Taste less.

Caleb asks me if I've had time to construct a list of rules for him, to be fair. I haven't. I am so out of my league here, I'm not even sure which sport this is. I'm game for poking fun at the weirdness of our lives though. Freak flags and all that, fly 'em sky high. If anyone thought we were serious, I might correct them. Then again I might say nothing at all.

Do you have yours?

Some, yes, Princess.

Well, let's trade. 

Ladies first. 

I wait and then burst into laughter. It works for PJ but the joke is lost on the Devil. He doesn't think he's a lady, I guess. Deep breath. Fine. You have to listen to the safe words.

He reddens and looks at his shoes briefly. You have to say them. Out loud.

My turn to blush. No biting. 

No hearing aids. 

No Russians. 

No Converse All-stars. 

No Peyton. 

No husbands. And for the record, Peyton has nothing to do with this. 

She personifies high-risk behavior. 

As does everything I do. But I've never slept with Peyton so you have no worries. If you'd rather I didn't date then I won't. 

You did sleep with her. You told me you had needs. 

Right. Every now and then I'd like to have a conversation with someone who is over twelve, doesn't punch me before they hear what I have to say and doesn't fall asleep the moment they sit down with a drink. But no, I didn't sleep with her and if you're calling me a liar then I would like an apology.

Sorry, yeesh. 

Don't be. It's adorable that you're jealous. And that you fall asleep practically standing up.

Yes, so adorable you need to rent Peyton to offset the horror of it all. 

Do you have any more rules for me, Bridget?

I'll have to check and have my assistant get back to you. 

I have one more. 

What is it?

That we agree to no rules because all of these are terrible. 

Fine but if you bite me they'll kill you. 

Hey, if you don't say the words when you need them I might kill you first.

Big broken dreams and fresh tracks.

I know I tried
I was not stable
And flawed by pride
I miss my sanguine eyes
So hold my hands up
Breathe in and breathe out

So love the one you hold
And I'll be your goal
To have and to hold
A lover of the light

I don't think Loch even noticed as I held the button down until the song was so loud it drowned out everything else. He kept right on talking. Whatever he was saying he was earnest and convicted and passionate about at least.

Finally after five minutes straight as I tried to memorize the words, the music faded and he said,

...so if he thinks you're going anywhere but straight on to heaven he's going to have to answer to me. You belong there, more than anyone else in this world, Peanut.

He took a deep breath, maybe the first one of the day and then he cocked his head. Hey, what song is this? It's amazing.

Uneasy listening.

I will try not to worry you.
I have seen things that you will never see.
Leave it to memory me. Don't dare me to breathe.
I want you to remember. Oh. (you will never see)
I need something to fly (something to fly)
Over my grave again. (you will never see)

I need something to breathe (something to breathe)
Baby, don't shiver now.
Why do you shiver now?

Lochlan made a playlist for me to listen to today. He's gone off with his portfolio tucked under his arm to a job interview meeting and didn't want me to be without musical direction.

But I'm actually not so sure it's for me, I think he might have made it for himself, but he left it up on the screen of his laptop so I would find it, so maybe it's for both of us.

1. Learning to Breathe -Switchfoot
2. When will you Breathe -10 Years
3. Speak to me (Breathe) -Pink Floyd
4. Every Breath you Take -The Police
5. Harder to Breathe -Maroon 5
6. Breath -Breaking Benjamin
7. Breathe Again -Alter Bridge
8. Billy Breathes -Phish
9. I can't Breathe -David Gilmour
10. Try not to Breathe -R.E.M.
11. Teach me to Breathe -Soul Asylum

While he is gone today and Ben is working (DON'T EVEN START), Caleb thought today would be a great first day of the rest of our lives or something equally assinine. He invited me down to the boat for breakfast. I think he was incredibly relieved when we moved back to the point and he didn't have to scramble for a berth at the yacht club if he had to sell the property. Moorings are very expensive and the waiting lists are long. He cannot buy his place in line, therefore big headache.

I save him so much money, don't I?

So he offered me breakfast. But he didn't actually make it, he had it delivered. And he's starting to recognize that I have a mind of my own because he ordered...

Sausage and egg Mcmuffins! And hash browns! Not just two but four, because fuck one, I can eat two and I don't share. And their famously bad good coffee. I can't decide but I like it just the same. Take that, fourbucks.

(McDonald's on the water is probably as close to heaven as I will ever get, Jake. I won't end up with you. It was never in the cards, Cole made sure of that and I think we both knew it.)

