(Shallow graves and deepest fears Someone tell me why I'm here).

 Dear lord. I don't think I'll make it through this album. This is the new Slipknot (The End, So Far). It's somewhat like a warm bath.They always have been. Familiar but more. Always love them. Love their masks, love the whole angry scary vibe that is pretty mellow IRL. Like all my boys. An easy choice. But their slow songs eviscerate me and maybe they always will. They seem to find a heart string and pluck it so hard it breaks and you're left out of tune.

Adderall is the hardest one here. Fight me. Softest actual melody but most difficult to listen to, I mean. 

Today I again am noticing huge blocks of time slipping by. I need to be better with time management here, as it keeps coming up on days after I write instead of hours and I keep promising to change but I am doing my best. I am still waiting for the terror to stop, still amused that I can drive myself into the ground physically here and have no concept of repair. I still hope for miracles that have been long cancelled and I vow to make the most of this even as I am paralyzed by it. 

My nails are too long. I can hardly type. I keep nicking the bowls I am waiting to trim. But I don't care, either. We managed to get our Covid vaccine appointments in a big block at an unfamiliar pharmacy for this Saturday so I expect everyone will spend Sunday sleeping, as always. I am trying to pregame the chores, thus and am defrosting the stupid freezer so we can fix it tonight. Got the part, just have to stick it on. Fun. 

Then mowing and landscaping. My arms are killing me so I'm sure I'll be left out of the fun but I have things I want to do towards winter and the boys don't prepare as much. 

I'm also going to drop everything and watch Dahmer this afternoon. I think Dalton is going to join me. Andrew said he might too. Friday afternoon cinema. I got an email about advance tickets for Halloween Ends and I'm on the fence. Evil dies tonight was a lie, I guess. Mike Myers never dies and I will be enraged if he walks away at the end but also enraged if they finally kill him. So no one wants to take me to the show. I will make Lochlan do it. He was there at the start. We have to see this thing through.

The antithesis of Diabhal (career version).

It's the season of sweaters in the morning and barely anything in the afternoon since it's gotten to twenty-five degrees just about every day. Three months without more than a day of meaningful rain. Three months of unbearable heat. A long stretch of being miserable in my own skin and I am tired. Today I walked around in a long fuzzy pink duster cardigan and combat boots. More than one comment asked me if I was wearing anything underneath and I gave wrong answers only, just for funsies. 

My head hurts. 

I worked yesterday (in proper clothes). All paperwork and filing and then a last minute run to get coffee and sweetener for the break room which is really a small side table outfitted with warm bottles of water, a big ancient Keurig and two cups filled with powdered creamer and powdered aspartame. 

This lawyer has no airs. Zip. Zero. No people skills either. Usually the lawyers are smooth and charming and try to invite me out for drinks or at least buy me dinner but this one asked if I had a Per Diem in my contract and then pushed his glasses up his face and frowned at his computer again. I offered to get him a coffee and he laughed and told me to close the door on the way out. He was not supposed to be there but at the same time it was easier to have direction from the horse's mouth, so I knew exactly what had to be done and it seems to be some of everything. 

But there were fumes in the building and the printing was small on all the pages and I had breakfast but no lunch and therefore, headache. 

And there was an extra twenty dollar on my pay for that lunch, just to be sure. 

I might go back next week. We shall see!

Last minute/ice crystals.

I got cold feet last night, weirded out by all the early storm reports from my beloved East Coast and almost at the same time a gradual frost hardened Lochlan's heart, insulating him from whatever generosity he felt briefly flitting past us, a spectre of a time when we tried to find a warm place on a cold point. 

Tell him it's off. A quiet command from the dark of the front porch. It gets dark before I can bring my tea out now, later than ever due to a last moment freezer-defrost which caught me by surprise. The fridge is technically broken but parts have been ordered and honestly we don't need either a water dispenser nor do we need an ice maker and if this doesn't get fix on the first go I'm never buying a huge expensive fridge again as the ones that are white and have a tiny freezer up top never ever break and this is the second time we've had to fix this one. At least the boys are handy. At least the parts are plentiful. But talk about badly made. Holy shit. 

So at ten pm after many delays I cancelled on Caleb who said it was my call, and that he understood, no pressure and another time. I'll see him at brunch tomorrow. He'll miss me but one drink has sent him and he's going to sleep anyway. That he loves me. 

I replied with a heart and breathed a sigh of relief. My bread stayed frozen. The big freezers outside took the bulk of what I had on hand and I am so tired suddenly. I just want my tea and a deep breath. We sat on the swinging double chair and I had both. 

I already did. 

An inaudible, barely noticeable breath held and then Lochlan nods in my peripheral vision. 

Smart, Peanut. I don't think I'm ready to be without you again. 

Then don't be. I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes and I woke up this morning to the sun. 

