Coffee with Matt yielded all kinds of illumination on Sam. Don't worry, I had Sam's blessing. Matt proposed, Sam turned him down and it's over. Matt's ready to settle down. He wants to be married. He wants to start a family. He doesn't want to sleep alone and have to schedule meetings to do everything from have lunch to see a movie.
Sam just got finished being settled down and isn't ready to jump in again in case it doesn't work out. He has cold feet. He's afraid.
I see both sides of things. I only wish I could knock their heads together until they saw the light. Them being together is better than them being apart but for now marriage seems to be a dealbreaker.
Matt promised he would keep in touch. He's such a beautiful liar.
***
I went to the dentist today. No cavities, no problems, just the usual lecture on flossing too hard and not coming in often enough. Yeah, yeah. My teeth are so smooth now though. I guess I can continue to live on marshmallow fluff and sour soothers. Doesn't seem like it's causing any problems, so far.
***
I worked a shortened day for Caleb in which he mostly sent links to my instant messenger showing me different lines of designer lingerie, dresses and jewelry. When the overseas real estate links started up I closed the laptop and asked him what he was doing. He shrugged and said he was just trying to get a feel for what cities we should shop in this spring when I accept his proposal.
I asked him why he thought I would accept it at all when he's already been thoroughly forewarned that I won't. He just smiled and told me stranger things have happened, that he warned me things would become difficult, and that I need to listen better.
I rolled my eyes at him when he turned away and he laughed.
***
I was turned to face the wall in the shower, Lochlan's fingers up over my mouth, his head pressed against mine. I bit against the palm of his hand as my knees buckled and I gasped for air. We ran out of hot water, time and energy. We went in circles. We went to sleep sated in the dark, cleansed of our sins and queued for the next round.
As I slept I dreamed we stood in the cornfield again in the broiling summer heat making sure the hole was deep enough and I felt so ashamed but it wasn't my fault.
He woke me, telling me I was talking in my sleep. When I sat up in the dark I wondered if anyone had ever found our hiding place. That maybe we should go back and dig it up so that we tie up all of our loose ends. He shook his head, pressing it against mine in the dark, telling me Shhhh, everything is okay now.
I lay back down but didn't sleep, staring up into the darkness as it rested just out of reach and I wondered if we can't go back because it's pointless or because he's too afraid or if I've made a nightmare out of something that was only meant to be a dream.
I wondered why he never truly settles down. After all, you wouldn't tell a child you are going to take her with you and live a life on the run. She might inadvertently give you away.