When I was just about finished my breakfast, Caleb started in with the rules he will expect me to follow when I spend time with him.

It wasn't anything I haven't heard before. No surprises, nothing outrageous. All in all, a good day so far. Cross your fingers for Loch. He really wants this job. But you didn't hear that from me.

Or maybe I didn't hear that from you.

I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go
I cursed the gloom that set upon us
But I know that I love you so

I am listening to his latest effort while Zeppelin plays softly on the other side of the room. Ben has made the big headphones as small as they will go and still I have to hold them to my ears or they slide down over my jaw. They fit him perfectly. He has a big head.

The way he tells it I have a freakishly small skull that fits well in just one of his hands. I point out that my brain is equally smaller than the average human and therefore I must be more stupid than most and he nods very seriously. That's why you married me, he says.

Shut the fuck up, Ben.
 
Keep listening then, Bee.

So I turn away from him and close my eyes so I can feel the music, not physically this time. Oh my God. I don't know how he does this. It's beautiful and sweet but it isn't soft in the least. It's just as if he briefly makes himself transparent and allows us all to see. And then you blink and he's gone again and you realize you don't know a thing about him. I'm learning to deal with that part.


You want burgers? He's back to being always hungry, the weight he gained while he was in the states virtually falling off when he got home. That or it's the lack of a five-star chef here. I do my best but he's hard to keep satiated. Case in point, his hands slide down over my hips as I stand beside his chair and he pulls me into his lap. I'm hungry but not for food, Bridget.

The kiss that comes next leaves me lobotomized, loved. Ben's kisses fix everything. Had I known he was such a good kisser previously, I...huh, I have no idea but I don't pass them up now, I tell you.

His hands slide up under my t-shirt, under the camisole underneath to make goosebumps against bare skin. He's clearly starving here and I climb off his lap and try to pull him out of the chair to come upstairs with me. But when he stands up he lifts me up and slides my clothes right off and then carries me to the wall where I am pinned and left.

His breath is warm against the top of my head and my nose bumps against his chest as I am squeezed tighter and held harder than usual. He's tired. There's no finesse here, we're looking for comfort and familiarity and release. Polish can wait for another night, tonight is all about need.

 Just when the alarms begin to sound in my mind that he might actually break my bones through my skin with his hands holding me so tightly he reaches his turning point and then he backs away from the wall, slowly, still holding me, backing right down into the chair.

My little muse, he says, pulling me in against his chest. My legs dangle over the arms of the chair. I look like a reject from the Houses of the Holy album cover that is on the floor near the stereo.  

Is cold, I laugh in return. Jesus. It's freezing down here.   

What are you talking about? It's hot. Oh, wait, that's you. Haha. Hey, what are you doing? Don't put those back on.   

You want me to cook dinner naked?

Yes, yes I do.   

I don't think the boys would appreciate that. 

I think you're wrong, little bee.   

Okay, the kids. I don't think the kids would appreciate that. 

True. Here's your shirt.   

Thank you, sir.  

I'm not giving you back your jeans though. You look cute like this.

Oh, come on!

Earlybirds and albatrosses.

This morning I was woken up the same way he always used to wake me up back when life was all magic, no clocks.

By staring at me.

Watching me sleep. Viewing my dreams like a movie. Probably trying not to laugh because I snore when I'm stuffed up and I'm so stuffed up this morning and so worn out, jammed against Ben's chest, cool and safe, his arm down around me, his hand cradled under my head. My cheek is warm and stuck to the palm of his hand so when I raise my head up I look like I've been slapped.

Breakfast outside? Lochlan leans back so I can look out the window and see the sun reflecting on the water. No wind. Twelve degrees. Spring.

Yeah. Okay. 

Ben does not get up. Ben would sleep until dinner if we would only let him but I'll come back for him later and make him have breakfast outside too.

We take coffee and toast outside on the back step and sit down, plates on laps. We eat quietly. When I'm done I just sit and stare at the waves. Lochlan takes both plates, stacking them on the steps beside us and then he takes my hand and kisses the back of it.

What do you want to do today?

Drink coffee. Draw. Have a walk on the beach. Maybe see a show tonight?

What's playing?

No, I meant maybe you could do a show, if the wind holds off.

I could do that. He doesn't look so sure. 

But I don't deserve it. Right?

What are you talking about?

I moved us back here. I took the proposal. You didn't want me to do that and you've been angry ever since.

