Saltwater seasons.

It was a special treat. We parked the camper on the bluff overlooking the campground and I wasn't doing any chores because I couldn't stop staring out to sea. It was hypnotic. It was colorful. It was everything. Lochlan looked after everything for those three days, including my chores and for the rest of our trips thereafter he parked in the woods, under the trees, making sure I had to walk to find the view.

What happens if you swim all the way across? 

You'd be in Ireland. Maybe Greenland if the currents take you North. 

What about if you swim out but then down?

You mean South. The tropics, the Caribbean. Where it's warm by the equator. 

We should go there. 

We can't take our camper. 

Why not?

It doesn't float, Peanut. 

Then we should buy a boat-camper. 

That's just a boat. Anything bigger than a rowboat we could probably live on. 

Let's go where it's warm then. 

Are you cold, Bridgie?

Freezing. 

Why didn't you say something?

Because yesterday you yelled at me for whining. 

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Yesterday was a bad day but I should never take it out on you. 

He puts his hoodie on me and zips up the front all the way, being careful not to catch my hair but also not putting my arms in the sleeves. I am warm just watching him as he tucks all of my hair into the hood when he pulls it up around my face.

There. His eyes land on mine again and he smiles. Better?

Almost. 

He hugs me close. That better?

Yes. 

But Bridge. 

What?

I can't wash dishes like this.

If we had that boat-camper you could wash them in the ocean. 

That would be gross. 

No, it'd be awesome.

Levitate my packages to me on a wave of enlightenment and fix my friends while you're at it. I think I broke them.

I did have a lovely day yesterday, right up to capping the whole thing off with a bourbon on the rocks onboard Caleb's boat. Caleb's albatross, I mean. He leaves it moored against the dock down there and it sits. It sits. What a waste. I would pack my shit and take off for Europe but I'm not sure there's room for everyone.

There is, he tells me. But who would you bring? 

Ah. He's looking for comfort. A test of my loyalty.

Everyone. You free? I wink at him and smile through the glass. I know what it's like to wonder where you stand and I don't play those games anymore, just most of the other ones.

Charades. Trivia. Poker. Poke-her...

Nevermind.

Today I'm fighting with the postmaster. Anyone have an in with Deepak Chopra? I thought he was a new age inspirational author and it turns out he's our postmaster general. Who knew? Canada Post insists they've delivered my new Motorhead hoodie but they didn't and I'm getting angry at them. I've been chasing parcels all fucking spring here.

Today I cleaned all of the bathrooms by myself and have that beautiful contact high from Pine Sol. I played Demon Hunter loud enough to drown out Matt, who left eventually and then Sam too, who stood his ground, waiting me out and eventually went and got some cleaning supplies and did mirrors and floors while I did everything else.

It's supposed to be his day off. I told him to find Matt and do something wonderful or at least return the stuff that wasn't right to the hardware store but he said he had a job today and that job was seeing how I'm doing. And making sure that in spite of my assurances, I am okay.

I assure him that I am and tell him again to go play and then I realize he's not here to provide comfort, he's seeking it. I stop and sit staring at him until he caves in and then suggest we drop the cleaning since this whole floor is finished and go get some tea. He practically leaps at the chance and tells me he's had a rough few days with Matt, that they've been fighting and he feels a little out of his league. Matt isn't predictable like a woman. I stand there and frown at him until he realizes he's being sexist and ask what exactly Matt is being like that has him so upset.

He's just quiet and noncommittal. Sam shrugs.

Oh, you mean like a man. I laugh and then stop instantly. Sam, it's only been a few months. The honeymoon part wears off and you see your hazy, ethereal love in a harsh fluorescent light. It's so fun! That's where you dig in hard and the light softens exponentially over months and years and the ethereal view returns eventually. Everyone has doubts that crop up after the cards stop coming in the mail and you stop feeding each other breakfast. 

That's very apt. I suppose you do have more experience in this area than I do. 

I've possibly been married a couple of four times. But I'm not good at this stuff either. I pick people who are though. 

Yeah, Cole seems like he must have been a real romantic. Oh, shit, Bridget. I'm sorry. It was there and it just flew out. 

At least I picked a side and stuck with it. 

Huh. We can't say the same for Lochlan, now can we?

This is why Matt is mad at you, Sam. You're cheeky and fresh and you need to know your place. 

As the little woman?

Hell, yes.  Join me. Clean some toilets and at the same time balance on your pedestal. It's a talent and an honor, you see. 

HA. (K, mom? Don't read.)

