And the tail-lights dissolve, in the coming of nightI'm sitting on the raft, waiting for Lochlan to swim back out and bring me in to shore. It's too far and I'm not a good swimmer. I'm still not a good swimmer. He would always stay beside me and take long slow strokes to keep pace or he would let me piggyback on him, arms around his neck the whole way out if he felt so inclined.
And the questions in thousands take flight
My love is the miles and the waiting
The eyes that just stare, and a glance at the clock
And the secret that burns, and the pain that won't stop
And it's fuel is the years
Leading me on
Leading me down the road
Caleb appears from the other side of the raft. The 'deep' side where the older kids hang out at the rope swing. He is twenty. I am twelve years old. I have secret dreams about him but it's rare that he pays me any attention. His wet hair is in his eyes, his trunks are dripping, low on his hips. He is thin but strong. Twenty-year old muscles look good in comparison to the ones of a seventeen-year-old Lochlan and a sixteen-year-old Cole.
Do you need help getting back, Bridget?
No, Lochlan is coming for me.
He stands, looking toward shore and he smiles into the sun, hand up over his brow to cut the glare.
I don't think he's coming out, Bridge.
He will. He's mad at me.
Why?
I want to go with him when he goes out with the show.
For the rest of the summer? What about swimming? What about your friends?
He's my best friend. I don't want to be away from him so long.
Everyone else is here, Bridge. You're too young anyway.
I'm not.
Wait a few more years. I'm heading in now. I can drive you home if you want to come with me.
I stared at Lochlan. He was talking intently to Bailey, his hand up pulling on his ear like he does when he's self-conscious but trying to look fascinating. Bailey only has eyes for Caleb right now, and she's staring back toward me, I make a motion for her to wait and I indicate that Caleb will drive us. She nods and I know she's about to ask Lochlan if he's going to come and get me for her so we can get home.
It's too late. Caleb sinks into the water and then waits for me to descend from the raft. I try and nonchalantly slide off the edge but it's scraping my legs so I push away and my head goes under instantly. Caleb reaches down and grabs my arms and pulls me back up and he pulls me in until his arms are around me and I didn't see but PJ always tells it like Lochlan stopped mid-sentence and ran down to the water, wading in and then diving under and that he's never seen a look like that on Lochlan's face before. I just remember wow, what a weird feeling to be in Caleb's arms and it's not bad but it feels really strange and good and then all of the sudden, Lochlan is there pulling me off Caleb and Caleb is laughing and Lochlan says something about thanks for taking care of her. Caleb says that someone should be and swims away.
Lochlan just stares at me for a moment and I'm not sure what I did to upset him so much. What I know is that he didn't like it. I got his attention by paying attention to someone else. Someone he considers competition maybe or someone he aspires to be like. I would file that away for future reference. Lochlan turns away now, pulling my arms around him and I lock my hands around his neck and huddle against his back as he slowly makes his way back to shore.
That night at the bonfire I am sitting between Lochlan and Christian. I have had three burned marshmallows and half a bottle of Schooner and I'm buzzing into the flames and zoning out, falling asleep because it's late and my head dips onto Christian's shoulder so he gives me a gentle shove until I lean the other way, against Lochlan. Lochlan kisses the top of my head but keeps talking. They are talking about cars. I am so tired from the fresh air. I can hear the music down the beach. Caleb and his friends have backed a truck down to the sand and the doors are open and Robert Plant is on, Big Log. Caleb is sitting quietly by a bigger bonfire watching the others make fools of themselves but he is a little bit blurry because my eyes keep closing and because there is fire blocking my view of him.
Soon Lochlan picks me up, carrying me to the truck in his arms. I'll never be a grownup at this rate and I am dismayed but I think I'm too drunk to walk and not awake anyway. He puts me in the passenger side and pushes me until I am lying down and then he gets in the driver's side and rearranges me, shoving his hoodie under my head. He drives and I fall asleep again. It's warm and safe and comfortable. He turns off the radio and I am in dreams.
I'm out of dreams suddenly. We have stopped. Lochlan is sitting with the engine off, his hand stroking my hair. I sit up abruptly, sleep leaving me. I look around but it's pitch black.
