I stood on the balcony this morning overlooking the grounds and the ocean beyond. The water was the most beautiful shade of teal black I have ever seen. The fog was tight and invasive and it was freezing but I stood there anyway and let the rain ruin me. My scarlet slip was glued to my skin, my hair was pressed to my scalp and stuck to my back and I shivered so hard I wondered if I would fall over but I didn't move. Not an inch. Not a deep breath. I just let it take me in and I fell asleep with my eyes open, dreaming of shipwrecks and sea monsters and hard lives carried out along the edge of the unforgiving waters.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, that's a Jacob-remark if ever there was one but it came from Lochlan and I rolled my eyes. He came out with a blanket and put it around my shoulders but I didn't reach for it and so it slid to the floor. I shook my head once and he didn't catch it. Don't interrupt me, I'm escaping right now and I don't want you here but instead he continued to gently berate me only I couldn't hear a word for the competing roar of the surf against the steady downpour of the rain. Drowning in his words. Too small to touch bottom, too paralyzed to do anything about it. I swallow all of the water until the lights go out and everything is black.
This is how I die.
They don't like that and Lochlan could read the words in my eyes because I'm a billboard, everything I think is always clearly visible, just without context or timestamps and so he panicked and took me by the shoulders, turning me away from the water, waiting for my eyes to focus from nothing to his strawberry curls and soft blue eyes. Again with the gentle smiles, the oh my God she is so fucked up why are we persisting in letting her have this independence when she doesn't even know enough to stay out of the rain? look that leaves me happy he is as unsure and anxious and uncomfortable as I am because misery loves company. She adores it and invites it to dance. She bathes in it and kisses it and sleeps with it and dreams about it.
I shook my head again. Blue lips. Wild thoughts. Behave, princess, or they'll take you away from this.
Sorry, what?
What in the hell are you doing?
Thinking.
Can't you think where it's warm?
No?
Bridget, stop it.
Stop what?
This.
If you don't love me, go away. This is what I do.
No, it isn't.
Then you tell me my profession.
You write.
Ha.
Oh fuck off.
I haven't written anything worth reading in forever.
You've been under stress.
A low grade, slow-moving stress. I should be able to outwrite it.
Not when everything is new.
Wait, you're not supposed to be on my side, Lochlan.
I'm not used to being the rescuer.
Just the ruiner.
What?
Nothing.
Is it safe to leave you alone?
Never.
Bridge-
I'm fine. Really. I'm going to have a shower and get dressed and make coffee. Seriously. I'm fine.
You sure?
Yes.
I love you.
I love you too.
Bridget?
What?
What were you really doing?
Just enjoying the view. I missed the water.
Okay, but stay warm and dry to do it. You're going to worry Ben.
Sorry.
It's okay. See you in a bit.
Fine.
He stood there for a few more minutes. Not an awkward silence, just staring openly. I know what I looked like because once he was gone and had closed the door behind him, I went straight into my bathroom to run a hot shower and I met my reflection in the mirror halfway into the room.
Oh.
Lord.
Wow.
I wasn't the only one enjoying the view.
Caleb was sitting in his car in the driveway, with a perfect line of sight to my balcony.