I heard them calling me halfway up the stairs so I pulled the quilt up over my head and tried to hold my breath. Depending on how messy the bed is I can sometimes hide in it. I'm not very big.

Ben walked in singing my name, using the song from Bear in the Big Blue House only instead of Shadow, he sang Where oh where oh where is Bridget? And he started crawling across the floor, looking under things. Lochlan's footsteps moved to the side, and I could feel him standing up at the top of the bed near my head. Then all of the sudden Ben's hands grabbed my ankles and pulled and I shrieked as I came shooting out the bottom of the covers.

He says to Lochlan, It's a girl!

Lochlan said, Good! This house is a sausage fest. No more guys! And I laughed and laughed and then I tried to crawl back up into the bed but Ben was having none of that. He draped me across his lap, still holding tight and Lochlan came down to sit beside him at the foot of the bed.

What would you like to do today?

I want to have a good day. A good life. No more fighting. No yelling.  No bad feelings. I gesture to Lochlan's head with both hands, upside down as I look up at both of them. I want the glitter. The magic. Music. Cake. Love. Let's make it good. This is so good. We need to keep it that way. 

So back to bed for a while?

I have to say goodbye to the kids. They leave for school any minute.

Caleb already took them up. 

Oh, really?

Yes, he's being helpful. 

What did you do?

Just gave him a couple chores. PJ is really enjoying the break. 

Oh wow. Guys. Really?

You want to go back to bed or not? Loch pulls his shirt off over his head and grins at me.

I nod and Ben stands up and throws me on the bed.

I thought I told you to stop doing that! 

No way. It's fun to watch. 

So I'll throw you. 

I will wait here while you try. 

I may need help. 

Who shall we call? Ben says as he pulls his jeans off.

Okay! Nevermind! 

I think you've got your hands full anyway. 

I will in a minute, I'm sure. 

Polyscandalous.

I sent the boys outside to fight in the sun. PJ and I are inside trying to catch up on chores, playing Bon Jovi and trading off vocal licks like you wouldn't believe. After all this time we have it down to a cold habit. Duncan already expressed his admiration for our talent and Dalton complained (again) that he HATES Bon Jovi.

I reminded him he saw them twice and then asked him why he wasn't outside reffing the argument. He said Ben was out there, was I actually worried and I said I was, about everyone else. He said not to be, they weren't worth it and I reminded him who owns this house.

He tells me he thought I did now and I said technically I do but it's complic-

Oh, Bad Medicine is on. Let me go let my inner fifteen-year-old out. I'll be back.

***

Ben is understandably ragey at everyone. Mostly because we glossed when he was an absent friend once upon a time and we never went back and fixed that. There's never a good time to say, yeah so there's more to that thing you knew of. Maybe I should have sat him down and told him when he proposed but I was so busy being insane I barely stopped to remember he's been there so long, within reach.

He said he probably didn't give me a chance to have any solid brain matter left. I've told him so many times that day he said to me, Maybe you'd feel less like his if you were mine my insides liquified and haven't been the same since.

So he isn't angry at me.

He's angry for giving Caleb access. He's angry for giving Loch an unintentional pass. He's angry at the world right this second and not even Daniel can get him down from the black cloud he's climbed up on, and I gather he'll sit up there until he's good and ready.

He did clarify he isn't as angry at Lochlan, that he loves him, he just thinks that everything should have been put out there so that he wasn't in the dark. Lochlan acknowledged that, in tears and they had some sort of moment. It still floors me when they're affectionate with each other. Ben swings whichever way the wind blows and Lochlan doesn't like boys in that way so its phenomenal that he takes this beyond a brotherhood and into a whole new experience.

Caleb didn't even try to defend himself. I think he's just waiting for news to percolate down through the ranks and then the pitchforks and flaming torches to come out in force. He's sent me a dozen heartbreaking messages on my phone and I haven't responded to a single one but I'll give him credit. He isn't running.

I wonder if he should be.

Home is where the wi-fi connects automatically.

I've been a mom for a decade and a half and it feels like it still isn't real. I was still a little girl in my brain, playing house, playing dolls, seeking stereotypes and forging ahead with my plans for the perfect family when Ruth was born, even as I stood in lineups at the bank, at the grocery store, at the hardward store marveling that people actually thought I was an adult. Then I blinked and suddenly the children are taller than me, so sure of themselves where I am not, navigating the world with ease while I remain behind scared to death of everything yet mindful of nothing all the same, careless as I careen from one day to the next, outrunning my own adulthood with the same speed that I outrun my shadow.

