(Sometimes what you need is what you fight.)

My heartbeat, my oxygen
My banner, my home
My future, my song

He lay there in near-dark, tucking my hair behind my ear, his face just inches away in the tiny bed in the camper.

Why is it still so hard, Peanut? You're perpetually in shock and the rest of the time you'll give your heart in exchange to whoever gives you the time of day. I want it all back. How do we get it back? We are whispering. His eyes fill up and spill over into mine.

We've burned all our promise tickets and are back to square one. We've used up all our good fortunes, bought for a big tip and a promise not to call the cops about the still out behind the fortune teller's trailer. We've come to our year of reckoning and it isn't going our way. So we'll have to use this new map and figure out how to go in a completely different direction. We'll reinvent ourselves again. Not freaks but adventurers. Not children but adults. Not done yet but working on making sure it all turns out okay.

I don't know what he did. I don't know why it still hurts like this. If I did I would stop it. I don't want to feel like this. I want to love you and love Ben and live in the Collective and just be happy but I can't and nothing works.

(The closest we've ever had to normal was that little kitchenette room in Atlantic City. He lost his mind there and I hated it. I hated everything about it. That wasn't living. It was waiting to die.

What if we tried harder?

I feel like I haven't tried at all since our honeymoon. I'm sorry.

Don't be, peanut. You're doing so good.

Doesn't feel like it or I wouldn't make my husband cry almost as much as I do.

He pulls my hands up between us, kissing my knuckles. I hurt for you, bridge. If I could take this pain from you I would. Just tell me what to do.

Take the deal. Take the money. Pit them all against each other if you have to but don't waste an opportunity that's only going to come around once.

What if you-

I'm not leaving you.

We are nose to nose now, eyes wide. I can feel him shaking. I don't know if its fear or the chill in the camper since the heater isn't hooked up and I'm not much enough to keep a whole man warm.

He closes his eyes and lets out a long breath. Sleep, peanut.

I nod and my eyes close too, against my wishes to continue to study his face.

I love you, Bridget.

Operation Make Bridget Happy seems well underway.

Dalton didn't even pretend he wasn't put up to it. He just dove right in. Not even a Good Morning to be had first. 

If you could watch any movie today, which movie would it be? 

Practical Magic. 

But Samhain is over. 

That's fine. I watch it whenever, it's not a holiday movie but more of a lifestyle choice. 

He nods. He's making notes. If you could eat anything what would it be?

Vietnamese food. Fried noodles and stuff. Or Thai. Chinese. Anything that comes with chopsticks. 

If you could have one question answered what would it be? 

Can we use Mystical Fire in the gas fireplaces too? 

That isn't the question I thought you'd ask. 

Ah. You thought I was going to ask if we could put up the Christmas trees now, right?

Is that a thing? 

Yes, and I am always told to wait one more month. It's a long wait, you know. 

Sweet little minutes.

His knees, elbows and the top of his head were black with mud. My entire back from my hair down to my boots matched. It was so obvious when we came back inside from cutting back the grapevines and stripping bark that Dalton asked if we had 'fun'.

Ben smiled a very big smile and said Well, duh.

We called for a clear path, which means everyone has to leave the kitchen/great room and back hallway in order for us to strip outside on the patio and then make our way upstairs to fetch warm, dry clothes.

Except that mud was everywhere so Ben started a hot shower and pulled me in in through the doors with him under the spray, holding the back of my head, mud streaked all over our faces, dirt grinding into my skin as he kissed me. I would have felt my knees go out except that he was holding me up.

Cue round two because he is as beautiful as he is insatiable.

He gave a final kiss to the top of my head as he dried my hair and then when I put on clean pajamas he said we need to head back out and do the leaf-raking maybe this weekend, and we can bring Lochlan. He didn't mention Caleb or anything else. He focused on the moment, which helped me do the same. Once he had a clean t-shirt and his own pajama pants on I threw myself into his arms and asked if I could just stay right here forever.

Naw, Bee. You get so restless. If I said yes, you'd think it was a trap.  You're a funny girl like that. A homebody with a constant case of cabin fever.  Let's go make some soup and then soon Lochlan will be home and we can show him how much work we put in. Maybe we'll get out of dinner duty.

And always, always with that rueful smile.

What do you mean? 

I mean what I said. I'm not going to do...anything, Bridge. I'm not going to acknowledge or further entertain these ridiculous stunts by the Devil to get to me and to you. I didn't hear it. I'm not accepting it. I'm just going to keep going forward. 

What if he gives you a time limit?

A what? A limit? I'll feign ignorance and ask him what he means. Or are you being ironic and playing dumb now? I can play dumb too, Peanut. 