Blood of my bl- Enemies? Yes, that's it.

I had a long weekend planned with Caleb. Well, Friday afternoon to Sunday morning. We were going to marathon horror movies and eat take-out Chinese food and not leave his wing, enjoying the rare rain and a bit of a break before the fall routine sets in. Today is the first day of fall and there is lots to do on the horizon. 

And then my period started. That stupid thing I haven't had to deal with in over four months returned triumphantly like a toxic aunt from an overseas sojourn. I was stunned, frankly. I thought it was done forever. And now I'm back to square one and enjoying an endless hot flash. I've sweat through three outfits already and my whole week is off the rails now. 

Let's reschedule. I found Caleb on the porch. I put my hands over his forehead and leaned way over his shoulder and he pulled me right off my feet and into his lap. I might have kicked him good in one ear in the process but if I did he didn't notice. 

Why, Neamhchiontach? Loch having second thoughts?

I tell him what's happened and he looks concerned. 

Been a while. 

Yes. 

Interesting how it comes back the minute we are together again. 

Oh, you're right. Weird. 

No, evil, remember? He smiles. Amused but not deterred. 

So maybe next weekend instead? Since this throws a huge wrench into our plans?

Who said that? It's fine. We're still on. 

Then the wicked smile plays across his face and the reasons why I run from him flickered across my memories, reflected in his medium blues. 

It might even make things more fun.

The horror queen is coming back. Even PJ bailed on me for this one.

Ooh. The boys were watching Cyberpunk tonight and last night and I didn't have much interest in it so I stayed upstairs by the fire and rewatched Children of the Corn. Yes, the original. From 1984 (it's on Youtube even!) which was the summer I was thirteen and I ran around all of the rest of that year calling Lochlan Malachai whenever he got mad because of the red-hair similarity. 

Wow. That movie did not pass the test of time. The most glaring hardship being Linda Hamilton playing a damsel in distress (badly, too). And Peter Horton's Nike colour change halfway through. And Isaac being the roadmap for the kid who would later play Joffre in Game of Thrones. Creepily similar.

I had forgotten all about the ridiculous fire-monster-god-thing that bubbled up when the whole mess was solved, not with a Molotov cocktail, but with a Molotov cocktail thrown in the right direction. 

Disappointed? Maybe a little bit. 

Damn.

Oh my god. My brain is a blunt object these days.

Since we're on Pacific time I missed the funeral. I don't sleep so purposefully waking up at all hours when there will be days of minute recap to come would be foolhardy. 

Also, I don't really like funerals but I see that the queen had a good send off and that's the important part, I guess. I wish they'd let Harry wear his uniform. He still served, whether he's a working royal or not. So dumb. I also think if he had married Chelsea instead he would still be a working royal. 

Just dumb commonwealth thoughts, I suppose. 

I mopped today. I got the boys out of my hair, sending them out to pull down vines and cut down spent plants for the year and work on finishing the back and I did the carpets, then swept the floors and then mopped and did a deep clean. I contemplated adopting a cat or two. I am shooting for maybe after Christmas with that. Maybe not but it's good to have a loose plan, as I have said many times before. Something to look forward to? A reward? A new companion to love on? The dog has never had so much attention in his life, and today I even rubbed coconut oil on his little toe beans so they will be conditioned and nice going into the cold weather. It feels like fall but this week is supposed to be hot still. I did a lot toward shifting the house to the fall and winter season. We winterize and cover things, we take in fragile glass lanterns and string lights that won't survive the rainy season as much as the box says they should, we swap fans for thick blankets flung on the backs of chairs or couches and we start taking inventory on firewood. 

We get a new furnace filter. 

We will soon bring in the hoses and turn off the valves to outside and we will wear sweaters and pants. I feel like I spent the whole summer in one outfit. I feel like I couldn't go outside much because it was so hot and now soon it will be wet and cold. I have to enjoy this time in the middle before it's too late. 

I will try.

Employee #1.

I got a joooooobbbb. 

Again! 

Ha.

No coffee shop bullshit this time. Just pure one day a week executive management and organization. So I will clean/stock/file and organize. This person is a friend of Batman's, it's safe and they want someone they can trust, the pay is really good, I can bring my own playlist and it's time alone to sing, scrub, think and neaten a three-room office and then I can clock out when I am done. There are plants to look after and supplies to pick up. There are fun perks. There is just enough to make me feel useful without much pressure or a huge time commitment. I love it. I hope I love it, I mean but even if I last one single winter it will be nice. 

Lochlan is on the fence. He worries when I leave the house. He tells me I can bail on it any time I want. He is thinking it's unnecessary but he's wrong and I need the confidence and the satisfaction of a job well done. I need to be out of the house so I can appreciate it. I need to show even him that this is a cool thing.

