High Shrovetide.

I swear I just made seven hundred and twelve pancakes and five pans of sausages so we could see Shrove Tuesday out in style. Done. Then Ben ate half a loaf of banana bread because he was still hungry. I've decided for lent this year I'm giving up accepting lies as the truth. Let's see how far this gets me.

In the meantime, did you know that in 2012 High Holy Days put out an album under an independent label?? I didn't but I found five of the songs from it tonight and SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

And yes, Lochlan knows whatever Caleb isn't telling me. Oh, he hasn't admitted it yet but he knows.

Drunk for thirty two years.

Come on, Lochlan! I pulled on his arm but he shook his head and laughed.

I can't feel my arms, Sweetheart. He told me. He can't focus either. Too much beer. I wish he'd drink pop like me but only the clear pop because then nobody burps too much or feels too full.

Come! On! I pull both arms and lose my footing but still he doesn't move. We're going to miss the fireworks! 

We'll catch them next year. I'm just happy this run is over. It's time to hit the road. 

What will punching the road do? Don't we have to drive on it? On the bus?

Yeah. We do. Hey, where are you going?

I'll watch the fireworks by myself. 

Come back here, bridgie. 

Can't make me.

I'm in charge. You have to listen to me. Those are the rules.

Can't be in charge when you're...you're beered up. 

I think the word you're looking for is drunk.

Drunk is the postscript of drank. I drank. He drunk. You drink.

Yes, I did and I'm sorry. Your English is fucked. 

Too many new forwords.

That's foreign words. 

I made a port hawkesbury! I put the two words together and-

It's called a portmanteau.

Oh. I get it. 

You should have a beer. It would make you sleep like a baby.

I'm not a baby!

Yes, you are. 

I give up and slide down the edge of the bed to sit on the floor. Loch was drunk that night and I never got my fireworks and he's drunk tonight and I won't get my answers.

Come on. I shake him. Help me out here. 

It serves no purpose other than to wreck things just a little more, Peanut. Things are good. You have what you need. Don't go looking for trouble. It will find you soon enough anyhow.

Functional little maniac.

I powered through and finished the taxes today and then loaded everything up and triumphantly hit file and what do you know? Netfiling is only available beginning February 15.

Huh.

I had a whole extra week to finish but look at me, I'm done. Everyone is done. Even Duncan's taxes got did because he is a procrastinator and a denier and never seemed to get anything done on time.

But yet here we are. Twenty returns, including Ruth for the first time this year and I'm finished and now I get to go out for dinner instead of cooking because I'm wound up like a top. Caleb's taxes are so complicated. Mine are so simple. Everyone in between is marginally tough but doable. My rules are simple. No receipt? No deduction. No funny business, payment expected within 10 business days of filing. Ha.

So happy that's over. Did I mention I HATE taxes?

So tonight it was an early dinner out with everyone. Short notice. Twenty minutes for a reservation for some fourteen people and maybe a few stragglers, we shall see. Got jumbled up in the planning on the way home and I ended up riding with Caleb in the R8 while Lochlan who drank more than anticipated was the charge of Christian, who didn't drink at all. We met up in the driveway and as I said goodnight, Caleb pressed a heart-shaped post-it note into my hand and a dry kiss on my forehead. Sleep well, Neamhchiontach. A twirl on his hand and I was off to dance my way to dreamland.

When I came up to change a dress for pajamas I finally looked at the note.

Roses are red
My eyes are blue
Why not ask Loch
What I'm hiding from you? 

Pretty sure I'm the only one who doesn't know, or maybe that's doesn't want to know what Caleb has up his sleeve now but I'm happy to stay in the dark, thanks so maybe everyone can just keep it to themselves. I'm trying not to kill myself with curiosity here. One slip and I might not have much choice.

Sundays are for early church ('scuse me while I sleep through it with my eyes open).