The children are my greatest achievement and my fondest wish, the biggest love I will ever experience but in a different way for this one that can't be killed, fought away or shut down. They are voracious, ridiculously sophisticated readers and just about as stubborn as me. They are argumentative, selectively forgetful and effortless in their plans to move ahead and see everything that's out there, knowing that I'm right here when they get hungry, when their hearts get broken or when they run out of money, means or mayhem to get into.

They watched American Hustle with us last night and now call the microwave the Science Oven.

Happy Mother's Day.

Perpetual redemption and sliding back into sin.

Ben looked across the table at Caleb this morning and said, You know what? You can cover shit with money but it's still shit. 

Caleb asked him if he had something he wanted to say.

Ben nodded. I just did. You're a piece of shit. 

Caleb nods, looking at me. I see you told him the rest of your tales. 

It's ongoing, I say, sipping my coffee. If the table is going to go over I really want to finish my coffee first.

What made you think you could do that? Ben is not holding to his agreement to be calm.

I was twenty years old and I thought the way to take the world was by brute force. That's why I've spent thirty years trying to make it up to her. 

Sort of trying and sometimes not trying. 

She told me to go away and I left. Jacob had her through the awful years. She was a lot more stable with me. In face, she seems better than ever now, with me right here. 

OH my God. You're not going to take credit for that. You know who gets that credit? THIS GUY RIGHT HERE. He points at Loch.

So Caleb points at Loch too. This guy? The one who took her out there and put her in the middle of a fucking carny nightmare? That's no place for a child.

It was fine until YOU showed up. 

HEY. 

They all look at me. I was loud.

Stop it. The only reason it's coming out now is so it's out and we can move on. Otherwise leave him be. He's literally paying for his crimes. He's worked hard. 

He got lucky. We don't need him. 

I do. I need him. Henry needs him. This isn't going to turn into a war. No one touches him. 

What about you, Loch? You're fine with this?

Nope. I never said I was. I don't want him anywhere near us but it's necessary. Sometimes I think he purposely got you pregnant just so you'd always be tied to him, Bridget. 

Caleb laughs. That's exactly what I did. This is a multiyear plan. 

There goes the table. I don't even know which one of them flipped it. I just know he was smiling when he said it and that means it's a lie. He's seeking forgiveness from me and me alone now.

Safety off.

Well the rain exploded with a mighty crash
As we fell into the sun
And the first one said to the second one there
I hope you're having fun

Band on the run
Band on the run
And the jailer man, and sailor Sam,
Were searching everyone
For the Band on the run

Yesterday Caleb put Lochlan's money back into my hands and told me to put it wherever I wanted, though he recommended all sorts of offshore holdings and local market GICs in rotation. He's not dumb and he's not giving up easily. I've told him to drop the whole thing even as I work to set up everything he's suggested. This isn't coming from a place of rivalry, it's coming from a shared fatherhood. They're freakishly respectful of each other as fathers. Sometimes I think that's the only saving grace we'll ever have here.

And Joel's position without tenure means he is still in danger of losing his job but Caleb has made a safety net for him too and at least for the meantime he leaves to go to work and I don't have to deal with him. I haven't invited him for any meals nor have I done anything other than be ambushed by him in the driveway a couple of times as he says hello. We've managed to weird each other out completely. It's great. I live for those moments where people walk away from me curiously unhinged and shaking their heads. It's the ones who stare and wait for me to disappear from their view that unnerve me in return.

Ben stands twelve feet away, watching everyone watch me and I ignore them all. His shadow blocks the sun, shields the rain and keeps me ever so slightly removed from the tsunami of memories that licks at my heels.

I knit my brows, concentrating. Forward. Which gear is that again? What if there's something blocking the way? Oh, right, it's my own self standing there holding a handful of ladybugs and daisy petals and completely unsure that it's so safe to be on this path after dark but it's the only way home so I brush off my hands on the skirt of my dress and follow them all.

Last night Ben gave us a time-limit within which to be one hundred percent sure we have told him everything because at this point he knows he's standing in the dark as much as anyone and he played a card he's never played before with Loch. He reminded Loch of the gift he gave him and that in return he wanted trust and transparency and truth.

So eloquent and fearful of the unknown but sure in his efforts to navigate into the future, using honesty as a beacon because as he's now reminded everyone, what we've done so far hasn't worked. He grabbed me up very tightly off the ground, into his arms and I wrapped my arms around his neck and agreed to everything he asked for. It's a first. A milestone if ever there was one from which to mark the distance we've travelled because I think maybe we're finally going to get somewhere.

I hope it's a good place but that remains to be seen.

Word-selfies.