What if-

What if WHAT? 

What if...I go to him anyway? Then you don't get your due. It's all for nothing. 

Well then I guess the only way to prevent that is to not go to him. Then we're square. Right? 

I nod. He's always been smarter than the rest. Not by choice or by design but purely out of necessity.

Caleb is going to come looking for you.

Let him come. I'm ready for anything. You forget I have the upper hand here. 

He says that and I take it all back. It's naive and pie in the sky and exactly like Loch. A walking contradiction. All logic one minute, all magic and foolishness the next. Right from wrong depends on the day. God help you if you get the days mixed up.

STUPIDLY CONFLICTED. But at least not conflictingly stupid. We've got that much going for us, as ever.

If I don't take it will you leave?

No. 

If I take it will I lose you? 

No. 

I don't trust anything right now, Bridge. 

Then don't take it. Life continues as it did before. 

But you go to him anyway. 

If I do anyway, you may as well have the money. Take it.

But you'll leave.

Then don't take the money. 

I never wanted to sell you out. I never had any long con. I just wanted him to leave us alone. 

I'll con him all I want. If he's giving it away I'll be first in line. He owes me everything. I don't consider it selling out, it's more like further restitution. He looked after me, and now he needs to look after you.

Restitution. That's a technical way of putting this. 

It's payback, Locket. He went and made his existence and he's offering it to us. We've come full circle. Take it and enjoy it. You've suffered enough. 

But you might decide he's what you want. 

He'll never be what I want. I want you. And Ben. And...sometimes August. 

Bridget, he's been chipping away at you for years. What if this changes everything? What if it's a test of my loyalty? What if it's a test of yours? 

Then don't take it! Christ! Make up your mind. 

Not the Halloween party post you were looking for.

(Words, weapons, wrath. Wounds. Wary. WHAT the fuck.)

I made her wealthy. I can do the same for you and then you wouldn't have to leave her during the day, wouldn't have to worry anymore. You could buy a new RV. You could do whatever you please instead of shilling for dimes, Dóiteáin, working for the man. Worried you'll get fucked over before payday, worried something will happen when you're not around. Life changes when you have money. Ask Bridget what it's like now that she doesn't have to save up to buy shoes for Henry, or budget when she goes grocery shopping. Ask her what little I asked of her in exchange for everything I gave away.

But Lochlan isn't going to respond. Not like this. He's looking at the floor instead of at the gun. It was the only way Caleb could get him to stand still for a moment and just listen.

Diabhal-

Please, Neamhchiontach. Be quiet right now, Baby, please. His voice wavers but his hand is steady as he addresses Loch. I'm asking for time, and I'm going to pay for it. You're out nothing. She comes to me willingly and then at the end of the day she goes home. She remains yours. I get what I need. You're set for the rest of your miserable grifter life and no one gets hurt. I'm not going to bite her or tear her down. I just want to help her with Cole and I need to help myself. This will be nothing to you. Nothing she hasn't already done, nothing you aren't used to. I'll keep her safe, I promise you that but I don't want to spend the rest of my life pretending this isn't how life was meant to be. The three of us are here together for a reason. She isn't going to get better without me, let me fix this. Let me set things right-

I'm not selling out to you with her-

You wouldn't be selling out to anyone. I always thought we would go into business together, make our fortunes together. We can do that now. You become my partner. We can fix this. We did it, let's make it right. Before it's too late. Enough has gone wrong, Lochlan. There's been enough madness here. Let's fix this while there's still time. You've got her back finally, now is the time to make this the best life we can. I'm asking you for an arrangement that would put an end to this war. No more games. Just peace of mind. Accountability for your part in this. And Bridget gets better. Don't deny her this chance to be happy. Don't take away the last shot at fixing this because of your ridiculous pride. 

He waves us out. Think about this. We'll talk tomorrow. Or the next day. We can have the papers drawn up this week. You will both be fully protected in this arrangement. Whether it's a long con by you or not, I don't even care anymore. I just want this to stop. This fighting. This misery. 

Lochlan nods and then walks out, leaving me there. I follow him. he turns back on me halfway across the driveway in the dark.

Maybe it's a long con by you and Caleb. If I don't accept this, what happens to us? What do you want me to do here, Bridge? Which way are you hoping this goes?

I'd take it down but I can't bear to.

He came back into the kitchen, wrapping his fingers around my upper arms, pressing his forehead against mine, walking backwards until we were up against the wall. He smiled at me, painfully almost.

Don't write about it, Bridgie. Don't write about it when I touch you. Don't write about us making love. Don't put it there so he can see it. It's not for him. It's for us.

