I know that I am good for somethingCaleb stands with his bare feet in the water by a few inches. Jeans rolled up. Shirt hem sticking out under a cashmere sweater. Fresh shave and haircut. He looks like the men in the L.L. Bean catalog. I wonder if they are sexual deviants too.
So let's go give it a try
We got our backs against the ocean
It's just us against the world
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
You came to me. You called me by his name. I took it as permission, as guidance that you wanted something more. I let my ego find honor in the fact that I am the only living soul capable of providing any semblance of Cole's memory to you. I'm sorry, Bridget. I thought it was what you were looking for.
He puts his forehead down against mine. I wish I could have a conversation without this. My toes are freezing. His eyes are glassy but so are mine, snot dripping off the end of my nose and he frowns and chooses to ignore it.
I'm not capable of refusing any of your needs, Bridget. If you want something, I've made it my priority to provide it for you, not because you're an object but because you are what my heart and mind is focused on. I've been in love with you since I was a teenager. Everything I have done in my life is a means to an end. To please you or provide for you, and now for my son too. Whether or not you were aware of it, it's what keeps me going. Even if it will be met with derision from others. Even if it isn't good for you. But please understand you have value far beyond what any of us are worth. Far beyond. Unquantifiable. Here.
He finally offers his sleeve and I wipe my nose on his lovely sweater but say nothing. Cashmere tissues. Nothing but the best for our princess. I'm sorry I hurt you, he repeats softly.
I nod. It was really harsh. My voice comes out in a squeak. The tears start stinging behind my eyes again and he closes his.
I'm so sorry. Next time it will be good. I promise you, Baby.
I give him forgiveness only because it's easier than dragging this out. It's easier than trying to hold onto a grudge that's bigger than my body weight. Besides, every last man on this point has already had a crack at him and by now he has perfected his words for me, using the others as his working model. If their reactions were too far afield he would rearrange. Don't they realize this?
There might not be a next time, Diabhal.
For all the ways I exist as Cole to you, Neamhchiontach, please remember that you alone are all I have left of him too. Don't deny me memories of my brother. Don't fuck with this. I got rough. I said I was sorry.
And just like that he's the Devil again as he turns and walks away, leaving me up to my ankles in low tide. Leaving me to drown in the present because he didn't succeed in drowning me in the past.