Defeatist.

Am I nice? I must be nice.

I approach every new situation as one in which I ask for help figuring it all out and today I was met not once, but three times with people willing and capable of making our lives extremely easy and efficient when they had no pure incentive to do so other than the prospect of helping someone out who needed help.

I needed that. I needed help to make the day smooth and I had to trust strangers. I took a breath and did it and it all worked out.

So the day is wrapping up and I'm taking that breath for the first time since eight this morning.

Things aren't going all that smoothly with my patient. Things are downright rough but after all these ER trips and today a surprise trip to the surgeon I feel like there's hope in sight. I will try to stay positive and tonight I'm going to make my gratitude list here because I need to see it written down. Here's all the things I'm completely, unabashedly grateful for today:

-Queer Eye Season two. (I'm not crying, you're crying.)
-Memes. Because memes.
-The impending picture galleries from the Gathering. Seriously. They're just all spectacle. It's incredible. I love it. It reminds me of the circus.
-A car full of gas and in good repair for my four trips into town today. Easy traffic (well). Worried boys.
-Prayers from Sam for energy and compassion. I am always low on the former and never ever run out of the latter.
-A big old wet juicy kiss from Lochlan this morning, almost in our sleep.
-A text from my boyfriend reminding me he has unlimited, infinite resources, if I need them.
-PJ slipping a granny smith apple into my bag.
-Picking the first cauliflower of the season.
-Henry having a day off the point with friends and having a blast.
-OH. I preordered Alice in Chains' new album, Rainier Fog. I love that name. We see them next month. SO excited. I also preordered Eisley's I'm Only Dreaming..of Days Long Past because acoustic versions of anything make me so happy.
-Ben saved me a chocolate chip cookie for after dinner. I baked a huge ham in between making trips into town. I'm a multitasker, finally.

Stuck in my jumpsuit (a pep talk for one or twenty. You pick).

We never got it right
Playing and replaying old conversations
Overthinking every word and I hate it
'Cause it's not me ('cause it's not me)
And what's the point in hiding?
Everybody knows we got unfinished business
And I'll regret it if I didn't say
This isn't what it could be (isn't what it could be)

You could break my heart in two
But when it heals, it beats for you
I know it's forward, but it's true

A reprieve last evening. Reading up on the news. Watching Selena Gomez and Twenty One Pilots videos with Ruth. Eating fried eggs and spicy sausages. Shopping for pretty shirts to wear when it's too hot outside to breathe. Having lemonade and vodka late, when the temperature dipped back down to reasonable. Being cranky with each other, but mildly, in order to find civility in the craziness. Trying to take deep breaths. Trying to keep up.

Henry's birthday was yesterday. We celebrated quietly over the past weekend, with gifts on Saturday, a special dinner and cake on Sunday and of course yesterday Henry had cake for breakfast and cake for a bedtime snack. You would think he is related to me for the love he has for cake, wouldn't you?

The only person who likes cake more than me is Caleb.

(Surprise, motherfucker. Right?)

(Forty-eight messages on my phone from him right now and I don't know what to do.)

Today is going to be better. My work is cancelled for the week, the heat is supposed to let up after today and hopefully this time everyone is on a roll toward greater things. I think yesterday was a hiccup, a wrinkle in the fabric of time. A bad day, when most of them are actually pretty good.

Let's have a good day, guys.

Such a PRO at Emergency Rooms. Got our parking, brought my book and a granola bar, just in case. Six hours and fistfuls of Percocet later (HA), we're home again.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Fresh starts are a blessing.

This week's big small goals:

1. Get everyone to 100 percent, physically and mentally.
2. Eat outside every night for dinner, Monday through Friday. 
3. Celebrate Henry's birthday in style (17!!)
4. Get him driving at least twice.
5. Work three shifts without wanting to cry/quit
6. Find a place to buy cute summer patchwork apron tops.
7. Sit under the strings lights and listen to the wind thread it's way down the mountain (this can be accomplished alongside #2
8. Make butterscotch ice cream with raspberries.
9. Work on knitting and finish watching Queer Eye. 
10. Plan out the month of August. 
11. Breathe. 
12. Pray.
13. Be/Bee.