When I was eight I started down the road of my worst habit that persists to this day. Holding hands. It left off when I was old enough to walk without supervision from my parents and then it returned when I moved to that small town and starting hanging out with Lochlan, Caleb, Cole, Christian and the rest and I couldn't keep up with them. Someone would always take my hand to help me along over roots, rocks and slippery snow. If my feet tangled I would be lifted right off the ground and re-centered. If my mind wandered, that hand would ground me. I still do it, almost unconsciously (both trip on things and hold their hands) and it still causes a watershed of confusion and assumption. Some things don't change, the more they stay the same.

This morning in church was no exception. Lochlan had to work. He doesn't mind if it's a choice between being paid and being flayed, as he says and so I sat between John and Caleb. John is the habitual safekeeper and so I had his hand in a deathgrip, mostly because my mind was wandering so far I lost sight of it no less than three times and I didn't want Sam to notice and single me out. So with John's hand held tightly in mine I bowed my head and closed my eyes and off I went while Sam spoke of what it means to belong, and how we search for our tribes and then we search beyond them through our faith.

In my daydream I ran to catch up and went flying to the ground when I missed the root that loops up over the path. My hands both went out and then I caught myself, slightly startled, but not noticeable enough for anyone to react. I recentered myself and went right back in, preferring stories of the past over Sam's admonishment. Sam and Lochlan do a daily war in my head. Sam to keep my faith and Lochlan to question it. Because when has it ever helped us? Naw. We help each other, Peanut. Lochlan has little use for God and I sometimes believe in Lochlan instead of God completely. At least I can hold Lochlan's hand.

When the sermon was finished and John pulled my hand slightly to stand for the hymn I realized when I imagine-fell that I had grabbed Caleb's hand too. He had the hymnbook in his left hand and he looked so pleased as he squeezed my fingers gently in his own. John leaned way over and shot him a look that would have flattened anyone else and Caleb merely winked in return as I tried to lean back to see their exchanges a little better. Finally John said hold this and thrust the book into my arms so I let go of both of them and took the worn hymnal and Caleb rolled his eyes but never broke his concentration, singing the words to Welcome Table along with all the rest.

Hallelujah.

Shhh.

Are you...negotiating..with me? 

Yes. 

I have no problem with it, so long as you hold up your end of the bargain. 

I hold the floor in my gaze but it squirms and twists and I'm forced to look him in the eye. He looks positively gleeful. Fine. 

How do you think August will feel when he finds out you got him a raise using your tried and true collateral? How do you think they all feel when you hand them the moon on the back of that twelve-year-old girl who screamed and then asked for more? 

August needs a raise if he's going to be taking this on alone. The money you save in not having to pay Joel anymore will more than compensate for it. That has nothing to do with anything else. 

What about Sam?

Sam isn't on your payroll. 

What would you do to get him there? Make him available to you around the clock without the church in the way? Just like Jacob, who went on the dole to spend more time with you. He was in my pocket and he hated himself for it. 

He took up teaching, it had nothing to do with you. 

That dreamworld must be incredible, Bridget. You never seem to want to leave it. 

Jacob didn't take anything from you except for me. 

Think again, Princess. 

Look you can fuck with my head all you want. I'll email you my requests from now on. 

Look, I hate to bring it up but this game doesn't just involve me. And if you think your precious boys don't come to me when you're not looking seeking favors of their own then you are still stuck in your cotton candy freakshow universe. 

Give me names or never see me again. 

Your threats don't work with me, remember? I'm the Devil. I'm here whether you want me to be or not. We're linked forever, and don't think you can change that, even as you deny me when I know damn well how badly you want this. You want things to stay happy? Want to keep your Sugar Daddy right where you need him then stop dancing around this and get on with it, Bridget. Hell, I'll give everyone a raise. But you've got to hold up your end and stop with the vague threats and plans to put it all out there. It's getting tired. I'm older now. I've left my mark on the world already so my reputation is not at stake like it once was and I have all the time in the world to play games with you now if that's what you want to continue to do.

What time do you want me here?

That's my good girl. But not tonight. I would like to make some plans for early next month, however. I have a birthday coming up and I'd like to celebrate it in style. Maybe elsewhere. 

