(To be kind, this post contains spoilers for A Ghost Story, if you haven't seen it.)
Today was a little slower, a little more deliberate, a tiny bit foggy, led along by the elbow, shoved with a kind hand, coffee (regular, black, not from Starbucks, thank you Christian) held for me, purse held for me too and maybe I should have stayed home from church but I like to support Sam and it seems especially important to maintain a presence, keep the army close (if you will) when Matt is around so he knows that Sam has us and that we have Sam. I know that sounds awful but they continue to be off and on, but barely. This way Matt will someday understand precisely what it means to be a part of this Collective instead of existing alongside of it, something he asked of Sam and was refused. I've asked Matt to consider joining but he remains wary.
I can't say I blame him but at the same time it's a system that works and works well for the others so why not him too?
Ahh, yeah, I know the answer to that too.
But this isn't about Matt.
Last night while Lochlan was sleeping and Ben was sleeping too, I couldn't sleep and so I climbed out of bed and took a blanket and settled in on the couch with the ipad and some headphones. And I rented A Ghost Story. I purposefully broke a rule made for my own safety. I hit the Rent Now button and I watched it. Every minute of it, including the pie-eating scene that took forever, that I understood perfectly as only someone who has lost someone that close would.
I watched the part where he fell off the top of the building. I watched the whole fucking thing without even falling asleep like I always do and then I was really sad that I had done that because I can't un-see it or un-think it so I put the ipad back on the shelf (they're going to know what I did) and crawled back into bed in the dark and pulled and shook at both of them until they were half-awake and in as close as possible and only then did I feel safe enough to take another breath and close my eyes.
What an incredibly beautiful film.
I had nightmares all night. I woke up dreading my own brain and apparently Dalton had been up late also watching iTunes and got the first memo that it was available to watch and sent off a note to Lochlan who read his phone and swore and got up and left, coming back with a little pill and a glass of water. He sat down on the side of the bed and asked me why I seek out the misery like a sea to swim in, like a blanket I can wear.
It's familiar is all I can tell him. I know what it's supposed to feel like. It's comfortable.
He stares at me for a long time. Get ready for church, he finally says, and when I come back out showered, dressed and moving in heavily medicated slow motion I notice the ipad is gone from it's place on the shelf. Not a word from him as he turns so I can help him finish fixing his tie.
I am marched downstairs for breakfast, we're in our finest but we're certainly not at our finest, put in a chair and he fetches juice and a piece of toast. PJ starts to say something and Lochlan shoots him a look.
Sam comes down and kisses my cheek and I confess my sin to him. He gets down to look in my face, wiping toast crumbs from my cheek from eating from the middle of the slice instead of the corners.
Why did you want to do that when Jacob finally received his heavenly reward, Bridget?
I just needed to see how other people do it.
And?
It wasn't like that. It was about him not being able to deal with losing her. He was the ghost and he missed her. It was reversed. She moved on.
Like you have moved on, because it's good for you and it's what Jacob would have wanted for you?
Usually I would fight that but Lochlan's magic pills dull my defense mechanisms so I nod like a little kid.
No harm done then. I daresay it seems like it would be a beautiful film. Was it?
Very much so.
Then don't let it in, just leave it there as a beautiful thing that you have witnessed and take a deep breath.
I take one and he smiles kindly.
Ready for today then?
I nod and Lochlan is back, wrapping his hand around my head, pulling it in so he can kiss the top of it. He sits in the chair beside me and leans over. I watched it already.
Why?
So I'd be ready because I knew you wouldn't wait and watch it with me.
And?
It was beautiful. But very, very sad. I felt like it would be me. And that you would be her and maybe that's how it's supposed to happen.
It can't. Can it?
I don't know, Bridge. His eyes are green pools of despair suddenly. He doesn't want to know. Death has gone from a certainty to the biggest, most tangible frightening boogeyman there is and I want to stuff it back into it's appropriate-sized reasonable box and put it back with the rest of the top fears of all time, like spiders, heights, abandonment and very big dogs.
But not bears, because no one's afraid of bears.
How can I be afraid of death but not of bears? I'm not afraid of my death. Just theirs. And they're not afraid of their own mortality either, just each others, just mine. It's unbearable if you let your brain go to those places but sometimes my brain doesn't let me drive.
Okay, most of the time my brain doesn't let me drive. Let's face it.
The coffee was very very good. No milk. The heat was on in church and when we came home I had all the help in the world making the most wonderful Thanksgiving dinner you could imagine, and this time I was sent away with tea while they all pitched in to help clean up.
I asked him where the ipad was when he came to collect my teacup later. He wouldn't look me in the eye. I threw it off the cliff, he said quietly. It was all I could think to do. I'll replace it tomorrow.
You didn't burn it?
It wouldn't burn. That's why I threw it.