Wish me luck!

A conversation in three easy pieces.

When life gets really really overwhelming, God yells CATCH, Bridge. It's not a contest to see who can take the most suffering or difficulty, it's simply a reminder that life is full of ups and downs, it's unpredictable. It can be easy or hard. But you don't control it. He does. 

He needs to let me take over for a bit. 

What would you do? 

Firstly, I'd turn the waterfalls to chocolate syrup. 

Really. You're given power over mankind and you decide to be Willy Wonka? 

Maybe. 

Sam laughs and sips his iced tea. We're on the big hammock down by the gate to the beach. It's more private, quieter somehow. I had to be talked into it, but my iced tea isn't iced tea, so that helped.

What else?

All horses would be pegacorns. 

What is that?

Wings and horns. 

Oh. 

Just imagine. 

Those are not the things I would do. 

No, I don't imagine. 

I would ensure peace between all living souls. 

Ha. Going to start with Lochlan and Caleb? 

They're on the list. 

We rock some more. It's growing dark. The mosquitoes are coming out. Sam doesn't notice but I start to get itchy just thinking about them.

Okay, there has to be something fluffy you would do. 

I'd give people tails. 

Tails? 

Yes, tails. Like monkeys or lions. Then they would remember where they came from and what they lower to.

They'd also be easier to catch. 

Glory, Bridge. You think of everything.
 

Why, yes, they did have the World Cup on in the OR prep area. I really wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry so I continued doing both.

The gratitude here today is fresh-baked and still warm, as my wanderlust was quickly drowned, never to be seen again, dissolved in an acid bath of sheer panic.

I held it together well, though. Go me.

I even not only found the hospital and paid for parking but I found the ER and navigated registration, triage and the long wait afterward.

Then I did it all again on Wednesday. LOL

No, seriously. I did. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Where are the boys. Why can't they do this. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

(Be an adult)

(No)

(Tough. Do it anyway)

(Fine)

By yesterday morning I was so done with the whole thing. I need sleep. I need a shower. I'd like a meal, or better yet a drink. I'd like a little break. Here I was teetering over the edge of exhaustion, a trickle into a stream and now it's a waterfall and I'm keeping my white-knuckle grip here, best as I can.

But we lived and now we're home.  To freshly-made beds, freshly scrubbed bathrooms, freshly-watered gardens, laundry caught up, and reunions full of laughter. Finally.

The only difference is that now, one of us no longer carts around a ruptured appendix.

(Not me. I still have mine. I'm tempted to have it removed preemptively, however.)

Honor among thieves.

This is the calm before the storm
This is the sea between the isles
And this ain't the time to chase the dawn
This is the time to count the miles

So hold your fire and clear your mind
You won't get left behind

I can't sleep. The night is cool and quiet, the house muted. Someone left a light on in the kitchen. I wander quietly through rooms, turning off lights, closing curtains. Checking doors and windows. I touch the door at the end of the hall before the foyer. PJ's domain now. Used to be Lochlan's. I miss crawling in with Lochlan when he wasn't the way he is now. When history didn't jam itself down between us like a wall, separating us until we can no longer even touch without the world burning its reaction into our lives with a swift flash of flame.

I miss a lot of things.

I miss being everything to you. He says it softly behind me. Pulling on pajama pants, following me as I made my rounds, me oblivious to any sound he would have made, Lochlan's been behind me this whole time. But the house is muted for me virtually all the time, not just in the late hours before dawn. I wouldn't hear him if he were an intruder and yet the person I trust most in this world just walked up behind me and stuck a knife into my heart.

I start to shake my head as he pulls me in but he twists the knife and leaves it jammed between, cracks forming in the wall that keeps us apart. It hurts. Oh, it hurts.

Don't fight it. You didn't need them when you were with Jake.

Because I had you. 

No. Not most of the time, Bridge. You didn't. You had him. 

