I have been back now for over twenty-four hours and I've caught up on laundry and boys and stories and even painted my toenails robin's-egg-blue and have all my plans ready to devote to a long weekend full of firing and glazing and firing and maybe some gardening, though I popped out today and planted more tomatoes, peas and sunflowers everywhere I could fit them in, so there isn't much left to do now but wait.
The brief getaway was much needed and though it was short we accomplished so much. And no I wasn't drunk. Borjomi is just a brand of sparkling water and it's oddly addictive and I can't buy it here so I get it when I can. It's also a place, where the water comes from but I didn't have time to go there, sadly.
I had a debriefing by Sam and then by August too, I ripped out all of my earrings (every last one) and I'm having my medications adjusted again. We are slow and steady, though I had two panic attacks this week and I couldn't get control of either so odds are more medication will be in my future. Chemical Bridget is a necessity, not a preference, trust me. Things were getting weird and I did this willingly. As long as I hear the right reasons I will agree with you. As long as it's for the right reasons I will agree to it.
I still do not have my phone, I don't have email. I don't have television. I do have the ipod for music and I have my fifteen puzzle and my fidget ring (it's from myconquering and it's the best. I actually have five from here. Not an ad, just a rec) and I'm not for want of things to do, I'm just trying to take it easier than normal. Apparently I go way too hard.
Ha.
Me?
Of course I do. That's how I roll. And if anything, I fight the lethargy and low-key motion sickness by going super hard and that's where I falter. It's just a bad idea. But not doing anything seems worse.
I went for a walk with Caleb. Down to the sea where I couldn't hear him all that well but I tried. It was better as we walked back toward the stairs so that's when we had our brutally honest heart to heart and we're going to take it one day at a time and see how things go.
For how long?
I don't know. A few months, maybe a few years.
Do you want me to leave?
Do you want to leave?
If you want me to I will.
No, but I understand if there's nothing to stay for.
My friends are here. You are still here. In whatever capacity, it's better than being away from you.
This isn't a healthy response.
You sound like you just left August's chair.
I did, matter of fact but that's not the point. What we never go back to what we had? What if I simply move on?
Then I will wait for you until I die. And then beyond.
Will you haunt me like your brother does?
Yes. But probably more often. Would that be okay with you?
Caleb-
Don't worry. I'm not the type, in case you're worried.
I nod, suddenly unable to speak for the lump in my throat.
You do care.
Of course, I choke out.
Then I will stay here for the rest of my days. In case you change your mind.