This lightning stormWe're back on the stone patio in the freezing cold morning. I can see my breath. Today I wish I didn't have to see him. The further we get from Wednesday the more angry and guilty I feel. Shameful. Filthy and corrupted.
This tidal wave
This avalanche, I'm not afraid.
C'mon, c'mon no one can see me cry.
You're an adult. You make your own decisions.
Since when, Lochlan? I'm not even allowed to dress myself.
Case in point, another cold day, another hood pulled up and tied in a bow under my chin. Something you do when someone is four and hasn't learned their knots yet. I know my knots and I know some they don't even know. I can tie a bow but I choose to leave everything unraveled and pooled across my shoulders instead. If we're going to continue to repeat history in every different dynamic and incarnation we have at our disposal than I will revert and just stay young and leave it all in his lap. Only he keeps pushing it off and I can't get through to that hard head of his.
What do you want me to say?
What did Ben say?
He said to leave it be. We're not going to talk about it.
Well then why don't we just-
Because you are not Ben. I thought you were different now! I thought you were going to be there. When I went into the water-
Your life wasn't at stake this time, Bridget. Fuck. Do you know how crazy this makes me? I don't even want to think about it. When it comes to that I just shut down. I don't know what to say.
Say you're sorry.
You first.
We are facing each other, his face is set in stone. Expressionless except for that disapproving perfection. That expression that only I get and I hate it.
For what?
For doing what you do best, Bridget. Hellbent on ruining one more good thing to come into your life in a long time.
You say sorry, Lochlan!
I wasn't even there, Bridget!
Exactly! Maybe if you stuck around I wouldn't be like this.
So you're saying if I had asked you to leave, you would have come with me?
Yes.
He walks three paces the other way and then abruptly puts his arms up around his head and turns around, flinging them back down.
WHAT THE FUCK, BRIDGET. I can't fix what happened. And I don't think you care anymore, really. You run to the first person who puts their arms out for you. If you want to pin that on me you're going to have to look in a fucking mirror, baby, because I DIDN'T DO THIS TO YOU!
Stop it. Ben steps through the door and we both defuse instantly. You fucking ever yell like that at her again and I'll throw you off the fucking cliff, Loch.
Oh well. As long as we're doing death threats, happy Friday. It's like I'm not even there.
Oh, now that you've had your fun you're going to grow some balls, brother?
She's an adult.
No she isn't! He stopped suddenly, staring at me. Why can't you both stay away from him? Jesus Christ, just stay away from him. He backed away from me, shaking his head. He's in tears and he wants one thing in his life and he'll never have it. Ever.
I didn't answer him. I watch him go indoors. SLAM! I'm surprised all the glass hasn't shattered to the bottom of the door by now. After a fashion, Ben's voice from behind me. He is still staring up at the house while I have turned to watch the waves.
He needs help, Bridget.
He needs me. Admitting that makes me feel small and hopeless and guilty as sin. And I know Ben's about to measure out a little more length so I can roam just a little further away from him.
So go to him. I turned around. His face wasn't kind or generous. It was a test to see how close to the edges I would venture.
I passed with flying colors.
He'll come back to us when he's ready, Benny. He'll be fine.
I turned away again to provide Benjamin with the dignity of not having his relief recognized. I'm not a monster, it serves no purpose to capitalize on the doubts he won't admit to out loud.