I came down for breakfast covered with handprints. On my cheeks, my neck, my arms, my ears. Lochlan set us both on fire last night but the heat from the flames blended easily with the scorching heat residue from the sun earlier in the day and it was just like old times. We counted the money from Jay's wallet (a blistering $345 as he isn't a card person and tends to budget in the physical sense. Noted for next time.), tucked it all back in neatly with all of the bills facing the right way and left it on the bureau to return later. We only grift symbolically now, to keep our skills up in case we need them.
(I actually don't think we'll need them again but Lochlan always sleeps with his boots on, if you can understand how that feels.)
Duncan took a step backwards when he saw me. Baptized in ashes, were we?
Something like that.
I'd be neater, Sam volunteers from the couch.
I shot him a look, poured two orange juices and took them back upstairs. I'm too hung over to banter, too filthy to get close. We drink the juice and then I take a long blisteringly hot bath which somehow became the greatest part of the heat-wave week so far, making everything else cool by comparison. The only handprint that didn't actually come off was the one on the back of my head as my hair is so pale now and the soot stuck fast, staining my hair black in the shape of his hand. I didn't notice it, but August pointed it out later on and I almost smiled at the thought of the shape of Lochlan's hand permanent touching me. Like an angel but here on earth because that's what he is.
We only slept for an hour or so the night before last, as his fuel for blood woke him up soon after we settled, a truth serum that saw him spill his fears into me in the dark, both in words and action as he searched for a way to show me how much he loved me while he told me how scared he is, how jealous he gets, how much it hurts, how badly he wants to fix everything, and how hard it all seems, how hard he works at trying to be cool with everything when right now he's cool with nothing. He talked while he drove against me, keeping me an inch from his skin, keeping me pushed up high against a euphoria I thought we left behind once, a long time ago but apparently we packed it. We brought it with us. And only once we burned off all of that fear, all that nervous energy, all of the alcohol did we appreciate it.
Boy, did we appreciate it.
I don't want for much right now, let me tell you. He strips us of our skin and our false fronts, rips the masks off, takes away the grace and we start again.
After my bath, a clean dress and the inevitable display while everyone arrived to see the handprint on my head, Lochlan made coffee and we took it out to the garden. We talked and we rocked and we checked out the progress of the yellow beans and the tomatoes and the grapes too. And we had a lovely day. A day by the sea, just for two. A day in the sun. A day in love. A day we used to dream about back in the overheated nights in the camper in between work shifts when we had three dollars but no food. A day we've actually never had before.
We topped it off with an early dinner at the diner, because we are creatures of habit, and we came back and lay in the hammock, watching the lights of the boats right through magic hour and then we went upstairs to bed where we actually slept this time, right through the night and I didn't think about grief or Jay or Caleb or Batman. I didn't think about being hungry or scared. Lochlan didn't think about being jealous or fixing things and we woke up and it's today.
Today.
Today I'm going to finish my chores quickly before it gets hot and then I'm taking some iced tea out on the porch. Today I'm going to order pizza for dinner. Today I'm going to be kinder to myself and to those I love. Today I'm going to do everything I want to do and more and also less, because it's a whole new day and that means a fresh start. A re-do. A new chance.
Actually today I need to go and return Jay's wallet. He would probably like it back.
(I actually don't think we'll need them again but Lochlan always sleeps with his boots on, if you can understand how that feels.)
Duncan took a step backwards when he saw me. Baptized in ashes, were we?
Something like that.
I'd be neater, Sam volunteers from the couch.
I shot him a look, poured two orange juices and took them back upstairs. I'm too hung over to banter, too filthy to get close. We drink the juice and then I take a long blisteringly hot bath which somehow became the greatest part of the heat-wave week so far, making everything else cool by comparison. The only handprint that didn't actually come off was the one on the back of my head as my hair is so pale now and the soot stuck fast, staining my hair black in the shape of his hand. I didn't notice it, but August pointed it out later on and I almost smiled at the thought of the shape of Lochlan's hand permanent touching me. Like an angel but here on earth because that's what he is.
We only slept for an hour or so the night before last, as his fuel for blood woke him up soon after we settled, a truth serum that saw him spill his fears into me in the dark, both in words and action as he searched for a way to show me how much he loved me while he told me how scared he is, how jealous he gets, how much it hurts, how badly he wants to fix everything, and how hard it all seems, how hard he works at trying to be cool with everything when right now he's cool with nothing. He talked while he drove against me, keeping me an inch from his skin, keeping me pushed up high against a euphoria I thought we left behind once, a long time ago but apparently we packed it. We brought it with us. And only once we burned off all of that fear, all that nervous energy, all of the alcohol did we appreciate it.
Boy, did we appreciate it.
I don't want for much right now, let me tell you. He strips us of our skin and our false fronts, rips the masks off, takes away the grace and we start again.
After my bath, a clean dress and the inevitable display while everyone arrived to see the handprint on my head, Lochlan made coffee and we took it out to the garden. We talked and we rocked and we checked out the progress of the yellow beans and the tomatoes and the grapes too. And we had a lovely day. A day by the sea, just for two. A day in the sun. A day in love. A day we used to dream about back in the overheated nights in the camper in between work shifts when we had three dollars but no food. A day we've actually never had before.
We topped it off with an early dinner at the diner, because we are creatures of habit, and we came back and lay in the hammock, watching the lights of the boats right through magic hour and then we went upstairs to bed where we actually slept this time, right through the night and I didn't think about grief or Jay or Caleb or Batman. I didn't think about being hungry or scared. Lochlan didn't think about being jealous or fixing things and we woke up and it's today.
Today.
Today I'm going to finish my chores quickly before it gets hot and then I'm taking some iced tea out on the porch. Today I'm going to order pizza for dinner. Today I'm going to be kinder to myself and to those I love. Today I'm going to do everything I want to do and more and also less, because it's a whole new day and that means a fresh start. A re-do. A new chance.
Actually today I need to go and return Jay's wallet. He would probably like it back.