Bridget-

I do everything you don't want me to do. But you know what? I weighed the odds. I listed out the pros and cons and it's not as if I can just push him out of our lives. I have to see him every second or third day anyway and this works, you know? I like it here with everyone and I-

Bridget. 

What?

Stop it. I'm...disappointed I guess but I'm going to put my daughter and my love before my own feelings. I mean, if people want to say I sold out then that's fine. I'll have to bear that but his proposal was more of a tender to apply to stay in your life at any cost and everyone benefits from it, him least of all.

I could have refused. 

How? Bridget, the one mistake you've ever made in your life was in giving him an heir. 

Then surprisingly Lochlan was the one who looked as if he had been slapped because without thinking I reflexively reached out and slapped him for absolutely not saying that Henry was a mistake. My head knows better than that.

Oh my God. I'm sorry, Loch.

I should have said it differently. You know I love Henry. I just wish he was mine. I wish he was ANYONE else's and we could leave Caleb behind instead of carrying him. His weight burdens you. Everything just serves to keep us in the past. 

That's where the magic was. Right beside all the bad things.

No, Jesus, Bridget, magic is fully portable. We brought it here.

Prove it. I try to touch his face but he pulls back.

I've been trying forever but half the time you don't see it anymore. And I never had the guts to rescue you. I let you down so bad I don't think I deserve any of this room you've given me in your life. You don't understand the gift you have given me, the gift you are.

The slapping girl.  Woo. Lucky guy.

Heh. Yeah. Stop doing that. 

I'm sorry! Here, just slap me back and then we'll be even. 

I think I'll pass. Everyone already thinks I'm an asshole. 

Who?

The universe. You write the worst moments of my life down. 

And the best too. 

No. Not even close. 

What did I miss?

Everything, Bridget. Jesus, everything. You have no concept of my perspective on things. Moments I think you were maybe almost too young to remember or maybe just too...damaged to retain after all this time. I don't know. And I can't take a stand because I don't want to drive you away and...maybe we should change the subject. I'll try harder. I'll not withdraw when you need me. God. I don't even know how you slipped right through my fingers when I had everything a man could want. 

Bad things change people, Loch.

That isn't fair! They shouldn't have this much power. HE shouldn't have this much power.

Can we change the subject back to coffee and long walks on the beach now then?

He laughed. But there were tears too. Not big ones, just the quiet almost-tears that you have to know him to catch at all. You want a show tonight, I'll do one for you, Peanut. I'd do anything for you. I just hope you see that. I'm not here because it's easy living. Hell, it would have been easier to stay away. But I couldn't anymore. Do you understand that? I can't.

We're not good apart. I echo the words he said to me when he held me in the ruined camper after everything changed.

No, we're not good apart. He repeats and he knows exactly where I am in my head. Leave it there, Bridget. Come back to me here. Let's stay near the good parts of the story.

I'm trying but I keep messing everything up.

I know. Me too. 

Up. Tight.

Ben bought some new speakers this morning. When I stand on one of them I...

Well, I can't tell you what happens but you can probably guess what music that you feel (physically not emotionally) actually feels like.

Yes. JUST LIKE ONE OF THOSE.

By noon, there were three noise complaints from across the cove where our meany, homophobic neighbors live, the ones who disapprove of absolutely everything. So we got a warning from the local detachment to cool it. Just a little.

Also, I need a cigarette.

Lay it on the line.

I had a story for you about this song in particular but when I looked it up on Youtube to show you I was just so....thoroughly entranced by the red one-piece unitard and that hair that I forgot my story.

(Please note I didn't have cable television growing up and by the time I did this video wasn't in heavy rotation anymore, so today was the first time I've ever seen it.)

Just...take a minute and appreciate the glory of Canadian rock music. I can wait.

And for the record, every boy I know had hair like the unitard-sporting singer at some point or another.

Orbital resonance.

Hey, little asshole, he says softly. His face looks pleasant enough but his eyes look hesitant.

Hi big asshole, I say as I fight not to smile in spite of myself.

I need to show my face a little more? A little blogger birdie told me I've been missed.

Then maybe you should stop reading blogs in your soundproof cave and join humanity more often. 

Only if I can be sure this sort of guilt will always be present.

It's because I miss you.

I'm trying to keep my head on straight, little Bee. 

The wolves are getting in, Ben. 

Didn't mean to leave the door open, Bridget. 

I know. 