I don't know when I start. Maybe this week, maybe next but I will still be around. 

Wish me luck. The 'friend' of Batman's is a known as a tough customer but they called me a 'doll' (sounds familiar) and I think that's a good sign. Or maybe a red flag. Naw, he won't be there when I am. The office is closed early in the week.

Fall. Thinking big thoughts today. Future thoughts and bad thoughts and every thought in between.

I cleaned out the trucks today. I have three sets of jumper cables and a jump starter in my Jeep alone. Ha. Also two snow brushes and a shovel. And a book about how to use my tow straps that's written in Dutch. 

Useful things. 

I replaced the batteries in the four flashlights though and added a lighter since there are already waterproof matches in there. Curious about the zip ties in the commercial break down kit. Are those in case I want to kidnap someone? Make a citizen's arrest? Then what is the duct tape for? 

Also cute little orange cone the size of an ice cream cone. That will be visible in the event of an emergency I'm sure. I am nothing if not organized to a fault. The minute they mention 'snow' coming to the mountains I prep the trucks and swap out my Birkenstock Arizonas for my Bostons and start gathering up and dumping outdoor plants. 

Phantom of the Opera is closing on Broadway in February. I won't get to see it. Dahmer is coming to Netflix and I don't want to see it. Jar of Hearts is trying to wedge itself back into my brain and I'm contemplating going off my medications since it's been six and a half months and I've been in zombieland for all of two entire seasons plus and I don't like how this feels. 

But. BUT. 

I'm curious if I would live through it. I almost imploded before Spring and I don't want to do that again. 

I want to throw some mugs but I got bitten (not by Caleb! Surprise! Fun cat in the neighbourhood and since I lost both my cats this year so far to old age I was trying to make friends but he wasn't interested!) I want to sleep but when I go to bed I am wide awake. I want to spend my time more efficiently but it's tough when everyone still needs a piece of me and oh, lord help me. I am planning for Christmas. Not like things aren't out in the stores. So don't blame it on me.

Learning about oxygen saturation.

Having my gasping while waking up investigated. Ha. I sleep four hours a night, who has time to run diagnostics? It's too bad we can't just use a code reader like on vehicles. Plug it in and say, ah yes. There's the problem. 

I have a reader but it's going to test the amount of oxygen in my blood and how many times an hour it drops. This should be fun. 

In other news, I managed to get my boyfriend back along with my email. But this time I got to level the caveats. Caleb pressed his dark hair down against my light hair and let out a long sigh while I detailed all the horrible things I would let the boys do to him if he hurts me again. It's incredible how emotionally delicate he is with me and how physically careless, almost like night and day. 

And so far I have always politely and firmly demanded, hysterically pleaded and thunderously begged the boys not to hurt him in return. 

This time I will turn lights on them, even encourage them should he cross that line. 

He's not going to. 

I believe him when he tells me this. His hands shook. He could not meet my eyes. He didn't like being cut off, didn't like being left out, wouldn't stand for the lack of comfort he could get so easily before. 

I made him watch all my shows with me. 

(That was I think the only part Lochlan liked. He no longer had to watch episodes of Wanteez. Which is hilarious.) 

I made him promise me the moon and stars and then demanded he not even look at them, that they were mine. I put him on trial. I gave him an apprenticeship. I treated him ridiculously terribly. I acted like a brat. I levelled all of his crimes at him when he protested. I made him repeat them back and reminded him that he will forever be grateful that I allow him to be in my life at all. 

I think he's beginning to see the light. 

But yeah, I took him back because clearly I'm weak and his charm is my kryptonite and we all know that was going to happen but apparently it took longer than people thought it would. There is only one week left of summer. He missed the whole thing. 

(Which is fine, I did too.)

Exercise, fresh air and good nutrition. It's almost like having TB.

Point Perdition has become somewhat of a sanitorium as of late as we struggle to keep up. The house is in good shape, inside chores are done since we can all pitch in while the outside suffers. I went out to the front porch to clear away tea mugs left overnight and an envelope that was on the grass and decided to remove the pretty wire trellises from the flowers since the flowers have been cut back. I brought the trellises around to the garage where I have a stack of them that will remain for winter and then went back up the steps and up to the porch to get everything else and go back inside. Then I had to lie down for half an hour. I have no energy. None. 

Not for sex, not for yard work, not for the painting I want to get done before winter, not for smiling, not for adventurous cooking (or eating, for that matter. Last night I had a handful of chips for supper), not for putting on outside clothes. 

Just wah. 

We are supposed to go to the Roger Waters concert tomorrow night. That will be a haul. Not sure if we'll be able to. Really on the fence. Blessed to be able to not be sad if we stay home, since I've seen him before but honestly sick of missing out too. But recovery is most important, as is never catching this again. It sucks. It sucks so unbelievably much.