Friday, 28 March 2008

Not safe.

    What did you say to me
    I'm not a novelty
    You're playing revelry
    But no one's listening

Emotionally things are different now.

I woke up at four-thirty this morning inside of a firework, explosions going off as synapses fired inside my little head, sleepily realizing that I was naked and sitting up, sitting in Ben's lap, my head lazing on his shoulder, his arms lifting me gently, over and over while he kissed up and down my collarbone. He has no qualms about touching me when I am sleeping, taking me out of whatever I'm sleeping in and doing whatever he wants to me. It doesn't surprise me anymore. I like it.

I didn't struggle. I dug in with my nails on his back instead. I sighed. He put his hand over my mouth, pushing me down onto my back again. In case I made a sound. I bit his hand and he grinned.

There are things about life now I haven't talked about. Things that are probably none of anyone's business. But things that keep drifting to the forefront of my mind and sticking there.

Ben is a lot like Cole. Way more like Cole than I let on.

Don't think I don't understand this. That Jacob was a wild tangent and I was meant to be not rushed and just admired and played with and appreciated for what I can achieve in Ben's arms and where I can get him. His best way of blowing off steam and being dark. His muse. Always his muse even though he denied it until last fall.

    Beautiful enemy,
    I'll fix your broken wings.
    I'll let you lie here till you
    fly away from me.

He's rather...dark overall. His passion just erupts in a rage of barely controlled strength and vulnerabilities of his own. He's gloriously cut and dried. I can work with this. He's predictable and beautifully depraved.

When it comes to sex, he is on. There is never off. He's never awkward or quiet like he is in regular Ben-mode. Ben is Ben all the time until the lights go out.

He is who I would pick to play off my predilections and I won't be made to feel sorry for saying that. He can match what I bring and then some. He leaves me hurting and physically ruined and breathless for more of the same. We match on a level I never expected to. Sexually he'll go anywhere I ask him to go and two past. We needed a safe word. He will pause and wait for me to invoke it, breathless, teeth gritted, hands shaking and I won't say a thing and he loves me to death. It took him all of three seconds for him to come to grips with my fragility inside his head versus my reality in his arms.

We traded fetishes. A match made in hell.

He evoked the word first, before I did.

And then we knew exactly where we lie.

He'll hold me down and force me out and not let me up. He'll match whatever I have inside my head and he'll find the dark and exploit it on my behalf. He is everything I ever wanted in that regard but I don't have to be afraid I might wind up dead in the process. He takes my goosebumps and my cries and forces me silent and still and then winds me out with his wants and then tells me he loves me more than he possibly thought he could ever love someone. We don't have to plan or ask or wish for anything. He knows of my issues and he'll indulge me in everything and anything. And I him.

Is it healthy? It depends who you ask. And when I am face-down with my hands behind my back I'm not your sweet princess and I'm not in a position to ask anyone anything. Half the time I'm not in a position to consent and that's just the way I want it.

The trust we broke there once before came back in mountains and eternities of faith in something I never looked for in Ben and found in spades after all.

Love, for love's sake. Love without fear, and love firmly grounded in reality. The perfect blend of Cole's fire and Jacob's romance, well-mixed and presented to me on a human form.

Had we not spent so many years learning each other from the ground up this would have gone a lot more slowly. Had we not had epic uncensored discussions on sex and fetishes and needs and wants and forbidden scenarios and half-assed invitations it might have been a less-spectacular coupling. Had we had any sense of common decency, I wouldn't have anything to share with you that makes my toes curl just like..that.

The echo of that is like music, isn't it? The promise of that warms my heart. That tiny fragment of twisted heart beating inside my chest in a cage made of bone and fight.

And it makes me so very happy.