No change, I can changeThe New Year exploded dramatically with the pop of a champagne cork and a burst of fireworks lighting up the night sky over the water. We celebrated on the beach in the cold because we're smart like that. Smarter still was slow-dancing with Duncan in the living room and then Ben telling me if I wanted to go further that I could. That he would run any interference that I needed and I nodded that I understood and then I went out to the garage. I wrote about that yesterday.
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
But you didn't write about when you went back inside.
Because there's nothing to talk about unless you want a graphic description of my dreams and the drool on my pillow. Trust me, nobody wants that.
Did you sleep with Duncan, Neamhchiontach?
No! Jesus Christ. Give me some credit here. I told you, I'm not going to risk or ruin anyone else.
What about Sam?
Sam is already ruined, but not by me. He is the architect of his own demise. And what does he have to do with any of this?
I see things no one thinks I see.
What if there's nothing to see at all? What if it's just smoke or darkness?
I see right through that. I'm the Devil, remember?
***
Lochlan and I are making pancake-faces and talking quietly. No one is up yet but early mornings have always been our favorite time, before the world gets busy, noisy and crowded.
What are your resolutions this year, Peanut?
To listen to more metal, eat less junk and walk more to keep my knees from seizing. To paint more and talk to ghosts less. I look at him quickly, seeking approval but he's closed-cards this morning. And to depend less on you for behavioral cues because you've become everyone's favorite table-flipper (but I don't say that out loud.) What about you?
I'm going to quit drinking and try and not be so hard on you. He reaches over to pull me close but I'm busy-busy flipping pancakes and trying not to let him see my eyes flood over.
It's fine. I'm not easy.
You're impossible, he says it softly.
If I'm so horribly flawed why are you still here?
Because I love you. You're part of me.
You love me in spite of the way I am.
Yes.
Than stop trying to change it.
That's the plan, Peanut. I'm just going to give up on our dream of the perfect life, because that's the only way I can do this.
I throw the spatula down and turn and stare at him. I don't know where this is coming from. I didn't do anything. The pancakes start to singe but we're so used to burning smells we don't react until the fire alarm starts wailing and the room fills with smoke and people. People who are really concerned and want the smoke cleared out before the sprinklers kick in.
OH SHIT.
When the dust settles and we have our breakfast (now with all the windows open freezing us both to bits in penance for such an irresponsible argument, or as Lochlan put it, We know fire! We weren't going to let anything happen to a house full of sleeping people! Jesus Christ! Give us some credit! And Ben looked at him and said No. Then he said we would eat the burned pancakes too.) we resume our quiet fight, slinging words, hitting targets. I finally find the key.
Are you really that angry about Duncan?
What? No! I know damn well you're not going to sleep with him. What I'm worried about is that the Devil will wear you down. That's how they get to you. They control you.
Teach them everything you know, did you?
He looks out the window. Why is everything a fight?
Because you're not my keeper.
I love you!
Everyone does! You're not special.
He gets a bottle and drinks a quarter of it, slams it down and then sits. Defeated. Eyes closed. Body on fire, probably. Finally he speaks. Thought I was.
You are! The most! But I can say things to hurt you right back. Let me just learn from the best here, Lochlan!
He laughs and passes me the bottle. Take some. It cuts the burned taste.
Thanks.
We're not so bad. Are we so bad?
We're awful.
Terrible.
The worst.
Can I be honest?
Why not?
I really thought you were going to go with Duncan.
And what would you have done?
I would have killed him. And then Ben. And then probably you.
Wow. Okay, so good choice in staying put. I'll drink to that. But don't be scary, Lochlan.
Can't help it. It's the only thing that gets your attention. I just want our simpler life back. You and me. When things were boiled down to comfort and adventure and it wasn't this big complicated mess.
Well, be patient because I think it's coming. Maybe sooner than you expect.
The Devil is going to break you.
I'll break him first.