It's amazing how subjects of importance ebb and flow here, like the tides. For months, I've wanted to transcribe Lochlan's wedding vows because they floored me. There were no funny poems or vocabulary lessons, just the most beautifully arranged words.

For a long time I've wanted to tell you I'm only marginally happier now that we've left the Prairies, trading months of bone-numbing cold and violent news reports for being further still from my Atlantic.

So many times I wanted to tell you something amazing or hilarious that Ben did only to have him say at the last minute not to write about that. We've struggled with the words. He wants to be anonymous. His issues became public (not by me) and he's decided that he doesn't like to be thrust into spotlights he doesn't walk under voluntarily. It's ongoing.

I wanted to tell you that I would resurrect Jacob if I could because he talked to me like no one else does. He listened. He didn't teach and preach endlessly. He didn't push me off in favor of getting things done, he didn't rush around and have no time. He didn't ever seem impatient or frustrated or busy.

Some days I want to point out the obvious, that my knees are destroyed and I can never run again. Bring the crazies in now, I have no means of outrunning my own thoughts. I'm sure running at some point was the only thing that kept me from turning around the bend into some sort of cartoon character in a straitjacket. I'm sure running emptied my mind, a trail of words bouncing off the road behind me every step. I'm sure that I've tried since and it's not going to happen and yet I can't find a replacement short of drinking and that's not a thing I wish to do with any regularity.

I need more time than I have. I've always been greedy with time, wanting the attention, the focus to never end, sucking the life out of whole men to the point that they perish for lack of replenishment or maybe it's just so horrific to watch me twist in the wind feigning solitude and abandonment when they're right here that it kills them slowly and then it kills them fast.

Maybe I can shift things back. Find a replacement for running. Cure issues that only exist inside my thick little head. Respect Ben, and Lochlan and the others and bury Jacob already, for he isn't coming back. Tell you the touching, important things and let the rest go. Learn to love where I am, where my children and my boys are and know that the place or the proximity isn't as important as the people even as I tell you all to leave me alone, for I only need the sea.

 

Joel's co-worker Oliver came to help him unpack for a couple hours. I think Oliver was a plant to help assuage my fears over Joel being here. I was brutally honest with Oliver. I think he thought the whole thing was desperately serious and completely ridiculous at the same time.

He said I should have a bodyguard around the clock, because he can see being alone with me would cause problems for some people.

I asked him why that's supposed to be my fault and he said he didn't know if it is. Then he revealed in the next breath that he's a Saint Louis fan so I pretty much wrote him off right there. Of course, he's American so they're fickle like that.

I would keep Oliver if he wanted to move in but Caleb's no-more-boys rule stands. Asher and Joel are not friends and were not to function as friends. I already told Joel that I'm not going to let him pick through the remainder of my brain and he said he had no plans to make things worse for me by being here. I responded by holding up his watch, wallet, keys, phone and pocketknife and told him I would make things worse for him, that he's been warned. He just laughed and asked me why I never did that when Jake was around. I said I did but only to Jake.

Then I cried again because stupid, stupid brain.

The boys aren't all that upset about this. They come from some strange place in which they commiserate with each other because Bridget does things to you. 

And they prefer to have trained counselors handy for emergencies. Even though his credentials and his public confidence are both long gone, he still knows what he knows. With August gone and Sam's skills as a counselor being more rudimentary they will welcome the break from needless second-guessing and the worry about whether or not I am doing okay, because Joel is supposedly magical and all-knowing.

The sad part is he did a very good job with me when I lost my shit. I still wish it had ended differently.

He says he's hoping to spend some time with me changing that but with him all my alarm bells went off because all I heard was he's hoping to spend some time with me.

I'm not afraid of him but I still don't know who was manipulated. Him or me? He should have had safeguards in place to prevent what happened but instead he YOLO'd it and put my well-being at risk and if he's going to be here, helping me, helping us and we'll be helping him (Caleb found out Joel was struggling to keep up with the cost of living here and also the victim of soon-to-be-cut budgets), then I have to be able to trust him and I don't anymore.

I think Caleb is stacking his deck. I think he wants to clear the air and he's going to do it with brute force and what I wanted a week ago and what I want right now are worlds apart. I wish he'd stop this. I wish he would just let sleeping dogs lie and I wish I could have a five-minute break from walking this minefield that is my life.

Lochlan has already been to see Caleb and told him there will be no forgiveness and also he doesn't want the money so here, take it back, it's all there. He told Caleb he has everything he needs and that's all that matters to him. He told me Caleb didn't say a word, that he didn't even look his way when he came in, nor when he left after dropping the envelope in front of him on the table.