Thursday, 13 March 2008


To soften it, Ben made sure I was happy when he made his wake up call this morning. You know, the one in which he finally told me that the dates are extended through the first week of April.

Something he knew for a couple of weeks now (FINE, a week. He knew for a week, because somehow that MAKES IT ALL OKAY). The end date of March 17 had been retracted the day after it came out, and he didn't have the guts to tell me. Even after encouraging me to tell the kids when I said I wasn't going to tell them at all, in case it got moved back. It had already been moved back and he still pushed for me to give them something to be excited about.

I'm going ahead with my plans. Cole's mom arrives this weekend. She's with you-know-who in Toronto right now and then she'll come here, spend a night visit for a few hours because of the weather, take the kids back to the farm, and then after five days they'll be handed off to Jacob's parents, who will bring them back at the end of spring break as they accompany Erin back out-she is moving back out west permanently.

I'm excited that she's coming back for good. I'm thrilled that the grandparents are doing this for Ruth and Henry who are so excited they no longer sleep or wait turns to talk, chattering nonstop about the fun they're going to have. The kids being away will buy me a little time with telling them Ben is delayed.

Since Mark is with Ben, PJ and I are slightly cooling and Joel is gone, that leaves me alone to torture John, Andrew, Rob and August. Who are all busy and doing their thing and Ben had asked with a cringe of fear if I would just not be upset and I told him I wasn't and he was so relieved I think he promised to somehow make all my dreams come true whenever it is that he gets off his merry go round, when he's done and comes home and is bored and back to mundane real life.

I let him say whatever would ease his guilt because right between us, there on the phone was a huge flashing sign that said YOU LIED AGAIN and I wonder what else he's lied about and I wonder why I lied to him when I really was upset about it but instead I just pressed my off button and let it ride to preserve the day. It didn't work. It's sinking in that they're all selfish jerks who just take what they want and they leave the fallout all over the place and never clean up their mess.

I'm here, cleaning it up alone. But it isn't working and it just keeps happening and I'm not sure if they take advantage because I'm so fragile or if I just pick men that can't handle things and self-destruct but I know that somewhere, deep down, something has to give and I can't give anymore. I feel like calling up every last one of the guys and screaming them fully awake, telling them they knew. How could they encourage me so soon, how could they implore me to throw myself deeper into something knowing that when it didn't work that I'd be that much worse off because I haven't had time to figure out how to catch myself? I can watch myself fall, I can watch myself get smashed onto the pavement and it's curiously gratifying. Maybe now I can change my name and move somewhere benign and just start again.

Maybe I could find someone who isn't going to hurt me or lie to me or just use me.

Maybe pigs will fly.