It's a little bit cooler today. Rain mixed with sunny periods and a little bit of cloudiness and it's only seventeen degrees still which makes me exceedingly happy.
This is perfect weather. I am definitely an East Coast girl. Everyone talks about the rain here but honestly it makes me feel safe and cozy. As long as I don't have to drive at night in it I am good.
We are supposed to be at a music festival this week but we are not. It's outside. Might go for a bit tonight. Didn't really think it through when the tickets came out and shouldn't have gotten them but FOMO was big back then and we jumped to do something, anything, like pre-Covid times.
Things are so different now.
My mind races ahead and then turns and lags, distracted by nothing of consequence. Ben says that the chemical lobotomy must mimic his brain injury as he can't settle, can't focus but then ends up down a rabbit hole of nothing in particular. Worst of all is the endless apathy. I used to care so deeply about everything and now I feel like I care about so little. I fret and wrung and reeled and ached in my fearfulness and now I'm courageous in every instance without blinking. It's so strange. It's such a small amount too, as the doctors say most people are on five times this amount. But at the same time it's way too much and there has to be a switch I can turn to dial up the peace when I need it and be present when I want to be.
You don't want those kinds of drugs, trust me. This is frustrating but better. Ben is watchful, adamant.
I know. My reply noncommittal. It's just-
You don't.