I'm a very curious little person but I'm too tired to bug them today.
Monday, 6 October 2014
Ceasefire.
Ben forced an agreement early last evening. Caleb's not allowed to go after Lochlan because Lochlan didn't do anything. He's not allowed to go after me either and Ben tore whatever flesh was remaining off Caleb's bones with a few threats of his own. If Ben isn't there? Caleb doesn't touch me. Even if I instigate.
That's a good rule. In a strange life.
Loch looks worse today. Prizefighter-worse. He went grocery shopping with me and scowled at everyone with his magnificent lower lip jutting out just enough that no one spoke to him. Flannel sleeves rolled up, words inked all over his arms, bruises all over his face, he pushed the cart at the store so fast I had to skip to keep up half the time.
His rule was different.
You are never ever ever going over there EVER again. EVER! EVER, Peanut. You hear?
Yes, Dad.
He scowled at that. Then he gave me a new song that he found. A cover of Kiss from a Rose by Head Control System. It's been on repeat ever since because it's metal and it's all sung in minor harmonies and I love it to death.
Like everything.
That's a good rule. In a strange life.
Loch looks worse today. Prizefighter-worse. He went grocery shopping with me and scowled at everyone with his magnificent lower lip jutting out just enough that no one spoke to him. Flannel sleeves rolled up, words inked all over his arms, bruises all over his face, he pushed the cart at the store so fast I had to skip to keep up half the time.
His rule was different.
You are never ever ever going over there EVER again. EVER! EVER, Peanut. You hear?
Yes, Dad.
He scowled at that. Then he gave me a new song that he found. A cover of Kiss from a Rose by Head Control System. It's been on repeat ever since because it's metal and it's all sung in minor harmonies and I love it to death.
Like everything.
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