The specialist.

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

The New Year exploded dramatically with the pop of a champagne cork and a burst of fireworks lighting up the night sky over the water. We celebrated on the beach in the cold because we're smart like that. Smarter still was slow-dancing with Duncan in the living room and then Ben telling me if I wanted to go further that I could. That he would run any interference that I needed and I nodded that I understood and then I went out to the garage. I wrote about that yesterday.

But you didn't write about when you went back inside. 

Because there's nothing to talk about unless you want a graphic description of my dreams and the drool on my pillow. Trust me, nobody wants that. 

Did you sleep with Duncan, Neamhchiontach? 

No! Jesus Christ. Give me some credit here. I told you, I'm not going to risk or ruin anyone else. 

What about Sam? 

Sam is already ruined, but not by me. He is the architect of his own demise. And what does he have to do with any of this? 

I see things no one thinks I see. 

What if there's nothing to see at all? What if it's just smoke or darkness? 

I see right through that. I'm the Devil, remember? 

***

Lochlan and I are making pancake-faces and talking quietly. No one is up yet but early mornings have always been our favorite time, before the world gets busy, noisy and crowded.

What are your resolutions this year, Peanut?

To listen to more metal, eat less junk and walk more to keep my knees from seizing. To paint more and talk to ghosts less. I look at him quickly, seeking approval but he's closed-cards this morning. And to depend less on you for behavioral cues because you've become everyone's favorite table-flipper (but I don't say that out loud.) What about you?

I'm going to quit drinking and try and not be so hard on you. He reaches over to pull me close but I'm busy-busy flipping pancakes and trying not to let him see my eyes flood over.

It's fine. I'm not easy. 

You're impossible, he says it softly.

If I'm so horribly flawed why are you still here?

Because I love you. You're part of me. 

You love me in spite of the way I am. 

Yes. 

Than stop trying to change it. 

That's the plan, Peanut. I'm just going to give up on our dream of the perfect life, because that's the only way I can do this. 

I throw the spatula down and turn and stare at him. I don't know where this is coming from. I didn't do anything. The pancakes start to singe but we're so used to burning smells we don't react until the fire alarm starts wailing and the room fills with smoke and people. People who are really concerned and want the smoke cleared out before the sprinklers kick in.

OH SHIT.

When the dust settles and we have our breakfast (now with all the windows open freezing us both to bits in penance for such an irresponsible argument, or as Lochlan put it, We know fire! We weren't going to let anything happen to a house full of sleeping people! Jesus Christ! Give us some credit! And Ben looked at him and said No. Then he said we would eat the burned pancakes too.) we resume our quiet fight, slinging words, hitting targets. I finally find the key.

Are you really that angry about Duncan?

What? No! I know damn well you're not going to sleep with him. What I'm worried about is that the Devil will wear you down. That's how they get to you. They control you.

Teach them everything you know, did you?

He looks out the window. Why is everything a fight?

Because you're not my keeper.

I love you!

Everyone does! You're not special.

He gets a bottle and drinks a quarter of it, slams it down and then sits. Defeated. Eyes closed. Body on fire, probably. Finally he speaks. Thought I was.

You are! The most! But I can say things to hurt you right back. Let me just learn from the best here, Lochlan!

He laughs and passes me the bottle. Take some. It cuts the burned taste. 

Thanks. 

We're not so bad. Are we so bad?

We're awful. 

Terrible. 

The worst. 

Can I be honest? 

Why not?

I really thought you were going to go with Duncan. 

And what would you have done?

I would have killed him. And then Ben. And then probably you. 

Wow. Okay, so good choice in staying put. I'll drink to that. But don't be scary, Lochlan. 

Can't help it. It's the only thing that gets your attention. I just want our simpler life back. You and me. When things were boiled down to comfort and adventure and it wasn't this big complicated mess. 

Well, be patient because I think it's coming. Maybe sooner than you expect. 

The Devil is going to break you. 

I'll break him first.

The jealous ghost and the new year.

A little drunk I am, but I'm never nearly drunk enough for this.

Happy New Year, Preacher. 

You should watch how much they give you. Duncan is circling you like a shark. 

Funny how the Devil is twisting my life up in knots and yet they worry about the poet.

The poet is a more immediate threat because you'll use him to deflect your fear of Caleb and to distract them. 