It was fleeting. You act like it was so long-

I watched you fall in love with him right under my nose. And there was nothing I could do. That changed me. Watching you slip away changed who I am. And I've been trying to get back to who I was before that but I'm just not having any luck.

The tip of the knife now sticks out my back and is catching on everything. I thought pain was a feeling. Now I know it's an object one has to get around. Or through. But not over. Never over.

So what can I do? Here it is. The part where my trust strips back and shows the raw pain on the inside, the part where he said goodbye because he couldn't manage his own feelings. He never could. I thought I do better but the fourteen-year-old he kissed goodbye all those years ago still regards him with suspicion while she waits for the other shoe to drop. And that's why she goes to them. And keeps him at arms length even as she swears she won't.

Trust me. 

Oh, that's a big one, Lochlan. 

You trust your demons. You trust your nightmares, Bridge. 

They've never left. 

I won't either. 

Those are just words, Loch. You're so good with them. 

Not compared to you. Your words have torn me apart and rebuilt me. I'm asking you to stop. To trust me. I'm not playing musical beds for the rest of our lives. I'm not. Something has to change. I've tried everything. We need to try this. 

We did it before-

That was then. This is now. 

Why is now different?

Because we deserve this. She. She deserves this. 

But he doesn't mean Ruth. He means the fourteen-year-old he left standing beside the fair gates.

How do I just forget that and go forward? 

Believe in magic. 

It's a risk. 

So is everything else you've ever done but the Bridget I raised would jump with a laugh and not hesitate. 

The Bridget you raised has been through too much to be that girl anymore. 

See, that's where I think you're wrong. He pulls the knife out and I bleed all over the floor in my own death before being resurrected in his flames once again. Let's have the greatest love story ever told. Like we always planned.

White spots, short wings, mate for life.

The clouds and the thunder roll back in over the point and the fairy tale ends, real life picking up and running with the narrative for the new week. A busy week. A trying week, and it's only Monday. God help us.

The rain is coming back and it makes me happy. My garden loves it. The cauliflower are the size of volleyballs. The lavender is strong and beautiful. The grapes are coming in so fast we can't keep up and the peas and beans are flowering like mad, as are the tomatoes. I have a huge rosemary plant, and an equally impressive oregano one, and I feel accomplished when I look at the gardens. Like I can at least do one thing right. I inherited my grandmother's green thumb and I'll never waste it, that's for sure. The only difference is this year we're doing two cucumber plants instead of seven, because last year things got a little out of hand.

Plus it's therapeutic.

Who's going to knock that?

Lochlan finds me out on the bluff where the strawberry patch is, wind in my freshly shorn hair, skirt billowing around my ankles as I water them diligently. Rain or not, some plants need a ton of water. I'm making sure they get it.

He came and went the past few nights. Leaving just as things were getting good only to reappear when things were on the downswing. He's subtle like that, generous like that, and now he's here to make sure Caleb's most recent gift isn't going to put him on the outside for yet another night.

Peanut. What's this? 

Yellow beans. 

Ah. Everything's growing amazingly. 

I nod.

Bridgie, I know you're mad at me.

I'm not 'mad' per se-

Ruffled. 

That's a good way to describe it. Like a bird. I'm a bird.

You are like a bird. Like a magpie. Finding pretty things and flying away. 

I say nothing. Here we go with the stay-puts and the stick-beside-mes as if he can undo history and fix all of this shit in one go.

I just wanted to know if you feel better. If it works. If this is what you want. What you need. I don't know. I just want to know that it's worth the sacrifice. If it isn't then we should change it. 

I shrug. I don't have the answers I think he wants.

Do you feel better though?

Let me put it this way. I felt like I've felt all along but then just now you got here and now I feel better. Relieved. Safe. 

Oh, that's the best answer I could have hoped for. He's got tears in his eyes and I feel so small suddenly.

Loch-

Don't say it. Leave it at that. That was all I needed to hear.

This time I'm actually going but I promise I won't talk about it at all.

The rain stopped but the fun didn't and the love is real. I got breakfast in bed. And pinot gris too. I got a text from Sam reminding me that church was at 745 if I needed a lift. I did not reply and I didn't hear his car leave but I wouldn't anyway, on average.