My helpless look must have hit a nerve. I haven't decided, so don't panic just yet. Why don't you run along home now and inform August of his promotion and maybe later we'll begin planning something unforgettable. Something fun. Something with cake involved. Okay? He tucks his hand under my chin and lifts my face up to meet his eyes. Medium blue washes over me and I forget we are at war.

Okay.

Not for you.

Revelation 1:19 Write down what you have seen--both the things that are now happening and the things that will happen.

Jake said that once, asking what kind of writer I was. Then he quoted that bible verse but I didn't understand. I write fiction, I told him.

Maybe someday you'll write the truth. He smiled, convinced.

Control is back. No plates thrown in twenty-four hours. Got my medal from Ben, who told me to stay close. Sitting in the basement behind two locked doors with laptop and headphones doing nothing at all except remaining calm. Listening to outlaw music. Every now and again Ben comes over, gives the chair a gentle twist before walking away again. The chair slowly spins itself out and then spins back in before slowing to a gentle rock.

It's glorious.

I have a cold cup of coffee that PJ made for me tucked between my ankles. Lotus position.

Somehow a song by Shooter Jennings became my favorite after an episode of Sons of Anarchy left me scrambling for my phone to press the big orange Soundhound button to find who in the hell was singing over the action.

So glorious.

Keith brought home a bike and a girl last night. The bike stayed but the girl left because she doesn't live here, and neither does he.  I like the bike. I gave it a nice place in the garage where Jake can look after it.

Jake isn't there, beautiful. August says it so slowly with his Newfie accent garbling up the consonants, grinding them smooth and I smile bitterly. My smiles grows wider until I look fully crazy. May as well call this ace a spade.

Black remains the color of choice. Corset under one hundred tiny buttons today. Full metal jacket. Squeeze my heart until it bleeds and then mop up that blood with your concern and wring it out with every ounce of your pity. I'll be just fine, just give me a minute to listen to this song one more time before they figure it out that I'm drowning in it and take it away.

But really this isn't so bad. I've learned that home is where the boys are. That's my revelation, thinking back to dancing on a hot summer night while they quietly competed with each other to see who would join me. So bring on the end of the world, I think I'm ready.

Complex carbon beings (you were so beautiful).

All that you love, will be carried away
oh all that you love, will be carried away

All of my pain, that you put on my name
all of my doubt, and all of my shame

All of my guilt, my denial and fear
all of my hatred and all of my tears

All of the time that I couldn't go home
all of the times that I froze all alone

All of the sadness all of the lies
all of the shadows that blackened my eyes

All of the servants, who cheated, who stole
all of the colors from the depths of my soul

All of the wounded, that you left for dead
now creep in the corner, they're all in my head

All of the dreams that you made nightmares
all of the silence, deafening stares

All of the ships who can't carry loads
you wrecked in anger, along distant shores

All of this would have been
All of this could have been yours

All of this should have been
All of this could have been yours

Throwing plates at Joel today. Be right back.

***

I was flat on my back in the summer bedroom, holding on for dear life, arms and legs clasped around Jacob's back as he drove against me slowly, languidly. It was so warm out. We were slippery and flush. A rare night breeze would gift us every few minutes, making the curtains fill and bow in the silence of the dark. He put his hand up to touch my face, wrapping his thumb underneath my chin, his fingers in my ear. Pulling my gaze up into his soul so I could see it. So I could feel it in the darkness. So I would know.

I love you, Pig-a-let.

But then my phone rang and instead of answering him, I told him I had to take the call.

He got up, put on his boxers and went down the hall to the bathroom to take a shower.

I pick up the phone.

Neamhchiontach. What took you so long to answer? 

It's four in the morning. What do you want?

You. 

Sorry, I'm not available. 

You will be. Give it time. 

***

He shot me up in the leg, behind my knee and I came instantly. Face down in the crisp white duvet under a skyscraper sky full of stars made up of office windows. My reflection staring disappointingly back at me until I closed my eyes and she was gone.

Just like Jake.

He wasn't real anyway, the voice says it thickly into my ear. I shove him away, pushing my head against his but he doesn't notice. It's so warm. He lifts my hips up with one hand and slams himself deep but I don't cry out like I usually do because his other hand is over my mouth.