Shhhh. Stop telling all my secrets. Or maybe start telling some of yours. What is he going to tell me?

I wish I knew but I don't. 

Bullshit, Jacob. 

You can trust me. 

No I can't. That ship sailed when you did.

He stares at me from the dim edges of the room while I stand bathed in moonlight in a square beaming in from the windows high up in the garage door. He's still so big unlit. He still looms so large in my heart as he takes my hands and pulls me in close to dance with him to silence.

Bridget, you need to find out what he's hiding. 

Will it change anything?

I don't know but it isn't fair. The truth is the way. 

Life isn't fair, Jakey, and sometimes the truth hurts. 

Where is Ben? He can get you sobered up here. 

He's busy trying to engineer an evening with Duncan I think. Sorry. He loves to watch. I cover my mouth when a half-laugh, half-sob escapes. He's too fast even for me, sometimes.

Maybe you are better off with Caleb rather than the two of them. 

Never, I tell him. Thanks for the dance.

Starting my resolutions early.

The morning is bracing, the walk exceedingly slippery, but I am here for my morning tour because it's the final one of this year.

So many lasts, to be followed by so many firsts. This is bittersweet.

Caleb keeps my hand tightly in his as we walk. I keep sliding off rocks and into knee-high holes. He keeps threatening to barge over heavy machinery and remove all of the rocks and driftwood from the beach. I remind him that there are no treasures to be found in clear sand. He shakes his head and resumes walking and I rush to keep up.

You need to take some time to seriously consider my offer, Princess. 

My heart contracts and flexes out again when he uses that nickname. I can't do that. You didn't think this through and so you're only hurting yourself. 

Bridget. I have information you need and yet it's important enough that the only way you will still be speaking to me after you learn it is if I am legally tied to you. 

That bad, huh?

Pardon me?

Did you push Jacob? Did you murder Cole? I don't see how anything you have to reveal now would change anything. Who does it concern?

All of us. 

My fingers are ice and my mouth is dry but my eyes have no problem welling up and giving me away. I don't want him to see that I'm upset or scared or angry. I want him to squirm and suffer wondering how I feel but I have no practice in this and I'm out of my league, over my head and soon to drown in his blue eyes, as usual. This is hard, when he becomes gentle and patient and slow.

This is hard.

Does it concern Jacob?

He looks out to sea and then nods ever so slightly. Had I followed his gaze I would have missed it.

My chin quivers but my voice holds. Then keep it to yourself.

New to earthquakes.

We had an earthquake last night, and I have bacterial pneumonia, which was masquerading as anything but that and so much for that stubborn cold/flu/tiredness thing, hey?

But it was very thrilling last night to be standing in the kitchen and suddenly feel everything move and not be fainting in the process. Like everything moving. At once. Floor, walls, cupboards and people. And the rumbling-roar. I thought someone was bringing a truck right into the foyer. I thought the dog was chasing the cats or that Lochlan and Caleb had taken their fight to the floor again. But then it was over and our phones lit up with earthquake news. Holy smokes. I've been through a few good hardy hurricanes in my life but this was a whole other beast.

Our supplies are not nearly enough, I think today. What if we had to leave the point? What if we couldn't? Not a fun thought so quick, let's distract and forget about it all until the new one. It will make me feel better.

(We actually are stupidly prepared. unlike most folks I have spoken to.)

The fainting was somewhat normal. The pneumonia is being treated with better antibiotics in bigger doses and Ben is being an absolute sweetheart. So is Lochlan. Mostly because instead of considering Caleb's latest proposal I have rejected it out of hand and instead leveled my own demands on him. How dare he assume I would accept whatever asked in exchange for information? How dare he make them worry like this?

If it's something important that I should know then you should just tell me. Otherwise I don't see how it affects me now but so help me God , (insert death threats here) if you haven't told me something I should know. 

I said the same thing to Batman, who suddenly wants to mind his own business. Right. Okay.

Ben and Loch said the moguls are just messing with me and I believe that too so I shut it all down, shut them all out and instead am loving doing very little, being spoiled and getting better. Thank heavens we made so much turkey soup. It's fantastic.

I hope there are no more earthquakes though.

