Barrister noon.

I realize it's Monday, yes. I was up so early today (long story) that I walked right past the keypad without turning off the alarm and opened the back door and treated the whole point to a blaring siren at 4:45 a.m. I think the dog would have peed on the floor right there without going outside but he saw the look on my face and chose wisely. Then I started coffee and tried to pinch myself to make something hurt below the neck because my voice wasn't working, I couldn't breathe and then I realized that there are only eighteen hours to go and I can go back to bed and try again to get some sleep. I'm not good at this. I think I figured out what sends people into the hospital for two week stretches. 

They aren't crazy and they aren't in rehab, they're just fucking tired. Tired is a bitch, she is. She makes you want to give up and just cry. She makes you throw caution to the wind. She makes you feel completely and utterly unhinged. See the picture of the mug? PJ bought that for me a year ago and he's used it ever since for his own morning coffee. Because everyone needs to feel like a princess, even big bouncer-types with beards. 

In other news, the next person who writes to me to tell me how selfish and horrible I am may please fuck off far in advance. Did I give you Ben's side of the story here? No? Exactly. Maybe because it isn't my place to have to be the one to point out that he basically said he was happy to be home but not interested in pretending we can just pick up where we left off because he's not sure he wants to. That he'll be 'around' but I am not to wait for him. I'm not to..something something, Bridget, please don't cry.

Yeah, envy me. 

Seriously. 

So basically I took my passport back down to be kept by it's master and accepted a glass of champagne for lunch (this is how the other half lives) and fell asleep standing at the big window, my head on the glass while Caleb tried to talk me out of, oh, pretty much everything. 

I just kept saying I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. 

I am too tired to care.

Escaping with the ghost of Freddie Mercury.

I think we're going to keep those rules after all.

Tried to be a teacher and a fisher of men, an equal
Will you lead us all the same?
Well I traveled around the world
To find a brand new word for day
Watching the time, mustn't linger behind
Pardon me I have to get away
What will you think of heaven
If it's back from where you came?

It was sort of an epiphany. We were sitting in a scraped-up booth in a well-worn restaurant with a view of train tracks and a truck lot. Lochlan was reaching across his own plate to steal a french fry from me. He made designs in the ketchup on his plate with the fry before popping it into his mouth. He reached for another, talking to the plate instead of to me, telling it that he will do whatever it takes, that if we didn't have this moment as a sign that we're meant to be together after all this time then he didn't know what else he could do. That we had to figure it out and move forward already. We're wasting daylight.

Everything is a metaphor for movement. We're stuck up to our wheel wells in quicksand and we need to get out. It's so easy to throw it into reverse and then we just get stuck again in the same hole.

It's simple, he smiles at the thick china plate. We just have to go forward.

I nod and cough into my elbow. I've left a smear of mustard on my sleeve and on my cheek but I'll get a pass, because I'm only a child.

Are you with me, Peanut?

Where else would I be?

What will we do about the mess? He indicates my face and sweater with a half-eaten french fry but he's not taking about my outfit anymore.

I put both hands up in surrender. I don't think we can do anything. This is sewn up tight, Locket. Caleb's not going to give in and I can't put the children through any more. I just..

Let me put it another way. He drops the fry, leans in close across the table, crosses his arms and lets a soft smile play across his face. Do you remember when everything was against us? Nothing was going right, we had nothing but we still had one thing. What was it?

I don't-

Think hard, Peanut.

I smile in spite of myself. Each other! We had each other.

Was it enough? Is it enough to fight through this and see what's up ahead instead of always looking over our shoulders?

Always. Yes. 

He looked so proud for that split second before I started coughing again, and when I was finished he reached across the table with a napkin to clean the mustard off my cheek, threw two twenties on the table and stood up, holding his hand out for mine. I took it, germs intact. He should be sick within a week if they don't kill him first.

Home sweet home.

Home a little early due to erroneous forecasts, not because I'm at death's door, knocking like my ass is on fire, hoping Jake will fling the door open wide and let me in out of this rain.

Because that's besides the point.

Friday 1:15 pm

For lunch it's pizza! I hope I can taste it but since Loch always gets anchovies when available I don't think I'll have much trouble. We stopped in at a pharmacy and got some better medicine and I had a long walk on an unfamiliar beach and another nap so things are looking up. Also cream soda! Because if I have any more orange juice I'll barf.

