There were some strange offers in my inbox this morning, but no, I'm not going to plot to kill Cole. I think he's digging his own hole just fine. Instead it looks like we'll be playing Survivor and everyone gets to see who can outwit, outplay and outlast each other. I guess I should make a flag. Yes, I can joke. Life is a circus, jokes keep me from falling apart. Resiliency is key here.
And I am nothing if not resilient.
I'm used to waiting for good things. I'm used to having large blocks of time with which to think. I'm a writer, I'm used to exploiting my own emotions for great material. I can wait him out to have control over my own life once again. I can do this.
I got a lot written last night. That after hours of reassurance from Jake that yes, Cole is in jail now and he screwed himself out of even his supervised visits with the kids for the time being and possibly screwed himself out of his job. But none of it matters, what matters is we are safe for now and we'll live each day brand new and just deal with that day as it is given to us. I sound like Jake now. Too funny.
Then he started speaking my language and stepped out of his reverend shoes. He was surprised and disappointed that I even dared to consider the possibility that he would get tired of Cole's shit and walk away from us. I reminded him that we never expected Cole to flip out either so why should I expect no surprises from Jake? Despite popular opinion I have no fucking control over anyone.
That drove him right outside. Fine, go. I've got enough of my own hell to work through, thanks. Let's meet for breakfast at sunrise.
He was back inside before I finished a page. He looked half-crazed. He yelled at me. Strike one buddy, I'm so not in the mood for this.
Is that what you think? Do you think that I'm going to flip out and hurt you like he did?
Shhhhh! You'll wake the kids up Jake. Stop. yelling. at. me. I don't know what I think anymore.
My God, Bridge. I would never hurt you.
He just stopped talking and shook his head. Then he turned and went back out. I followed him downstairs to the front porch and we took our familiar places on the swing. He put his arm around me. I am still so angry. I can't speak. He is shaking. Well, that's new. How to push Jacob's buttons in the exact wrongest way ever.
I'm not leaving you. I don't care if Cole shows up with Satan's army. Fuck him. I will keep you safe.
How noble. (because I'm on a posturing roll here.)
Bridget. Don't. Don't project this on me. Use me to get your anger out and don't make it about us.
Right. Okay then.
Stop it. (I do)
I can't. Because it just keeps going and I wish we were far from here. THIS makes me nuts. I hate being scared, I hate being angry. I hate that you yelled at me. In my head I acutally gave you one strike.
He laughed, in a totally half-assed tired way you do when you're incredulous.
I'm sorry. That's hilarious. I only raise my voice when you stopped listening to me. I wasn't yelling at you. I know your eyes when you do that, don't think you have me fooled, Bridge.
You're good.
I know.
Stop it. I can't joke right now.
Then don't lose faith now. And don't doubt me. Ever. If there is one thing I could have given you over the past ten years I would have hoped it would have been the reassurance that I am here for you no matter what happens and I always will be.
Could I have that thing that you just said engraved or tattoed on something?
Could you stop doing that and just believe me?
I do.
You don't. And I don't know how to fix that and it makes me crazy.
Who said you have to fix it?
Because I fix everything.
So you're saying you have your own issues.
No, I'm saying I want you to lean on me with no doubts ever. I know that's asking a lot.
Why, Jake. Why do you let me do this?
Because I love you, Bridget. And you are my gift and I want for nothing more.
Aw geez. I guess I can remove the strike.
So then what should I do if you're not listening anymore. Since I can't yell?
Kiss me instead.
I can do that.
And this is the sort of post you will get after 8 cups of coffee and zero sleep. Now I'm wondering how many days I can just post conversations and get out of writing a real post. Ha.