I need to know in advance how long you'll be here, so that I can send you out intact. 

I shake my head. I don't know what time it is. I don't know what time is, right now. I just know the whooshing black waves of euphoria aren't real and I can't keep them.

We can go for days, Bridget. He turns me over, resuming his cadence against me. I can't feel my arms or legs. Everything is too heavy. My eyelids close and he scoops a hand under the back of my head to lift me up.

Door. 

No. Right here is fine. I don't want to be held up against the door. I just want to be in this tiny little space where things don't actually hurt.

You do what I tell you. But when I go to stand up I can't and so I try to crawl but I only get a couple of feet before he yanks me back hard onto the bed and slaps my face gently to make me focus. It's a little hard to breathe, to focus.

Goddamn it, Bridget. I think you've had too much. 

Then just a little more please. 

I'm going to call Ben to come get you. He pulls the sheet up over me and I close my eyes. When I wake up next I'm tied up and he's gone.

Ben? I think. Why would he call Ben?

***

Joel wants all of it. Everything I've never said out of fear or a misguided loyalty. He's angry that I wasn't as upfront with Claus or anyone else. Angry that I still didn't put it all out there even though I put out enough to keep them busy for the rest of my life and theirs. Incensed that I'm not trying and yet I insist that I want to help them help me.

A little lying, thieving hypocrite, he names me as I turn my back on him, still looking over my shoulder at him suspiciously, holding all of their hearts in my arms.

Name-calling is incredibly unprofessional, I point out as I drop his heart on purpose and kick it through the door into the hall. I make no move to go and get it. He watches me and then stares at his heart and goes to pick it up. The minute he goes through the door I close it behind him, twisting the lock so he can never ever ever come back again.

Crushing it.

Today is Write-off Wednesday. Which means it's like a Monday but instead it fell on a Wednesday which are historically known for being great days backsliding into the tail end of the week, marking the middle, making everyone groove to their own routines, only somewhere along the way we messed up and today is Monday and I'm sorry because as usual, it's probably all my fault.

For starters, they did finally go ahead and cancel the Black Sabbath show tonight. I was so excited even though it's not Ozzy but Ian Gillan who sings my favorite song by them that I'll never hear live (Keep It Warm) and because our last tour stop was cut short by illness. At least they didn't try to power through it but I was looking forward to us dressing up in our finest and living loud. Those of you who would have been lucky enough to meet my entire famjam in public all at once today will have to wait for another day. Hold your tickets. They will reschedule. Hopefully before one of them dies.

Hi, I'm morbid. What's your name?

But it's okay. Because I have a fucking headache anyway. Which means the latest round of experimental guinea-pig pills probably aren't going to work any better than the last ones. To add insult to injury my period started and so I'm dragging my black cloud around low over my head today. God, it's so heavy as I pull it from room to room, comically stretching my arms behind my back to drag it with me, bleeding to death along the way. Jesus Christ, run for cover. You've been warned.

Batman continues to try and discredit Caleb out of the blue and I'm attempting to live in a civilized fashion between both of them. It could be worse. A few years ago they both opted to draw their weapons in a glass tower with me standing in the middle and amazingly they didn't kill me or each other. So if the backbiting and underhanded sabotage work any better for them I would be surprised.

New Jake is not fresh meat for the record either. Fuck off. He was a moment and the moment is gone. If I really wanted to fuck up my life I'd hit closer to home. Like a tornado. A sex tornado. Aw fuck, can we just move on?

Caleb called me a good girl last night for shutting Batman down. I love nothing more than to win his approval. Hate myself for it but if I admit it that is half the battle, says Claus. The other half is me fighting without armor, clearly, because that's what I tend to do.

Fully at least ten years old today.

I can feel your breath
I can feel my death
I want to know you
I want to see
I want to say hello

Batman has no patience this morning, cutting me off and asking me to put Caleb on the phone. Caleb bites his lip and nods at the phone as if Batman can see his acquiescence and hangs up, telling me Go.