Friday 9:09 am

Twelve hours sleep and I woke up barking like a baby seal when I cough. I'm not sure if I'm better or worse. The heater went out twice overnight from what Loch said but he got it going again both times. What if he blows us up? PJ thinks we should pack it in and come home early but we have a lot of talking to do and so I said no. We leave tomorrow night as it is. I don't feel like having breakfast so Loch ordered coffee, juice and a plate of hashbrowns for me. I never turn those down.

Thursday 7:15 pm

My fever rests at 102 now. I don't know if it's because Lochlan is always so warm when we nap or if I'm sicker than I even realized in my bid to be so stubborn. We're at a pub now that boasts state lottery, pool tables and handmade burgers and the server was dispatched to bring us some chicken soup and crackers.

The camper has a tiny little wonky heater. I don't trust it, it took Lochlan 35 minutes of tinkering with it to get it to turn on so I'm guessing a combination of strep throat and post traumatic stress disorder will be what kills me. It's been fun. Soup is here.

Beaches in HD.

I'd let you go, but you're always in the way
I'm the damage done, your scar of yesterday

Hi Oregon.

Five and a half hours of fighting over music in the truck with Lochlan. Just like old times. Especially when we stop for lunch and he says,

Hey, by the way, you'll have to get all your stuff in on wi-fi at places like this because there's no wi-fi in the camper. 

Camper?

Sending us off with terrible poetry.

There's a big blackboard on the kitchen wall. I used to draw elaborate menu plans on it so everyone would know what we were having and could pitch in but lately it's been taken over by budding haiku artists. I'll let you decide who wrote which one.

I'm taking Bridget
To a place where she can sleep
See you Saturday

This is such bullshit
She needs to recuperate
Don't let her die, Bro

Have fun Mom and Dad
Everything will be just fine
Ignore these losers

Hang in there, Love.

You've been drifting and stealing
Trying to walk in my shoes
But they don't belong to you
You know, you know
But you can't find the meaning
Sing to yourself and hold on
Cause everybody's on the run
Everybody's on the run

I skid to a stop in front of the Devil, waiting for my inspection. I know I'm going to fail. My hair is escaping from the knot at the nape of my neck, my shorts are too short and my t-shirt says WEEZER on the front. The end of my nose is bright red and raw.

Is there any way I can talk you out of this? He isn't fit to look after you, you aren't fit to travel and Ben-

Ben is busy and Loch does just fine as long as you aren't around. 

What if you have an emergency? What if you get sicker than you are now, which is too sick to go, frankly.

We drive home. Jesus. I'm not going to Siberia. Or even Los Angeles for Christ's sake. 

Bridget, you might as well be. I don't like it when he takes you far from home. 

He feels the same way about you. 

Can I...Can I give you a little emergency cash? And a number across the border should you need anything?

No, you may not. If I have any problems I will ask someone for help. Like an adult. I'm sure if all I have on is a bikini help will find me, you know? 

Bridget, it's almost October. I hope you're not thinking that will be appropriate wear for the beach now. 

No.

Oh, good, I was beginning to-

I'm bringing a sweater. 

Jesus, Bridget. 

I'll bring you back a souvenir. Maybe it will make you less cranky.

Invalid arguments on rainy Tuesday mornings.

Ben swore up and down that he would save me a slice of pizza last night so I could warm it up for breakfast but then he ate it. Then he and PJ decided it was a very good day to listen to Pantera on the stereo and I woke up so much worse than yesterday, complete with what sounds like whooping cough that I lunged for my reader and bought Doctor Sleep on it instead of trying to get to the bookstore later this morning.

(It opens at ten and I am still plotting and scheming, even though the book is in my lap.)

I had reheated beef and vegetable soup for breakfast and the leftover grapes from someone's lunch that they didn't eat yesterday and now I'm waiting for UPS because we had yet another pair of lifetime-warranty headphones bite the biscuit and really it would just be easier to cut the price in thirds and provide no warranty at all like in the good old days when things were built to last for years instead of weeks because now an exchange or replacement involves seven hundred emails, a trip to the UPS store to send out the broken thing and a whole day waiting around the house for the new thing to be delivered on whichever day fits UPS's schedule instead of mine.

Thankfully it coordinated on a day when I'm feverish and have a new book to read and have to stay home anyway, but that's not the point. The point is Ben owes me pizza for lunch now and the minute he turns his back I'm changing the CD back to Pallbearer, because it makes me feel better.

So there.