I just realized he's still calling Caleb Lucy. As in Lucifer. That's when this crosses back from frustrating to unbearable.

I know my soul's freezing
Hell's hot for good reason
So please take me

It was easy enough to play the scared card and he backed way off, stepping away into the edges of twilight where it was hard to see him but I could breathe a little easier. My chest squeezes hard in toward my heart and I want to make things better but this wouldn't achieve that. This would make it worse.

Take all the time you need.

(How long will you live? That will be the time I need.)

Please come to me if you have any questions.

(Why do you do this? Why can't you just let her be. She was TWELVE, for Gods sakes.)

I hope you'll consider this very seriously, Neamhchiontach.

(In what universe could I even hope to consider this? This isn't serious. It's ludicrous.)

I nod and try and breathe. When I go back into the house Lochlan tells me I look pale.

It's cold.

If it were, you'd be pink, not whitish-grey, Peanut. He looks unimpressed so to actually impress him, I faint.

I hear the yelling (why do they always yell?) and I try to sit up but I don't think I have any energy left. He pulls me up and I lean against his chest, my back warm suddenly. I felt so cold. I don't really understand. My fingers are icy. My eyes burn.

What happened? PJ leans down in my face.

She was outside with Lucy. He probably poisoned her. Loch's voice is so ragey sometimes. It makes me sad. If only he knew.

I shake my head. Psychic overload. Like the lights. 

You didn't put out any lights, Peanut. 

The night is young. 

Not for you, it isn't. He stands me up but holds on tightly, picking up one hand and waving it comically toward PJ. Say goodnight, Bridget.

Goodnight, Bridget, I tell PJ and I am taken to bed.

***

Batman was right. Why did he know these things? What else does he know that he isn't telling me? Why would Caleb think his latest proposal would be something I would ever consider in a million years? Oh, but for my horrible curious streak I wouldn't understand but sadly I do. Perfectly.

Today x 5

-Today I spent quite a few minutes twirling around the Alexander McQueen boutique all by myself, an oasis in a sea of noisy, fighty shoppers who kept bumping into me to the point that Caleb finally stepped in front and barreled through with a scary look on his face that spread the crowd like the red fuckin' sea.

-Today I've had a piece of cinnamon toast and a bowl of spicy ramen and that's it and I'm starved but dinner is a free-for-all because lunch was bigger than usual. Was it? I'm not sure. Plus it was right at noon and usually on days off lunch winds up at threeish. I'm so discombobulated.

-Today I learned Lemmy (Ian) Kilmeister died after finding out he had cancer on Saturday. That's terrible but he lived and rocked hard and he's already missed. Ben's been playing Motorhead at top volume ever since we found out. Ben was so in love with him. Everything louder than everything else, after all. We have matching hoodies with that on the back.

-Today I still feel a little like I'm being dragged around my life caught on a truck, scraping on the pavement, ankles bumping slack over potholes and pedestrians. I am slowly feeling better but it's coming in half-percent increments spread out over days each so don't hold your breath for any great new year resurrection here or anything.

-Today I took pictures and didn't worry too much about anything, not the drama of the past week nor the uncertainty of the future. I just wandered and looked and watched and let everyone make decisions and I let it go.

Oh, hey. Drive-by because I'm still Christmasing and refuse to stop.

This Christmas was downright blissful with all twenty of us on the point enjoying what somehow morphed into a four-day pajama party thanks to the snow/rain and general level of contagion here. We didn't have any visitors and we hardly ventured out, save for Sam and Ruth who had to work a little, and Ben who caved in and made a Burger King run because he's incorrigible and wanted a spicy chicken sandwich. But it's okay because two hours after that he ate half a pie.

I just looked at the pie and gained a few pounds. Oh, and then late last night we finished the chocolates only to take apart the box for recycling only to find a whole other trayful underneath. More chocolates! Yay!

The wrapping paper we managed to flatten into a tiny bagful. The turkey we boiled down to a pile of little bones and made soup from, though the soup went into the freezer because there's still five platters of actual turkey in the fridge to be eaten.

We could nuke the road at the top of the hill and never have to leave the point again.

And I have been snuggled to bits.

It was perfect.

Very gentle wolves.