Just like that I am squishing across the lawn from Daniel's to Batman's (because we smartly put in a paverstone path at least that far, to next door), passing New Jake on the way in who stands up from where he was leaning over his bike, tinkering. He smiles and my heart thuds but just once in return and I shake my head and rush into the house. Never keep a man with money waiting, I hear the advice echo through my child-sized brain from way back when I was just starting out learning how to read people to get the very best of them, or rather their most valuable part. Their wallets.

I leave my rainboots at the door and stalk-slide through the main level looking for the man of the hour. I'm peeking into the study when he comes up behind me, asking me what I'm doing. I lose my footing and almost splay on the floor like a deer learning to walk for the first time.

I need some runners for the floors?

Probably. I look down and he's wearing shoes. You ever kick those off when you're home relaxing?

If I were relaxing I would. He smiles though. He's a tough nut to crack most of the time.

What can I do you for?

You sound like a truck-stop waitress.

That's 'server'. This is the twenty-aughts.

It's what I can do for you.

Listening.

I have his number, Bridget. 

And? 

It's bad. 

Then leave him be. 

But you don't underst-

I'm not going through this again with you. Please don't touch him. 

You have to hear me out. 

I'm going now. You could have called me. 

I wanted to give you a chance to flirt with your latest victim. 

Nice. You bring me over just to twist my pins? Have a great day. Seriously. 

Bridget, stop! 

What? 

Don't move. 

WHAT IS IT? (I'm thinking spiderweb? Or maybe a storm of locusts.)

Nothing, I just want you to stop and pay attention for a minute. You don't and you miss valuable information because you let your heart override your brain. 

It's the way people are supposed to work, you idiots! 

He collapses laughing into a chair. At least I can count on you to always say what you're thinking. God, you're such a breath of fresh air. You excuse everyone. You give out too many chances. You leave yourself wide open to heartache and disappointment. 

Exactly. That's what I'm meant for. 

Even if it kills you in the process? 

Naw. Haven't you realized it yet? It doesn't kill me. It makes me stronger. 

So now what? 

I was being facetious. I'm not any stronger. I wish for that but it doesn't happen. 

That's why I want to talk to you about Cale-

STOP IT! I told you to leave him alone and I mean it! 

I squish back across the lawn. No one follows, of course. He doesn't chase anyone and New Jake is no longer outside when I leave. I told Batman not to pursue this but he just keeps going. I'm starting to understand what they mean when they tell me I don't listen either.

Who's practical? I'm not practical.

Mondays always seem to begin with three loads of laundry,  a flat tire and an empty larder. A smile over the fact that every single episode of Sons of Anarchy now begins with a discussion on whether or not Tara looks good or bad and why and some Evanescence on the stereo, played at full volume at the Boathouse until Caleb gave up trying to talk over the music or turn it down and sat silently at his desk, tie already loosened, pen in hand but not writing, not reading, not doing anything.

Probably plotting something evil but I think I've gotten a leg up on him at last with this 'game', and no, that's not a literal leg up. That was last year.

How long do I have to stay?

Is everything ready?

Of course. 

I don't know what I'd do without you. 

Well, instead of sitting there you should be off trying to figure that out. Next year I'm passing the reins over to a new driver. I don't even like doing taxes. 

It's most amusing to watch you rant and rave about the calculations though! Besides, I don't think the boys will trust anyone else. I know I don't. 

So you're all happy to have a college dropout circus freak do your taxes because you don't trust anyone else?

Precisely. 

Wow.

Well, it's not as if you get nothing out of it. 

True. He nods toward my arms. Bracelets up and down. I wanted to dress like the fortune teller when I was young. She had bracelets up and down each arm and now I do too, because these are my payments for doing their returns. I pick a jeweler and off we go. One year I picked Cartier. That was amazing.

This year, probably McQueen. Because skulls. If they still make them. I saw them on Pinterest but I haven't checked at the boutique yet.

Caleb just looked over my shoulder and tells me they have them at Saks in New York, that we can go when I'm finished and pick something out. I sigh inwardly. Oh and also, not to write about him online.

Fine.

Asshole.