He puts his hand out and takes mine. I wasn't sure if I was going to give it so I'm glad I didn't have to decide on the fly. We don't fight so good, me and Ben. It goes on for days and weeks and we're merciless.

Do you feel vindicated? Are you satisfied? Will this make your nightmares stop? He reaches out and tucks my hair behind my ear. Will it make Lochlan's nightmares stop? Can we sleep now?

I hope so. 

What if nothing changes? 

It's already started to shift, Ben. You must have missed it.

Angel town.

Now, she feels safe in this bar on Fairfax
And from the stage I can tell that
She can't let go and she can't relax
And just before she hangs her head to cry
I sing to her a lullaby
I sing 'Everything's gonna be all right.
Rockabye, rockabye'

He really seems to want to keep his doll.

I'm not all that sure Caleb is sincere, though. I'm not sure if I would recognize an act from full surrender at this point but to help his case he had it picked over by both sets of lawyers and he cleared it with Ben too, who just shrugged and went right on back to tuning the guitar that is never put down enough to loosen itself out of tune in the first place.

(I need to address that but I've become a little bit paralyzed when it comes to Ben and so we leave him downstairs to his work and bring him food and wonder out loud what the hell he's doing now but he doesn't usually answer. And the weird part? When he gets like this he usually comes up with something wonderful at the end of his creative process. When he works for himself, not for someone else.

But it kills him just a little more each time in the process and hell, I've already died ten times over if we're keeping score because I hate that he's back and not present. But I won't abandon Benjamin ever so if you think the Devil's proposal was anything like the last one, then you can be as surprised as we were.)

Lochlan didn't say a word but I can see the doubt in his eyes. He wonders if it's an act too. He's afraid. I feel it in the way he crushes my fingers in his when he holds my hand. I see the way he came and stood beside me yesterday as I drew the tides in against the rocks with my heart, and he waited for me to tell him we were crazy. More than usual, I mean. But I couldn't because aside from Henry and I, the only thing that means anything to Caleb is his fortune and if he's willing to give that up to prove a point then his point is taken.

What Caleb gave me for a proposal was a big fat indemnity contract in which he will pay dearly for everything he has done. Nothing changes much on my end at all save for the fact that he will still ask me for my time, now and again. He would like a little attitude adjustment from all and a little acknowledgement too. He wants a little ground.Which means he's trying desperately to hold on to whatever it is he thinks he has, while he has it.

So I get the payback I wanted. We can fulfill our grand plans to take him for everything he's got and we'll do it with his blessing. Not exactly how I expected this to go down. I keep smoothing the contract out on my lap and reading it backwards and forwards and I can't see why he would do it this way but I'm too afraid to ask him in case he changes his mind. I'm too afraid I've misinterpreted the whole thing and I'm wrong about it. I could ask the closest lawyer to me to explain it but that right there is a really big conflict of interest, don't you think?

Deliberate introduction of the unexpected, or, more simply put, winning a war using the element of surprise.

Late gazes, window panes
And in the end they're not looking
No one gets to the wasted of mind
So insufficient this time

I don't think I noticed the cold or the rain until he put his arm around my shoulders and pointed out I was soaked to the skin and shivering.

I don't think I care, exactly and I came down here not to fight it out with words but to think it through inside my head. One minute I grasp a corner of bravery and a little excitement rolls over it, dripping off the edge and in the next moment despair tears it off in a jagged line, confusion soaking in and fear curling the edges like flames from fuel poured on dry paper.

Every time I jump someone gets hurt, I may as well just leave my feet on the ground, bound to the earth like tree roots on a cliff eroding into the sea. But in doing that I guess I made myself an easy mark.

I've picked off all my nail polish and bitten the quicks. I've punched holes in my lower lip for how tightly I'm clenching my teeth and I will never feel warm again if I stand here any longer. I can't feel my knees or my heart or my brain. It was probably never there to begin with. What's my name? Wait, don't tell me, I've heard it before. Bridget. Rhymes with fidget, rhymes with difficult.

Deep breaths don't work. The vodka didn't work. The sea isn't working. Nothing's working and yet the longer I remain here the easier it is to see that everything works just fine and it's me pushed all out of whack, bent out of shape, afraid of days that end in y and weather that features clouds, the letter J and running out of hugs.

Maybe none of it's scary in real life. Maybe it's just life and nobody cares the way I do. No one feels the way I do. No one understands who I am anymore.

I took the deal. I took it all. It wasn't even remotely what I was expecting and maybe that's how he'll win, in the end.