Where are we?
Just up from the dunes. Look that way. See the light from the buoy?
Oh, okay. What are you doing?
Just sitting. Letting you sleep. Thinking.
About?
I think maybe if you want to come with me for some of the work this summer, than you should.
I want to but how?
We'll just tell your parents that you're staying at the cottage with us. (I had been going to his parents cottage for years already.)
What about Bailey?
Same thing. She's busy with her friends.
Really?
I jumped on him, squeezing him hard. I was so excited. Old enough to go out with the midway. Lochlan's approval was my oxygen. He wanted me to go along. Best day of my life.
His arms closed around me and he didn't let go right away. We just stayed as we were. I was sitting on his lap and he was still belted in. He reached down with one hand under my thigh and unfastened his seatbelt. And he kissed me, not letting go an inch. I couldn't breath. I wasn't sure what to do. I just kind of stayed where I was and let him try and teach me without words how to kiss him back and then I figured it out quite quickly and his hands went to my head. He pulled me back and stared at me.
He swore softly, in my face.
I burst into tears.
We didn't move.
He pulled me in against his chest and I could look over the back seat and see the mess of beach towels, stacks of Chilton car repair guides, Pepsi cans and empty cigarette packs. I stayed clutching Lochlan's neck forever, it seemed. I closed my eyes. I started to go back into my dreams and he let go and I felt cold and he shoved me back into my place beside him and kissed my cheek and started the truck. We drove out of the dunes silently.
We never saw Caleb was sitting at the top of the boardwalk stairs above.
Two days later I was packed, wearing my baby blue backpack, waiting on the porch for Lochlan when Caleb drove up to pick up Bailey and her friends for yet another day at the lake.
You coming too, little Fidget?
No, I'm...heading to Lochlan's cottage for a week.
But Lochlan won't be there, he's starting Midway tomorrow.
I know. I'm just going to hang out there.
Bridget. I was seventeen once.
So?
I saw you guys the other night, after the bonfire.
So? (I'm caving in now. I don't understand.)
Don't cry. Just don't go to the fair, okay?
I won't.
You promise me? Please? When you get back from the cottage I'll take you out for dinner at the A&W drive-in in the car.
Just us?
Sure.
Okay.
He continued to look at me.
What?
It's just..weird. You're still a little kid but you're not a little kid anymore.
His eyes dropped to my legs. Brown and bare. I stood up, self-conscious, hugging myself. Caleb corrected his gaze.
I just want you to be careful of the wolves, Bridget. It's only going to get worse now.
That's what they call you, you know.
He laughed.
When will I see you?
Probably around the end of the third week of August.
You're staying at his cottage with his folks until he comes back from the Midway?
Yes.
You've already lied once to me, then.
I'm in tears as Lochlan pulls up. I hide my face behind my hands. Instantly there's a shoving match. Lochlan is the smaller of the two but he's brave. Caleb, for all of his burgeoning power, is not a fighter.
What did you say to her, Caleb?
That she needs to watch out for predators.
So you're showing her what one looks like?
Yeah, you. Caleb points at Lochlan, who counters with a fist. Miss.
This is none of your business, Caleb.
She's too young for you.
I'm not interested.
That isn't what I saw the other night. At the beach.
Oh, hell. It was a mistake.
One that's going to get a lot worse if you take her on this run.
Mind your own business.
I am. Leave her here.
Are you ready, Bridge?
Lochlan gives up and turns back to me. He takes my backpack off me and looks at his watch. He's breathing hard from the physical confrontation. He tries to smile at me and drops it quickly.
Yeah, let's go, Lochlan.
This isn't over, Loch.
Yeah it is.
Caleb just shook his head. Probably too cool to fight over a twelve year old. He was fighting from a different place. I understand that now. And he and Lochlan are still fighting and I'm sure it stems from that incident. But I also think that incident sparked a change in all of them. I was no longer the little girl following them around. I realized that the morning after the night Lochlan and I finally did seal our fate. I stood in the cornfield covered with dirt, crying with shame as he dug the hole, wishing we were burying Caleb instead of secrets. We had to go back and he would know. He would just know.
Funny how NOTHING EVER CHANGES.
Your move, asshole.