Weird. I thought Lochlan would be boastful, thrilled to have it right out there for everyone (the Devil) to read. But he isn't.

Would have stayed in bed all day.

You're the love that I hate
You're the drug that I take
Will you cage me?
Will you cage me?
You're the pulse in my veins
You're the war that I wage
Can you change me?
Can you change me?
From the monster you made me?
The monster you made me?

Starset fans, it's your day.

New music is the best music. Monster is a little bit catchy, a little bit poignant and a surprisingly whole lotta dancey. Which isn't something I'd equate with cinematic space rock but it works. And I love it.

Album soon.

***

When I went upstairs last night Lochlan was lying on the bed reading, his giant iPad braced against his knees, pencil in hand. Jeans unbuckled, shirt unbuttoned all the way to the bottom. Glasses on. Hair wild. Drink on the bedside table. Lamps on low, fire in the fireplace.

It's almost as if you were waiting for me. 

I was. 

I smile. Moments of complete peace are so rare. He sits up, picking up the glass. We can share, he says.

I walk to the edge of the bed and stand between his knees as he feeds me a sip and then undoes the buttons on my clothes. Slowly. He's watching me, noting as my mouth opens slightly as his warm hands reach skin.

Bridget, I just want what's best for you. 

Almost kills the mood right there. What is that?

Happiness. I'm trying to follow in everyone's footsteps when I should have been leading the way. I'm playing catch up here when I don't even know how I fell behind. It won't happen again. 

I know. He puts his arms around me, pulling me in close against him. I lean in hard and he lies back, feet still on the floor. He rolls over and pulls me up underneath him, pulling my legs up around him, pushing me down, letting me fight just a little while he smiles through his whiskey and then we're on muscle memory, letting history show us how to touch each other.

He pulled me up hard over him at one point and left me there in Lochlan Magic Outer Space and wouldn't let me down until I shivered and shuddered from his touch. Then he started all over again. It wasn't until hours later that he finally allowed himself to let go, tremors wracking him. He let out a soft groan against my ear and then I was asleep within seconds, held tight against him, his breathing slowing now and even against my forehead.

Perfect.

This morning I couldn't lift my arms, had no sugar left in my blood and zero energy left with which to stand up, let alone be as productive as I usually am first thing.

So stay here, he smiles at me, pulling me in closer still until we are pressed together under a mountain of quilts and hours spent just like this but for the sake of being warm. I am trapped. Ben has one hand wrapped around my leg. I don't even know when he got here, I just know that I want to stay here for as long as I can.

Back to sleep, Peanut, Lochlan whispers into the top of my head as I close my eyes again. Just for a little while.

Pumpkin stars.

This morning there were leaves floating in the surf, trying for purchase on the sand before being sucked back into the next wave. Fall at the seashore isn't a thing. The sea remains dark teal and grey. There is no change. It won't even grow cold yet, not for months to come after warming all summer in the sun. The leaves felt sorry for it and tried to colour it. Tried to cheer it up. Tried to help it blend in. Tried to make it seem like it belonged but it doesn't. It stands alone. A force we can reckon with all we want but we don't get anywhere.

It just keeps going, doing what it does. Day in, day out. Tide advances, tide recedes. Colors change with the clouds above. It has two uniforms, light and dark, two depths, shallow and deep and two temperatures, warm and cold.

Like me.

Autodidact.

(This day is brought to you by Between the Buried And Me's cover of Blind Melon's Change.)

Two people aren't happy about my penchant for waking up in strange places, like I did yesterday, though a suspended king-sized bed in the middle of a bright airy room isn't as strange as it is exhilarating, and they're not the people you'd expect.

The first is the Devil, who thinks he should carry carte blanche on any nocturnal attempts at comfort that I wish for, and the second is August, who continually kicks himself for allowing me past his head into his heart. Into his hands. He thinks he should hold himself at arm's length and be objective, productive and effective.

Naw, I tell him. You're effective alright, just not in the way you think.

And the part of me that needs the ghost that is Jake quiets just a little, probably taking a breather before spooling up hard in time for the week after next.

Because it's anniversary week and birthday week (9. 46.), a time when I am reminded that I'm not as wonderful as I think I am, or anyone thinks I am, but I was just enough to send him on a one-way trip to anywhere I wasn't. That I am too much and not enough and as impossible as Lochlan always says I am. That I was too dark for Jacob and not enough of anything else to be worthwhile.

It's not you, it's me, Jacob always tells me through a fine filter of swirling, settling dust motes in the light through the garage doors. But we sure make beautiful children. That's a gift.

I nod and leave him there. Too bad it wasn't enough of a gift to keep your feet on the ground.