A beautiful blonde elephant and I chose not to mark his death or his birthday, though I may have poured a whole scotch into the ground for him right in front of Lochlan but I didn't say anything out loud, I only said it in my head.
Happy birthday, Pooh. Wish you were still here.
Fifteen years on and I don't know what to think anymore. It physically hurts to imagine him or think about him or hear his voice and see his face in a video or in my brain. It cuts my heart in half on an hourly basis and I don't know what you want from me, truthfully. I thought I would grieve and then live and move on but I just tuck the grief in under my elbow and go about my day and I'll forget it's there until it falls to the floor and rolls to the centre of the room and then everyone looks at it in horror until I snatch it back up and tuck it back next to my ribcage where my heart lunges for it and just about kills me, every single time.
It's a giant hole and the boys did an amazing job not filling it but padding the sides so it's like a trampoline I can jump into and then bounce out of again. Lochlan's done an amazing job filling my field of view with his hesitant smile and his huge red curls, his easy hands and endless affection. I never have to ask for a hug or a kiss. My hand is always held. I am always in his arms. He is always right there, keeping his promises safe.
The pills remain a necessity. With them I am brave. With them I can easily navigate things. I can deal with the thirst, the sudden narcolepsy and the late night wakefulness. I can deal with being benign about everything and emotional about nothing now. It's better than the fear that shadowed me my whole life thus far. I still cry. I still laugh like a teakettle someone forgot about, red in the face, tears streaming. I still feel things but they don't sink me in the quicksand sorrow I swam in daily before. Writing is so hard. Painting is so hard. Creative things are fleeting and difficult to begin but I am still here and before this I didn't want to be, in all honesty. I thought the kids were grown and independent and I could just disappear. I don't want to anymore. Thank the boys for that, they've been working so hard on this and I didn't say much because yet again I thought I would be a dismal failure to everyone.
Jacob seems happy that it's working. I still look for his approval. I still look for his permission.
Maybe that will change eventually too.