House is emptyLunch with the Devil, and he pulled my chair too close and he stared too hard and he spoke too harshly and he was a little too cutting with his thoughts today and I choked on my cold soup and hardly touched the salmon course. By the end I wouldn't look at him at all and he softened and ordered gelato from some invisible childs' menu and he asked if Lochlan had become this much of a pushover, finally, after all of our exploits.
Fade out slowly
Go out your own way
Go out and get what you need
For if you don’t stay
There’s nobody watching you bleed
Ghost is what you are now
Out there where no one can see you
Gone out in the dark
Somehow I could still feel you
(What a word.)
We've always been freaks, I tell my ice cream when it arrives. You haven't been paying attention.
***
A walk with Batman to inspect the grounds. He's kind of amazed at how green my thumbs are considering the simple facts that I can't walk and breathe at the same time and that the moment I cease all movement I fall asleep and that includes and is not limited to floating on my back in the pool and receiving oral sex (but not at the same time).
Bridget, I don't think you need to complicate your life any further with trying to change any perfectly good relationships.
I would say the same thing to you. And I continued to show him the cherries, grapes, corn, carrots, raspberries, strawberries, beans, tomatoes, peas and pumpkins that show such promise to come, all the while completely ignoring the very cautious and gentlemanly avarice that he was trying so hard not to reveal.
***
August is candid, transparent. He takes two chairs facing each other and then pins my knees in between his once I am seated. I call this the Trapped position. He calls it the Paying Attention position. Either way awful unorthodoxy always works.
What happens when you and Sam move to a more intimate level? What happens when his feelings get in the way of his ability to counsel you? What happens when he can't separate his personal from his professional opinion?
You tell me. I am grim but fierce. I think sometimes August forgets he's the original Judas to Jacob's Jesus.
That's different, Bridget-
Afraid Sam and I might be closer than you and I?
Not really. The dynamic of your relationship with Sam, sexual or otherwise is completely different than ours.
Right so can everybody stop worrying now? I'm glad everyone thinks I go from 0 to 60 just like that. I wouldn't hurt Sam! I don't need any more complications in my life and I'm not looking for trophies or redress so I don't think you should all be standing around holding your breath.
Lochlan practically rolled out the red carpet for you.
He's done that so many times, August. I don't usually write about it. I try to keep him pure. He's my golden boy, I never ever want people to think poorly of him. Maybe I goofed. Everyone thinks Ben is the permissive one but really they both are. Lochlan just worries more about my feelings. Or maybe it's that he worries about his own. I fall in love too easily. It's dumb. I would worry too.
Do you want to talk about it?
No.
If you change your mind I'm here.
Are you still here-here or have you changed YOUR mind?
Whatever you need me for, Bridget, I'm here.
***
Duncan was crass as always.
Don't ride the Preacher, Baby. Keep it sweet with him. Take it out on me.
This isn't open for discussion, Poet.
It's just a reminder that I'm here. Nothing complicated about it.
You're so complicated it's sick.
I don't see how?
Of course you don't. You aren't already married to two people.
Somehow I think they would prefer me over Sam.
Then go sleep with them! I slam the door on my way out. Objectification is much better as an idealization than full realization. I know nobody thinks that but trust me, it is.