I got drunk..ish on a Sunday morning and I have no regrets. I don't spoil myself much, actually unless it's with men. My swims are regimented for time, I cook at home for an army of twenty on a nightly basis because eating out is stupidly expensive. I don't drink unless someone offers and I don't go for massages, manicures, haircuts by real hair stylists or anything. I don't shop for clothes. I don't shop except groceries. I don't have a housecleaner. I don't have an assistant. I have a lot of help, mind you but at the end of the day, I run everything, I schedule everything and I run myself into the ground.

So fuck it. Not today. I'm on the verge of tears perpetually. I'm so tired. I'm so not up for life today so today I'm calling in sick. 

I got a Daniel and Schuyler sandwich, and I'm not ashamed of that. They bring the affection ten-fold. Daniel is stronger in the dark then in life. He runs on love, as I do. He's confident and sure here. He's fierce and loyal yet playful and accommodating. He's experimental. He's like his brother. He loves Schuyler with a devotion I admire but he's also loathe to pass up a chance to hold me, or love me.

Schuy rarely participates. He's content to give Daniel whatever Daniel could possibly want but this weekend he didn't hold back and it was new and fun and exciting too. It was rare enough to appreciate but still familiar enough to let go.

It was a catalyst, as this morning Caleb sent me a three word message, because he knew they didn't leave and he knew it's been days and days now. He knew I wouldn't have any regrets or second thoughts and he knows that I need a way out from this life sometimes. I don't get bored, I get restless and there's nothing wrong with that unless you never find a way to make that feeling stop.

Fine. Burning man

YAY!

The fab five.

Heavy rain from late evening until the early hours of this morning and I slept like the dead, wedged in gently between Ben and Lochlan, who also slept soundly, only waking when one of us would shift. I wake up foggy, in a panic, wondering if they're leaving me but they always touch me to reassure me that they're not.

Without words. Who needs these words? We roll on touch around here, you just don't know if it will be a punch or a hug half the time and though everyone will insist that boys will be boys I'm now insisting on respect. Some of them have zero self-control and though it may have looked cool and tough to go around with a black eye or a good cheek bruise in your early twenties, in your early fifties you just look like a fucking degenerate.

Look it up, Peanut. Maybe that's what we are. 

I don't know how Lochlan's ever become such an accurate walking dictionary over the years, I've never seen him with one but here we are.

Daniel cut my hair for me yesterday, back from a lazy almost-bob into a pixie again. He proclaimed it adorable, got confirmation from Duncan and PJ and then invited me to come watch Queer Eye all weekend with them, eat Polynesian takeaway in bed and drink pinot gris.

(Note for the always vigilant: Schuyler won't be drinking the wine. He will have juice or sparkling water. Yes, he's in recovery. No, he hasn't fallen. Not sure why I have to spell it out every post. Trust me. If someone in recovery falls off the wagon, pretty sure I'll write about it post haste.)

I said I'd be delighted, wondered what I should wear and then Lochlan mowed him over like a freight train.

One thing you don't do in this house, or in any house for that matter is attack Daniel.

Ever. 

Daniel was helped up and pointed out to Lochlan that he could have said no, that he doesn't need to resort to violence, and that he's living a civilized life now where brute force isn't necessary to make one's point.

Like a Queer Eye episode for the emotional, reactionary guy. For the jealous guy. For the guy who's just trying to hold on to what he's got.

And to his credit, Lochlan threw himself on Daniel and we all shouted but it wasn't a second attack, it was a hug. A big mushy hug and they talked in each other's faces about love and Lochlan apologized and thanked Daniel for his patience (Danny's delicate, for sure, but still bigger) and boy did Loch feel awful for a long time after that.

But while I still did not get to go to what sounded like a fun way to spend a rainy weekend,  Lochlan did proclaim my haircut to be awfully cute and he promised me we would have an equally fun rainy weekend in bed with Ben and with whatever else my heart desires.

So I brought Daniel and Schuyler with us.