(Your semi-annual reminder: I can't really write about all of our family Christmas traditions because I try not to write about the children so please don't find it weird that it seems like they don't exist here on the page. They're the center of my universe, I just afford them the utmost privacy. I protect them. I am the mama bear.)

Once again the laundry is up to date, I made poached eggs on English muffins for breakfast and my nose is really so stuffed I think someone filled it with cement when I wasn't looking because I can never breathe but my bloodwork came back fine, blood pressure a little high and I have an inhaler and some more antibiotics and I'll get better eventually but I pretty much live like I described yesterday and that's why I get run-down and then get sick. This many people living and working together means germwise we're only marginally better than an elementary school.

Actually, nix that. We're probably worse.

I thawed some icy hearts with the egg mcmuffins and on the rest I used my honesty. August doesn't get in trouble because he did nothing wrong so I took my lectures right up front, facing-forward, openly and without apology. Crossing lines? Always. Inappropriate? You betcha.

Anyone actually mind?

Nope. When she's gone they get sleep. When she's near they get comfort. Company. Something to hold when you feel like the planet is going to fling you right off.

Lochlan doesn't like any of it but still made the terrible suggestion that they set up an invisible fence that would electrocute me if I went to the wrong areas.

Didn't you already try that and I got blown off my feet?

We'll keep it to the inside. And that wasn't me.

You forget there are places inside you don't want me to go.

(I keep my cuddles to safe targets. I can only imagine the outcry and resulting implosion if I went and cuddled with Sam, or Duncan. Or PJ. I actually miss my PJ cuddles. He locks his door now. Keeps out my demons, he says without meeting my eyes. Oh.

August isn't a safe target, Lochlan tells me. He's a Jacob-clone. He's an enabler. He comes across as wanting you to be healthy but he's as sick as everyone else here.

You really are in fine form today, Lochlan.

I just wish you'd stay put.

Nothing has changed in thirty-five years of him saying that. But he's just pissed because I accepted an invitation for some eggnog tonight at ten from the Devil. Like I said, I don't want anyone to be alone at Christmas. He's going to be around the house all day every day but at night he'll go home across the driveway to his own bed. They think this works but I know the lonelies attack in the dark when you're by yourself and all the bad thoughts come crowding in to dismantle the hard work you did in faking it or being cheerful or at least being constructive.

That's when they come and I feel like if I can't stop mine just maybe I can stop theirs.

Now I have to go and start cooking because I'm making eight tourtieres and a big bowl of hot crab dip for tonight's dinner. We were going to have lobster tonight but there's no room left in the fridge. Or in Sam's fridge, or Caleb's or August's or the big professional series one next door at Schuyler's. So much food. I feel very thankful even though I have to eat with my mouth open and my hand up over my face these days to maintain politeness because breathing is such a struggle.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

No gift to bring.

Ugh. Up at four-thirty for God knows why. Did all of the laundry, fixed the broken Christmas ornaments and tackled the mending pile. Wandered. Saw a light on in Andrew's room across the yard and several at Batman's. Ate a banana, got heartburn. Went outside. Stupid sun won't come up. It must be stuck. Maybe someone can give it a push later. Rolled downhill into a little hole and also got stuck. Contemplated dragging the driveway toward me but at the other end is the boathouse so instead I pulled toward the right and eventually climbed out of the hole long enough to make it up the steps to August's flat. Knocked five times as per instructions when I can no longer speak. Stomach hurts. Head hurts. Heart hurts. Christmas hurts? This is new. He opens the door in boxers and yesterday's t-shirt. Arms out. Hard hug without an ending. To be continued. I drop back in the hole but he's got me by one arm. I'll be okay.

He mumbles something about getting me better drugs and maybe a SAD light too and leads me to his bed where he crashes hard, one hand still grasping my arm as I dangle on the edge of sleep at last. Fall into dreams of some other big Newfoundlander with an accent thicker than whipped cream, more colorful than a rainbow. Cry in my dreams. Wake up to August holding me so hard he cracked my ribs. Head feels clear, stomach doesn't hurt anymore.

Not supposed to be here.

Not supposed to use him as a surroJake but he's the closest I will ever get ever again and frankly I don't care and I don't think he minds any more than he used to. Gave him something he needed too. It's Christmas. No one should sleep alone.

Arghhh. Leafs lost 3-2 to Arizona. FFS. But I still made money.